Finding Our Forever

by Brenda Novak

  “So she stayed with him?”

  “She had no choice, had nowhere else to go. They rambled around from town to town, picking up odd jobs and living in motels and dumpy apartments. Before too long, she was so miserable she began to search for a way out and finally met a girlfriend who offered to help. But when she tried to leave Dutch—Dutch Pruitt was his name—he came after her, made all kinds of crazy threats against them both. Your mother was so afraid he’d act on those threats, and hurt someone besides her, that she went back to him and, for the next year or so, was treated as more of a captive than anything else.”

  Eli’s throat had gone so dry he could scarcely swallow. “How did she eventually get away from him?”

  “She got a waitressing job. The owner of the place was a retired cop by the name of ‘Murph’ Matheson, and he and his wife took a shine to her. They helped her get a restraining order against Dutch, let her move in with them and their children. They even insisted she start college and helped with the expenses.”

  “And the pregnancy?”

  “Your mother realized she was going to have a baby a month after she moved in with the Mathesons. But she knew if she kept the baby, she’d never really be rid of Dutch. He’d be part of her life forever, and because she was convinced he wasn’t completely sane she didn’t want him around the baby. She also knew her mother would never be able to accept the child, would never be able to love it, if they ever reconciled, which was something she was beginning to hope for. So...”

  “She gave it up.”

  “That’s right.”

  Leaning back, Eli took a deep breath. “Did Dutch ever find out about the baby?”

  “No. But he would have had she kept it. It took another three years for her to get rid of him altogether. He was a truck driver by then and took his own life by driving his semi over a cliff.”

  Eli sat rubbing the beard growth on his chin as he attempted to process this information. “Wow...” he said on a long exhale. Even a saint like his mother had a skeleton in her closet, and that skeleton had quite a stigma attached to it.

  Cal came to his feet and circled the desk. “Eli, I hope you won’t let this damage your opinion of your mother. I would feel terrible if it did. Regardless of her past, I’ve never met a better person. I don’t think she should be defined by that one mistake.”

  He lifted a hand to signal that Cal had nothing to worry about. “I’m not judging her,” he said. “My mother has proven who she is many times over.” This just confirmed, once again, that no one was perfect.

  But what did he do with the information now?

  * * *

  While Eli was gone, Cora cooked some Cajun pasta sauce for their dinner from a recipe she found on the internet. She was trying to stay busy, but she often found herself staring off into space, wondering if Cal might be able to answer some of the questions that’d nearly driven her mad over the years—and if Eli was getting him to talk. Would Cal know that his beloved Aiyana had had a child? And, if so, had Aiyana told him she’d put that child up for adoption?

  Even if he didn’t know, if the news came as a complete surprise, would he suggest they tell Aiyana who she was—or not?

  Cora would’ve gone to see Cal along with Eli, so that she could take part in the discussion. She really wanted to be there. But Cal was so protective of Aiyana, she and Eli both felt that Eli had a better chance of getting him to open up without her—which left her to wait and worry.

  Although Eli was gone for only a couple of hours, it felt like forever. The second Cora heard him at the door, she turned off the stove, left the Cajun sauce in the pan and hurried to meet him. “How was it?” she asked as he came in.

  That Eli didn’t seem to be relieved or excited made Cora’s chest constrict to the point that she could barely breathe. She tried to read his thoughts and feelings as he grimaced and rubbed his forehead.

  “It wasn’t good,” she surmised.

  He pulled her over to the couch. “I think maybe you should sit down.”

  She did as he suggested but perched on the very edge, too nervous to relax. “Cal didn’t know anything about me?”

  “Actually, he did.”

  She wanted to feel some hope, but Eli’s manner didn’t warrant any. “And...”

  “It’s complicated—difficult to know how to proceed without hurting Aiyana as well as...others.”

  “Others?” she echoed in surprise.

  “That’s the thing. This could affect more than just you and her.”

