The Adventures of HAL: The Second Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 2)

by Haines, Derek

  ‘Well, what did you expect?’ Add said, completely miffed by Hal’s reaction.

  ‘Can you paint?’ Add asked Hal.

  ‘I think so, why?’

  ‘Might be some part time work out at the landing field.’

  ‘Thanks, I really appreciate your help Add.’

  ‘Help? I’m just making sure you can pay for your keep. Supposing that you might want a room here seeing as you seem to be a bit stranded.’

  ‘Yes. I see your point Add. I can’t even pay you for breakfast,’ Hal said, now a little embarrassed.

  ‘That’s alright. We’ll sort something out for you.’

  ‘Um, can I ask you something Add?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘What chance would I have of getting back to Earth?’

  ‘Earth?’

  ‘Maybe you know it as Erde.’

  ‘Ah yes. Oh, that’s a long way away. Other side of Gloth. Don’t know anyone who’s been there.’

  ‘So is there anyway to get back there?’

  ‘Short answer?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘No.’

  *****

  Even though folks on Terranova Two lived a long time, it didn’t mean that they dilly-dallied around when there were things that needed doing. Just after lunch, Add drove Hal back out to the landing field and met with the administrator, Triangular Sniddleydrop. He was going to comment on the odd name, but decided against it when he recalled Add saying that Hal Hoop was a very strange name.

  ‘So can you handle a paint brush Mr Hoop?’ Sniddleydrop asked.

  ‘Eh, yes I believe so sir.’

  ‘Good. You can start in the morning. But you must understand that we only allow yellow lines here. No artistic license, alright?’

  ‘Yes sir, understood,’ Hal replied wondering what he was getting himself into.

  ‘Good then. Not sure we have a uniform in your size, but I’ll see what I can do by tomorrow.’

  ‘Thank you sir.’

  ‘Ok, on your way. I’ve got work to do you know,’ Sniddleydrop said and rose from his little wooded desk. ‘Oh, just before you go young man.’

  ‘Yes?’ Hal replied.

  ‘I know why you’re here. I have your file and T2 order, so I’ll be keeping a careful eye on you. Understood?’

  Hal nodded, then left the office. Add was waiting for him in the empty arrival hall.

  ‘So? How did it go?’

  ‘Seems I’ve got a job. And a parole officer.’

  ‘Well done Hal. Now you’ll be able to pay me for breakfast!’ Add laughed and Hal joined in. ‘By the way. What’s a parole officer?’

  *****

  Hal settled in. Living at Addly’s guest house and working at the landing field with Triangular Sniddleydrop, who he had to address as Mr Sniddleydrop because he was his superior. He was very homesick, although tried to put it out of his mind as after six months of working, and painting and repainting all the lines on the landing field, not a single craft had landed. He had one friend who doubled as a landlord and a boss, although he did get to meet a few miners once in a while. Most spent their time in TerraTunTun completely drunk, so they weren’t the best conversation makers.

  He did have one semi-interesting conversation with one particular miner who had actually heard of Erde, and believed he had a relative there. A taxi driver as far as he could recall. Hal of course asked him if his long lost taxi driver relative on Erde had a niece, but he wasn’t sure, then shortly after, the miner passed out due to alcoholic poisoning.

  After nine months, Hal accepted his fate. Still not a single landing at the landing field and he had even grown quite fond of TunTun Turnovers, a plate of something resembling seaweed floating in a blue substance that resembled custard. It had an aroma that was sweet – like sugared urine.

  When his first anniversary arrived, with still not a single craft landing at the seemingly ill-named landing field, Addly decided to celebrate and cook a special treat for Hal. Crunchy Cojones with Creamy Lights. Hal had already learned very well not to ask too many details about Addly’s gastronomic creations. While Addly insisted that he only cooked traditional TerraTunTun dishes, Hal was convinced he improvised from time to time. He thoroughly enjoyed his special anniversary dinner, and slept well on a very full stomach. Had he been aware that Crunchy Cojones were in fact testicles of Bezzbuzz, an extra large rodent found in abundance at the deeper depths of plitzominium mines, dipped in breadcrumbs, he may not have. Then again, if he had also discovered that Creamy Lights were puréed lung of Bezzbuzz, he might have preferred to sleep closer to the toilet. But as he was totally unaware of these facts, he slept like a baby. Getting ready for some more yellow line repainting in the morning.

