Uncivilized

by Laura Stapleton

  “Buster? Skeeter?” Marie held her hands out to the boys. “Come with me and let’s see if I can find something tasty for lunch.”

  The boys followed and Ellen winced when Lacy began another round of wailing. “Mrs. Benson!” she hollered to get the other woman’s attention. “There’s no need to keep crying. They have probably found Pa by now.”

  “I hope so.” She sniffled. “But what about all my things? Jack and I had divided up my provisions equally for the oxen’s sake. He’ll survive, but my jellies won’t.”

  Ellen didn’t know what to say without sounding rude. She sat still for a moment, thinking of responses and discarding them just as fast. Had Lacy never known of anyone drowning from an overturned wagon? Maybe she had supreme faith in Pa, something Ellen couldn’t share. “Pa loves you. He’ll make sure your jellies are replaced by ones even better, I’m sure.”

  “I hope so.” Lacy continued in a teary voice. “Do you suppose Oregon Territory has strawberries?”

  She continued to stare at the place she last saw Pa. Her and the boys’ father might be dead and the woman cared about strawberries? People showed grief in odd ways, Ellen thought as she replied, “I’m sure settlers have planted some by now.”

  “I hope so. Good thing I didn’t let him take my good Irish linens. No one else in the Territory will have those.” She sighed. “When do you suppose they’ll come back with him? I suppose it’s too much to ask for an intact wagon.”

  Ellen turned to her as two fat tears rolled down the woman’s cheeks. “Pa can cobble together another wagon, if he’s alive.”

  A movement of one rider galloping along the riverbank caught Ellen’s eye. All the men wore hats, so she couldn’t tell who it was. From this distance, the shirts, horses, and people looked the same. She sat up, straining at first to see before removing her glasses to clean them. Arnold was the man. She could see his horse. Ellen slid off the tailgate to her feet.

  Lacy also hopped to her feet. “Is that Sam? Have they found my Jack? Why is only one man returning?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe Pa is hurt and needs us. I’ll get the medical kit.” She stopped cold. No, she couldn’t get anything. Everything they owned now lay at the bottom or along a river’s banks.

  “Never mind that.” Lacy dusted her hands on her skirt as if getting ready to work. “Let’s find out what we can do to get Jack and my belongings back into my wagon.”

  Arnold and his horse went over the bridge to them. He pulled the animal up short and dismounted. “Ma’am, miss.”

  Ellen’s throat closed in at his expression and tears filled her eyes. He didn’t need to say anything else. She knew Pa wouldn’t be coming back to them.

  “Well?” The older woman gestured down the river. “Let’s get started, young man! With all of us, I’m sure we can help you all load up my things again.”

  “Ma’am, I don’t rightly know how to tell you this, but Mr. Winslow didn’t survive the fall. We found him washed up on a sandbar.” He took off his hat and nodded at Ellen. “Your trunk and a few things of Mrs. Bensons were there too, along with some busted up wood. I reckon it’s from the wagon proper, miss.”

  “No!” Lacy’s hands were fisted and on her hips. “Are you telling me my fiancée is dead and half my provisions are floating to the Columbia?”

  “I’m afraid so, ma’am.”

  “Damnation all to hell!”

  The woman’s cursing at the top of her lungs startled Ellen. She stood in shock as Lacy stomped off toward where Jack had been found. Various words and phrases floated back to them on the wind, none of them repeatable in polite society.

  “I’ll confess, I’m at a loss over what to do with Pa,” Ellen murmured.

  “Don’t worry about it, miss. The boss and them are taking care of your pa. They’ll be bringing back what he had in his pockets for you and the boys.”

  “I should go back with you to make sure he’s had prayers said over him.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Was my family trunk intact? There are things inside that I’d planned on giving to my brothers.”

  “Mostly. We found it on its side a ways from your pa. The lid was open but Lucky scooped everything back in.” He put his hat on before getting on his horse. “Mr. Granville wants you to stay with his missus for now. She’ll help you. I’m going to find a pushcart for your trunk and need to get shovels to the men. Little ole Skeeter will want to know what has happened to your pa. It’d be best if he heard it from you.”

