Desperation of Love

by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

  “I see. Well, I’m sure they’ll be lucky to have you,” he says, giving her a quick once over, and I’d think he likes what he sees. Gavin is a notorious womanizer, so it doesn’t surprise me. He’s had one serious relationship in his entire life and Gemma was a product of that relationship. When his girlfriend threatened to give the baby up for adoption, Gavin stepped up to the plate and took full custody of Gemma. He’s never had the time or desire to get serious about anyone since then.

  “Alright,” I say, breaking up a slightly awkward silence. “We’ll see you two at dinner. We’re going to go say hi to Elle,” I say, grabbing Brooke’s hand and pulling her away.

  “Hey, pumpkin,” I call, as I walk into the kitchen with Brooke.

  Elle’s face lights up when she spots us. “Hey! I’m so glad that you’re here,” she says, coming out from behind the countertop she was leaning against to give us each a hug. “Oh my God, Brooke! It’s been so long. You look great.”

  “Thanks, but look at you … you’re stunning. Pregnancy really suits you.”

  “Why don’t you two catch up for a bit? I’m going to go use the restroom,” I say. I can’t stop thinking about Alex and how he betrayed my trust. I need to have it out with him. I spot him in the living room, beer in hand, talking to Rob. We cast glances at each other, and like it or not, my heart flutters at the sight of him. I look around the room at all the people milling around, but no one else has spotted me yet. I look back at Alex and tilt my head toward the glass sliders, letting him know to meet me outside. I quickly make my way out back before anyone else sees me and walk until I’m far enough away from the lights that illuminate the patio.

  Large hands wrap around me from behind, and warm lips nuzzle my neck. “I missed you today, princess.”

  I pull myself out of his hold and turn to face him. “How could you do that to me, Alex?”

  Confusion passes over his beautiful face. He takes a step toward me and I take a step back. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about Victor. He knows about us, Alex!” I shout. “There’re only two people who could have told him, and I know that I sure as hell didn’t, so that leaves you. You fucking promised! You swore that you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

  “Shit,” he grumbles, running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Jordan. I meant to tell you, but it just slipped my mind.”

  “It slipped your mind?” I screech. “Are you kidding me? Now he’s going to tell Elle. Not only do I have to explain why I didn’t tell her but why she had to hear it from him and not from me.”

  “No,” he responds, placing his hands on his hips. “He’s not going to tell her. He gave me his word.”

  “Ohhh, well, that just makes it all better,” I hiss, swinging my arms out for good measure. “Hopefully he keeps promises better than you do.”

  “Stop!” He growls, causing me to jump a little. “Enough already! I made a mistake and I said I was sorry. I didn’t set out to tell him, it just happened. He knew something was up and I couldn’t lie to him.”

  I cross my arms over my chest and shake my head at him. “Great. I’m sure he’s just thrilled.”

  “He’s fine with it, Jordan. He’s happy for us.”

  “That’s not the point.”

  “Who are you really mad at, huh? Me? Or yourself for not being honest with everyone from the start?”

  “I hate you,” I spit out, shaking my head in disbelief.

  “Fine line between love and hate.”

  “Fuck you,” I snarl back at him.

  He cuts the distance between us in two strides, and before I can retreat, his hand is fisting my hair, pulling it back until we’re face to face, breath to breath. “Do not tempt me, Jordan. I will take you so fast, you won’t even know what hit you, and I don’t give a fuck about who sees us.” My eyes go wide as pure shock takes over. Alex has never spoken to me like this before. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it or how to handle it. He brings his lips to my ear and whispers, “Now give me a kiss before I let you go back inside.”

  I hate him right now. Not because he told Victor, or because we’ve been out here arguing, or because he manhandled me and practically threatened me. No, I hate him because, in a matter of minutes, he’s managed to get me so turned on that I can’t even see straight. If the risk of getting caught wasn’t so great, I’d have stripped for him right here, right now. I fight to hide the grin that’s creeping up on my face, but I can’t help it.

