The Supervillain Handbook

by King Oblivion

  E. . . . climb to the top of the tower, where you give a long-winded speech about how super-heroes are a cancer on this world, and you are the only cleansing agent that can eradicate their vile stench. Then, you go home and masturbate.

  F. . . . sneak your way into the heroes’ trophy room, where you grab all their old pictures of themselves hugging each other. You forge their signatures on them and sell the photos on eBay for a pretty penny.

  G. . . . try to kill everyone and everything in sight while you prattle on and on about how this is the “natural order of the universe.”

  If you chose option A, you are power-mad.

  If you chose option B, you are a bloodluster.

  If you chose option C, you are a revengencer.

  If you chose option D, you are an I’ll-show-them-o-mancer.

  If you chose option E, you are a villain fetishist, and we don’t want to shake your hand.

  If you chose option F, you are money-hungry.

  If you chose option G, you are damned insane.

  Chapter 4

  Persona*

  * Chapter 4 is sponsored by MOLT ‘N WEAR, “Fashionable female apparel for people who have suddenly turned into half-lobsters—better than butter and lemon juice!”

  The halls in our hive-like underground headquarters are covered with fliers displaying the acronym “WAGIYAN,” which stands for “Without a Great Identity, You Are Nothing.” We had nothing to do with them, but The Motivatron, the living brain of a shamed motivational speaker implanted into the stomach of a fifteen-foot-tall robot, insisted we put them up or threatened to hold a no-breaks, nine-month seminar about how to unlock your inner monster . . . so we relented. (Incidentally, in the henchman barracks, “wagiyan” has become a slang term for the process of shoving one or more testicles into someone’s nostril.)

  In spite of the overwhelming obnoxiousness of ubiquitous, inspirational posters, the sentiment holds true. In supervillainy, image is everything. Experience, education, and a foolproof plan can get you a long way in this game, but without a unique, head-turning persona and a bombastic presence, even the most capable villain is just another guy breaking into an embassy with a forty-foot energy sword.

  So before you start sewing together your armored body suit, take some time to think about exactly how you want to be viewed in the supervillain and superhero community, because you’re going to be stuck with whatever you come up with for pretty much the rest of your career. It’s like a band name. Do you think Hootie and the Blowfish still want to be Hootie and the Blowfish? No. No they don’t. But they came up with that name one night, presumably while high on turpentine, and had to spend the next several years of success, plus, the following lifetime’s worth of obscurity living it down.

  To make sure you don’t become a supervillain equivalent of Hootie and the Blowfish, we present the following rundown of the key aspects of your supervillain identity.

  Name

  Some of us luck out. With a last name like von Doom, Horrible, Scorpio, Oblivion, or Murderknife, our monikers are laid out for us from the get-go (and it’s kind of hard to go into accounting). Others get the benefit of a pitch-perfect, horrifying nickname. Like, one of our members got the name The Brain Butcher when he was in high school. We’re not sure how he got that title, but we have our guesses. (They all involve butchering brains.)

  Most supervillains don’t get that luxury. In large part, they’re saddled with birth names like Mike Wordsworth and Sandra Mixon, like most other workaday shlubs out there punching a clock to make their daily dime. For them, the naming process is a little more difficult, but they also have more freedom to create the evil image they think suits them best.

  If you weren’t blessed (cursed) with an automatic villain name at birth, keep these tips in mind as you develop your hellish handle:

  • Keep it close to your real name if you can. Say, for instance, your name is Ray Mantara. It’s not that much of a stretch for you to stick a tail on yourself and become the Viciously Stinging Manta Ray. If your name’s Roxy Smith, then consider becoming Lady Rock-Smith (you may also want to learn how to forge rocks into spears and horseshoes and stuff).

