Let Me Go (Owned Book 2)

by Gebhard, Mary Catherine

  “I’m thinkin’.” Vera turned on her side, arm on her head, and looked at me intensely. She reminded me of when Mama tried to teach me numbers. I had a hard time with numbers. “Okay,” Vera said. “There’s a couple of ways you can do this, but I’m assuming you don’t want to use any toys.”

  “Toys?” I squeaked. “Like dolls?”

  Vera shook her head seriously. “No, like things to help you feel good. Some vibrate, some you just stick—”

  I cut her off. “No, no I don’t want to use toys.”

  Vera nodded. “So what you gotta rely on then is your mind. Your fingers are gonna do some work, but it’s mostly your mind, like when you have your good dreams.” I gulped. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

  Vera touched my shoulder kindly. “Gracie, it seems scary, but it’s supposed to be fun, so do what makes you comfortable.”

  I made a sound between a groan and a sigh. “It all makes me uncomfortable.”

  “Well, what makes you comfortable?”

  Eli. His face popped up unbidden.

  “Aha!” Vera pointed at me excitedly. “See there’s something in there that makes you feel right and good and whole, and that’s what you got to focus on.” Vera lowered her hand and started to explain. At first it was overwhelming, listening to her be so blunt about what I felt was forbidden and taboo. Vera had an easy quality about her, though, a way of making you forget yourself. Soon I relaxed into the sheets and listened as Vera told me the details of how to touch myself.

  It was nearly three in the morning, but I was wired. After Vera had given me a crash course in self-pleasure, we’d spent a few more minutes talking but it was obvious she was fading. Her eyelids were drooping and she was yawning every other sentence. I hugged her goodnight and went to my room.

  Now I sat cross-legged, staring at various objects in my room. Everything Vera and I had talked about was fresh in my mind, as was Eli. I wanted to do it. I wanted to touch myself. My fingers rested on my thigh, but I just couldn’t get them to move.

  I picked up my phone, my renegade mind spurring me on. Feeling like I was detached from my body, like some other force was willing me to do it, I dialed the number.

  “Hello?” Eli’s tired voice answered on the last ring. I felt badly as I’d probably woken him up. I nearly hung up, the voice in my head saying to let him sleep. I pushed forward.

  “Eli?” I croaked.

  “Grace?” His previously tired voice sounded so much more awake. My heart pounded like a drumbeat. “Gracie is something wrong?”

  You’re not here, for starters. “I’m thinking of you,” I whispered. I felt wanton and lascivious, only moments ago thinking about touching myself to the thought of him. I was naked in my bed with his voice in my ear.

  “You are?” he asked suspiciously.

  “I’m naked,” I whispered.

  “You are?” Eli repeated, but now his voice sounded low and dark, like he’d swallowed marbles.

  Seconds passed before I said, “I wish you were here.”

  “Gracie,” Eli said, urgency lacing his voice. “I could be there in a heartbeat, just say the words.”

  A fire burned in my gut. I wanted Eli with me. I wanted him in my bed, kissing me, holding me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I craved his touch and smell. More than anything, I needed him. It wasn’t fair to him, because I was broken. It would be like sellin’ him a broken horse and pretending it ran. I was never gonna run again and he needed someone that could. I should have hung up, let him be, and cut the frayed cord I’d been holdin’ on to. God help me, I couldn’t hang up.

  “What would you do if you were here?” I murmured into the phone.

  “I’d kiss those soft, full lips of yours,” Eli responded instantly.

  My fingers lowered between my thighs. “And?”

  “And I’d kiss that soft, full pussy of yours.” His words startled and excited me. I breathed deeply as I inserted a finger inside myself, feeling forbidden.

  “Tell me Grace,” Eli groaned into the phone. “Tell me what you’re doin’.”

  “I’m…” I felt the finger inside me. It felt so good, but it felt like a secret. You weren’t supposed to tell secrets.

  “Tell me, Grace,” Eli growled. “Where?”

  “Uh…” I stalled, finger still inside.

  “Are you touchin’ that perfect pussy of yours?”