  “You’re right. Thank you, Mr. Arnold.”

  “Sorry for your loss, miss.” He saluted and rode forward to the rest of their group. Ellen took in a deep shuddering breath before taking the oxen’s reins to lead them to the others. The walk to their new gathering spot seemed so long in the dry heat of the valley. Arnold soon met her and went on with a pushcart instead of his horse. Tears filled her eyes when she saw he had shovels with him. She couldn’t pretend Pa might still be alive, now.

  She plodded along with the ox, each step difficult. While the men might have relieved her from the gruesome chore of burying Pa, they couldn’t take away the effect the death would have on her brothers. The boys had only her and maybe Del to care for them. She looked up from the ground with a start. Del. He waited for her in Oregon City, but would he accept her brothers as well? He had to. She couldn’t put them up for adoption. Not now, not ever.

  Fresh tears formed and spilled. He just had to love and take all of them in. Otherwise, she’d need to find a way to support the three of them. A tiny cold lump of fear settled in her stomach. Adelard Du Boise didn’t have to do anything. She couldn’t make him. Ellen swallowed down the rising lump in her throat. The campsite loomed ever closer and she decided her family needed a backup plan. Marrying Del was her first choice, of course. But if life had taught her anything, it was that she couldn’t count on anything being permanent. Teaching school, sewing, even being a maid to a wealthy family went on her mental list of possibilities to keep the boys fed and clothed.

  She’d been walking along with different wagon parties on either side of the road for just a little while before spotting Marie with the Allen family. Ellen hesitated to approach, not willing to listen to anything bad Jenny might have to say. She shook her head and knew one of the worst things possible had already happened. Her brothers were orphans.

  Once Marie saw her, she ran up to Ellen, giving her a hug before taking the reins to the Bensons’ wagon. “There you are! I was worried you’d not find us in all this mess. Arnold has been and gone. Did you see him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. I’ve not said anything to the boys yet. They’re playing with the Allen children right now. I wanted you to decide how and when to talk to them about your father.”

  “Thank you. I’d prefer to never have to admit what happened to anyone.”

  “I know, dear, and I’m so sorry.” She hugged Ellen. “I can’t undo what happened, but I can help however you need me to.”

  She couldn’t speak without sobbing and settled on nodding. Marie led the wagon into the semi circle with the others. Ellen swallowed down some tears before managing to say, “There’s no sense in you doing my work for me.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I need to check on the other animals anyway.” She unhitched the ox and led the animal away with a wave.

  What was there to do next? Looking around for the boys? Ellen searched the landscape as if looking hard enough could bring Pa back. Arnold walked up with a handcart, Lacy following, and then the men on horseback behind her.

  The older woman stomped up to her, saying, “Well, here’s my wagon. What have you done with my ox?”

  “He’s staked out, getting a bite to eat and Caleb is some—”

  “I don’t care!” exploded Lacy with a fury matching any Pa had ever had. “Get him back here this instant! I suppose I’m lucky you didn’t just take off with all my belongings and go to that half-breed you’re so enamored of! Your Pa always warned me about you a
nd he was right! You take what you want and don’t give two figs about anyone else.”

  Hurt and anger filled Ellen so much she couldn’t breathe. All of it, what Pa had said against her, Lacy’s rudeness, and the grief and worry for the boys swirled in her like a mix of acid and poison. Her heart hurt as if clenched by an iron fist. “I do? Thank you for informing me. I’ll go get your ox.”

  “You do that, young lady.”

  Ellen went in the direction she’d seen Marie go. The Winslow animal had been more familiar to her, but hopefully she’d recognized the Bensons’ ox. She’d noticed how Lacy hadn’t mentioned Caleb. He was on his own. His mother obviously didn’t care as much for him as she did that beast. Let the boy come back when he got hungry. Ellen didn’t care.

  The Benson ox stood out from the others and she thanked her memory. “C’mon, boy, let’s go,” she said, scooping up the animal’s rope. The placid beast followed her like a huge puppy. As they neared camp, she saw Marie talking with Lacy. From her friend’s body language, Ellen guessed Lacy had stepped on her friend’s last nerve.

