Uncivilized

by Laura Stapleton

  “Didn’t pee.”

  She grinned at how he used his quiet voice. “Very good! I promised you a prize, didn’t I?” He nodded, his eyes big. She sat up. “Let’s see, what’s a good prize for you?”

  “Toy?”

  “Oh, that’s a good idea. I’ll make you a new toy. Is there anything in particular you want?”

  He nestled in beside her. “A lil brother.”

  Ellen wanted to retch. Pa and Lacy having another child would keep her from leaving with Del. She wanted anything but that. “A little brother? Why?”

  “I’m a big boy. Big boys have lil brothers.”

  She laughed, putting a hand over her mouth so no one would hear. “You’re right. You need a little brother. He may be really little, but I’ll make you one.”

  “Now?”

  “I’ll start work on it today.”

  He gave her a hug. “Thank you, sis.”

  Ellen grinned when he went back to his bedroll and got in under the covers. A new day’s dawn spread across the sky, guaranteeing she’d get no more sleep. Everyone else except her and the baby slept, so she crept about, getting beans and a pail for coffee. She managed to see everyone on the way to the river and back without catching a glimpse of Del. Despite her efforts, the noise of breakfast woke her family and friends. Soon they were all awake and tending to first of the morning chores.

  Her mental note to soak beans and rice overnight had slipped her mind. Pa wouldn’t like a repeat of last night’s dinner for breakfast, she guessed. Sure enough, when he complained and groused, she tuned him out. The bugle sounded as she washed up. Skeeter helped her fold the last bedroll while the other adults readied the oxen for travel. The three boys ran off to find friends, Buster toddling behind. Ellen thought about seeking out company from Jenny or Marie but didn’t feel hospitable enough for polite company.

  She looked around at the rolling hills stretching out in every direction and realized she hated Oregon Territory so far, hated everything: the too blue sky, the never-ending sage, and the rolling flat of it all. The forests of less than a week ago had spoiled her. The shade and just the comforting canopy of leaves had felt a lot like home. Now, she was back in the wide nothing of a high desert. She wanted to write her friends, telling them to enjoy the moist heat. The cold dry stung her eyes and burned her nose.

  Ellen kicked at a dead sagebrush in despair. She’d never be able to swim in warm water, just the ice baths of rivers and such. A warm bath meant heating up water by the buckets. That was a waste. The bath would be stone cold by the time she’d dump the last bucket of hot water into it. She stared ahead, wondering when something might break up the monotony. Scanning the horizon didn’t help. Del was nowhere around, and even if he were, she couldn’t hold or even talk to him without someone seeing and riling up Pa. It might have been better if they’d not made love in the woods. Then, she’d not know now what she was missing.

  The river provided a bit of interest in an otherwise gently rolling plain, but only a bit. The day passed quickly, mainly because they stopped hours early. For most of the way, a long sloping canyon had kept them a good distance from the Umatilla River. They found a wide flood plain to camp on. The slope there was easy enough to lead the animals down and assemble the wagons in their half circle. She hurried to her family’s wagon, glad to see some sort of scrubby trees growing along the river.

  Lacy saw her. “Oh, there you are! Buster needs changing and you’ll need to start the soak for dinner. I have other errands to tend to, so if you’ll excuse me?”

  Ellen nodded as if she’d had a choice. Mrs. Benson being with them and sharing her provisions was a blessing, even if it meant dealing with Caleb. She tried to pin down why she disliked him but couldn’t. It didn’t matter. Pa liked the boy’s mother and that was that. She smiled at a worried Buster. “An accident, huh?”

  He stared at the ground. “Yeah. I don’t get my brother?”

  “You do get him, just a little later when I’m done with chores, all right?”

  “Yay!”

  “No, no cheering just yet. Let’s get you cleaned up.” She chuckled when he ran to the river as if chased by a bear. She grabbed his spare clothes and a water pail. Soon he was clean and the beans and rice were soaking for dinner. “How about you help me gather firewood? It’s what the older boys do too.”

