by Leah Banicki
“How long ago, Anthony?” I didn’t want to know. I was not sure why I said it.
“Three weeks ago when I visited her hometown.” Anthony was actually starting to show some emotion. He had enough decency to look slightly ashamed.
I was through, I was sick and humiliated. No amount of pain in my life had ever prepared me for this. I was betrayed. I turned without another word and limped off in my high heels, through the grass. It was not my greatest moment after all.
Two assistants met me at the bottom of the hill and helped me back to my hotel room. Somewhere along the way I started sobbing, I was not sure when. I had the hiccups and tried to slow down my breathing. When I got into the room the assistants led me to the bed and one of the assistants gave me a bottle of water. I opened it and choked on the first sip. It started my weeping again. I suddenly was very dizzy and one of the producers was barking orders. I looked up to see a camera in my face. My anger boiled over and I wanted to stand up and yell something I would regret later. I stood to my feet and quickly ascertained that my body was going to lose the battle soon. My dizziness was followed by bright white stars and that far away feeling of warp speed – I was headed for the floor.
“She’s going to pass out.” I heard someone say. I was somehow seated and I gained back my vision a minute later. My head was between my knees.
“I’m ok, hic.” I sounded a bit tipsy. Why was this happening? Lord, please help me.
Somewhere in the recesses of my mind the contract I signed had a detail that I suddenly remembered. “I have to give permission for you to be taping in my room. It’s in my contract.” My voice was weak and I hick-ed through it a little but it accomplished my goal…
Some privacy to die in peace.
The camera crew pulled out of the room and I had a second to breathe.
The tears started flowing again but I was starting to calm myself. I had to leave. I couldn’t think knowing the cameras would be chasing me down. I started to undress out of the dream gown.
I thought this was going to be the gown I would wear when he proposed to me! It landed in a pool on the floor. I wanted to kick it. Instead, I would never look at it again.
I had to focus on boarding the plane. I realized the paperwork I signed earlier, along with all the prep work they did was because they already knew I was going to be dumped. They let me gush on camera about how Anthony was the man of my dreams and they knew I was in my own private delusion. I wanted to cry more. I felt I deserved the right to sob as much as I wanted to but I knew I needed to focus. Now I began the numb phase. I had to pack and leave the Bahamas, alone.
Part 2 Chapter 12
The Chicago airport was busy. It was early morning on a Sunday and there was so much hustle and bustle of weekend vacationers coming home. They were hovering, in mass, around the luggage carousel.
Having been out of the loop from the show I had to remind myself what the date was. I glanced at my iPhone, it read, February 3rd. I had missed my phone. I grabbed my luggage as it rolled around the large carousel. It was heavy and I felt a hot twinge in my shoulder as I yanked a little too hard. Where were all the men to carry my luggage now?
Looking around for the exit I slowly moved through as if in a trance. I wore a ridiculous traveling suit home, probably overcompensating for how wretched my heart felt. When in pain, overdress, seemed to be my coping mechanism.
I wore my long hair, extensions and all, in a bit of a poufy disarray today. I didn’t feel like straightening it this morning. Without five hairdressers this hairdo was very high maintenance.
Okay if I have to be honest, I did not feel like breathing the air in the Bahamas anymore. I was more than ready to leave. I made hasty decisions about what clothes to keep and when I did pack it was very uncharacteristically shoved and untidy. It would be a nightmare to clean up later. I just could not make myself care right now.
I checked my little mirror to make sure I didn’t look like I’d been crying. The show would have freaked out if I looked sad for any news crews. So far, so good! Their warning about the Paparazzi had proven false. My family wasn’t even here yet.
My family was notified by the show personnel as to when and where I would be. I felt the lonely seconds tick by as I neared the large exit doors. A wet cold wind was blasting through the door and I could see the hovering, gray overcast sky.
Reality… the cloudy gray Midwest in February. Not the most promising vision but it felt familiar. The Bahamas was not reality. It was fantasy. That might go into my journal later.