  • Avoid duplication. Frankly, we don’t give a shit about copyright law and all that garbage (though if we see any illegal copies of this book floating around on file-sharing sites, we will move quickly forward with our plans to destroy the internet by ridding the world of kitten pictures). No, our concern here has more to do with avoiding confusion than anything else. Look, we can’t have two Jokers running around; unless that’s part of a villainous plan he’s got going where an impostor creates distractions while he wreaks havoc on Gotham or something. But outside of that circumstance, we try to avoid confusing the heroes (and they confuse easily), the media, and each other as much as possible. So if you absolutely cannot live without doing a clown shtick, look into becoming Jocular Jones or Clownicus or something like that. It’ll just make everyone’s life so much easier.

  • Fit your shtick. Simply: If you’re completely hairless and you shoot fireballs out of your fingertips, then The Terrible Timberwolf isn’t the name for you.

  • Remember brevity. Heroes aren’t going to want to spend their time on you if, whenever they confront you, they have to say something like, “Stand down, Onerous, Obstructionist Orphan Oliver, Now-adult Protagonist of the Charles Dickens Book!” A name like that takes away from valuable fighting time. Plus, superheroes aren’t all that good with polysyllabic words. So, for the sake of your own fame and to avoid having to tell oafs with greasy hair how to pronounce your nom de plume, go with something simple, like “Evil Oliver Twist,” and be done with it.

  Powers/Expertise

  Most supervillains don’t get a say in this part of their personae. But, if you do get that chance, like, say, you get to choose what powers you get as a subject of extensive, yet surprisingly democratic, government testing, then go for something unique and different. (We’ll discuss this topic more in Chapter 6.)

  SUPERVILLAIN HISTORY FACT

  Three U.S. presidents of the 20th century were, in fact, supervillains. Many believe that Richard Nixon was one of them. That is not true. Nixon was a henchman put into power by a cabal of supervillains who irrationally hated circular hotels. The three genuine supervillain presidents were: William Howard Taft (villain name: The Deathtub), Franklin D. Roosevelt (villain name: Poliolus), and Ronald Reagan (villain name: Oven Dutch).

  Methods

  Your ultimate goal in villainy (see previous chapter) will obviously play some part in determining what type of supervillain you are, but you’re also largely defined by the methods you use to achieve those goals. In fact, the six types of supervillain are chiefly defined by method:

  1. The Conqueror

  As the name implies, this villain is a ruthless power player who will use direct force to get what he or she wants. Often, he or she will use alien armies, flying tanks, giant gas bombs, or assemblages of other villains to perform his or her dastardly, usually large-scale acts. Don’t be fooled, though: This villain may not be in it only for power. Sometimes, the Conqueror simply likes to stomp as many people under his or her heel as possible, just for the hell of it.

  2. The Mastermind

  The Mastermind’s goals are often identical to those of the Conqueror, but he or she is more subtle in methodology. What amounts to an entire criminal plan for some villains serve as mere distractions, complications or kinks in the grand, drawn-out master plans of the Mastermind. Often, Mastermind plans take years to carry out. Sometimes, they’ll hire the Thug or the Wild Card to carry out one part of their plan, while a minion carries out another portion elsewhere. Precision and caution are key, despite the fact that some superheroes will almost certainly swoop in and punch it all away, right as it’s coming to fruition.

  3. The Madman

  Here’s how you define the Madman’s methods: The Madman is impossible to define. One thing you can pretty much guarantee, though, is that whate
ver he’s going to do, it’ll be scary as hell. He (or if a madwoman, she) will always surprise you with how extraordinarily violent, sick, and dangerous he or she can be. Often they desire only violence and destruction, but sometimes they love money or seek power. You can never really tell with those crazy fools.

  4. The Wild Card

  Not to be confused with the Madman, the Wild Card has very clear goals, and, by all appearances, seems to be a well-adjusted individual. However, his or her loyalties are often fleeting, and they will regularly stab anyone in the back in order to get what they want, which is often money, but could also be other things as well; such as the keys to a bank where they can steal a lot of money. Often handsome, dashing, fast-talkers, Wild Cards are the very definition of douchiness.

