Let Me Go (Owned Book 2)

by Gebhard, Mary Catherine

  “She wouldn’t do that,” I insisted. “She left Zero.” Vera had made it very clear when we were roommates that she didn’t want anything to do with her old boyfriend. Now that I knew who her ex-boyfriend was, I could see why. There was no way in heck Vera would return to that creature willingly.

  Vic set the magazine down on his coffee table with an almost exaggerated air, as if I was putting him out with my questions. “I have a friend looking into it.”

  “A friend?” Lennox and I both exclaimed at the same time. I looked back quickly and saw her looking almost as shocked as I was at the way this was playing out.

  “You wouldn’t know him,” Vic said, turning his attention to Lennox. “He used to work at the company.”

  Lennox scoffed. “Hold the fucking phone. Since when do you have a friend?” Lennox pestered. “And since when can you leave the company?”

  “Can we not do this right now?” Vic said, his words barely audible through gritted teeth. “I’m tired. I’ve been up all night looking for her”—Vic gestured at me—“flaky friend.”

  “Vera is not flaky,” I said. “She was kidnapped!”

  “No we’re doing it,” Lennox retorted, ignoring me. “You told me you can’t leave the company. That there is no out. But now you have a friend”—Lennox laughed bitterly—“and he’s left the company?”

  “You want to know how Charlie left the company?” Standing up from the couch, Vic shot his words at Lennox. His words were like bullets; I wondered if Lennox would bleed. “He lost a leg and they kicked him out. So yeah, Lennox, I can fucking leave the company just as soon as I lose a limb.”

  Lennox opened her mouth to say something but closed it. In place of whatever witty, acerbic comeback she was surely thinking, she instead chose to glare.

  Vic turned to me. Instinctively I took a step back (I wasn’t wearing a bulletproof vest, after all). “He’s checking out the town of Vera’s last call. If anything’s out of the ordinary, he’ll let me now.”

  I nodded warily, nervous that Vic might blow up. For the first time since arriving I noticed Vic, I mean actually noticed him. His hair was in disarray. His eyes were bloodshot. It looked like he hadn’t slept in a week, not just the night before. I felt terrible. Instead of thanking him for his help, I’d jumped right on him, demanding answers. He was doing more than I could for Vera. I struggled to find the words to thank him; “thank you” seemed too…normal for us.

  With the palm of his hand, Vic rubbed the space between his eyes. “I have work to do.”

  “Of course you do,” Lennox snapped. I watched lamely as Vic ascended the stares, Lennox glaring after him. With Vic gone, the air felt suffocated as the tension of an unfinished argument lingered. Eli and I quickly made excuses to leave, clearly having worn out our welcome.

  “That was rough,” Eli said as we made our way down to my new apartment. Lennox had told me it was on the second floor.

  “It’s not very big,” Lennox had said as she’d led us out. “But it was my home. I’ve been reluctant to rent it out, but I’m happy to let you use it. I hope you like it as much as I did.”

  I nodded at Eli, thinking back to Lennox’s tired face as she’d shut the door behind us. Visiting Vic and Lennox was like taking a trip to Antarctica in a bikini. Frostbite was bound to happen the minute you stepped foot in the apartment. Just like frostbite, you felt the coldness between them first before you were assaulted by their fiery passion. It was very unpleasant.

  “Are they always like that?” Eli asked as the elevator doors closed.

  I tried to think back to a time when I’d seen Vic and Lennox happy. They were unlike most couples, where kissing, handholding, and general ooey-gooeyness pervaded. Still, they seemed to me like life and death; one can’t exist without the other. It isn’t pleasant, but it’s inevitable. Vic and Lennox were inevitable. Were they happy? I didn’t know. Did it matter?

  “No,” I lied. “It’s just a rough week.” Eli nodded, seemingly convinced.

  It was small, smaller than my old apartment with Vera. The walls were painted an ivory color that reminded me of fancy houses converted into museums. There was one bed, one nightstand, and a kitchen adjacent to the living room/bedroom combo. The only other room was the bathroom.

