Let Me Go (Owned Book 2)

by Gebhard, Mary Catherine

  I reached a hand down to him, not sure if I was going to push him away or keep him there. In the end, as he started moving his lips, I kept my hand nestled firmly on his skull.

  “Oh…kay.” I drew out the syllables of the word, fully seeing stars as Eli kissed me harder.

  I arched my back into him and he latched on to me. I didn’t know what he was doing but it was the best feeling in the world. Suddenly his tongue was inside me and I couldn’t think. I couldn’t process feelings. I was moving without thought, my body squirming against the hardwood. I probably looked insane but I didn’t care because Oh. My. God.

  His tongue.

  A growl escaped Eli and I felt it inside. I writhed against him, a silent scream escaping my lips. I felt his tongue slide out of me and I whimpered in protest.

  “Why did you ever leave me, Bug?” Eli gently kissed up my stomach and moved the hair away from my sweaty forehead. “Can’t you see how perfect we are together?”

  Knots formed in my stomach at his words, but he didn’t give me time to think about them. Eli grabbed me by the thighs and flipped me over. I reached for something to keep my balance: the couch cushions. I heard the telltale sign of pants being unzipped and craned my neck to see Eli buck-naked.

  “Wow,” I gasped, unable to keep quiet. He was magnificent, even more so than I remembered, if that was possible. His legs were like tree trunks, the cocoa muscles roped and coarse. In the middle of his two legs, jutting prominently, was his…it. I blinked, completely mesmerized.

  “You ready?” Eli asked, voice hoarse. Was I ready? He looked a lot bigger than I remembered. I wasn’t sure he could fit in me. Still, was I going to say no? No freakin’ way. I chewed on my lip. I hadn’t even bothered to look Eli in the eye when he’d asked me if I was ready. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the mega-python between his legs. The idea of that pushing inside me had me…well, it had me covered in goosebumps.

  Eli pressed forward, closing the gap between us. I licked my lips in anticipation. I couldn’t help moving my body toward him; it felt like the most natural thing in the world. He grabbed my ass, palming the skin between his fingers so tight I felt it would leave bruises.

  He was close to me now, but still not close enough. I could only barely feel it against my skin, like a butterfly kiss.

  “Fuck…” Eli hissed.

  “What?” I asked, my voice high in concern. What was wrong? Was I not good enough? I knew it! I knew something would be wrong—

  “You’re so goddamn sexy. I don’t know how I’ve gone this long without you, Bug. Are you ready? Please say—”

  “Yes!” I practically screamed, but my voice was so low it came out in a weird warble. I didn’t know what Eli was doing to me. I felt drunk.

  It got real quiet for a minute. A raw stillness settled over us, like some kind of fog. All I could hear was our breathing, in…and out…and in…and out. Then, when I thought I would go insane with the anticipation, I felt him.

  Eli.

  At my entrance.

  His head threatened to split me in two. My eyes bulged and my mouth parted, but no words came out.

  “I got you,” Eli whispered. He leaned over my back so that his chest was pressed against me and started palming my breasts. This time when my mouth opened a small sigh escaped. I was so caught up in the sensation of Eli touching me that I didn’t realize he was pressing farther and farther inside me—that is, until he was nearly halfway in.

  I gripped the sofa, choking on my words. “It’s too much!” I felt like he was going to split me in two. The sensation was a dichotomous mix of pleasure and pain. I couldn’t decide if I needed him to keep going or pull out. Eli decided for me.

  Eli pulled out slowly, the sensation of him overwhelming, before he thrust into me with a quick, sharp stab. I screamed in pain and ecstasy. While it hurt, it was only for a moment, and then I was in utter heaven. Suddenly I was complete. Eli was inside me, my missing puzzle piece was found.

  “More!” I had never been so demanding before, but I couldn’t help it. I needed more. I needed him inside me; I needed him as deep as he could possibly go. I pushed myself back, trying to satisfy the feeling.

  “Fuck, Gracie. You’re so tight.” Eli grabbed me by the neck, keeping me in place while he pounded into me. Just when I thought I couldn’t take any more of the feeling, the pleasure, he reached around and fingered the spot on me that caused me to see sunlight.

