Learning to Let Go

by Cynthia P. O'Neill

  Another set of footsteps entered. “Her vitals are improving,” a soft female voice said. “I’ll be giving her a shot of some lighter pain medication to help with any discomfort.”

  I felt the coolness of medication enter the IV. The soft sheets that were against my skin were pulled back and my legs parted again.

  “All of her wounds seem to be healing nicely,” the voice continued and I felt a gentle touch of cream being worked into the damaged areas. There was a little sting, but it soothed within seconds. “I’ll be back to check on her in an hour.”

  “Thank you, Lynne,” Grace and Garrett replied in unison.

  Darkness surrounded me again and I felt myself fall into a lighter slumber. I don’t know how long I was out, or when I started to come around from the grogginess. I could tell that the room was darker than before and could almost see a soft glow to the left side of me. Soft snores were coming from somewhere nearby.

  My body felt lighter than it had during previous awakenings. I tried opening my eyelids to see if I could work even one small area of my body. To my surprise, they started to open and I could see that the snores came from Garrett, who had a chair pulled up and was resting his arms and head on the bed near my hand.

  I looked around the room and realized that I was in a hospital bed in someone’s house, not an actual hospital. The walls were painted a light tan and the floor had a decorative rug over stone tile. The windows were dark, so it must be nighttime. I glanced over to see a bathroom across the way and the slight glow of a light coming from beside me on the nightstand.

  I moved my lips, which, to my surprise, felt smooth. Someone must’ve been putting balm on them to keep them moist. I looked down to see my arms cozy in some kind of blue nightshirt, with comfortable gold sheets and a blue afghan covering me from the waist down. I tried moving my legs but instantly felt some discomfort, like they’d lost a battle with a cat’s claws. I focused, instead, on my hands and arms. As soon as my left hand, the one near his head, shifted, his eyes popped open and he looked up at me.

  “Oh, thank God, Laurel.” He sighed. “You’re back.” His face was etched with worry lines and his eyes threatened to spill over with tears, one actually managing to escape and trickle down the side of his face. “I’ve been waiting to see those sparkling hazel eyes of yours.” He instantly reached for my hand and began to kiss it, placing it against the stubble of his face. “I’m so sorry for everything. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you, how much I want to make things right between us again…” Before he could say anything further, Grace came bounding through the doors.

  “You’re back, sweetie! Do you know how worried you’ve had us?” Grace’s voice was a cross between elation and admonishment. She wrapped her arms around me gently and gave me a careful hug. “I’m glad you’re awake. Your parents called today and asked for you to call them back as soon as you get the chance. Donny has been giving me heck almost every day now and is about ready to hop a plane down here if you don’t talk with him soon.”

  I could feel my brows furrow. “Why is he so upset? Chase just attacked me yesterday.”

  I watched as Garrett and Grace exchanged a look. Garrett got up and sat on the side of the bed, while holding my hand between both of his.

  “Laurel, you’ve been unconscious for five days now. My dad felt we should call your family and tell them what happened; however, Grace and I disagreed.”

  I could feel myself tense and my heart rate increase when he mentioned calling my family. Oh, thank God they didn’t know. I couldn’t talk with them, not yet. In the past, I tried mentioning Chase, to let them know what happened, but they took over the conversation, telling me what a great catch he was and how I should consider dating someone like him. That would never happen!

  “I lost your trust once,” he continued, “I’m not about to violate it again by revealing your secret. Grace and I decided to hold off on telling anyone in hopes that you would come around soon. You can ignore what happened and continue about life or you can tell your family. We’ll support you in whatever your decision is.”

  Grace held my other hand. “We didn’t want to intrude on your privacy,” she explained. “I know you don’t have the best relationship with your mom and dad, but I think you should come clean to your family soon, at least with Donny, since Chase is still on the loose.”

  I started to hyperventilate when Grace mentioned Chase’s name, my breaths coming short and quick.