  I inspected further, noting some dents in the walls that were covered with plaster and painted a different, whiter color than the rest. The nightstand also had some missing paint and wood, as if it had been knocked down and kicked around a bit. I chewed on my lip, thinking about the broken items. Sure, every place has some wear and tear, but something must have hit those pretty hard.

  “What do you think?” Eli asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. “Can you imagine living here?”

  I nodded.

  “So you think you’ll stay here, in Santa Barbara?” He continued. “No more running?”

  I knew what he was asking. He was asking if I was ever going to come back to Georgia. Of course I wanted to be with Eli. Eli would always hold my heart and soul, but he wasn’t me. That is, he wasn’t my heart and he wasn’t my soul. I wanted to continue finding myself because if I wasn’t sure what made up my heart and soul, I could never fully give them away.

  “Eli…” I paced around my new place. “Eli I love you, but I can’t go back to Georgia.”

  “Did I ask you to?” Eli took a step toward me, stare fixed.

  “No,” I said, looking away. “Still, I know where this conversation is headed.” I’d made a lot of sacrifices for Eli. I’d nearly ended my life before it began, just so he could have his day in the sun. If I could go back in time, I would do it all over again. I knew that. I would trade places with him and sacrifice myself to Zero again. Eli deserved that much. He’d saved me and then I’d saved him.

  But now, now I wanted to stand in the sun. I wanted to feel the rays on my skin. That didn’t mean I didn’t love Eli.

  “Gracie, look at me.” I couldn’t look at Eli, worried that if I did I would lose all my conviction and follow him back to Georgia. “Look. At. Me.”

  I snapped my head to him. “What?”

  “I’m transferring to Santa Barbara. I’m going to be here.” Like I was in a car going a hundred miles an hour and someone suddenly hit the brakes, Eli’s announcement hit me hard.

  “What?” I did a double take. “What are you saying Eli Jackson?”

  “I’m moving here.” Slowly, like I was a cat about to scare, Eli took another step toward me.

  “What? Why?” I looked around the new apartment, trying to find some object for my mind to hold on to. Everything was foreign to me, from the bed to the nightstand. I felt like I was falling and I just needed something to hold on to.

  “For you, Grace.” Eli’s voice was calm and collected, as if he was only telling me the weather.

  “Will that affect your career?” I stumbled over the words, not sure I was hearing him right. Moving to Santa Barbara? Not only would we be in the same state, but the same city. It was too good to be true. In my life, I’d learned that if something was too good, it usually meant there was a shadow underneath just waiting to swallow you whole.

  “I don’t believe this, Eli.” Crossing my arms, I frowned and backed away from him until I hit the wall. “I don’t believe it for one minute. What’s the catch?”

  Eli advanced fully, clearing the distance between us. “No catch, Bug. Sometimes you get both. Sometimes you can be happy in this life.” I shook my head, still in disbelief.

  Eli grabbed my hands, forcing me to unfold my arms. “Stop. Don’t think about what may happen. Just be with me. We’re gonna do this. We were meant to be. We’re gonna be together, come hell or high water.”

  “Where are you gonna live?” I asked Eli. I allowed him to caress my hands; it made everything easier. Having him gently stroking my skin comforted the roaring blood rushing through my veins that made me lightheaded.

  “You saw it.” I looked at him quizzically. What did he mean I saw it? The only place I’d seen
was the one where we’d slept together and that couldn’t be where he was gonna live. That was just temporary, right?

  “You mean that apartment? How?” How could he possibly live there? Anyway, he’d been staying there for weeks, and he’d just barely decided to transfer to Santa Barbara. I told him as much.

  “Gracie, you and me are meant to be.” Eli clasped my hands, pulling me close to his chest. “I knew it before you did. I’ve always known it. I transferred down before I came to California.”

  “I need to sit down,” I said. I yanked my hands free and walked over to the bed. Thank goodness it already had a mattress. I fell down, my hand to my forehead. Water stained the ceiling, probably evidence of leaks. The mattress was a bit lumpy. It was small.

  Compared to the apartment I’d shared with Vera, and compared to Eli’s new place, it wasn’t much. To me, though, it was everything.