  It’s A Bird, It’s A?

  Hal arrived for work the next morning, belching an odd flavoured belch from time to time, but apart from that, ready for another day. Any hope of getting off Terranova Two was diminishing day by day. Any dream of returning to Brisbane, even further removed from his reality now. The only silver lining to his miserable existence was that he had an odd feeling that although not exactly getting younger, he was definitely not getting older. He’d asked Add about this age and life business once. Add just told him about an old Terranova Two saying.

  ‘While some waste their time looking for the meaning of life, there are others who understand there is none and just get on enjoying the space they are renting.’

  Hal had no idea what it meant, so he just left the subject alone from then on.

  ‘So which line today Mr Sniddleydrop?’ Hal asked.

  ‘Oh I think AG19 could do with a lick Hal.’

  ‘On my way sir.’

  Hal went to grab his very yellow paint bucket and paintbrush. He knew it was really a broom, but he never bothered correcting his boss, as there was a rarity of employers in TerraTunTun, and from what he’d heard it was a far better job than working in the mines, so he learned to keep his mouth shut, and his sneezing to a minimum. Triangular Sniddleydrop had told him months before that it was an annoying habit so he tried to control his nasal allergies as best he could. This did mean a lot of nostril blocking which slowed down his yellow line painting but Sniddleydrop had never complained about his slower than normal line completion.

  An hour later, Hal was just painting the very tricky top right hand corner of grid AG19, when a sudden rush of dust and sand not only set off a serious sneezing attack, but it also made a mess of his recently completed tricky bit. Hal’s habit of breaking out into uncontrollable sneezing at the most inopportune moments was right on cue as usual, as if he was looking up instead of down with his eyes closed he may have noticed something he had been waiting for for over a year. It was only when a loud rumbling roar started to find its way into his ears did he look up, still between intermittent sneezes.

  ‘What the hell’s that?’ he asked himself out loud.

  ‘It’s a Cargo Shuttle Hal,’ Sniddleydrop said from behind Hal and scared him half to death. ‘Get the ramp will you?’

  ‘Er…..Atchoom!...yes Mr Sniddleydrop.

  ‘And stop that sneezing! How many times do I need to tell you?’

  Hal ran off holding his nostrils, and hopped on the motorised ramp. By then he could see the Cargo Shuttle was aiming at landing in grid AG14, so he started to motor that way. Sniddleydrop was walking in that direction as well.

  A few seconds later a big rusty looking hulk, similar in shape to a huge rotting avocado thudded impolitely to the ground and made a loud hissing noise, sprayed sand all around, and had clearly missed grid AG14 by a long way. Hal supposed whoever was in charge of the craft preferred AG12 for some reason. Either that, or the rusting avocado seriously lacked a steering wheel. In any case, he motored along towards AG12, sneezing his head off, and only between sneezes monitored his route. By the time he arrived, the dust had settled, and his sneezing was now only intermittent. He waited for Sniddleydrop to arrive to tell him what he should do next as he had precisely no experie
nce at greeting incoming craft.

  ‘Over there Hal. See the hatch marked ‘HATCH’?’

  ‘Yes Mr Sniddleydrop, I see it,’ and Hal moved his mobile landing ramp towards it. Manoeuvring his machine with surprising skill, until the last few inches, when one last pesky remaining sneeze interrupted his concentration and the ramp thumped rather hard into the side of the craft making a small dent.

  ‘Oh please be careful Hal. I don’t need a claim for damages.’

  ‘Sorry Mr Sniddleydrop,’ Hal replied and thought it best to stop the motor before any further damage was done. Then he waited as the hatch began to open slowly and lower itself onto Hal’s landing ramp. Expecting a crew similar to truck drivers with beer bellies, old shorts, blue t-shirts with smelly underarm sweat stains to disembark, he was a bit taken aback when two tall pale green gentlemen dressed in splendid uniforms and small split red tongues that kept licking their thin lips disembarked instead.

  ‘Good morning gentleman, I’m Triangular Sniddleydrop, administrator of the TerraTunTun landing facility.’

  Hal wondered how a dusty patch of dirt with yellow lines and a shed that tried to pass itself off as an arrival hall could be called a facility.