  Garrett quickly grabbed my face with both hands. “Look at me, Laurel.” His voice held authority, causing me to quickly glance at his eyes. “Focus on breathing in and out slowly. I won’t let anyone ever harm you again.”

  I followed his orders, taking a breath in when he did and holding it, then expelling it in time with him. My breathing finally slowed as Grace introduced me to Dr. Givens and his nurse, Lynne.

  “How are you feeling, Laurel?” Dr. Givens asked. He was a tall, friendly-looking man, with silver hair and gentle blue eyes; a completely reassuring presence. “Do you have any discomfort or pain anywhere?”

  I thought about it a second before speaking. “I feel stiff and sore, but nothing a couple of ibuprofen couldn’t fix. I’m really thirsty, too. But most importantly, I really have to pee.”

  “Since you were comatose, we had to insert a catheter. We’ll take it out shortly and get you up out of the bed to try and get some strength back into your system. Let me take a quick look at your eyes and see how your concussion is doing.”

  He flashed a pen light in my eyes and I tried my hardest to focus.

  “Your pupils are responding to the light stimulus, so that’s good. Now let’s check your reflexes and strength in your limbs.”

  Dr. Givens proceeded to check different areas on my arms and legs with the rubber hammer and then asked me to push down with my legs and squeeze his hand with mine to assess my strength.

  “Your body is weak, but stronger than most,” he assessed with a smile, “thanks to Garrett.”

  I looked back and forth between Garrett and the doctor with a perplexed look on my face.

  “I guess I should explain,” Dr. Givens admitted. “While you’ve been unconscious, he’s been moving your legs and arms with some gentle exercises to keep your limbs flexible and strong.”

  “I’ve read about that,” I admitted, before looking over to Garrett. “You did that for me?” I knew he cared for me, but didn’t realize he would go to such extremes. My heart was warmed by the thoughtfulness and care he had given me. Maybe I did mean more to him than I thought.

  “You should know by now that I would do anything for you.” He tried to lean in to give me a kiss on the cheek.

  I wanted to feel his lips on mine, but somehow my instincts deflected the move, turning my head to the side. Where did that come from? “I’m sorry. My head decided to turn on its own. I have no idea why.”

  “You’ve been through so much, so it’s only natural that you would be a bit defensive. I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you.” His voice sounded defeated and his eyes were pained; it was obvious that I had hurt him.

  Garrett and Grace left the room so the nurse could take care of removing the catheter and IV while the doctor explained all the injuries I’d sustained. My thoughts were right on about my legs—they looked like they had been in a cat fight. I remember falling into the glass when Chase grabbed hold of my ankle and pulled me down. I was shocked at how much damage he had managed to inflict on my body. I guess during the attack, my adrenaline was peaked in survival mode that I didn’t feel all the harm being done.

  “Lynne will get you some water and if you can manage to keep it and some crushed ice down, then we can try some other liquids and move onto solid foods,” Dr. Givens explained. “You’re a tough cookie, Laurel.”

  Garrett and Grace returned with Jonathan just as Lynne went to get me something to drink. My mouth was already starting to salivate over the thought of ice cold water.

  “Would you like to try and
stand and use the bathroom?” Dr. Givens asked.

  I nodded. The removal of the catheter didn’t relieve the pressure on my bladder and I still had an urgent need to relieve myself. The doc helped me move into a sitting position, which made me lightheaded.

  “Let your body adjust to being upright,” he said, “then we’ll swing your legs over the side and sit for a moment longer so you can get your bearings.”

  “It’s nice to see you awake, Laurel. You had all of us worried,” Jonathan said with a welcoming smile. He tried to come up and give me a gentle pat on my arm and I flinched.

  Jonathan looked shocked by my movement and I was quick to apologize. What the hell is wrong with me? Jonathan and I are friends.

  He shook his head and took a step back. “Don’t be. You’ve been through so much; you’re bound to be a little jumpy for a while.”