  “Do you mean Lilly and Brad? Because they’re okay with me telling Aiyana. They weren’t at first. They felt threatened, to a degree. You know that. But they’ve begun to understand that I’m an adult now, and I should have the right to know where I come from. They also know it won’t change how I feel about them.”

  “I’m not talking about Brad and Lilly, Cora.”

  She drew a deep breath and clasped her hands together to stop them from trembling. “Then who?”

  He wore a sympathetic expression as he reached over to slide a strand of hair out of her eyes. “Remember how you had trouble telling me that you were Aiyana’s child because no one knew she even had a child and you thought you might be revealing something too personal?”

  Cora curled her fingernails into her palms. “Yes...”

  “That’s how I feel right now. What happened to Aiyana, what she did, would be hard to...to cope with. She’s not completely to blame—she was so young—but she made some bad decisions that got her into a situation no one would ever ask to be in.”

  “She was raped?” Cora had wondered that before, many times. If Aiyana had been raped, Cora could understand why she might not care to live with the reminder, so she was surprised when he shook his head.

  “No. Cal said, and I agree, that if it had been a random attack, something where she wasn’t also culpable, she might’ve been able to get over it by now.”

  “You’re saying she’s not over it.”

  “Not from what I can see. If she was, I believe she’d be married to Cal. Instead, she’s pushing him away, denying herself any hope of that kind of happiness and fulfillment.”

  “She’s punishing herself because of me?”

  “Not because of you. Because of guilt. Because of regret. Because she hurt someone she loves. Cal told me she doesn’t believe she deserves to be happy, which is why we see her giving so much to everyone else while continually denying herself.”

  “Cal said that?”

  “Not in so many words. But once he explained the situation, I understood. Aiyana’s rejecting his love because she doesn’t feel she deserves it.”

  Forcing her hands open, Cora rubbed her sweaty palms on her denim-clad thighs. “But if it wasn’t rape, how bad can it be? And if it is that bad, why would Cal ever open up about it?”

  “Trust me, he was reluctant. He just didn’t have much choice, not with you living here and marrying me.”

  “Your mother wouldn’t want me here if she knew who I was. That’s the bottom line, isn’t it?” She’d told herself she’d accept whatever Eli came back with, take it well. She’d been lucky enough to have Lilly and Brad. But she couldn’t stem the bitter disappointment that flooded through her.

  “I don’t believe that, no. And it took some convincing, but before I left Cal agreed with me. As painful as it might be, confronting the truth is the only way you’ll be able to have the relationship with Aiyana that you deserve, and then maybe she can finally heal. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.”

  Those were harrowing words. “So what is it?” Cora asked. “You’re going to tell me, right? What happened?”

  Eli seemed to have trouble getting started. Whatever Aiyana had done was obviously not something he wanted to expose.

  “Eli?” s
he prompted.

  Finally, he managed to explain what’d happened nearly thirty years ago. He did so as diplomatically and kindly as possible, but what he had to say still shocked Cora.

  “Wow,” she said when he was finished.

  “She was young, confused,” he added for the second or third time. “What she did is so unlike her. There must’ve been some extenuating circumstances that we’re not aware of.”

  Cora’s mind raced as she tried to imagine how a situation like that could’ve developed and the damage it would cause. “My heart aches for her as much as it does Consuelo and her younger brothers. No wonder Aiyana doesn’t have much of a relationship with those two.”

  “I’m guessing Consuelo has forgiven her. But I feel like those two brothers might be harboring some resentment, which is why I’ve hardly ever seen them.”

  “So what did you mean, it’s time for the truth to come out? We can’t tell your mother who I am, Eli. If not for me, she’d be able to leave the past in the past, which is something she’s proven she’s desperate to do. I love her, too. I didn’t come here to bring her misery and unhappiness.”

  “That’s just it,” he said. “Once you sit down and tell her who you are—”

  “No! Aren’t you listening? I don’t want to serve as a constant reminder of—of all that.”