  “You’re free to go any time, Mrs. Benson. I’m sure Sam would agree.”

  “Excuse me? I don’t need to stay with this horrible group one second more! Letting people die all the time, I never!” She spotted Ellen leading the ox. “There you are! About time you decided to bring back my animal.” Lacy grabbed the leather straps from the younger woman’s hands and stomped away.

  Marie patted her friend on the back. “Dear, shall I go talk with her? Tell her you all need to stay together?”

  “No. I’m fine with never seeing her again. She was Pa’s friend more than mine or the boys’.”

  “Ma’am, miss?” Lucky rode up first with Sam. The younger man stopped his horse and hopped down behind them. “Miss Ellen? We buried your pa. Arnold is bringing what’s left of your belongings with him.”

  Sam stepped up to her. “He had a few things in his pockets that I thought you’d want.” He dug in his pants pocket for a moment before giving her twenty dollars in bills and coins. After another rummage around in the opposite pants pocket, he held out caps for a rifle, still wet, and a pocketknife.

  The money would come in handy. The caps meant something only because they’d belonged to Pa. She could split them with the boys. Ellen might need the pocketknife in the future. Skeeter would want it or maybe Buster would when he grew old enough to value such a thing. “Thank you, Sam, Mr. Lucky.”

  Arnold came up before she could add anything more. The pushcart ahead of him was full of her busted up trunk and muddy shovels. “Hey, Miss Winslow. We found a few more things on the way back here. Most everything’s wet, but it’ll dry.” He set down the cart on its back legs. “I can roll this on over to the company wagon, and you can go through everything yourself.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Arnold.” She watched as he continued on with everything they had in the world. Ellen wondered how she and the boys would manage. To no one in particular, she said, “I need to go through everything, find out what we can carry.”

  “Sam?” began Marie. At his nod, she continued, “Ellen, you can have the pushcart if you like or keep your things in the company wagon. Whichever you prefer, dear.”

  “I appreciate that.” Tears filled her eyes again. “If you’ll excuse me?”

  “Of course.”

  She hurried off to where Arnold had parked their things. The lid fell off completely as she opened her trunk. All the linens and blankets she’d embroidered were drenched. When she lifted up the cloth cushioning the china from her mother, she found most of it cracked or in pieces. She set aside the intact dishes and mourned the loss of the broken ones. The shards had their own pile. Ellen couldn’t bear to throw them out. Setting some down on the upturned lid, she spotted her family Bible and journal. Both were soaked through. She opened the journal before closing it to press as much water from it as her strength allowed. Pa had relied on her to write down their journey, and now she regretted him doing so. If he’d been the one to make the entries, she’d have his writing. Not a large legacy from her father, but more than the nothing she now had. A movement to her left caught Ellen’s eye and she saw Skeeter and Buster walking toward her. “Hello, boys. I have something to tell you.”

  They held hands and as soon as her younger brother saw her, awareness dawned on his face. Her eyes filled again as his steps faltered before the boy soldiered on to her. “Pa’s gone.”

  She nodded confirmation of Skeeter’s statement. “He is.”

  “Can we see him?”

  “No, because they’ve taken care of him already.”

  He let out a wail before crying, “I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

  Ellen took him in her arms. “None of us did. He died too fast. We’ll need to say goodbye in our hearts and know he’ll hear us in heaven.” She glanced down at Buster to see a big wet spot on the front of his pants. He needed cleaning and a bath. She also needed to find a fresh pair of pants for him and something for them to eat. A sob escaped her at the enormity of her new responsibilities. “I can’t do this.” She leaned against the cart, putting her head on her arms and cried.

  The little voice in the back of her mind chastised her to be the adult. It sounded suspiciously like Pa as it told her to straighten up and stop this nonsense, but she couldn’t. The fact she was alone and responsible for two young children scared her. Even if she could count on Del’s help, days and miles were between them. She felt able to do without, but what about the boys? They couldn’t starve and she couldn’t let them.