  He let out a whoop and ran ahead. They passed others in their group and then some who they’d seen intermittently on the trip. This looked like a popular camp. She fretted a little, hoping she and Buster might find enough fuel for dinner tonight and maybe breakfast tomorrow. They wound their way through the trees. She wondered if being in a grove would always remind her of Del. Probably so, because everything else seemed to. With a bit of a start, she realized they were walking along a riverbank lined with washed up wood. “Bus, stay with me. There’s plenty here for us.”

  Buster turned around and ran back to her. While today hadn’t been a long one, she still felt yesterday’s miles in her bones. Soon, she and her brother had as much wood as they could carry. Others saw them and headed off to gather their own fuel, leaving her grateful they’d been there first.

  Before too long, she had a fire built and the pot sitting on the grate. Her chores being done so soon left her at loose ends. She’d forgotten what to do when having nothing important looming ahead in the day. Ellen glanced at Buster. She’d promised him a toy and it’d been a while since she’d written anything in her journal. She climbed in the wagon to retrieve her sewing kit, rags, and the journal.

  “Ellen!”

  Pa’s voice right outside startled her. She peeked out of the back. “Yes, Pa?”

  “There you are! Dinner ain’t gonna be late tonight, is it? I don’t like starving to death.”

  “It’s not.” She hopped down. “See? It’s already cooking.”

  “Hmm.” He leaned over, peering into the cook pot. “As long as it doesn’t take all night to cook up….”

  “It won’t, I promise.” She almost crossed her fingers behind her back. Promising meant something random would happen to knock everything into the fire, have dirt thrown in the pot, or any other minor catastrophe. Lacy walked up just then, taking Pa’s attention from Ellen. She tried not to listen as they gossiped about people in Lacy’s former group that she’d never met. Being left out didn’t bother her. It seemed to her that Pa would be marrying the woman soon enough. She hoped to be out of the house by the time Lacy threw socials or some other such events.

  Ellen retrieved her bedroll and laid it out next to her supplies. She sat and leaned forward to stir the food before settling back down. Socials sounded fun in a way, especially if Pa wasn’t there. She loved her father, but feared him more. Something about the frontier had led him to hit her more times in front of others than he’d done in her entire life. She pawed through the rags, looking for light cloth for the face. Ellen smiled. Or maybe a beautiful toasted bread color like Del. She could use Mrs. Benson’s tea to stain white muslin.

  And then watch as Pa threw a fit about the skin color. She shook her head, searching for the lightest possible cloth. It was better to make the baby as close to Buster as possible. Ellen spent the afternoon sewing patches together enough to make a deflated body with flattened limbs and head attached. She’d look up every so often when someone walked by or one of her family members needed something out of the wagon. The break gave her a chance to stretch and stir the food. Each time, she took a hard look around, hoping to see Del.

  Both families of Winslows and Bensons gathered around, staring at the food. Pa and Lacy chatted in quiet tones. Ellen tried to not listen in and the boys made it easy by being loud and playful. She bit the last thread, careful to put the needle back into the pincushion. Holding out the doll, she smiled. The toy didn’t look too bad at all. All it needed were eyes, a mouth, and nose. She stood, stretching her stiff legs. She exchanged the sewing kit and rags for dishes, passing them out to everyone.

  Pa helped by serving
up everyone’s dinner. Ellen smiled. She was glad he was in a good mood and playing gracious host. She glanced over at Lacy. Despite her sometimes sharp tongue, the woman had been a benefit to them for sure. Ellen welcomed her provisions, the extra ox, and her distracting Pa. She took the plate from her father. “Thank you.”

  He gave her a regal nod and dished himself up last, setting the cook pan aside to cool for washing. In between bites, he gave them a monologue of his day. Certain words would capture her attention. She’d listen for a while, realize she didn’t know whom he was talking about, and go back to eating her dinner. Maybe she should pay better attention for the journal’s sake, but that was just not possible. All the names ran together, and she was far more interested in the food. A couple of days without beans and rice made dinner a lot tastier than what it had been. Or maybe it was the extra salt she’d added. Either way, dinner was much better tonight than usual.

  “I see you have your journal. About time you started updating it again.”

  “Sorry, Pa. I’ve been distracted with getting Buster into big boy pants.”

  “No excuse. Be sure to add in all the days you missed.”