At last I saw someone I knew. My cousin was facing away from me but her profile was undeniable. A cute pixie face, chin length dark hair, amber eyes and a smile that was friendly and welcoming. After her parents died she came and lived with us. My high school years were spent with her, although she was younger by five years, we were pals. She was my height and many had mistaken us for sisters. We never did bother correcting it. It was fun to pretend.
“Christina!” I yelled and saw her turn. Her smile was huge as I heard her yell out too.
“It’s Hannah!” She said to the group.
My mother was behind her and I saw her instantly react. Her dark blond hair all flying around her face as she nearly ran into me, I was embracing her in a matter of moments. It felt so good to be held. It was honest, real and no cameras were pointed at me. I looked into my mom’s dark eyes and she was reading me instantly. Those wise eyes could see into my soul. How was I ever going to keep her from knowing?
I heard the snap and click of cameras, and was nervous for a second about the Paparazzi. My brother Joe was clicking away with his Nikon. A gift I gave him a few years ago. I was happy to see him enjoying it. He was tall, with dark hair like mine, and Dad’s dark brown eyes. His wife happily tucked in beside him.
“I was just thinking to myself how nice it was to not have cameras pointed at me all the time.” I joked. Everyone laughed and it calmed the mood. My brother Joe pulled the camera away and made a face, a fake unapologetic grimace. He shrugged, comically.
My dad was tall and thin, he looked happy and healthy. I let him hold me for a long minute and tried to avoid his glare too much. I could never hide my feelings from my dad, either. My parents trained me to go to them with my burdens. This was going to be so difficult, how can the show expect me to lie to my family?
Next, I embraced my brother Joe and his wife, Annie. Annie was a tiny little bundle of love, she took good care of my brother and my two nieces, so I was partial to her, too.
My cousin, Christina stood there patiently while I made the rounds of hugs. She handed me a tissue and I wiped away the happy tears. We giggled through our tears and hugged like sisters.
“Thanks, Chrissy.”
“Lets get you home, my girl.” My dad said. He was always very matter-of-fact, his organized engineer self. He wanted to get things rolling and have all his ducks in a row. He taught me about discipline and order, never in a harsh way, just how to make life easier with a plan of action. My grandfather had been the same way. They both married women like my mom, a little free-spirited and emotional. I liked to think of myself as a perfect blend of the two. Organized and artsy. The thought made me smile as I walked outside with my family. It was good to see them again, even if my heart felt heavy for all the secrets I had to carry. How would I keep them in the dark, I wondered?
The last time we saw each other was weeks ago when Anthony was here. His weekend-long visit was probably going to be running through their minds for a while. They still figured that I was secretly engaged now, I was sure of it. I had to get good at pretending for five weeks.
“This way,” The group was chipper but I felt a weird tension. Everyone just wanted to get me home. I knew I had to be careful what I said.
The blast of winter’s chill was wet and deadly to my unprepared skin. I lost a little bit of my “chipper” when the wind howled across the parking lot and stole thirty degrees of my body heat. I trudged through the lot hunched up in
my overdressed state, high heels and all through the parking lot. I just adored reality at this moment. * * * * *
We got to the vehicle and I decided to ride with my parents. I let Chrissy know she would be riding with my brother, Joe. I needed to discuss a few things with my parents. She pouted a moment but finally climbed into the car. They were chatting away before the doors were closed. My sister-in-law, Annie, was a great communicator.
After my father expertly packed all my baggage into the SUV I let my exhausted body relax in the backseat. We were away from the airport for a minute before my mother broke the silence.
“So, my darling girl, we are safe to talk to. We have both signed the confidentiality agreement. You can spill now.” My mom turned to the back and gave me a supportive grin.
How to start… I wondered.
“Well, for the first time in my life I fell in love.” My voice sounded thick and strained all of the sudden. My throat constricted a bit when I realized that I got to share, I wanted to and dreaded it.