  ‘Hello sir,’ one of the crewmen said. ‘I’m Major Noxton Nakkle and the is my co-pilot Sergeant Likketty Splitt.’

  ‘Very pleased to meet you both. Now if you’d like to come with me I can stamp your consignment documents.’

  ‘Very well, Sergeant Splitt will secure the vessel, and I’ll get the formalities completed,’ Nakkle replied.

  ‘Excellent. Oh, and by the way this is my assistant, Hal,’ Sniddleydrop said in passing. ‘He’s new, so he doesn’t know anything about cargo craft I’m afraid.’

  ‘Oh?’ Nakkle said in surprise. ‘Well, I’m sure Sergeant Splitt will be happy to show Hal around the vessel.’

  ‘Sure , no problem at all,’ Splitt responded and shook Hal’s hand.’

  ‘Er, thank you sir,’ Hal said politely.

  ‘Oh none of that sir business. You can call me Lik,’ Splitt said as Sniddleydrop and Major Nakkle walked off towards Sniddleydrop’s office in the arrival hall.

  *****

  Apart from a few free hours in a laundry aboard a Glothic Cosmic Cruiser and a one way trip confined in a Glothic Mining Cargo Shuttle’s barren passenger’s quarters, Hal knew very little about space craft, so was very pleased to have the chance to have a look around without fear of arrest or lifetime transportation to a distant planet.

  ‘So how come you’re new around here Hal?’ Splitt asked as they climbed the ramp towards the entry hatch.

  ‘Well, a long story I’m afraid Lik, but I can tell you it wasn’t my idea.’

  ‘I can understand that Hal. Terranova Two isn’t a place anyone would choose to come to. I hate doing this run. Luckily it’s only every now and then.’

  ‘Where are you from?’

  ‘Lacertilian.’

  ‘Where’s that?’

  ‘It’s a planet in the Third Sun System, but I work mainly out of Gloth now.

  ‘And you Hal?’

  ‘Earth.’

  ‘Ah, Erde. I’ve never met anyone from there before.’

  ‘Well, I can say the same about Lacertilian.’

  ‘Yes, point taken Hal. C’mon, I’ll show you around the flight deck. The rest’s just a metal bucket, so not so interesting.

  Climbing numerous metal ladders and then along grated walkways, Hal followed Lik for almost ten minutes before they arrived up at the door to the flight deck. Once inside he was surprised to see how, well, normal it looked. Two pilot’s seats and an instrument cluster in front of them. Hal had once seen a 747 cockpit, and this looked a lot less impressive.

  ‘I must admit I was expecting something really hi-tech,’ Hal said as he looked around.

  ‘Oh nothing fancy about these hulks Hal. About all we do is start and stop her. All the rest is done from base.’

  ‘What, like navigation and stuff?’

  ‘Yep, pretty much. All we do really is babysit and make sure we don’t run into anything,’ Lik laughed. ‘I’m just going to close her down, and we can get going, ok?’

  ‘Sure. Er, how long are you staying?’ Hal asked as he looked on.

  ‘Only overnight Hal. We dropped mining supplies on the way in, and beam up a load of plitzominium tomorrow. As well as that, the food here is awful. Have to bring my own when I come here.’

  ‘Beam up?’ Sounds very science fiction.’

  ‘Boring really Hal. Just magnetism, nothing technical.’

  ‘Oh,’ Hal said sounding disappointed. ‘But you’re probably right about the food.’

  ‘Ok, all done Hal. Shall we head off for a big day out in TerraTunTun?’

  ‘Good to know you have a sense of humour Lik.’

  Hal walked to the arrival hall with Lik, and couldn’t help but ask the question that had been on his lips since he had first seen them. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking Lik, but why are you green?’

  ‘You really haven’t travelled much then Hal?’

  ‘No. Not really I suppose.’

  ‘Well, as with most planets, races evolve from more primitive life forms. On Lacertilian we evolved from a prehistoric family of lizard.’

  ‘Lizard? But you don’t look like one.’

  ‘No, except our skin is still a light green, our tongues are a small and red, and we need special manicurists to keep our fingernails from looking like claws. Apart from that I think we’re pretty normal.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, but I don’t get to meet many people here, and don’t seem to know much about anything really.’

  ‘So tell me more about Erde Hal?’