  “I will, I promise.”

  At the word “promise,” Buster looked over at her. “Sis! Where’s my toy?”

  Ellen grinned at him and brought the doll out from under her bedroll. “Right here!”

  The boy’s eyes were huge in his little face, his amazement clear. “My own little brother!” He reached for the toy and hugged it to him. “I want his name to be Buster too.”

  Caleb laughing got everyone’s attention. “You have a dolly? You’re a boy with a girl’s dolly!” He nudged Skeeter. “You didn’t tell me you had a little sister, Skeet. She’s pretty.”

  Buster’s lip pouted. “I’m not sister, I’m brother.”

  “Nope,” Skeeter retorted. “You’re my little sister now.”

  Before Ellen could react, Buster threw the doll into the fire. Sparks flew, several landing on Lacy’s dress. She screamed, jumping up, dumping her food, and brushing the tiny embers from her dress. All Ellen could do was stare at the mess with her mouth agape. Of all the reactions Buster might have, she never expected this one.

  “What the hell!” Pa ran over to Lacy. “Sweetheart!” He helped brush off imaginary cinders. “Calm down, you’re fine.” Taking her in his arms, Jack held her. “There, there, dear, it’s all over now. Nothing happened.”

  She pulled away from him. “Excuse me? Something did in fact happen. Look at my dress.” Lacy held out her skirt. “It’s ruined, thanks to your hellions.”

  Ellen saw Pa turn to Buster. The expression on her father’s face scared her, and she stepped in between the two. “Pa, it was an accident. Buster didn’t think what he was doing.”

  “Yeah, but you could have!” He gripped her arm. “What were you thinking, giving the boy a doll? What do you think he is, some sissy girl?” Before she could say anything, he gave her a little shove. “Go on, start chores and get out of here. I don’t want to see you before morning and if that means you skulk around all night until I’m asleep, so be it.”

  She picked up the dish bucket. Arguing would get them all in bigger trouble. Better to just let him play hero to Mrs. Benson and hide until everyone was asleep. She headed to the river, unable to enjoy the glorious sunset spreading out in front of her. The water reflected the brilliance. The beauty and mix of warmth from the ground and cool air calmed her. Washing up took very little time. She had the rest of the evening light free, but what to do?

  No one else was there. The livestock had been swum over to an island in the river. Most of them grazed while others rested. She regretted not having pockets to keep her journal in. The twilight glowed bright enough to write at least a page before dark. They’d need firewood tomorrow. She might as well see what could be gathered before dark. For that, though, she’d need free hands. Ellen went closer to the wagons and left her pail in an easy to find place before heading to the thicket. Almost there, she heard a twig snap behind her. She turned and saw Del standing there with a broken stick. She chuckled. “Isn’t part of your nature to be swift and silent?”

  “Yes, just as it’s yours to be sweet and beautiful.” He stepped up to her.

  Ellen could feel his uncertainty over reaching out for her as if his desire was a physical thing. “Del?” She melted into his arms, silent sobs overtaking her.

  He held her close. “I heard him yell, but nothing else. He didn’t hurt you?”

  “No.” She snuggled into him, realizing her arm didn’t ache like usual. “Pa must be on his best behavior in front of Lacy.”

  He sighed. “If something happened to you, the earth would die before I’d love another woman.”

  She looked up at him. “That’s easy to say when you’re hugging me.”

  In a sudden movement, he kissed her. The swiftness startled her at first until the sweet warmth of him took over her senses. He groaned when she relaxed into him and she almost shivered. His lips held a trace of whiskey. A laugh escaped her. She pulled away and smiled. “No wonder the sweet words. You’ve been drinking.”

  “A sip when it was passed around and all it does is reminds me of how much I miss you.”

  Del’s words felt like a cooling balm on inflamed wounds. “Maybe I should sneak some into your coffee every morning so you remember to miss me more often.”

  “Ah, that’s not possible.” He began kissing her cheek to her ear and whispered, “I miss you every minute of the day. I remember our afternoon together far too often for my own comfort.” He traced his fingertips from her chin to her cleavage. “Whiskey merely loosens my lips and good sense, leading me to follow you into trouble.”