  Eli scooted closer. “Hear me out. Why not tell her and leave it there? I mean, just because you both know doesn’t mean everyone else has to know.”

  Her mind raced as she tried to comprehend what he was getting at. But she was still processing The Terrible Secret in which she played such an integral part. “You’re suggesting we tell her but not the extended family?”

  “Or anyone else. Why would we have to? You’ll soon be her daughter-in-law as well as her daughter. If she loves you, spends a lot of time with you, calls you her little girl, no one will think twice about it, even Consuelo or my uncles. From what Cal told me, Consuelo never knew about the pregnancy. Aiyana went through those nine months, and the delivery, alone. She made the decision to put you up for adoption alone, too. Then she did her best to move on and build something out of her life—and she did that alone, too, until she could reconcile with her family, which didn’t happen until about five years after you were born.”

  “She didn’t tell anyone?”

  “Only Cal, and that well after she was back in touch with her family. He said she couldn’t talk about those years or the adoption without breaking down. She was too ashamed. And she didn’t want to hurt her mother and brothers any more than she already had by announcing the fact that she’d had a baby by her former stepfather.”

  Cora nibbled at her lip as she pictured what having such a discussion with Aiyana might be like but eventually shook her head. “I can’t. I can’t tell her if she’ll only be sad that I found her. That’s not why I came here.”

  “Cora, listen to me.” He took her hands. “Imagine how she must feel when she thinks of you. She gave you up because she was convinced she had to, which means, not only did she lose her family, at least for a while, she lost her only child. That has to be painful. She feels she deserves the pain, which is why she’s tried so hard not to look back and hasn’t taken up a search for you. But if you were to come to her, and it didn’t hurt her mother, her brothers or anyone else, I have to believe it might finally fill the hole in her heart. Don’t you see? Finding out that her baby had a good upbringing, one in which she was treated well, and has turned into such a beautiful, fully functioning young woman would have to erase some of that terrible guilt. It would also make her proud. Having you back... I believe she’d feel complete—at last.”

  Cora’s eyes began to burn with unshed tears.

  “You have to tell her,” he said. “Only you can bring her peace.”

  * * *

  Cora almost turned around a million times. If not for Eli’s words, his strong belief that she was doing the right thing, she would have. Instead, early the following Sunday, after a sleepless night she spent alone at her own house, she kept walking toward Aiyana’s. At least she knew that Liam and Bentley wouldn’t be there, that she and her biological mother would have the house to themselves. When Eli had called Aiyana to set up this appointment, he’d asked if the boys could spend the night with him. According to the good-luck text she’d just received from him, Liam and Bentley were still sound asleep. She knew Eli would run interference for her until he received the “all clear.”

  Everything was ready—except her.

  “How am I going to say it?” she muttered as she trudged along, hugging herself against the early morning chill.

  Fortunately, the campus was deserted. She was grateful for that, wasn’t sure she’d be able to fake a smile if she happened upon a student or fellow teacher. She was close to tears, and she hadn’t even arrived yet.

  When she did reach Aiyana’s, Aiyana answered the door immediately. Cora could tell she’d been waiting and watching for her. Aiyana knew something serious was up; the concern in her eyes proved it.

  “Thanks for...thanks for allowing me to come over,” Cora said.

  Aiyana stood aside and waved her in. “Of course. You’re welcome here anytime. I hope you know that.”

  “I do.”

  Aiyana led her into the living room where that picture of Hank, Consuelo and family graced the old piano. Cora felt a niggle of doubt when she glanced at it. Once she said what she had to say, there’d be no taking it back. But she knew she’d come too far to change her mind. For better or worse, it was time for the truth.

  “Why all the secrecy?” Aiyana asked as they sat, facing each other, on the sofa. “I’d assume it was because you want to arrange a surprise for Eli, maybe for the wedding, but he’s the one who asked me to set this time aside and insisted on taking the boys, so...that doesn’t seem to fit.”