  “It’s your body’s natural defense, given what happened,” the doctor concurred. “You aren’t consciously doing this, it’s really subconscious. It’s not about anyone’s feelings, it’s just a reflex of your mind. If this continues, I would like to recommend you speak to a therapist.”

  “I’ll be fine!” I yelled. Where did that come from? That’s not like me.

  I started to cry and Garrett stepped forward cautiously, hands in the air, showing me that he wasn’t intent on hurting me. His face was filled with sorrow and his movements were slow and paced until he found himself sitting beside me on the bed. His arm gently wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest, where the waterworks flowed freely. “No one is judging you, darling. You’ve had a traumatic experience and it just takes time to heal.”

  I could feel his lips press gently onto my forehead, which felt heavenly against my skin. I took the opportunity to smell the vanilla muskiness of his scent and my head started spinning, remembering delicious and naughty memories of us together.

  After several minutes, he swept me up into his arms and walked me over to the en-suite bathroom. The doctor insisted I try moving on my own, but Garrett wouldn’t listen to anything he said.

  “She’s weak and emotional and needs to use the bathroom. She can try walking on her own next time.” His tone with the doctor was curt, but he continued to whisper soft words of encouragement to me.

  He walked into the bathroom, turning the light on low and closing the door with his foot. I thought he would let me stand up on my own to walk the couple of steps to the toilet, but he carried me all the way over before sitting me down. He took a few steps back when he saw I was balanced enough to sit.

  My bladder was killing me, but try as I might, I couldn’t go with him watching. “Could you either leave for a few minutes or turn around so I can go?” I felt a flush of embarrassment color my face.

  He squinted at me and his lips pressed into a hard line, but he finally turned around. “I’m not leaving you alone. I made a promise to you that you would never leave my sight again and I meant it.”

  “Fine,” I replied shortly. I wasn’t happy with his response, but I didn’t want to argue, my head was beginning to throb too much.

  Chase must have really done a number on me, because trying to pee burned like hell. I pushed to finish quickly because it stung like crazy. I tried to stand on my own, but Garrett was careful to gather me up in his arms and take me over to the sink to wash my hands.

  “Could I brush my teeth while I’m here?” I asked.

  He nodded, setting me down in the chair at the vanity and grabbing my toothbrush, toothpaste and a cup of water. I looked up into the mirror and saw my reflection for the first time. That was a mistake. My shoulders started to shake as the tears raced down my face. This can’t be me. For five days out, I was still covered in cuts and bruises. I reached for a spot on my head that had a small bandage.

  “Dad had to stitch there,” Garrett supplied. “I’m guessing Chase pushed you into something?”

  I nodded and touched the spot lightly, wincing at how sore it was. What were most surprising were the fading bruises around my neck. I knew he had threatened to cut off my air supply and vaguely remembered him demonstrating it, but didn’t realize how forcefully he was gripping. Tears continued running down my face at the sight of everything.

  Garrett gently rubbed my back and stooped down, catching eyes in the mirror. He leaned into the side of my face, his mouth only inches from my ear. “You’re still the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on, Laurel. You’ll heal and be back to normal in no time. Why don’t you focus on your teeth and getting some more rest?”

  I knew he was trying to reassure me and draw my attention back to the task at hand, but that was okay. I didn’t really want to look at that broken girl anymore anyway. He kept placing gentle kisses on my forehead as I made quick work of my teeth and tried to run a brush through my hair to make it presentable. When I was through, he put everything back and carried me back to the bedroom.

  Lynne was waiting with a cup of crushed ice, water, and a couple of ibuprofen. I never knew I could be so happy over the sight of water and some anti-inflammatories. “Deidre’s preparing some chicken broth and Jell-O for you, if you can keep the water and ice down.”

  “Thank you.” I grabbed hold of the water cup with my shaky hands and took a tentative sip.

  Garrett offered to hold the cup for me, but I wanted to show everyone that I could do things on my own. Actually, I needed to prove to myself that I could still be independent and not succumb to the “victim” status that Chase loved to inflict on me.