  *****

  After all the necessary formalities were bureaucratically stamped by Sniddleydrop, Major Noxton Nakkle and Sergeant Likketty Splitt were clear to have their one night stop-over in TerraTunTun. Hal asked his boss if was alright to drive them there in the Cribbler. As Sniddleydrop still had some more official stamping, envelope licking and important filing to do, he was happy to have Hal, and his threat of sneezing out of his hair for a while.

  ‘So what do you do for fun here Hal?’ Major Nakkle asked Hal as the Cribbler blubbed along the dusty road to town.

  ‘There really isn’t much to do at all here I’m afraid Nox,’ Hal replied having been told earlier that Major Nakkle preferred to be called Nox. ‘If we were in Brisbane I could at least take you to the Brekky Creek and have some XXXX off the wood.’

  ‘A what Hal?’ Lik asked with a big inflexion in his question.

  ‘It’s the best hotel in the world. Well, I suppose I should say the universe. They serve beer from little wooden barrels sitting on the bar, and it comes out icy cold. It’s a real treat, and you drink in schools and have shouts. Then you go to someone’s house and have a barbie in the backyard. Then the next morning you can go up the coast and surf until lunchtime and start all over again.’

  ‘You sound like you prefer this place called, what was it? Brisbane?’

  ‘I miss it,’ Hal said and went silent for a while as Narelle came back to his mind. He looked at the dusty road ahead and forgot about his conversation with Lik and Nox for a while. He didn’t even hear Lik and Nox chatting. After a few minutes they drove past the incomplete rusty sign announcing their arrival into TerraTunTun. ‘Nearly there,’ Hal said, but a little dreamily. ‘I suppose you’ll want to stay at the guest house.’

  ‘That’ll be fine Hal,’ Lik replied.

  ‘Yep. No other choice is there?’

  ‘Got it in one Hal,’ Nox shot back.

  A Ticket To Nowhere

  Once they had checked in to the guest house and reminisced with Addly Sniddleykrimp about their last trip, Lik and Nox decided to get some fresh air, and have a walk around TerraTunTun. Hal went back to work, but had arranged to have dinner that evening with them. Addly was most excited about cooking for three, as he hadn’t done it in decades, and even
though Lik had brought his own food, he accepted graciously to join Hal and Nox for dinner, but asked Addly if he could avoid serving anything too heavy, telling Addly he was on a diet, and ate mostly vegetables. Lik had been a bit ill on his last trip to TerraTunTun, and was dubious about any dish that was made from parts unknown of a rodent called a Bezzbuzz.

  When Hal arrived back at work, Sniddleydrop sent him back to repair the damage done to the yellow lines on grid AG19. Spending his entire afternoon repainting the tricky bit at the apex, but most of the time looking at the Cargo Shuttle. He knew what he wanted to do.

  *****

  Addly excelled, and prepared a wonderful salad of crisp leaves of Chax, Moorbit and Vermit, all wild desert plants in a Yoorine vinaigrette as the first course. For the main, a simple yet tasty plate of Klipticks, a sort of pink bean. Long, slender but with a subtle after taste of nylon, along with TunTun Oysters. While everyone seemed to enjoy them, Addly didn’t mention that they were made from the pancreas of Bezzbuzz. When deep fried, no one ever knew. For dessert, he kept it light and plain. TunTun Turnovers.

  In between Addly dashing back and forth with plates and cutlery and courses, Hal told Lik and Nox about Brisbane, barbecues, secret chambers under the Vatican and about the evil people of the Camera Stellata who ran Erde and how he left a taxi waiting just outside Rome with a lovely fellow named Cappi, who was now probably worried sick about him. Also about how he fell onto a jet and ended up on Gloth and now on Terranova Two. Lik and Nox weren’t fools. They knew where Hal was heading.

  ‘Hal, we know you’d probably love to get back to Erde and Brisbane, but we don’t go anywhere near there. So, if you were thinking of getting a ride with us, you’d only end up on some industrial planet full on processing plants,’ Nox explained.

  ‘And we won’t be back to base on Gloth for months and months yet,’ Lik added. ‘Our run’s only just started.’

  ‘So where do you go from here?’ Hal asked.

  ‘Titania.’

  ‘Where’s that?’ Hal asked.