  “Yes,” I gasped. Eli groaned. It was a long minute before anyone said anything, our breathing the only sound on the line. It was perfect. I felt like my insides had been caramelized.

  “Tell me, Grace,” Eli whispered. “Tell me where you’re touchin’ yourself.”

  I was breathing so hard I could barely speak. “You know.”

  “I want to hear you say it.” Eli’s voice was deep and demanding, sending shivers along my skin. I bit my lip so hard I was sure I bruised it. It was another excruciatingly long minute before I said anything, but Eli waited. I heard him waiting. I could hear his breathing. I could hear the tension as deeply as I felt it.

  “My pussy.”

  Eli groaned in unison with me. I was climbing so high, higher than I’d ever been. I could see the world beyond the stars. My breath was hitched and staccato. Maybe I would pass out, maybe I would die, but it wouldn’t be a perfect death. The one thing missing was Eli.

  I called out his name just as I reached the peak, my eyes closed, seeing white and black and nothing and everything at the same time. My body felt like rubber, used and stretched hard. I lay against my sheets, feeling contentment and happiness.

  I didn’t feel wrong. I didn’t feel bad. I felt…good, with none of the shame that usually accompanied the feeling. It was so freeing. I felt like a bird finally released from a cage. I was seeing the world. After staring at the sky for so long, I’d finally flown up to meet it.

  “Goddamn you’re perfect. I love you, Gracie.”

  And just like that my wings stopped working. I fell from the sky and hit the ground hard.

  “I…” I grasped the phone so tight to my head my knuckles whitened. “I can’t, Eli.” I hung up and threw my phone across the room so I wouldn’t have to see how many times Eli called back. Shame washed over me again, but it was of a different kind. I guessed that meant I was evolving.

  ONE YEAR BEFORE

  I sat under our sugar maple tree, the green leaves blowing in the warm spring air. The bark was hard against my back and I could smell fresh flowers in the air. The pollen exacerbated my allergies, but I really didn’t mind. It was a small price to pay for all the beauty blossoming around me.

  “Bug, look! Look!”

  I perked my head up to see Eli running toward me, an envelope in his hand. I stood up from my seat against our tree in Mrs. Nelson’s yard, smiling. Eli was running so fast his limbs were almost akimbo. He had a white toothy smile on his face that stood in contrast against his dark skin. He looked so joyous and so beautiful.

  This was our spot. It had been our spot for almost seven years. Our little Eden in this dreary and dismal backwards town. I couldn’t think of a better spot for me and Eli to meet when he gave me his good news—and it was going to be good news, I knew it was. Eli was brilliant. Not just on test scores (because he was a great test taker) but in his heart. He was genuine and goodhearted. People like him only came around once in a lifetime.

  “What does it say?” I asked, taking the envelope from him when he reached me. He wheezed slightly, his asthma betraying him despite his good musculature. He waved at me, reaching for his inhaler, signaling me to read it for myself.

  I tore at the edges of the envelope. “You haven’t read it yet?” He shook his head. My eyes widened as I now took care of the flimsy paper envelope. The small, rectangular package contained Eli’s hopes and dreams. It contained his future. I wasn’t just going to—

  “Open it!” Eli demanded, smiling at me.

  I grinned and tore open the contents. I reached for the letter, the regal looking Georg
ia State University embossing at the top feeling odd against my fingers.

  “Well what does it say?” Eli asked.

  “Dear Elijah, Congratulations!” Eli whistled and I continued, despite his dancing. “On behalf of Georgia State University we… blah, blah, blah,” I skimmed over the boring stuff, looking for the meat. Bingo. “Pre-Law! Eli, you’re pre-law!” I emphasized “pre” and “law.” Eli had been talking about being a public defender ever since reading To Kill a Mockingbird. I could have cried, I was so happy for him.

  Eli sat down against our tree and I followed suit.

  “I can’t believe this is happening,” he said, shaking his head.

  I handed him the letter. “Believe it.”

  We sat against the tree. I watched the clouds pass and reform against the cornflower blue sky while he read and re-read his letter.

  “Full ride too.”

  “Hmm?” I asked, looking away from the sky and to Eli.