  The more she tried to stop crying, the harder the sobs overtook her. She felt more than saw as Marie whisked away Buster. Skeeter patted her on the back in comfort until Lefty led him away too. Ellen heard the talking but didn’t listen. When Sam turned her around and held her, she let him. Her sobbing slowed and she drew strength from him as they stood there.

  He gave her a little squeeze. “Feeling better?”

  “A little.” She sniffed before reaching in her pocket for Del’s handkerchief. “Thank you for letting me cry it out. It’s childish, I know, but maybe I’m done for a good while.”

  “Any time.” He shuffled his feet a little. “Let me know when you’re ready to think about the future. I have some ideas. Until then, you’re free to keep what you want in our wagon.”

  She nodded, knowing he was aware of how little they had. “It won’t be much. I have half a mind to turn around and go back home to Missouri. If it weren’t so far away or if I had family there, I would.”

  “So Del doesn’t matter?”

  Ellen saw the beginning glint of anger in his eyes. “He does, very much. But what if he doesn’t want an instant family? I can’t abandon the boys, so we’re a package deal.” His expression softened and she continued, “He’s used to being a single man, able to do as he pleases. We would just complicate his life. I have to think about the possibility of us arriving on his doorstep and being turned away.”

  Sam’s jaw dropped a little in surprise before he grinned. “You underestimate his love for you. Invent reasons and alternate plans if that reassures you. Otherwise, they’re not necessary.” He picked up the pushcart by the handles and lifted it. “Let’s go see how your brothers are. I’m sure my lovely wife has the baby cleaned up and his clothes drying by now.”

  She followed him to camp. Her brothers sat with Marie and Lucky as she cooked over the open fire. Buster wore a long shirt, and Skeeter drew in a journal with Arnold watching and correcting his scribbles. The scene looked so normal and peaceful. Ellen took her own seat, a little stunned at how life was continuing on without Pa.

  Numb through supper, she ate the potatoes and rabbit stew without really tasting them. Sam’s earlier reassurances helped. Still, she fretted inside over what sort of home Del could provide them, if any. When done, she stood to wash up out of habit until Sam gathered the dishes from her. He was soon gone and back, taking no time at all. She shook her head at his speed and wondered if it
was truly him being in a hurry or her being in a slower world.

  Lefty and Arnold retrieved the bedrolls, passing them to others. Marie led Buster off for one last potty break. Ellen caught Skeeter staring at her and smiled. He returned her grin as weakly as she felt her own. She looked down at her hands in her lap to keep the sadness at bay.

  “Ellen?”

  She looked up at Sam. “Yes?”

  He knelt. “We have a limited number of blankets, so Marie and I will share a bedroll. Lucky and Arnold will have one each during Lefty’s watch, and Lefty gets Lucky’s bed during second watch. Are you fine with sharing a bed with your brothers until some of the blankets in your trunk dry?”

  His kindness added to the others touched her heart. “Yes, thank you,” she squeaked. “I suppose we need to give Pa a proper funeral service.”

  “We can, whenever you like,” said Sam. “The boys and I had a small ceremony after we buried him.”

  She cleared her throat. “I can never repay your generosity, Sam, you or your men.”

  “No payment needed, dear.” He stepped aside as Lefty spread out a thick blanket on the ground for her. Soon, the three Winslows lay together under a blanket and fell asleep staring at the stars.

  Ellen felt like a ghost the next morning, drifting around while helping with breakfast, cleaning up, and caring for her brothers. While she folded her dried blankets and mother’s belongings, people talked to her. She answered them even though she couldn’t recollect what anyone had said. Yesterday had been a fog and today promised to be more of the same.

  The country distracted her for an hour or two with its brilliant yellow of summer grasses and the deep blue of the high desert sky. She tilted her head at the idea this was an arid region. The dust and sagebrush said wasteland while the ever-increasing pines and deciduous trees contradicted it. Mount Hood shone ahead in its snow-covered gleam. The peak called to her, saying just a few steps more. Last night she’d learned it was their last landmark before reaching their new home. Had Sam told them or Lucky? She shook her head. It didn’t matter. With Pa gone, she had no reason to update the damp journal.