Let Me Go (Owned Book 2)

by Gebhard, Mary Catherine

  I’d thought that deep down he loved me.

  Yet he’d read from this Bible and purposely ignored the verses that told him to love.

  To love me.

  What did that mean? What did that say about me? About the world I walked in and thought I knew?

  My hands gripped the leather book. I was so caught up in my memories, in my past and in my hurt, that I didn’t realize there had been a break in the service. People were standing up and shaking hands with one another. Fear overwhelmed me as an elderly woman approached me.

  I was certain she was going to kick me out. I was dirty and smelly, having not showered in weeks. I clearly didn’t belong in that place.

  “Peace be with you.” The woman put out her hand to me.

  “I’m sorry I don’t…” I looked at her hand, confused.

  She smiled at me. “I’m offering you peace. You shake my hand and say ‘and also with you’. If you want to offer me peace, that is.”

  She wanted to shake my hand? My obviously dirty, smelly hand? I put out my hand, dumbstruck. “And also with you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. The woman smiled and continued along her way.

  After staying for the service, I decided to spend the night. The church often hosted people and families who were down on their luck, so they even had showers and a kitchen. I woke up the next morning before their alarms and made the bed. I wanted to leave no trace of me behind.

  Next, I showered in their facilities. Hot water poured over me. It was sublime. I hadn’t had a hot shower since leaving Georgia. The dirt washed off me and swirled into the drain. Tears streamed from my face with the hot water, undetectable save for the salty taste in my mouth.

  It was hard to accept that I’d become this person: dirty and homeless and relying on others’ charity. When I was finished I dried off with the towel provided to me and changed into the spare clothes I packed in my backpack. I wanted to stay for another service, but I was on a mission. The pastor had asked if my path had changed and before I hadn’t been sure. Now I was.

  I quickly wrote a thank you note for their hospitality and left out the front door. It was dark outside, the sun still below the mountains, but that didn’t matter. My path was still the same.

  I was getting to California.

  “Pull over.”

  “What?” Eli quickly glanced at me before returning his attention to the road.

  “Just pull the truck over.” Eli screeched to a halt on the side of the highway. A few cars honked, but I didn’t care. I needed to get out of the truck. Suddenly it was all too much. Walking around with Eli I’d been able to act like everything was fine. For a moment, my memories had left me. For a moment, I’d been able to pretend that we were normal.

  We weren’t normal.

  I wasn’t fine.

  Memories were boiling over like a pot left on the stove for too long.

  I slammed the car door behind me and climbed up the highway guardrail. Sitting on the cold metal, I stared out at the ocean. Something about the black depths calmed me.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Eli demanded, his voice a harsh wind behind me.

  “I’m watching the ocean,” I replied.

  “And you just had to do that right now?” Eli climbed over the guardrail and stood in front of me, blocking my view.

  “I can’t see,” I said lamely.

  “What is wrong with you?” Eli demanded.

  “What’s wrong with me?” I replied, voice rising in anger. “You show up out of the blue and—” Eli shook his head, cutting me off.

  “Don’t fucking lie to me, Grace.” He folded his arms. Involuntarily I noticed how much his muscles had grown.

  “Don’t swear at me,” I muttered.

  Eli glared. “What is wrong with you, Grace Wall?”

  “I told you Eli Jackson. You show up—”

  “Do not lie to me. I know when you’re lyin’.” Eli stepped up to me, his shins pressed against my knees. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  I folded my arms, not impressed. “What do you want me to say? Clearly you don’t want the truth.”

  “Oh I want the truth, Grace.” Eli pressed, eyes narrowing. “Do you?”

  “What does that mean?” I really didn’t like where the conversation was heading, so I kept my eyes trained on his abdomen, refusing to meet his eyes. Wearing a tight red shirt, I could see the outline of his muscles. I sucked in a breath; maybe I’d made a mistake.

  Eli leaned over, forcing me to make eye contact. His face was so close I could kiss him. “Get in the truck.”

  “What?” I pushed his face away. “No.”

  Eli grabbed my hands and held them to my side, once again forcing me to look at him. “Get in the truck. I’m not having this conversation next to a highway.”

