by DC Renee
No amount of self-persuasion would change the fact she saw me as the man I wanted to be, the man I hoped to be, and because of her, I actually felt that way. I felt lighter around her, purer.
Call me selfish, but I wanted that to be mine and only mine. No other man’s. Jealousy was an evil, bitter bitch.
I hadn’t played the field since Gen and I hung out together. I hadn’t wanted to. Really, I hadn’t needed to—and that was saying something. I usually needed that momentary control of my life to feel better. But being around Gen was enough.
I thought I would be okay with that for the rest of my life, or for however long she’d be in my life. But then she had a date. A motherfucking date with a “nice” guy—a nice guy she planned to continue to date. I had experienced jealousy before, but it was never over a girl. It was jealousy of the way other families were versus mine, of how other stepdads treated their sons versus how Charles treated me, and how other kids led free lives while mine was chained.
I had thought that kind of jealousy sucked. It was absolutely nothing compared to wanting to rip Gen’s date’s extremities clean off his body—all his extremities.
She’s not your girl, I told myself. You have no right to be jealous. She deserves to be happy with a “nice” guy. You want that for her.
It was only after about a day of talking to myself that I finally calmed down and realized I wanted her to be happy, even if that meant I had to watch her with someone else.
And then she came back, swooping in like an angel sent to brighten my life.
I knew then that no matter what I said to myself, it didn’t matter. I wanted her enough to fight myself.
I had never been a coward when it came to women, but maybe that was because I didn’t care about anyone. I sure as hell cared about Gen. So that night, I’d been a coward. I had tried to find the courage to tell her how I felt and beg her to feel the same for me, but I couldn’t.
When she kissed me, it was the best feeling in the entire world. The. Best. Feeling.
I wanted it to last forever; I wanted more. I wanted to pull her body to mine and turn us into one person instead of two. I was so lost in her that I almost didn’t hear the tiny voices in my head telling me I didn’t deserve what she was offering. Almost.
When it was ingrained in you, you couldn’t help but remember that you’re nothing—a loser—at all times. And when I heard that voice deep down, I pulled away … just long enough to tell that voice to shut the hell up … but also, just long enough for everything to go to hell.
And then it was too late, and Gen was rushing out, and I was a fish out of water—unsure, for the very first time, of what the hell to do. But I’d finally realized I had lost my own battles. I sure as hell wasn’t giving up now. I had a war to lose … a war to lose to the woman I was falling for. That was definitely a war worth fighting.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
Present
Genevieve
WHEN CAM HAD pulled back, breathless—and I had a feeling it wasn’t from the game—he asked me to wait for him until he had changed and showered. “We have a lot to discuss,” he said quietly. I could only nod in response.
So I waited with Amanda by my side.
“You know I have to say I told you so,” she said with a smirk.
“Now what?” I asked her.
“Now you live happily ever after,” she responded.
“That’s not the plan,” I retorted.
“Yeah, well, plans change.”
I had opened my mouth to rebut when I saw Cam jogging toward us. “Thank you,” he told Amanda. She nodded in response, gave me a quick hug, and then walked away.
We stood facing each other somewhat awkwardly, neither knowing what to say until finally Cam spoke. “I guess I have some explaining to do,” he said shyly.
“I guess so,” I responded.
“My place?” he asked.
“Sure.”
We walked in silence all the way to his place. Entering his room, he closed the door silently before we both sat on his bed, side by side, but with our bodies turned to face each other.
“Where the hell do I start?” he asked himself out loud.
“The beginning?” I answered as a question.
“The beginning …” he echoed with a snort and trailed off. “Gen, I don’t deserve you. I’ll never deserve you, which is why I fought my feelings for so long, so very fucking long. I tried to tell myself that I’d be happy as long as you were in my life. I just needed you in my life, but I knew all I could allow myself to be was your friend. Someone like you wouldn’t be with someone like me.”
“Someone like you?” I asked, cutting him off, not understanding what he was getting at.
“I’m not a good person, Gen. I’m not a good person at all,” he admitted as if it had physically hurt to say those words out loud. “But when I’m with you, I feel like I can be. I feel like I’m someone else, someone worthy of you.” I didn’t know how to respond to that. I should have said he was a good guy. I should have said he was worthy of me, but the part of me that remembered he was Tyler couldn’t say the words.
“I don’t understand,” I said instead.
“Fuck, Gen, I care about you more than I have the right to. I want you more than I should. I need you more than you could possibly know. I thought I could survive just being your friend, but I’m a selfish bastard, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m done fighting myself, Gen. I’m don’t care anymore that I don’t deserve you. I’m that self-centered. But I can’t just be your friend anymore.”
“What are you saying?” I asked, knowing where he was going but still feeling insecure.
“I’ve never had a girlfriend. I never wanted to, never had the desire. Not even an ounce. I never thought I deserved someone to care about me so much, so I didn’t even bother looking for girls who could be something more … until you. I couldn’t stay away from you even if I wanted to. You were … you were a flame, full of heat and warmth, and I was a freezing man. I want to try with you. No … no … that’s not right. I don’t want to try; I want to make it work with you. If you’ll have me, I don’t just want to be your boyfriend. I don’t just want you to be my girlfriend. I want to be yours. And I want you to be mine. Wholly. Completely.”