  “They’re going to pay for everything,” he explained.

  “Are you serious?” My eyes widened at the news. “For how long?”

  “For the full four years, as long as I keep my grades up.”

  I hugged him. “That’s amazing, Eli. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.” I pulled back, but kept my arm linked with his. Looking up at the sky, I wondered if dreams really did come true.

  It was late Saturday afternoon, nearing the end of the week that Eli had gotten his acceptance letter to college. We’d celebrated all week, as much as I could get away from the house. Now we sat in one of the only parks our town had. The “playground” was rusted and more dangerous than it was worth. The grass was dead and dry like the rest of the town. Still, hundreds of dandelions grew in the old dilapidated park. People called them weeds, but I thought they were too pretty to be weeds.

  Ever since I’d hit puberty, Daddy had feared for my soul. The older I got, the more likely I was to stray from the righteous path. Daddy spent more time keeping me locked up than he spent praying. Now that I was older, Daddy was even more strict, but now that I was older, I could handle the beatings better. I’d get beat when I got home, but it was worth it. It was worth it to spend as much time with Eli as I could before he left for college in the fall. Earlier in the week we’d gone out for ice cream, seen a movie, and even made love.

  I used to fear Daddy could tell when I sinned, because he told me specifically that he could smell the sin on me. I knew better now, because Eli had shown me better. It still felt wrong to eat ice cream and it still felt wrong to see a movie, though. It never felt wrong to make love with Eli.

  It was Saturday now, but Eli wasn’t acting himself. He’d been quiet all day. I’d bent over to pick a few dandelions when he said, “I’m not going to college.”

  I laughed and stood up. I blew dandelion wisps at his face as I spoke. “What are you talking about?”

  Eli shrugged, standing up off of the rusty merry-go-round he’d been sitting on. “I decided I’m not going to college.” I lowered the dandelions, still clasping their rubbery stems in my hand.

  “What are you talking about?” I repeated, frowning.

  Eli turned from me, kicking the rusted merry-go-round. “It’s just too complicated with you.”

  “Eli, I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him. “I’ll be here when you finish. Stop being dumb.”

  “And Zero.”

  The dandelions fell from my grasp. I felt like a gong had sounded in my belly. Zero. The few times I’d met him had been far from pleasant. Zero was like a fungus growing on our town. Sure our town hadn’t been that great to begin with—it had my daddy, for instance, and roots of racism that went deeper than the Civil War, but Zero was the real problem. Zero was like the stop sign that ended all progress, so of course Zero was the reason Eli wasn’t going to college.

  “What about Zero?” I asked, anger brimming my tongue.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” Eli walked away from the merry-go-round, kicking up with such force the thing started to spin again. I wasn’t going to take it. I followed him through the park, dry grass crunching beneath our soles.

  “You can’t do that, Eli Jackson. You can’t drop a bomb like that on me and just walk away,” I yelled after him.

  “Stop pressin’ Gracie,” Eli growled, not turning to look at me.

  “What’s Zero got to do with you going to college?” I yelled, fuming.

  Eli spun around. “You wouldn’t understand!”

  I put my hands on my hips. “So make me.”

  “I owe him. You can’t leave when you owe money to a man like Zero.”

  “How much do you owe him?” I demanded.

  “Does it matter?” Eli asked, bitterness seeping off his tongue.

  I shrugged. “Maybe I can help pay it off.”

  All the bitterness in Eli dissipated. He smiled, stepping toward me. “Gracie, you got a heart bigger than your head, sometimes.”

  I shook Eli off. “Don’t you patronize me, Eli Jackson. I want to help.”

  “I know you do. But you can’t. This is my problem. I shoulda listened to you when you told me he was no good.”

  “So what? That’s it? You’re just gonna stay here and throw away everything?” I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I looked at him, disbelief radiating from my pores. He wasn’t just accepted to college, they were going to pay for everything. He had a chance to get out and make something of himself. There was no way I was gonna stand by and let him throw that away.

  “Not everything,” Eli smiled. “I got you still.”

  Eli pulled me into a hug before I could respond. Me? He’s got me? He coulda had the world. He coulda gone to college and been a lawyer, fulfilled his dream. Me? That’s it?