  “No,” I murmured, my voice hoarse from screaming. “I can’t.” I really couldn’t. I couldn’t take anymore. I was about to pass out. Eli fingered harder. I fell to the ground, unable to keep myself propped up any longer.

  “Hell yes you can. You’re comin’ Gracie. Come for me.”

  “Oh god. Oh Eli. Eli!” I yelled into the rug as Eli pounded into me and continued to finger between my folds. Eli gripped my thighs tight, his fingers bruising the flesh, and thrust deep into me. I felt his hips flush against me.

  This is it.

  Eli groaned and I felt him jerk and tighten inside me, a delicious and wholly unique feeling. I’d missed that feeling. My thighs wobbled exhausted from holding myself up but more exhausted from Eli. I was spent from all the orgasms. When he came inside me it was too much, a sensation overload. I fell all the way down, still prepared to let him do whatever he wanted with my body.

  As his twitches slowed, I felt him retreat, slowly pulling out of me, leaving me feeling hollow. His length moved against my very sensitive insides on the way out and I shivered, biting the cushion to keep from screaming out. Eli stroked my back and removed himself entirely. I could still feel him though; I felt his juices flowing out of me and…

  Blood. So much blood. Between my thighs.

  “Never again?”

  “I’m afraid…”

  I scrambled from beneath Eli, suddenly feeling suffocated on the sprawling ground. I blinked, trying to get the memory out of my head, but I couldn’t. The wetness between my thighs had relit the memory.

  “What’s wrong?” Eli asked, but I couldn’t see him. I could barely hear him over the loud rushing noise of my memory. It wouldn’t go away! I put my hands over my ears, trying to shut the thing up. Eli said something, but I couldn’t hear him. The memory was breaking in, cracking everything around me like a rock to glass.

  “Get out!” I screamed, rushing farther away from Eli. “Get out! Get out!” Eli reached for me, but I slapped his hand away. “Get the fuck out!” I swore at him. By the look on his face I could tell he was finally taking me seriously. He didn’t say another word. Silently, Eli zipped up his pants. He grabbed his shirt and was out the door in less than a minute. I watched him leave through the door, relief washing over me when it closed with a snick.

  I sat naked in the living room for at least thirty minutes after kicking Eli out. I knew I shared the place with Vera and Chad, and if they were to walk in I would be mortified, but I couldn’t move. I felt horrible for kicking Eli out. I was paralyzed with self-doubt.

  Was it a mistake? Should I have let him stay?

  My fingers itched to call him and have him come back over. He’d left his number on a torn piece of paper and now I cradled it like it was gold. I wanted us to cuddle like we were normal. But that was the thing: we weren’t normal. When I… When I… I still struggled with the word, even though I had yelled it over and over again with Eli. Though I had conquered much of the sexuality taken from me, years of sexual oppression still hid in secret places inside me, surfacing at the most random and inopportune times.

  I fisted my fingers, the nails digging deep into my palms, and focused on the pain instead of the shame. I wanted to be over this. I wanted to destroy every ounce of my rotten childhood.

  When I orgasmed with Eli. When I came—because that’s what had happened, I came to him, body and soul, without reservation—every bad memory flooded in my mind like my own personal picture show. It didn’t matter that my entire body was lit up like sparklers on the Fourth of July. The fact that pure
pleasure coursed through my bones and vibrated my marrow was unimportant. As Eli took me, he also shook me. Every memory I buried rattled loose.

  I saw the ruination of our relationship: our dead baby.

  The coursing pleasure turned to shockwaves of pain and sorrow. When he came inside me it felt like blood. I’d lost so much blood that day. Just like the blood, his come poured out of me like a broken spigot. It was too much to handle. So I kicked him out.

  I couldn’t tell him what was really happening. How could I explain without revealing my deepest shame? I had killed our baby, and as punishment, I was made barren.

  Sitting on the floor, my butt pressed against the cold hardwood floor, I felt empty. I had dreamed of this day ever since he’d left for college. I’d dreamed of us coming back together and all our problems being solved. The thing about dreams, though, is that they become distorted in reality.