  5. The Thug

  The thug does one thing very well: Pound on superheroes (or anyone else who might need a pounding). But just because brute force is his or her stock in trade, the Thug is not necessarily a moron (although many seem to be). He or she is often loyal, though it’s not unheard of for a Thug to turn on a Mastermind or even a Conqueror for his or her own personal gain. Often, they do this by trying to pound said Mastermind or Conqueror into submission.

  6. The Trickster

  One might say the Trickster is essentially a neutered version of the Madman, but that is to underestimate the Trickster. Yes, both may laugh often and wear colorful outfits, but the Trickster, like the Mastermind, has very specific goals in mind when he or she places clues at the scene of a crime for a superhero or affixes the police commissioner to the handle of a giant jack-in-the-box. Also, the Trickster is less interested in killing than the Madman. Often, he or she simply wants to best everyone else in a match of wits, but has lost his or her Trivial Pursuit game in the back of the closet.

  PROFILES IN LAME SUPERVILLAINY

  Typeface

  History: War veteran Gordon Thomas became a sign maker after his wife left him. But when another guy bought the company he worked for, he got all upset and became a supervillain. So, to recap: wife leaves you, go find a job making signs; lose sign-making job, become a supervillain. Thomas drew letters all over his body with a grease pen and dubbed himself Typeface, because in addition to reacting to things inappropriately, he also lacks creativity, which could account for why he got fired as a sign maker.

  M.O.: Thomas attacks the new owner of the sign-making business and Spider-Man (who is involved for some reason) with the giant letters he apparently stole from the place where he used to work, again displaying his less-than-desirable attributes as an employee. In a true display of lameness, he is defeated not by Spider-Man but by the fellow who bought the business, when the guy sets off a bomb destroying the building he had just bought. So essentially no superhero was necessary in the story of a bad, disgruntled employee and what is clearly a terrible businessman.

  Attire

  Your clothes, especially if they cover any and all facial features and exposed skin (and we recommend that), are the first things that most people will notice about you. That is, until you become a national legend whose mere name sparks instant fear and pant-urination to the teeming masses. But again, one thing at a time.

  You must make sure that your clothing matches your villainous style and the image you want to put across. You have some leeway with what you want to wear, but certain fashion choices are outright no-no’s for certain villain types. (For example, it’s pretty much a no-no for a male villain to wear anything a female villain would wear.) The helpful chart below will clue you in to what you should and shouldn’t be wearing.

  Best for . . . Not for . . . Professional Tip

  Battle armor / military uniform The Thug, The Conqueror, The Wild Card The Mastermind, The Madman, The Trickster Best (worst) for villains who will be in the field, crushing skulls.

  Spandex or leather The Mastermind, The Trickster, The Thug, The Madman, The Wild Card The Conqueror Standard dress, but keep in mind that it’s sometimes hard to be menacing with your junk showing.

  Business Suit The Mastermind, The Conqueror, The Trickster The Madman, The Thug, The Wild Card For when you’re attempting to give the appearance of “legitimacy.”

  Brightly colored, ill-fitting suit The Madman, The Wild Card, The Trickster The Thug, The Mastermind, The Conqueror A good (bad) indicator that you don’t give a shit about “legitimacy.”

  Street clothes The Trickster, The Thug, The Wild Card The Conqueror, The Mastermind, The Madman People won’t remember just a t-shirt and jeans, so try to make your ensemble as ugly and memorable as possible.

  Lab coat and goggles The Mastermind, The Wild Card, The Madman The Thug, The Conqueror, The Wild Card For when you want it to look like you actually invent stuff rather than making henchmen do all your R & D.

  Nothing The Thug, The Wild Card The Trick-Ster, The Madman, The Conqueror, The Mastermind Appropriate only for animal-hybrid villains, those with no genitals, and characters in Heavy Metal.

  Please don’t go nude.