  What conversation? I pulled my hands from his grasp, stood up, and walked a few feet away. I glanced behind me, expecting to see Eli’s glaring face, but nothing was there. Wondering where he’d gone off to, I made my way back to the spot.

  “Eli?” I called out. “Eli? Eli—Oh!” I jumped back as he appeared like an apparition in front of me.

  “Get in the truck.” Eli pointed at the truck, as if I didn’t know where it was. “This is my final warning before I haul you into the passenger seat.”

  I glared. “You wouldn’t dare.” Raising an eyebrow as if to say Try Me, Eli tapped a foot. “No,” I stated simply. Eli sighed, grabbed my waist, and put me over his shoulder. I screamed, banging against his back.

  “Put me down this instant, Eli Jackson!”

  “I told you, Grace,” Eli said as he stepped over the guardrail like I weighed nothing. “I’m not having this conversation with you next to a highway. It’s dark and it’s not safe out here.” Eli opened the passenger door and set me down in the seat carefully, making sure not to hit my head against the metal.

  I attempted to get out again, but the look in Eli’s eyes stopped me. They were past serious, they were cold. I folded my arms in contempt. “This is ridiculous.”

  “Of course it is,” Eli said, slamming the door. He walked around and hopped into the driver’s seat. Turning on the engine he added, “We’re dealing with you, after all.”

  I stomped up the steps, not positive I was even stomping up to Eli’s place. I was so mad at him I hadn’t spoken the entire drive. When he’d stopped in front of a hotel-looking place, I’d hopped out and trampled over the grass to the door.

  “What do you think you’re doin’, Bug?” Eli called out. I looked back to see him leaning against the truck.

  “Can we just get this over with?” I huffed.

  “I’m stayin’ over there.” Eli thumbed in the opposite direction. I grumbled and followed as he led me across the street. He pulled out a key, turned the lock, and opened the door to a surprisingly nice place. I’d have expected him to stay at a motel or low-end hotel, but this was an apartment only a few blocks from the ocean.

  I knocked the errant thoughts out of my head and turned to face Eli. I wasn’t there to comment on his temporary housing, after all. I’d basically been kidnapped and forced there because Eli wanted to talk about something.

  “So?” I demanded.

  “So?” Eli repeated, smiling at me with his knee-buckling grin. I glared and looked away, catching sight of an abstract painting. “Would you like something to drink?”

  “No!” I exclaimed. “What is so important that you had to bring me here, Eli?” He ignored me and walked into the kitchen. He returned with two glasses of water. Squinting my distaste, I shook my head at his offer.

  “Stop fooling around, Eli. What do you want to talk about?”

  “You’ve been really hot and cold with me, Gracie,” Eli mused. I chewed the inside of my cheek at his statement. I may have been a bit hot and cold with him, but then he didn’t know the memories I’d buried and how they’d been resurfacing. It had been so much easier when he was a thousand miles away.

  Now he was here.
>
  And I couldn’t hide my love.

  But I also couldn’t hide my shame.

  “I think I know why,” Eli continued. I folded my arms for protection. There wasn’t a chance in heck Eli knew why I was being so hot and cold, but I still wasn’t relishing the conversation. Everything would go back to normal the minute he went back to Georgia. I just had to hold strong until then.

  “Maybe you should take a seat,” Eli offered.

  “I’m just fine standing, thank you,” I replied.

  Eli shrugged. “Suit yourself.” Eli took a swig of his water before continuing. “Well, Bug, I know.”

  “You know?” I unfolded my arms, sick of the game. “What do you know?” I just wanted to go back to Vic and Lennox’s. I still had to figure out if I had a place to stay with them, or if I was back to being homeless.

  “I know about the baby.”

  That sentence sent my entire world crashing down.

  “You know?” The words barely came out. The revelation floored me. The world spun around me. I felt hot and cold. He knew? I stumbled back and Eli reached to grab me, but I fell. I fell to the floor, the hardwood breaking my fall. I let the pain clear my thoughts.

  He knew.

  I ran my hand through my hair, clutching the dark brown locks. What had happened was supposed to be my shame to bear. The idea that Eli knew what I’d had and what I’d lost was…

  I couldn’t breathe.