  “Are you coming to my house after this?”

  He releases my hair and lets out a chuckle. “Yes, my little freak. I’ll meet you there.” I turn to walk away but he grabs my hand, pulling me to him and placing a quick kiss on my lips. “I meant what I said. I really am sorry.”

  I let out a sigh then rise on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek. “I know. I just panicked. We’ll tell everyone soon, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  When I sneak back inside, I’m met by Victor. I get the feeling that he’s been waiting for me. I’m not sure whether I should say anything or not, but he makes the decision for me.

  “You really should tell her, you know? She deserves to know, and I don’t like keeping things from my wife but I promised Alex.”

  “She doesn’t want me with him. She thinks I’ll only hurt him.”

  “It’s not her job to protect him or to decide who he gets to be with. She’ll get over it. She just gave you her opinion. It doesn’t mean that you have to take it, and it doesn’t mean she’s not going to support you.”

  “I’m scared of losing her.”

  “You could never lose Ellie. She loves you too much.”

  “I just need some time.”

  He nods. “Your choice. But when the time comes, I’ll talk to her too. I think you and my brother are good for each other, I really do.”

  “Thanks, that means a lot,” I say. It really does mean something to me that he approves. He turns to walk away, but before he can leave, I blurt out, “I think … I think I’m just scared that she’s right, you know? That I am going to hurt him.”

  “People hurt each other all the time. All you can do is try your best not to.”

  “I am trying.”

  “I know. Go find Ellie before she sends out a search party.” I nod and walk away, feeling worse than I did before. Now it’s not anger that I feel, but guilt. I’ve left my best friend out of an important part of my life. It’s not the first time I’ve done this. There are parts of my past that not even Elle knows, but those things didn’t affect her directly. I realize how insane I’ve been acting. Me and Alex dating is not a matter of national security. It’s not the end of the world, and we don’t need anyone’s approval. Maybe I’ve been using Elle as an excuse to not give myself over to Alex completely. Keeping him away from my family and friends allows me to keep him as a separate part of my life. Even though tonight is not the time or place, I realize that I have to tell her sooner rather than later.

  Dinner went by without any further incident. True to his word, by the time I dropped Brooke off at her place and made it home, Alex was already waiting for me. He also made it his mission that I get very little sleep. But if last night was any indication of what the future holds, I’ll gladly give up hours of sleep for hours of crazy sex.

  I used to wake up in the morning alone. I’d get up, shower, grab a cup of coffee and start my day. I did all of those things in this empty house, full of nothing but silence, and I used to think that the silence translated to freedom. My independence, the ability to do what I want, when I want, without having to answer to anyone, was what I craved most. As I lie here now, snuggled up in Alex’s arms, I have finally come to realize that I’ve just been a lonely woman who has alienated herself from the scary parts of life. I was a woman who convinced herself that this is the only way to live. But by doing that, I’ve been short changing myself on all of the possibilities that could lead to a richer, fuller life. It took Alex getting in my face for me to truly
understand that.

  At this stage in the game, I don’t think that letting go of Alex is an option. I’m done with keeping him at bay. I’m tired of having a relationship with him that’s separate from my friends and family. It’s time to integrate this relationship into the other pieces of my life. The shrill sound of the phone ringing breaks me from my thoughts. I reach over to my nightstand and notice that it’s only five o’clock in the morning. I pick up the phone and check the caller ID.

  “Mom, is everything okay?” I question as I sit up in bed. “Mom, calm down and tell me what happened.”

  What she tells me next brings my entire world crashing down around me. “I’m on my way,” I say, ending the call. Suddenly, I’m frozen, unable to move or process information. I vaguely notice a hand on my back and a figure sitting up next me. I can sense tears streaming down my cheeks but I can’t feel them. I don’t know how long I’m practically comatose, completely unresponsive, but the sound of Alex’s voice snaps me out of it. “Baby, are you okay?”