  That wasn’t enough.

  That wasn’t what he was owed.

  It was nine at night. I’d left Eli four hours before, saying I was going home. That would have been the smart thing to do. No doubt Daddy was sitting in his chair, waiting for me to come home, leather belt in hand, fury on his mind. The picture of him was so familiar it was basically burned in my brain. The longer I didn’t go home, the harsher my punishment would be.

  Still, I had to do this. For Eli.

  I rapped on the rusty tin door. When there was no response, I rapped again. If I’d known better, I’d have left, but we’ve already established I didn’t know better.

  Zero stumbled to the door wearing nothing but boxers. I wanted to look away, feeling heat creep up to my cheeks. I wasn’t attracted to him—I’d sooner kiss a poisonous lizard—I just felt uncomfortable being so close to a nearly-naked man that wasn’t Eli.

  Seeing that it was me, Zero leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms. Zero had muscles, but not like Eli. Zero’s body looked like it was always about to molt. His skin was tight across his body, his muscles bulging in a sickly way, his ribs poking out. His head was shaved so close to his skin he looked bald. He reminded me of a snake.

  “Well, well…” Zero sneered. “What’s little Gracie Wall doing at my door?”

  I willed myself to be strong. I had to be strong. For Eli. “It’s about Eli.”

  Zero grinned. “Our boy’s going to college, I hear.”

  I shifted on my feet, unsure how to broach the subject. “Is he?”

  The grin on Zero’s face faded and was replaced with a hollow glare, his eyes dark. “You’re meddlin’ in things you shouldn’t be. Better leave now.”

  “Leave him alone, Zero.” My voice shook a little, but I refused to back down.

  “Or what?” Zero laughed darkly. “You’ll pray at me?”

  “Can’t we come to some kinda deal?” I was terrified. You didn’t become a man like Zero without compromising a few morals and destroying a few lives. In my mind I thought if I stuck to my plan, nothing could go wrong. There I was, at the devil’s door, literally looking to bargain; the truth was, everything could go wrong.

  The glare Zero had been sporting disappeared and he smil
ed at me. I started to think Zero was one of those masks with two faces. Eli had shown me one when we’d gone to a play at the community theatre. One side of the mask was happy and the other was sad. It was kind of grotesque looking.

  Zero stepped toward me and instinctively I stepped back. He reached out and grabbed the spaghetti strap of my sundress, pulling it toward him.

  “A deal?” He laughed. “I can only think of one thing I’d want from you, and it’s not worth what he owes.” He dropped the strap, laughing when I hurriedly pulled it up my shoulder. I felt sick, bile rising up my throat. I never wore spaghetti straps. Daddy said showing shoulders was something whores did. I’d rebelled and look what that got me.

  Closing my eyes tight, trying not to cry, I pushed forward.

  “How much does he owe?” I had always told Eli that Zero was no good, but he’d been so young when Zero promised him the world. He’d promised him a life better than his home, a life better than our town. Zero had promised him freedom. I didn’t blame him for wanting all that. Eli had promised me the same things, and I got so lucky he’d delivered on his promise.

  “Twenty grand.”

  I nearly coughed. Twenty grand? How on earth had Eli racked up such a debt? I had half a mind to argue that Zero was lying, but even if Zero was lying (which he probably was), what good would that do? Zero had proof that Eli was doing illegal stuff. Eli would never be an attorney as long as Zero clung around like dirt.

  A plan started to form in my mind. It was only half there, but it was enough to get me talking.

  “What if I took Eli’s spot?” It was foolish of me to offer, but I owed Eli so much. I owed Eli my life. Without Eli, I would have withered and died in my house, a figment whose only purpose was Daddy. Eli gave me purpose. Eli gave me love. It was the least I could do.

  Zero kicked off the doorframe again, eyeing me not with lust or amusement any more, but intrigue.

  “I’ll take over his debt,” I continued. “I’ll start where he left off.”

  Zero rubbed the stubble on his chin. “It’s been about a year and a half since Eli’s done any real work for me. He was trying to go straight and shit.”