  Once you’ve picked your type of attire, you’re going to want to answer three remaining questions regarding your supervillain look:

  1. Mask or no mask?

  To answer this question, ask yourself another: Would I want my mother knowing I was flying around on a personal gliding device, heaving bombs shaped like skulls at men with bug powers? If your mother wouldn’t care, then don’t worry about it. If she would, then you’d better go with the mask. If you killed your own mother, then it probably doesn’t make much of a difference. Go with your gut, or with her ghost, who regularly speaks to you.

  2. Cape or no cape?

  If you saw the startlingly inaccurate propaganda film, The Incredibles, you may think capes are just an accident waiting to happen, what with all the gruesome imagery of cape-wearing people getting sucked into plane engines and such. But we have a counterpoint to that argument. Sometimes, they look really cool; especially when they’ve got awesome hoods and stuff. So if you want to look awesome, you’re probably going to want to look into getting a cape.

  3. What about a logo on my chest or belt buckle?

  This one depends on a few variables. Are you willing to put a giant target on yourself simply so that everyone can know all about your nuclear-based superpowers or that your name begins with an R? In most cases, the answer will be yes.

  Completing the Circle: Picking a Nemesis

  Now that you’ve mostly completed the process of developing your supervillain persona, there’s one thing left to do to cement your identity, and that’s picking the superhero who best fits your unique style of menace. Keep the following tips in mind when picking the superhero or superheroes you plan to torment for the majority of your career (some crossover is allowed, but only with prior approval), so you don’t get stuck with someone you might end up being friends with or something.

  • Find your opposite number

  If there happens to be a superhero out there who has the same powers as you—that is, they’re the good version of you, or if he or she has the opposite powers as you, then they’re pretty much tailor-made for you, dogg. Speaking of dogs, it’s also neat if you can find a hero with whom you can recreate natural enmities. So if you’re The Rott-Wilder, then you should seek out Tabby Terrific, like, now.

  • Avoid those who would neutralize you

  We know that you want to find your thematic adversary, but it’s just plain stupid to go toe-to-toe with superheroes who basically cancel you out. Like, if your powers are based solely on getting people to believe the things you say are true, then you’re probably not going want to have any battles with Mr. Existential. And don’t get me started talking about the time The Volt tussled with Hydrant Man. There was steam and squirrel carcasses everywhere.

  • Think long and hard about taking on a team Superheroes team up way more than villains do, and some of them only come as a combo package.

  Pros: Variety. The possibility that they’ll get into an argument with each other and you won’t even hav
e to do anything. Members are considerably more disposable.

  Cons: Punching from six or seven rather than one. Banter. Severe henchman loss.

  • Match your aptitude

  If you’re an incredibly powerful monarch seeking to assume control over entire continents or planets, then you may want to aim higher than an aging acrobat with no superpowers and a biting wit. Likewise, it may be a good idea for you not to take on nigh-omnipotent, invulnerable types if you’re an embezzler who lifts weights sometimes.

  • Personal is better

  Think back over the course of your life. At any point, did you do anything that may have created a superhero? Or did a superhero do anything that might have caused you to go into villainy? If so, find them, have a little reunion, then beat the shit out of each other.

  Chapter 5

  Rhetoric*

  I can’t stress this enough. Talk constantly.

  * Chapter 5 is sponsored by RAY GUNN’S SIZZLIN’ STEAKHOUSE, “We are not officially affiliated with supervillains or ray guns, despite the unfortunate name of our owner.”

  As I have so powerfully demonstrated in the four chapters leading up to this one (and will continue to demonstrate until the day I become some kind of man-god who is no longer restrained by the shackles of language), is that sometimes, the word can be your deadliest weapon, my dear evil reader. Ah, but the question lies as how best (worst) to sharpen that acid tongue? How can you utilize the power of the larynx to decimate the ever-growing legions of goodness and light with precision, mastery, and the maximum amount of destructive force?