  “The letter that brought me here, your mama sent it.”

  What is he saying? I was in my own little world, reliving that night and the aftermath. The doctors. Daddy's subsequent death. Had he said that Mama sent him the letter? I looked up at him.

  It was too much information for one person to process. I needed a second person to take some of the words flying at me.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I stared at my shadowy reflection in the shiny hardwood as it began to blur from my tears.

  “I’ll admit I was mad at first, when I received the letter. Not at you, but at everything. I was mad, Grace. I wish you’d’a let me know. I wanted you to tell me on your own. I didn’t want it to be like this. I was pushing you to tell me, to trust me. But you’re so stubborn, Bug.”

  I hugged my knees to my chest, still on the floor. This couldn’t be happening. I wanted to put my fingers in my ears and say, “La, la, la.” Then maybe it would all go away.

  “Then at your brother’s,” Eli continued. “You told me about Zero. I had no idea. I wasn’t expecting that. I just…I freaked out. I felt so bad. I’m sorry Gracie. I’m sorry for what I said. It’s just… You think you can take everyone’s pain for yourself.”

  Eli bent down. He was eye level with me but I refused to meet his eyes. I felt his hands as if in the periphery, not really in my own body. He was lifting me up off the floor, hugging me to his body, but I couldn’t really feel him, like there was some kind of casing around my body.

  “You can’t do that, Gracie,” Eli whispered into my hair, hugging me tight. “You can’t take all the pain for yourself. You gotta leave some for the rest of us.”

  “I’m so, so sorry.” I was lost in that night, the memories overtaking me. I remembered the looks on the nurses’ faces and that feeling of emptiness in my belly. I wasn’t sure if I actually said the words out loud, but I was; I was so, so sorry. I couldn’t even look at Eli.

  I knew our love was nothing but a fairytale; because like fairytales, we didn’t exist in reality. The scars on our love were proof.

  “You didn’t lose anything, Bug,” Eli said, putting me back at arm’s length so he could look into my eyes. “Our baby was taken from you.”

  “I did,” I cried. “I lost it. It was mine to take care of but I was bad and I lost it.”

  Eli grabbed me and pulled me back to his chest. “Oh, Grace. What am I gonna do with ya?”

  I struggled against him, feeling suffocated. “Don’t you see, Eli? We’re ruined. I ruined us. We’re nothing but scars and graveyards.”

  Eli took my chin between his fingers, holding it hard enough that I had to stay but not hard enough to bruise. I was forced to look into his eyes. Forced to face us.

  “You act like having scars is a bad thing. A scar is just a healed wound. You and me have had a lot of wounds, Gracie, but we’re still standing. Wounds don’t define us. What defines us is the skin that forms over the wound, and you’ve done a damn fine job of healing, Gracie.”

  I looked away, disbelief forming on my features.

  “You don’t like what I’m sayin’?” Eli snapped, causing me to look back at him. “You don’t like that I still love you? Do you not feel lovable? Sorry, but you are. I love you. I will always love you. No matter how many cuts you get, how many times that soul of yours bleeds, I will love you.”

  Eli kissed me. It was hard and forceful, all the sweetness of his statement dissipating as we met each other like two storms in field. Eli pulled back, his lip between my teeth, and said, “You’re going to stop taking my pain. I feel everything you feel, Grace, whether you like it or not. You bleed, I bleed. You cry, I cry. Stop hiding from me.”

  Like two ships about to collide, my focus remained on Eli. Though I felt him touch me, as if every nerve responded to him, I kept my gaze pinned on only his eyes. He traced circles on my body, bit by bit lowering his hand until it rested right above my waistband. My eyes never moved from his and he kept his on mine. I pressed my forehead so hard to him that I was sure it would hurt the next day, but I didn’t care. Right then we were connected.

  “No more secrets,” Eli said, eyes pinning me. “Promise me.”

  “I promise.”

  Slowly, Eli lowered his hand underneath the fabric of my shorts and panties. My eyes widened when I felt his skin meet mine. As Eli’s hand cupped me, I bit my lip to keep from moaning.