  After a pregnant silence wherein Eli and I said nothing, I finally spoke. “I still want to live here. At my place.”

  Eli exhaled at my words. “That’s fine. That’s just fine, Gracie. When I’m without you…” He trailed off, staring at me like I was keeping something from him. I shifted, uncomfortable with his scrutiny. I was about to call him out on his staring when he spoke.

  “When I’m without you, Grace, it’s like someone stabbed me and then cauterized the wound, but the knife remains inside me, slowly killing me. Bleeding, I’m constantly bleeding inside as the knife cuts away at everything I am. Without you I’m empty of everything. Come back to me.”

  I slowly stood up off the mattress and made my way to Eli. Though he hadn’t moved toward me and his arms were still by his side, he was waiting for me. He was waiting for me to come to him and he had been waiting for me to come to him, truly come to him. We’d had sex since he’d come back. We’d talked, but we’d still been separate.

  I closed the distance between us, recognizing that the space I was closing was so much more than the width of my apartment. Finally, I was coming home.

  My phone buzzed and rang against the nightstand, waking both Eli and me up. I opened one eye and used it to glare at the rectangular device causing so much noise.

  “Who’s callin’ you this early?” Eli moaned, pulling me into his chest. The night before we’d made love over and over again—actually made love. We were back to us. There were no sheets on the bed, not even any pillows, but it didn’t matter. The distance between us was closed. Skin met skin, lips fused together, and we reached a new height. I didn’t know what time we’d finally ended, but I did know he was still inside me when I fell asleep.

  Reaching an arm out, I grabbed my phone. I looked at the caller ID. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but the area code was all too familiar: Georgia.

  “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully, sitting up to further inspect the buzzing thing in my hand. It was like a live creature, twitching and moaning for release.

  “Ignore it.” Eli turned around to go back to sleep. Every bone in my body told me to throw the phone on the nightstand and crawl back under the covers with Eli. The phone was ringing, its monotonous tone like funeral bells. I didn’t like it one bit.

  “Hello?” I answered on the last ring.

  Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.

  The funeral bells chimed so loud I couldn’t think, only listen.

  Listen as my world crumbled.

  Listen as news I’d known would come came.

  Even though I was expecting the news, it didn’t make it any easier.

  My stomach dropped. My mouth fell open. I pulled the phone away from my ear. Had I said anything to the person on the other line? Had I thanked them? Thanked them for giving me such terrible news?

  Probably. I must have. Otherwise how was the conversation over?

  “What is it?” Eli asked, sitting up. “What’s wrong Bug?”

  The phone fell from my grasp. I looked blankly ahead, not registering anything. The light was grey. The furniture black and white. Eli’s voice was only a buzzing in my ear.

  Eventually senses came rushing back like a tidal wave.

  “My mother is dead,” I said.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “What did I say, Bug? No more hiding your pain.”

  I stopped packing and looked Eli straight in the eye. “Of course I’m not okay. I haven’t called Mama once since moving out here. I just figured I’d have more time with her. And now she’s dead.” I looked away and shoved another pair of underwear in my small backpack.

  “She’d understand,” Eli said, reaching for me. I shoved him off. Mama hadn’t exactly been mentally present when I’d left, but that didn’t matter. I’d just figured that once I left, things would be better. For everyone. Mama was that little niggling thought in the back of my brain that existed but I never let myself acknowledge. Sort of how when you say you’re gonna stop eating cookies and you know it’s a lie, but you never ever admit that to yourself.

  I’d thought that when I got to know Vic we would be a family, and eventually I’d go back and get Mama, and then we would all be happy. Together.

  But now—I shoved another piece of clothing, making sure it really felt my wrath—now she was dead. She didn’t get to experience any happiness. She’d lived miserable and died alone. The last thing she’d seen was her daughter leaving.

  “God dammit!” I screamed into the small apartment. Eli came up and wrapped his arms around me. I wriggled against his hold, fighting the warmth he gave me. “Don’t touch me!” I cried and screamed. “Don’t fucking touch me Eli Jackson.” I heaved and sobbed, eventually falling into his grasp.

  “It’s not fair.”