  His words reminded her of earlier. She glanced around, dismayed at how dark it’d become. “I suppose Pa has cooled off by now. I should go back to camp but would rather stay here and, um, be close again.”

  “Mon Dieu, so would I, but not in the dark on the ground. The next time is in a bed in our own home.”

  “Sounds heavenly but I don’t want to wait that long.” Ellen relaxed again, wanting to soak up all the love possible before returning to her family. She would have laughed if anyone implied such a strong man like Del could have made the whimper he did before kissing her again. He kissed her entire face as if memorizing her features with his lips. She chuckled when his lips pressed against the bridge of her glasses. “I suppose I’ll want to remove them.”

  “One day, yes. But not right now.” He gave her a squeeze before letting go of her only enough to hold her hand. “Now, we need to go. I’m on watch. Keeping you safe includes safe from me.”

  She followed him, amazed at how surefooted he was in the darkness. Del led them back to her dishes without a mishap. “I’d ask for another kiss, but….”

  He swung her around and gave her one, quick on the lips. “Now go before I’m tempted anymore.”

  “If you insist.” She picked up her pail, smiling at the forlorn expression on his face. “See you tomorrow?”

  “Yes. Goodnight.”

  Ellen went to camp. She took a peek back to find him gone already. Emptiness settled into her heart. She placed the pail down gently so the plates didn’t rattle anyone awake. She smiled seeing her bedroll ready. Skeeter must have done that, possibly against Pa’s orders. He was the best brother. Both he and Buster made staying with them and away from Del a little more bearable.

  “God damn it all to hell!”

  Ellen woke with a start, almost leaping to her feet at Pa’s shout. Her heart thudded in her chest so hard she felt the pulse in her fingertips. The others woke more slowly than her, the older boys wiping sleep from their eyes. Buster grunted and rolled over, away from the noise. Unable to decide whether to run or hide under her covers, she stayed rooted to the spot.

  Lacy stretched, giving Pa a sleepy smile before asking, “What is it, darling?”

  “It’s your cattle. They’re gone.”

  “Excuse me?” s
he said in a shrill tone and stood. “What do you mean MY cattle are gone? I thought you’d secured them on that island last night.”

  “I did. Yours aren’t the only ones missing. Plenty of other livestock ain’t there anymore. Some of Granville’s men are out looking for them.”

  “Oh. Very well. As long as we’re up, you might as well build a fire, Jack.” Lacy motioned to Ellen. “You can fetch water for coffee while I start breakfast.”

  She nodded, going for the pail. As she left, Ellen heard Pa say, “Thanks for cooking, darling. Now we’ll get something decent to eat.”

  After a calming breath, she brushed off the fear. Her body still quaked from Pa’s yelling. Even with a full water bucket, Ellen didn’t hurry back to camp. She wanted to see Del but knew he and Pomme would be with the men as they hunted down the wandering stock. She scanned the horizon for him but saw no one. Not even a stray emigrant wandered between them and the western horizon.

  Everything at camp seemed to be fine as she approached. Lacy reached for the water, not interrupting Pa mid-story to ask outright. Caleb was the only boy there. She looked over at Buster’s bedroll and smiled when seeing it dry. So that’s where her brothers were. Maybe now the baby wasn’t such a little boy.

  “So, you going to stand there all day or help Mrs. Benson with breakfast?”

  Pa’s question broke her train of thought. “I’d be glad to help, of course.”

  “It’s too late to do anything, looks like.”

  “Come on, Jack, don’t tease the poor girl.” Skeeter and Buster walked up before Pa could open his mouth, and Lacy took the opportunity to divert his attention. “Ellen, could you get us the dishes, please? Buster, you don’t look happy. What’s wrong, sweetie?”

  Ellen gave everyone a plate, but Buster crossed his arms and not taking one from her. Skeeter took both dishes and replied for his brother. “He’s mad about last night. His bed is dry but there’s no toy like sis promised.”

  “Oh damn it, is that all he has to worry about?” Pa took his plate from Lacy. “I can find him some toy another kid dropped along the way.” He pointed a fork at his youngest son. “Straighten up and stop this nonsense, or I’ll give you something to be angry about.”