  “Could I have a moment alone with Grace, please?” I asked loudly so everyone could hear me.

  Garrett sighed heavily, but followed everyone out. “I don’t like the idea of you being out of my sight, but I’ll be right outside the door.”

  I see he’s already back to being Mister in Control. I wouldn’t expect him to be any other way.

  When we were alone, I realized I had no clue what time it was. “What time is it?”

  Grace showed me the cordless alarm clock on the bedside table next to me. “It’s one in the morning. Jonathan and I were about to get ready for bed when we heard Garrett yell that you were awake. Why?”

  “I don’t want to talk to my parents yet, but I wanted to call Donny, let him hear my voice so he would back off of you. I heard you both talking about him being insistent with the calls lately.” My hand started to shake more, so Grace came over and took the cup from my hands before I fell to pieces.

  “Shh.” She wrapped her arms around me and gently rubbed my back with her hand. “No need to try and do everything at once. It’s late and you need to gather your thoughts and emotions before you call him. You know he’ll be able to pick up on anything in your voice and know instantly that something’s wrong.”

  I hung my head and hastily brushed my tears away. “I hate to admit it, but you’re right. I guess I should wait until sometime tomorrow or the next day.” Wait—Grace had said that “they” were getting ready for bed. “Is something going on with you and Jonathan?”

  Her face light up like a kid on Christmas morning. “Oh, Laurel!” she exclaimed, beaming like a dreamy adolescent. “He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of and then some. We really hit it off on our date, then Dillon came to tell us that you’d been hurt and he was there for Garrett and me.” She went on and on about how Garrett insisted she leave the apartment for her safety while Chase was on the loose and how Jonathan offered up his place to stay. “After a couple days, we couldn’t fight the feelings we had for one another and decided to take things to the next level.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, as a smile crept across her face, indicating exactly what she meant by “the next level.”

  “I’m so happy for you!” I cried, the loudness of my voice surprising me. I truly was. Grace had been through a lot of heartache and had her own bad experiences with men. She needed someone warm and caring like Jonathan. “I’m glad Garrett had the foresight to keep you from the apartment, too,” I continued. “Chase knows we’
re related and best friends. I’m sure he’d stop at nothing to try and get to me, especially now.”

  I looked over to Grace, needing to focus on something other than my own life. Forcing a smile, I asked, “So, give me all the details about you and Jonathan. Spill the beans, cuz!”

  Grace’s face broke out in a smile that stretched ear to ear. I automatically knew she was smitten. “As you know, Jonathan and I hit it off talking at his bistro that day we had lunch together. That night was like a dream come true. He was every bit the gentleman, romancing me with flowers, candy, a candlelit dinner at his place and talks of seeing a movie.” She paused as a blush lit her face. “Dinner was fabulous; he really is an amazing cook. But, we never made it out to a movie, instead opting to curl up in each other’s arms on his sofa to talk and watch one of his DVDs. I feel like I could talk to him about anything and everything, Laurel,” she gushed. “I don’t even remember what we were watching because our lips locked as soon as the movie came on. Before things went any further, we found out you’d been hurt. Dillon offered to drive me to the hospital, with Jonathan insisting on coming with us, wanting to be there for all of us.”

  I was so pleased that everything appeared to be working out for Grace. It sounded like she had found her true love, someone who could see her for the wonderful woman she is, not just as an amputee.

  “Don’t go getting that starry-eyed look on your face, Laurel.” Grace raised her hands up in a halting motion. “Jonathan and I are moving way too fast and while it feels right, it scares me. I haven’t told him anything about my past other than what happened to my hand. He knows I’m a bit jumpy and independent as hell, but he’s willing to wait for me to open up. He insists he’s going nowhere and that wherever I am is where he wants to be.”

  “How bad was the apartment messed up?” I changed the subject, though not sure I really wanted to know. “I remember the flower vase breaking on the floor, but that’s about it.”