“He fell in love too, just not with me.”
I saw the concern on my mom’s face as she reached a hand back awkwardly. She held my hand at an odd angle from the front seat to the back.
“Are you OK?” My mom kept it simple. Her voice sounded a bit thick, too. She was a joiner in emotional situations, the caregiver in her hated to see anyone hurting.
“Not really. He led me on for the sake of the show. I am really confused and heartbroken.” I said out loud quickly, letting the terrible words tumble out before I could think about them too much. It hurt in such a way I could not even fathom yet.
“Well you are home for a while. You get to rest and heal. God has got you, baby girl.” My Dad said, from his seat at the wheel. I could see his dark head peaking above the seat. A few new grays were peppered in with the dark brown hair. They looked good on him. I watched my parents through tears as we tried desperately to chitchat about nothing on the hour-long drive home.
I caught myself sharing a few times about the show, but mostly we kept the topics light. My parents were good at diffusing situations. I felt really lucky to have them just now.
* * * * *
Oh, the feeling of home. My bedroom had been turned into my mother’s office since I had moved to New York but now it was a pleasant spare bedroom again. I would be here for at least the next five weeks.
We dragged my luggage in and I set myself to task, unpacking the essentials, sweats, jeans, and jammiepants.
Get coffee, with extra sugar and creamer. Then attack my laptop. I told myself.
My parents were giving me space. After an hour, my mom came in my room with cinnamon toast and we talked for a little while.
“I don’t understand how he could lead you on. Did you honestly believe in your heart that he loved you back?” My mom was trying to understand it all. “He seemed very affectionate to you when he had visited.”
“He said things all the time about how he thanked God for finding me. I look back now and can still hear the tone and inflection. I thought he was in love with me. I am trying not to be bitter, I really am mom, but…” I felt a golf ball in my throat. “I feel so hurt.”
My computer dinged and we both were startled and laughed. My macbook was getting its last update. I couldn’t wait to dive in and edit some photos or something as a distraction.
“I think he used our shared faith as a way to abuse the situation. He kept talking about God and then using Him to describe our relationship. It is all very misleading. Especially now that I know that he slept with the other girl.” My voice was sounding thick. I was crying again. Drat…
“I don’t know what to say sweetie. Besides how much I wish to heal your pain. But I know better. This is your journey. I can’t make it for you. I can just be your cheerleader and cinnamon toast maker.”
I liked the visual and took a big bite of toast with a lopsided grin. It was very comforting. I heard the front door open and the sound of feet in the kitchen. My mom and I headed out of my bedroom to see what the hubbub was about.
My brother, his wife and my cousin were piling in. My brother’s two young daughters were there too and it seemed a party was in order. They had balloons and a cake. I was concerned that I had forgotten someone’s birthday. My nieces ran to me with big smiles and both yelled as they hugged me.
“Welcome home, Aunt Hannah.” They both handed me their coats and hugged my middle as I stood up.
“Is this party for me?” I turned to the youngest girl, Katie. Her blond hair cut in the cutest pageboy haircut. It made me aware that I had barely brushed my hair today.
“It’s your welcome party Aunt Hannah. We brought cake and ice cream and we’re gonna have tacos.” I was aware these were my favorites.
I excused myself for a bit and pulled my well-traveled self back into working order. A brush and a dab of my mom’s makeup did the trick. I wasn’t sure which bag I had put all my things. This would do for now.
I came out and a banner hung across the counter. I was certain by the signs of the markers that were “mostly” within the lines, that it was decorated by my nieces. I had my camera with me and got busy snapping pictures of my beautiful family.
Soon the food was spread out and ready to serve. We watched my dad patiently add the leaves to the dining room table to make room for everyone. Joe and I brought up the spare chairs from the basement. It felt normal and surreal to be back at home. After the globe-trotting it was pleasant to just…be.