  “Don’t do that,” Eli rasped. “Let me hear you.” Eli grabbed me with his other arm and jerked me to him. With one arm keeping me firmly in place, his other started an assault on my senses. Slowly he rubbed his hand against me until I was a whimpering mess. I needed to squirm, but Eli kept me pinned to his chest and immobile.

  I clawed, trying to get away because I was having a pleasure overload, but Eli kept me in place. Instead of lessening the torture he upped it. I moaned in simultaneous pleasure and anguish when Eli slid a finger up inside me.

  “Eli!” I yelled, writhing in his hold. I’d stopped looking at him, too overwhelmed to keep my gaze straight.

  “I want you to come all over my hand,” Eli commanded. I whimpered in response.

  “Eli… I…” As I was about to explain that I couldn’t do that, that I wasn’t even sure how to do that, Eli inserted another finger inside me. Stars obscured my vision. “Oh god I…” I lost the words as Eli’s fingers became the only thing I could think about. Their rhythm inside me seemed to vibrate through my entire body until I was nothing save sensation. With one last wail, I collapsed against his chest.

  “What are you doin’ to me Eli Jackson?” I muttered into his chest.

  “Making you come.” Eli grinned. “And you’re going to do it again.” Slowly, Eli released me from his vice-like grip and I stumbled backward, my legs wobbly from the orgasm. As I got my bearings, I noticed Eli was undressing. First he took off his shirt, baring his naked chest. Then, I watched raptly as he unbuttoned his jeans and kicked them off. I licked my lips: he was completely naked beneath his blue jeans.

  “Now you,” Eli said. “Take off your shirt.” Feeling slightly naughty as I undressed in front of him, I pulled my shirt over my head. “Now your shorts.” I did as he asked, throwing my shorts to the side, and even went one further by taking off my panties.

  “No, those are mine,” Eli growled. I shot up straight, panties still in my palm.

  “These?” I asked, unsure I’d heard him correctly.

  “Those,” Eli replied. “Bring them to me.”

  Tentatively I closed the short distance between us. His palm was out so I
placed the panties in them, and as I did, his hand closed on mine. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. I squealed in surprise and excitement.

  Eli lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. I could feel his length teasing my lips open. He kissed me hard before putting me on the bed. The instant before Eli pinned me down again I spun out from underneath him.

  “What are you doin’ Bug?” Eli asked, eyeing me curiously from his spot on the bed.

  “This.” I crawled slowly on top of him. Legs spread wide on either side of his torso, I could feel his length poking against my lower back. I leaned forward to kiss Eli and my body pressed farther against his. Our skin melded, hot and sweaty, my breasts pressing hard against his pecs. The roughness of his hair met the slickness of my thighs in a deliriously delicious dichotomy.

  Eli groaned against my lips before I pulled back. Now was the time. We’d been teasing each other much too long. I needed to feel him. I reached behind and curled his length in my hand. Then I lifted myself up and guided him to my entrance. When we joined it was like perfect symmetry.

  I fisted my hands on his chest, grasping at the skin as he moved inside me. Even though I was on top, Eli was still commanding me. His hands traveled up my back, pushing me deep into his chest and himself deeper inside me. Opening my mouth, a long, slow moan escaped.

  “I want you to come inside me, Eli,” I groaned, kissing his chest as he splayed his fingers in my hair.

  “Are you sure?” Eli’s gaze darkened, no doubt recalling the last time he’d come inside me. I hadn’t been ready then and it had stirred memories of the time I’d lost our baby—we’d lost our baby. Now was different. Eli knew the truth. He had seen my shame and declared it invalid.

  I bit my lip, nodding. “I’m sure. I’m ready and I want to share this with you.”

  Eli yanked my hair back, forcing me to look at him, and said, “First you.” Suddenly I was on my back and Eli was pushing deeper into me. In and out, Eli pounded a torturous rhythm that put me on the edge. I reached up for him but he grabbed both of my hands with one arm and pinned them behind my head. Upping the pace, he pounded harder and harder until I was crying out gibberish. When I came he stuck a finger in my mouth and I sucked on it, hard.