I wanted to scoff in his face and tell him he would never be mine wholly and completely because I knew who he was. I wanted to tell him I could never be his because he didn’t even know who I used to be. But I also didn’t. I didn’t want to say those things. I wanted to revel in his words. Revel in the comfort they gave me, the desire I felt coming from him, and the passion he expressed in his words. I wanted what he was offering. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted to be his. And not just for revenge … and that scared me more than anything.
He had taken my hands in his, rubbing small circles on them with his thumbs. I shivered with each brush because his touch felt so right.
I stared at his face, taking in his words. He looked so anxious, so worried, nervous about how I’d react as he waited for an answer.
“Tell me if I’m wrong,” he said, breaking the silence. “Tell me you don’t want me, and we can go back to being friends. I won’t lie; it will kill me being so close to you and not being able to be with you. You don’t know how these nine months have been. Wanting you, needing you, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. But I can’t lose you. I’ll take you any way I can get you.”
I melted.
My heart melted.
My soul melted.
If my body could, it would have melted too.
“Please, Gen, say something,” he urged, worry creasing his forehead.
I couldn’t respond with words. I didn’t trust myself enough to speak. So I responded the only way I could. As I pulled my hands from his, I could sense his disappointment. But then I could literally feel his joy when I moved my hands to cup his face. I pulled him to meet mine, my lips seeking his. I’d be lying if I said it was for revenge. Right then, it
was for all the moments I had lost. Right then, it was for all the times I’d felt unwanted, undesired, a loser. Right then, it was for all the feelings coursing through my body. Right then, it was for finally being someone. Right then, it was for me.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
Past
Cameron
Three days earlier …
WHAT WOULD YOU do if you wanted to reach the one person who didn’t want to be reached? Anything and everything possible.
I knew the minute I pulled away from Gen that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. She wasn’t just embarrassed; she was something a level or two higher. If she only knew that she should have been feeling the exact opposite, then maybe she’d understand. It was my body’s way of telling her that she was too good for me.
I tried to apologize the next day, and the next, and the next. I called, I texted, I called some more, I texted some more, and I showed up at her place too many times to count. You’d think I was a stalker with the number of times I tried to contact her.
If I had any inclination she simply didn’t want to talk to me ever again because she didn’t like me for whatever reason, I might have stayed away. I might have given her space. I wouldn’t have been able to let her go, but I would have at least given her the opportunity to take a break from me.
But I knew with one hundred percent certainty she wasn’t avoiding me because she stopped caring about me. It was because of my reaction to her.
I might have missed the sympathetic look that Amanda had given me until the fourth time she told me Gen wasn’t home, but I finally saw it. And that gave me hope. Whatever Gen was thinking, Amanda didn’t feel the same way, so that gave me an in. I just had to decide how to use it.
I was generally a very private person. My friends were great, but they didn’t know too much about me other than I liked to party and have fun. Lately, though, my definition of fun had changed. I knew they noticed, but I also knew they liked Gen, so they didn’t give me a hard time. However, this was a time I needed some advice, so I had to open up to someone.
The opportunity presented itself when my friend and teammate Roger asked if my “non-girlfriend” was coming to my first game.
He and some of the other guys had taken to calling her my “non-girlfriend” when I vehemently denied being with her after they’d met her.
“And why the fuck not?” they asked in a collective voice. “She’s smoking, she’s fun, and she’s great. Snatch that pussy up before someone else does.” They were a sweet bunch, I tell you.
“She’s just a friend,” I responded with a shrug. They told me I was an idiot, especially since it was obvious I had it bad, and I wasn’t fucking anything that walked anymore. I told them it was what it was, and they dropped it. But ever since then, Gen was my “non-girlfriend.”
“She’s not exactly talking to me,” I admitted.
“What’d you do?” he asked.
“I freaked the fuck out,” I told him. If it made me a pansy to admit it, then so be it. I’d been worse. “And now I’m not sure if she’ll talk to me, let alone come to the game.”
“Dude,” he said. “Girls aren’t that fucking complicated. Make her come, then show her you care. Simple.”
“And how would you know?” I asked him.
“Have you seen the amount of ass I get?” he replied haughtily.
He had a point, but then I had gotten just as much tail before I met Gen. It just seemed to come so naturally then. Now, I was a floundering fish around her.
“And how the hell do I make her come to the game?” I asked.
“Fuck if I know. Do I look like a girl?”
And that was when I knew I’d have to take a chance with Amanda.
“Hey, Amanda, it’s Cam.”
“Resorting to calling the best friend, I see,” she said after she picked up.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” I admitted.
“Somehow, you don’t strike me as the desperate type.”
“When it comes to Gen, it seems that’s all I am.”
“Aww, our sweet wittle Genny tamed the big bad jock player. How cute.” I could hear in her voice she was teasing me.