I loaded my plate with tacos and some cheesy Spanish rice. My glass was full of Dr. Pepper and my family surrounded me, talking about anything and everything at once. I had missed this long before the TV show. New York brought back memories of many things however, homey family was not one of them.
After dinner the girls started a game of memory with their dad while Chrissy and I headed to the couch. She was a few years younger than me and we always got along well. I knew she was sad when I left for New York but she didn’t hold it against me.
“How was Soulmate?” She blurted out once we were seated and comfy.
“I loved the traveling. It was always a whirlwind going here and there.” I said, intentionally brave. I couldn’t really talk about it with anyone other than my parents.
“Did Anthony propose? He seemed so in love with you during the visit a few weeks ago.” Chrissy was always talkative and kept going like she had been saving up. “He is soooo attractive. I swear I couldn’t have kept my hands off him, if he were mine.” I tried not to cringe and just answered her questions the best I could.
“Well I signed a very serious contract and I cannot tell you about how Anthony and I ended the show, upon pain of a lawsuit. I can say that I do agree, he is very attractive, but we behaved ourselves.” I tried to pout prettily at not being able to share with my cousin. I knew I would be curious in her shoes.
“Oh, of course Hannah, I knew that. Sorry, you don’t have to say another word. But you can nod if you miss him.” Her face was all pixie cuteness. I had to think about her inquiry. I did miss him, I think. If I hadn’t known he was lying and pretending. I missed the way he made me feel.
I nodded, and heard her sigh. I used to feel like that when I watched Soulmate.
Not sure if I ever would again.
I kept my plastered smile on and then played a game with my darling nieces. I won at chutes and ladders. I got kisses from Katie and Melissa, one on each cheek. I sat down with my dad in front of his recliner. He gave me a shoulder rub that took a lot of tension out of me. I was relaxed and mildly happy. I was in the moment and it was a good one. My parents had a brief meeting with all the adults after they put the little ones to bed in another spare room they had just for the girls, with bunk beds and their own toys.
“Hannah cannot talk about her time on Soulmate unless the episode has already passed. She is forbidden by law to divulge the results. We are to expect the media frenzy any time now. If it gets too heavy we may have to relocate her with a litt
le subterfuge. We have a few ideas for an escape route for Hannah if need be. Chrissy could play the role of Hannah if that happens.” Chrissy did a little clap. Everyone laughed. This was kind of exciting.
“I have asked my parents in Florida to take her in.” Anne said to be helpful.
“We were told to avoid air travel. The news networks are sneaky and will have her name flagged at all the airports. If she books a flight, they will know right away. We should keep her indoors for the next few weeks at least. After the final show they said it might get worse. Everyone will want interviews and letters and fan-mail will start pouring in.” My mom was handling herself with so much poise, I was impressed.
“I think we can all just say ‘no comment’ if the reporters come around. We need to remember to just keep everything as quiet and uneventful as possible. No need to get caught up in any craziness.” My Dad’s speech was all practicality.
“I am fading fast guys and I appreciate tonight more than I can say. I just realized how much I have missed you all. Thanks for making this so easy.” I said, and then yawned. They all shared a hug with me and I headed to my room. I think they kept talking for a while but I was done.
* * * * *
I rifled through my luggage and found a tank top and some fuzzy jammie-pants with hearts on them. I opened my laptop and started an email to Allison. The last thing I planned on doing before I went into a coma.
I turned off all the lights and sat Indian-style on the bed while typing out my email.
My email started:
Dear Alli,
I am home, now and I can’t call yet because of the TV show rules but I am ok. I cannot divulge how the show went but I will tell you I did get to go to the Bahamas. It was warm and beautiful there. Coming back today to the chilly Midwest was a shock after the stunning weather in all the tropical locales.
I missed you this whole time. I am sorry that I couldn’t call. They are very serious about keeping the secrets of the show private until the very last episode is shown.
Please write back and give me something to talk about. Tell me everything you have been up too.