  My body still burned with the aftermath of his pleasure. I had felt good, really unearthly good, for about five seconds. In those five uninterrupted seconds, everything was brilliant and easy. Then, just as quickly, it wasn’t.

  Picking up a discarded pillow, I threw it across the room. A primal scream erupted from my throat when the pillow landed indifferently on the floor.

  I always found it amazing—and slightly disturbing—how much changes with nighttime. Just looking at the ocean I could see how true that was. In the day, the ocean was a beautiful, albeit dangerous, turquoise gem. At night it was an inky void reflecting an even inkier void.

  Hours had passed since Eli’s and my combustion. Night had come. I’d since donned clothes and was now sitting on the porch, watching the inky void, wondering if it could swallow up my thoughts. I needed something to swallow up my thoughts or they were going to swallow me up.

  Slam!

  I jumped straight up at the sound of someone banging the door shut. Turning around, I saw Vera barging into the apartment.

  “I don’t know how you got this number, asshole, but don’t call again!” She pulled the phone away from her ear, looked at it for half a second, and then threw it across the living room where it landed with a thud against a wall.

  “Vera?” I asked meekly, standing up from my seat on the porch. Vera blinked a few times before looking at me, as though pulling herself out from her mind. I understood that too well.

  “Grace,” Vera said, her face changing from angry to happy slowly. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” I walked through the French doors and into the living room. “What was that?”

  “My asshole ex. Calling me.” Though Vera was talking to me, I could tell her mind was still elsewhere. I reached up and grabbed her hand, pulling her attention to me.

  “I thought you left him behind.”

  “I did.” Vera huffed, pulling her hand back and sitting on the couch. “He just can’t seem to get it through his stupid thick skull. I changed my number and everything.”

  “What does Romeo want?” I asked.

  “For me to come back.”

  “And?”

  Vera laughed at my question. “And fuck that! Leave the ocean for his stupid face? Leave you?” Vera laughed again before sinking farther into the couch. “Boys are so stupid.” I nodded at that, sensing Vera was done talking about her boy.

  A silent fog filled the room. Vera kicked her feet up on the coffee table that I’d put back into place. You could hardly tell it had ever been moved. A little scratch on the paint was visible, but only if you looked for it. I looked away from the table and started chipping away at the nail polish on my fingernails. Nail polish that Vera had loaned me. It was a light pink color with shimmers called Orgasm. Go figure.

  “Is your boy stupid?” Vera asked, snapping the silence in two.

  “How did you know he was here?” I responded, stunned.

  “Where do you think I’ve been all day?” Vera smiled, shifting her legs on the table. “I saw you lovebirds going at it and gave you the house.”

  “Why?” I honestly didn’t understand why she would do something like that. Why hadn’t she barged in and told us to quit it? “Why did you do that?”

  Vera sighed. “I can see your broken heart as clearly as if you were wearing it on your sleeve. Did he break it?”

  “No.” Eli hadn’t broken my heart. I broke it.

  “I didn’t think so. That boy doesn’t look like he’s capable of breaking hearts. I was hoping he would help mend yours.” I smiled at Vera’s kindness. She meant well, but Eli and I were far beyond repair.

  An hour later, Vera and I relaxed on the porch, watching the moon and the waves waltz.

  “It really is something,” Vera murmured. “I can see why people stay here.”

  “Have you gone swimming yet?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “Me either.” A beat passed between us.

  “We shouldn’t, right?” I looked at Vera, wondering if she was thinking the same thing.

  “It’s nighttime, no one’s out, and we have this little beach to ourselves…” Vera trailed off.

  We both stood up, toothy smiles on our face.

  “I’ll go get my swimsuit!” I exclaimed, but Vera grabbed my arm, stopping my retreat.

  “Screw that, who will see us?” Vera shimmied off her pants and took off her top. I bit at my nail, feeling scandalous. “Come on, Gracie, I bet your underwear has more coverage than your suit anyway.” She was right.