  I finally turn my face to look at him. “I have to go,” I say quietly.

  “What’s wrong, princess?” he says, pulling me into his arms. The act that usually calms me down has no effect on me right now. I can’t wrap my brain around what’s going on. I know I have to erect the wall around my heart to keep these emotions from overcoming me. “That was my mom. My dad had a heart attack. The hospital just called her. She’s still listed as next of kin.”

  “Jordan.”

  “No. I have to go, Alex,” I say, pulling from his grasp and rushing out of bed. I got straight into my closet to grab some clothes and pack a bag.

  “Alright. Well, I’m coming with you.”

  “It’s fine,” I say, shaking my head. “Really. I know you have a lot going on with the studio, and I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.”

  “I’ll figure it out. At the very least, I want to make sure you get to the hospital in one piece. You’re in no condition to drive.”

  “Alright,” I concede, knowing that I can’t win this battle with him and I have no time to try.

  He goes to the closet and pulls out his bag then throws a couple pairs of jeans and t-shirts, underwear and socks into it. For some reason, seeing him pack calms me down a little. Maybe it’s the fact that he intends to be there for me and I don’t have to ask, he just offers. Maybe it’s knowing that whatever the outcome is, I won’t have to face seeing my dad alone. When we’re done packing, he grabs our bags and his car keys. I follow him out of the house, making sure that I lock the door as he secures our things in the trunk. He holds the passenger door open for me, waiting until I’m buckled in to shut it. He gets into the driver’s side and I tell him where we’re going.

  My dad moved to Northern New Jersey after he divorced my mom, saying that he was tired of his long commute and wanted to move closer to his job. I just thought he was trying to get as far away from my mom as possible. I don’t normally think about these memories because they remind me of an ugly time in my life. The perfect family that I thought I had was ripped apart and I was put in the middle, used as a pawn in a horrible divorce. I was the ultimate prize to be won, and when the judge finally gave me the choice to make, I decided to stay with my mom. That one choice broke my father’s heart. Unfortunately, our relationship was never quite the same, no matter how hard we tried to get it back. It wasn’t until years later that I uncovered the truth behind how my family broke apart, a secret kept from me all of my life, further damaging my already frayed relationship with my parents.

  Alex makes no attempt at small talk. He doesn’t ask me how I’m feeling or what happened. He just holds my hand and leaves me to my own thoughts, letting me process what’s happening in my own way. The hour-long drive seems to take eons. I’m both relieved and terrified when we finally pull into the emergency room parking lot. Alex comes around to help me out of the car, but by the time he gets there, I’m already out and running toward the entrance. He catches up to me quickly and grabs hold of my hand, giving me strength when I need it the most.

  We make it to the front desk and Alex takes charge immediately. He addresses the young woman sitting behind the desk. “Can you tell me where a patient by the name of Walter Burke is? He was brought in by ambulance about three hours ago.”

  “Are you members of his family?” she questions.

  “Yes, this is his daughter and I’m her husband,” he replies. I don’t care what lies he has to tell to get us to my father. I’m just glad that he’s taken the lead because I honestly don’t think I could do it right now. I’m hanging on by a very thin thread.

  “He’s in the intensive care unit, room five. Go to the end of this corridor and take the first bank of elevators up to the third floor,” she says.

  Alex thanks her and immediately pulls me away. With every step I take, the fear intensifies. I keep wondering exactly what I’m going to find when we make it upstairs.

  Jordan is a mess right now, understandably so, but I can tell that she’s shutting down a little more with each minute that passes by. I knew that I was going to have to take control of the situation to get her to the hospital safely. The moment she sat up in bed, I knew something was off, and when her mom gave her the news, she turned white as a ghost and froze. She was silent the entire drive up here and now she looks like she might just pass out at any moment. I pull her into the elevator and hit the button for the third floor. “Hey, I’ll be right here with you, okay?”

  She looks up at me with tears in her eyes and nods. My heart breaks for her. The last thing that I want is to see is the girl that I love in pain. When the elevator doors open up, I pull Jordan forward and follow the signs for the ICU.