  “I know it isn’t, but I’m here,” Eli murmured into my hair. “We’ll get through this.”

  “No!” I pushed Eli off me. “It’s not fair to her! What kind of life is that, Eli? To live and die in that house. At least I have you. She had…”

  “She had you.”

  I laughed bitterly. “Right. She had me. And I left…” I heaved a sigh, my emotions too much to process. “I need to finish packing.”

  “No you don’t.” Eli ripped the backpack from my grasp. “You can take a minute. You can breathe.”

  I reached for the backpack brokenly, arms heavy with sorrow. “No I can’t!”

  “Is the funeral tomorrow or something?” Eli snapped.

  “Don’t you get it?” My arms dropped. Giving up on retrieving my backpack, I sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m her only kin. It’s just me. I plan the funeral. I box up her life. Me.”

  “No. Not just you.” Eli placed my backpack back on the bed and proceeded to pack for me. I watched with apathetic interest as he shoved the last of my clothes into the bag. “We plan the funeral. We box up her life. And Vic. Are you forgetting about him?”

  Oh. My heart sank again. I had forgotten about him. I rubbed my forehead with the palm of my hand, trying to smooth out the problems beneath the surface. I needed to tell him the news. How would he react? Would he even care? It had been almost two decades since he’d seen her last.

  But she was his mother too.

  “I’ll go tell him,” I said, my entire being anesthetized by circumstance.

  Eli stood up. “I’ll come with you.” I put my hand out to stop him.

  “I think this is something I should do on my own.”

  “I’ll be right here, then,” Eli said. He looked like a soldier preparing for duty next to my backpack. “I’ll clean up, make sure everything is good before we go.”

  “You’re too good,” I muttered.

  “You’re better, Gracie. Don’t you ever forget that.”

  I stared at the black wooden door, my hand curled, ready to knock. Only weeks before I had been in the exact same position, homeless and without any clue what lay ahead. Now I had a home and almost everything I’d ever wanted. It all felt so precarious, like just the slightest breeze (or knock) could cause it all to come crashing down.

&n
bsp; “One thing, Lennox! One goddamn thing!” I brought my hand back as the words came tumbling through the wood. Vic and Lennox were fighting again. I was frozen, paralyzed by the news I needed to bring them yet couldn’t because it wasn’t the right time. It would never be the right time, but I felt like I had to get the news out of me for my sake, so I stayed, hoping they would finish soon.

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Vic?” Lennox’s voice sounded indignant even muffled through the wood. “One thing? Maybe one thing out of one hundred things!”

  “Take your goddamn pills!” I shuddered at Vic’s harsh voice. “I won’t be your doctor or your babysitter. I won’t watch your life crumble to pieces.”

  “No! You’ll just be the cause of it.”

  “How? How am I the cause of it?” Silence followed Vic’s question. I raised my hand to knock again, hoping that they were finished and I could play grim reaper. Just as I was about to knock, Vic’s violent words came crashing through.

  “No, really. Please, tell me how I’m causing you so much distress. I would love to hear this.”

  “You’re being such an asshole right now.”

  “I’m being an asshole? You’ve been picking fights with me for months and now I come to find out it’s because you’ve stopped taking your meds.” I stared at my feet, seemingly stuck to the carpet. As Vic and Lennox fought with each other, I wished I had more than the wood to protect me.

  “That has nothing to do with it!”

  “Nothing—”

  “No let me finish, goddammit! Let me finish!” Lennox screamed so loud I actually took a step back from the door. “Your sister shows up out of the fucking blue and you go catatonic on me! You stopped talking. You started throwing things at the littlest provocation. You disappeared for a week doing god knows what in god knows what fucking country. I thought you died.”

  “I sent you a letter.” For the first time since the horrible fight had begun, Vic’s voice was soft.

  Lennox laughed bitterly. “Yeah thanks for that. ‘Dear Lenny, I’m okay, don’t worry.’ The fuck is that? Meanwhile I’m throwing a baby shower for our friends and trying to act like my world isn’t caving in and also trying to befriend your sister, who, by the way, is actually kind of awesome. Not that you would know.”