“Yeah.” It wasn’t exactly an admission, but there was honestly no point in denying her statement, however cliché it was. I had prided myself on not getting attached, and here I was, falling apart for the first time. “And I fucked up.”
“Tell me about it,” she responded.
“And now I need your help,” I told her.
“And why the hell would I betray my friend’s trust to help you?”
“Because I wouldn’t be trying so hard to win her back if all I wanted was to be friends,” I said.
“And what exactly do you want?”
“Her.” A simple and complicated answer at the same time. Three letters that meant more than anything else in the world—football included. “Any way she’ll let me have her. I just want her. I want her in my life, as my friend, girlfriend, and partner. All of the above.”
“I feel like I’m supposed to give you a harder time because you hurt Gen, like maybe I’m not being a good friend, but there is no way in hell I’m not going to help you after an answer like that. So tell me, what do you need from me?”
I gave her the details.
“I like it, big stud,” she said, and I could actually hear her smile.
“Thanks, Amanda, I owe you one.”
“Don’t thank me yet.”
“Thank you for being willing to help me.”
“Just be good to Gen. That’s enough for me,” she responded, and I knew she was a good friend just from that. I just had to hope that Amanda would make it happen on her end. The rest was up to me.
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
Present
Genevieve
CAM’S HAND FOUND my arm, and his hand slowly slid down to my waist. It was an innocent touch, not unlike the way he’d touched me throughout the school year, but this time, it was different. Then we were friends. Now … I apparently hadn’t thought things through fully because as his girlfriend, that meant we’d probably do ... stuff. Oh God, I was such a child if I couldn’t even say it in my mind. Sex. There, I verbalized it—sort of.
I stilled, and he pulled back.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, sincerity and worry clouding his eyes. Damn him for not being the man I needed. Damn him for being Tyler. I could have spent my life with the guy in front of me, but the man underneath this veil was far from it.
“It’s just that … I … I don’t really have that much experience,” I admitted shyly.
“It’s okay,” he said with seriousness. “We’ll go as slow or as fast as you want. It’s been a while for me too,” he said.
I snorted at the hilarity of his response. I was sure a week didn’t count as a “while.” And besides, he clearly didn’t get what “don’t really have that much experience” meant for me.
“Gen,” he said, looking into my eyes. “I haven’t been with anyone since I met you. I haven’t wanted to. I haven’t needed to.” Any other time, any other guy, I would have probably assumed he was saying whatever he thought would get me to swoon. But I could tell he meant his words. Fucking asshole kept melting my damn heart. He couldn’t just continue being a douche? I know, I know … not quite the usual reaction a girl would have at that moment. But I wasn’t a usual girl. I was damaged goods in a little shell, and it was thanks to said fucking asshole.
“I believe you,” I told him, “but it’s a little more complicated than that for me.” I hated having to tell him the extent of my innocence, but he needed to know that we wouldn’t be taking things much further. Even if all this was just a sham, he deserved to know. I wasn’t waiting for “the one” to lose my virginity. I just didn’t have the opportunity in high school, namely because of the exact guy who probably wanted it right then. And after, when I was building up the courage to go for it, to have those experiences, Cam had put a wrench in it. B
ut I wasn’t about to give him such a precious gift. He might have changed his exterior seamlessly the same way I had, but deep down, I was still the chubby girl with braces and no self-esteem. And that meant, deep down, he was the bully who picked on girls like me.
I wouldn’t be sleeping with Cam … not then, not in the future, and not ever. He didn’t necessarily have to know the “not ever” part, but I figured I’d have plenty of time to break his heart before we got to that part.
“Wait …” He trailed off like a light bulb was suddenly flashing above him. “You’re not… are you …? Gen, are you a virgin?” he asked as if he’d never heard of such a thing.
I nodded because I was too embarrassed to speak. The way he’d said it took me back to those times he’d called me a loser. I felt like one at that moment being a virgin, like it was something ungodly—ironic metaphor and all.
“But how?” he asked in confusion.
“I didn’t exactly have guys lining up in high school. And when I got here, it was a little overwhelming,” I confessed.
“But you’re beautiful,” he proclaimed like a revelation. I blushed. I always seemed to blush from his compliments. I guess I wasn’t used to getting them. “You’re fucking stunning, Gen. I don’t get how anyone couldn’t see that. How guys weren’t getting in line just for a chance to go on a date with you.”
“I didn’t look this way in high school,” I told him. It was the truth, and honestly, it was probably part of the reason I didn’t have guys look at me that way. Tyler’s insults hadn’t helped, but it wasn’t like other people ever heard his words. “I didn’t exactly look like the type of girl guys wanted to date. And I had some … some really bad experiences with … low self-esteem, I guess you could say.” I hadn’t wanted to give too much away or tell him anything that might make him realize who I was, but it felt like he’d been looking for an explanation. That was the best I could give him. “I didn’t even go to prom,” I said with a shrug like it wasn’t a big deal. But it had been. It had been huge … mostly because I didn’t get to enjoy my senior year of high school period. Forget prom. I missed out on everything.