  “No, it’s not that kind of surprise.”

  “So he knows what you’re about to say.”

  “He does. Cal does, too. And my parents. They all felt you and I should address this at a time when we could be alone and weren’t likely to get interrupted.”

  Her eyebrows knit above her dark, searching eyes. “Cal’s part of this?”

  “Yes. And my parents, as I said. But it’s a very small, tight circle, and we all want what’s best for you. This is no one else’s business but our own.”

  The color drained from Aiyana’s face as she stiffened. “You’re giving me the impression this is bad news. You and Eli haven’t changed your mind about the wedding. You’re not leaving New Horizons.”

  “No. I love Eli more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I hope I’ll be able to make him happy.”

  “I know he feels the same about you. You’ve taught him to trust again. I’ve been waiting for a woman to come along who had the power to do that. So...”

  Cora couldn’t help wringing her hands. “Aiyana, I... I’m...” She tapped a hand to her chest as if she could force out the rest of the words, but that was as far as she got before she choked up and couldn’t speak.

  Sympathetic tears filled Aiyana’s eyes. “What is it, Cora?” she asked. “You can tell me anything.”

  “It’s something I’ve been trying to tell you since I came here. Since the private investigator who...who helped me first find you.”

  With a gasp, Aiyana covered her mouth. She knew. In that moment, she knew, but Cora spoke, anyway.

  “I’m the child you gave up.”

  “Twenty-eight years ago,” she whispered, her eyes filled with nostalgia and pain. “Twenty-nine on February 21.”

  “Yes. I—I hope you’re not upset that I went to such great lengths to find you. And that I didn’t tell you from the start. I’m not here to remind you of anything that might be painful or to bring you any unhappiness. I just... I’ve always craved a connection. And now
that I have one, I’m glad. You are everything I ever hoped you would be!”

  She sprang to her feet and backed away as if Cora had slapped her. “No, you have no idea who I really am. What I...what I did.”

  Cora stood, too, and caught hold of her hands. “That’s just it, I do know. And it doesn’t change anything.”

  A tortured expression claimed her face. “But I’m so ashamed—”

  “Don’t be,” Cora broke in. “Let it go. All the people you know love you in spite of whatever you did in the past. I want to share my life with you as the daughter I am. But as far as I’m concerned, your mother, the rest of your family, everyone else can know me as your daughter-in-law.”

  “I won’t ask you to lie for me,” Aiyana said.

  “You’re not asking me to lie. We’ll keep this to ourselves for their sakes. Why would they need to know? Why open that old wound? They never knew I existed in the first place, so they aren’t missing anything. I’m perfectly satisfied with that and would be thrilled if only...if only you could forgive yourself and let yourself love me in return.”

  “I do love you,” Aiyana said. “I have never forgotten the day you were born. I can’t tell you how many millions of times I’ve thought of you and wished...wished I could at least know where you were, if you were happy, if you had what you needed.”

  Which was why she’d made it her life’s mission to love every orphaned child she could, why she’d adopted so many. Cora could easily see the correlation—her attempt to compensate. “The past is the past. It can’t be changed. Just don’t deny us a future. Please?”

  “I never would.” Aiyana squeezed her hands. “I can’t believe I have you back, that nearly thirty years of wondering and worrying has come to an end.”

  Cora smiled through her tears. “Thank you.”

  “No, thank you.” She pulled her into a tight embrace. “I’ll never let you go again.”

  Epilogue

  “What do you think of this?”

  Cora turned to see Aiyana holding a lovely teal bridesmaid dress. Although she’d done most of her wedding shopping in LA with Lilly—who’d made it her new life’s mission to throw the most spectacular wedding in the world and had dived in as if they’d given her only six weeks instead of a full six months to plan everything—they’d been unable to find the right bridesmaid dresses. Cora had been hoping to visit Santa Barbara to see if she could find anything different, so she’d invited Aiyana to drive over with her and have lunch.