  “Jordan.” I hear a woman cry from down the hall. I recognize the woman as her mom, from pictures I’ve seen in Jordan’s house.

  Jordan squeezes my hand before letting it go as we walk toward her mother. “Mom,” she says in a strangled cry as she throws her arms around the much taller woman. They both break down sobbing. I take a step back, allowing them to have this moment without any intrusion from me. “How is he?” Jordan asks, finally pulling away from her mother and taking a step back until she’s standing next to me. She’s looking to me to give her strength and I’m only too happy to oblige.

  “The doctors are trying to get him stabilized before they take him in for surgery. He needs to have a cardiac catheterization so they can determine the extent of the damage and decide on what to do.”

  Jordan takes hold of my hand again. “How did this even happen?”

  “I’m not sure. All I know is that he had chest pain severe enough to call an ambulance. He must have unlocked his door, because when the paramedics got there, he was nearly passed out on his couch.”

  “Oh God, Mom. He called me the other day and asked me to lunch and I blew him off!”

  “Don’t do that to yourself, Jordan. Your father knows that you have a life of your own.”

  “I know. I just wish I would have at least called him back. Can we see him?”

  “Not until the doctor comes out and lets us know he’s stabilized.”

  “Why don’t we go sit in the waiting room?” I say, cutting into the conversation.

  “Oh God, Alex, I’m so sorry. Mom, this is my boyfriend, Alex. Alex, this is my mom, Elena.”

  “Hello, Alex. I’m so happy to meet you.”

  “Me, too. I’m sorry it isn’t under better circumstances.”

  “Well, either way, I’m glad you’re here with Jordan.”

  I smile and hold open the door to the waiting room, allowing them to walk through. Once I have them both seated, all I can do is try to make them as comfortable as I can. “Can I get you ladies something? Do you want a coffee, princess? Do you think you can handle eating anything?”

  “I’ll come with you,” she says, looking up at me with her wide eye gaze, looking more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen. My God, I love her. I wish I could take the pain away from her right now. I l
ower myself on my haunches until we’re eye level and I stroke her cheek.

  “You stay here with your mom. I’m only going to be a minute, alright? I promise I’ll be right back.”

  She nods her acceptance. “Okay. I think maybe a tea would be good. It might calm my nerves a bit.”

  “Sure,” I say, moving in to place a kiss on her forehead. “How bout you, Elena?”

  “A tea would be nice. Thank you, Alex.”

  “You’re welcome,” I say to her. I turn my attention back to my girl. “While I’m gone, I’ll call Ellie for you, okay? I’m sure she’d want to know.”

  “Thanks, babe,” she whispers. I take one last look at her before I walk away, taking the elevator back down to the lobby. I go outside where I have better cell reception, and dial Ellie’s number. She answers on the third ring, sounding both surprised and sleepy. “Hello?”

  “Hey, sis. Sorry to call you so early.”

  “Don’t apologize. Is everything okay?”

  “I’m at a hospital in North Jersey. Jordan’s father had a heart attack early this morning. She was too shaken to drive, so she called me and I brought her up here. I came down to get her something from the cafeteria and I promised her I’d call you.”

  “Oh my God, Alex. Thank goodness you’re with her right now. She must be a mess.”

  “Yeah, she’s pretty shaken up, but she’s hanging in there.”

  “We’re getting dressed right now, and we’ll be there as soon as we can. Will you text me the hospital information?”

  “I will. I’ll see you guys soon.” I disconnect the call and hurry into the cafeteria, getting the tea for Jordan and her mom, and a coffee for myself. I’m back in the ICU within ten minutes, and I find Jordan sitting in a corner with her mom, both in tears. I rush over to her. When her eyes meet mine, her sobs intensify. She gets up and throws her arms around me. I envelope her in my arms and sit in her vacated seat with her snuggled securely in my lap. “Hey, what happened?”