  I followed Vera’s lead and pulled off my clothes. We stood in our skivvies with only the moon to guide us, smiling like complete baboons. She took my hand and in an instant we were running down our porch and across the sand, laughing and screeching and giggling.

  The salt air whipped at my naked skin and even though we weren’t doing anything wrong, I felt scandalous. I felt free. We stopped short of the ocean, our feet on the wet, slick sand. The ocean water nipped at our toes.

  “Ready?” Vera asked.

  “What if it’s cold?” I stepped forward a bit, the water washing over the tops of my feet.

  “Then we get cold,” Vera stated simply. I smiled at her, ready to run in. When I looked over at Vera, she was removing her bra and panties.

  “What are you doing?” My eyes went wide. She didn’t answer but simply ran into the water, her naked body bronze against the night.

  “Come on!” The water covered her up to her waist and then a wave crashed against her back. She laughed as she fell into the ocean. I looked at Vera and then to her strewn garments.

  She hooted and hollered as I removed the last of my clothes. I stood there a moment, feeling wrong and right simultaneously. The moon was watching. The ocean was watching. But no one was judging, and even if they were, in that moment I didn’t care. I shook my hair and ran to join Vera, naked in the sea.

  The water was frigid. I felt the shock in my spine. Any dulled senses were immediately wakened.

  “It’s so cold!” I said over the crashing waves. Vera splashed me in response. I splashed her back. The waves crashed against our back as we laughed and splashed each other, having frivolous fun for the first time since coming to Santa Barbara. I could hear her laughter, a clattering thing that nearly matched the cracking of the waves.

  “Hey!” An authoritative voice called out in the night. Vera and I stopped splashing. As if caught red handed, we froze our movements. “Hey!” The voice called out again. “What are you girls doing out here? This is private property!”

  Vera and I glanced at one another. Private property? We seemed to ask one another. Didn’t we rent this beach with the house?

  We adjusted our eyes to see a man on the beach, dressed in some kind of security uniform and shining a light on us. I remembered with stark clarity that I was naked. I no longer felt fun or frivolous, just naked and exposed. It was Vera who spoke first.

  “We live in that building, sir!” Vera pointed to our apartment, directly in front of us and only a few feet away. The security man followed her hand.

  “You s
hould know better,” he said, his voice chastising. “Beach time ends at ten o’clock for students.”

  “We’re not students,” I whispered to Vera. Vera barely looked at me when she shrugged.

  “Let’s just listen to him,” she whispered back. “I don’t feel like dealing with security tonight. Do you?” I shook my head vehemently. The last thing I wanted to do was get arrested.

  “We’re naked!” Vera called back. I punched her in the arm. She gave me a look as if to say “what?” The guard rolled his eyes but continued down the beach. I guessed he was done with us.

  Vera and I awkwardly made our way back to the shore. The waves kept crashing against our backs and shins, trying to knock us over and pull us back to sea. Eventually, though, we got there. My underwear had been dampened by the wet sand, but I put it on anyway. The guard made me mindful of the fact that even though we felt alone, anyone could be watching.

  With towels on our heads and wrapped around our body, we sat under Vera’s sheets, trying to get warm after our swim in the ocean.

  “Don’t put your feet on me!” Vera screeched.

  “I’m just trying to get warm!” I laughed, removing my feet from her calves.

  “So am I! Keep your popsi-toes to yourself.”

  Vera had a poster above her bed with kittens cuddling that kept my mind peaceful and occupied while I warmed up. I wondered if it did the same for her. After minutes of comfortable, warming silence I said her name, wondering if she had fallen asleep.

  “Hmm?” Vera responded.

  “Remember that thing you said I could ask you about?”

  “Gonna have to refresh my mind,” Vera said in between yawns. “There’s lots of things that I am oh-so-knowledgeable about.”

  I laughed, but it was short lived. The question I had was hard for me to ask. “I’ve been thinking about it for awhile.”

  “Mmm…” Vera murmured.

  All right, here goes nothing. “How do you touch yourself?” A beat longer than a minute passed, so I spoke again. “Vera?”