Desperation of Love

by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

  “The doctor came,” she says, barely audible. “They’ve taken him to surgery for the procedure.”

  “Aw, baby. I know you’re scared, but that’s good news. The sooner they figure out the extent of the damage, the sooner they can treat him, right?”

  “I just wish I could have seen him, let him know that I’m here.”

  I nod my head and smooth out her hair, tucking her face into the crook of my neck. “It’s alright, baby. He’s going to be okay.” She smiles at me but doesn’t speak. I can feel her tears on my skin start to slow down, and before long, her breathing pattern has shifted, letting me know that she’s fallen asleep.

  “You’re amazing with her.” I shift my gaze to Elena who is watching me intently. I’d forgotten that she was even here. “Jordan has never been good at letting people in, but clearly, you’re different. I’m glad that she has you.”

  “You have a great daughter.”

  “She is an extraordinary girl. But she’s also my daughter and I know her well, so I know you must be a very patient man, Alex.”

  I can’t help but to let out a quiet laugh. “I’m a lot of things, but patient is not one of them. I just get her. I understand her and that helps.”

  “I’m going to make a few calls. I’ll be back in a bit,” she says, leaving me alone in the waiting room with my girl asleep on my lap. I feel very helpless. The situation is much bigger than me, greater than what I can control, and I’m worried. Jordan is in a fragile place right now and I’m not sure she can handle any bad news where her family is concerned. I know I’m being a selfish bastard, but I’m scared of what that kind of news will do to our relationship. Will she revert to her old behavior and try to push me away if something happens to her father? I pray that I don’t have to find out.

  I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting here, holding her like this, but it must be a while because Ellie and Victor come walking in, hand in hand. Ellie looks worried at first, but when she sees Jordan asleep in my lap, the concerned expression changes to what looks more like confusion. Before she can comment, Victor pulls her over to the seats and helps her down. He takes a seat next to her and nods toward Jordan. “How’s she doing?”

  I shake my head and let out a sigh. “She’s scared but she’s trying to be strong.”

  Ellie’s expression softens and her eyes glaze over with unshed tears. “How’s her dad?”

  “In surgery. We should be hearing something soon.” We sit there for a while in silence, no one commenting on what is so clearly happening between me and Jordan. It’s really not that important in the grand scheme of things. Eventually, Elena comes back and Ellie does her part to comfort her. After all, she’s known her for a long time. This wasn’t how I wanted Ellie to find out about me and Jordan, and I know it’s not how Jordan wanted it to go down, but at least it’s done. The cat’s out of the bag, but there are bigger problems to deal with right now. I’m grateful that Jordan has the people who are closest to her here.

  The sound of someone calling my name pulls me out of my slumber. “Jordan,” I hear him say. It’s the only voice that really matters to me right now. My eyes flutter open and I see his beautiful face. I look at him and I realize I can get through anything as long as he’s around. “Hey, sleepyhead,” he whispers. I’m not sure why, but the sight of him causes a tear to escape from my eyes. “Don’t cry, babe. I’m right here.” I bury my face back in the crook of his neck and hold him as tight as I can. I take a moment to compose myself and then pull away from him slowly.

  “Did the doctor come back yet?”

  “No, but he should be by any minute now. Victor and Ellie are here.” For a moment, I worry about what my best friend must have thought when she found me asleep in Alex’s arms, but then I remember why I’m here, and how much more important that is than someone not liking my dating choices. I turn my head slightly and find that Elle is nearby. Her eyes are on me, but there is no disdain or anger. I see the same emotion in my eyes reflected in hers, and before I know it, we’re both in tears. I’m up on my feet and pulling her into an embrace.

  “I’m so sorry, Jordan.”

  “I’m just so glad you’re here.”

  “Of course, I’m here. Where else would I be?” We pull apart and she gives me a sad smile before asking, “How are you holding up?”

  “I’m alright. Just nervous.”

  Victor stands up and pulls me into a hug. “Hey, Shorty.”

  “Hi. Thanks for coming.”

  “You’re family. Of course, we came.”

  I look down at my mom and find her looking kind of frozen and staring at the doorway. I turn just in time to see the doctor walk into the waiting room. Alex is up and by my side immediately. I grab onto his hand and he pulls me into his side, giving me support without me having to ask for it.

  “How is he, doctor?” I hear my mom question the man who’s standing there. He looks professional, like he knows what he’s doing and he’s very good at it, but emotionally removed. I suppose he’d have to be in order to deal with what he sees on a daily basis. He’s the difference between life and death for many people, and that must carry some heavy weight with it.

  “He’s in stable condition and resting comfortably right now.”

  “What about the damage to his heart?” I ask.

  He makes eye contact with me. “We’ve uncovered a seventy-five percent blockage of the left main coronary artery, which supplies most of the blood flow to the heart’s lower left chamber. We have to get blood flow to the heart quickly. I’m recommending a bypass surgery.”

  “What exactly does that mean?” I question. I think he must hear the fear in my voice because his eyes go soft. He almost looks human instead of the cold, unfeeling doctor that walked in here moments ago.

  “It means that we will take a blood vessel from your fathers leg or arm and create an alternate route around the blockage, redirecting the blood flow around the failed vessel.”

  I look to my mom, who lets out a sigh of worry before speaking. “What are the risks?”

  “It’s an open heart surgery, ma’am,” he replies, turning to face her. “There’s always risk of infection, blood loss or blood clots, and even death. Look,” he says in a softer tone. “Overall, he’s in good health, so that’s promising. I’m optimistic.”

  Alex gives my hand a squeeze and addresses the doctor. “When will you do the surgery?”

  “He’s stable now, so that’s a good sign, but after undergoing the catheter, we want him to rest for a day or two before surgery.” Alex nods. The doctor looks back at me. “He’ll be in recovery for the next hour or so, but you should be able to see him after that.”

  “Thank you,” I respond before he walks away.

  No one says anything, but they’re all looking at me, wondering how I’m handling this latest development. They wait for me to say something but I ignore them all. I turn my body towards Alex and bury my face in his chest, fisting the material of his t-shirt in my hands and letting my tears fall freely. I hate myself for being so weak, for needing to cling to Alex like this. I barely recognize myself but it’s beyond my control.

  I think about my dad, lying in a hospital bed, fighting for his life. When I was a little girl, he would take me on daddy-daughter dates. They were afternoons that consisted of walks in the park, trips to the zoo, long drives with the convertible top down, and funnel cakes on the boardwalk. I have countless memories like that, of a man who loved me and doted on me from the minute I entered his life. So why had I let our relationship get to the point where we only spoke a few times a year? How did I get to the point of declining his invitation to dinner then never calling him back to reschedule? “I’m a bad daughter,” I mumble into Alex’s chest.

  “Don’t go there. You’re not a bad daughter. Don’t do that to yourself.” He cups my face in his hands and pulls it away from his shirt, tilting it up so that I’m looking into his eyes. “Children grow up and they don’t need their parents the way they d
id when they were kids. You’re an adult with your own life. Your dad knows that, okay?” I let his words sink in and hope with everything in me that he’s right. “He knows you love him,” he says.

  “I’m scared, babe,” I confess. He places a kiss on my forehead, leads me back over to the chairs, and motions for me to sit. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t tell me not to be afraid, not to feel what I’m feeling. He just accepts what I say and lets me know that I’m not alone. That he has me and he’s going to take care of me. I rest my head on his chest and look over at Elle, who’s watching my interactions with Alex intently. If she didn’t know about us before, she definitely knows now. I was expecting a harsh stare, a hint or a clue that she might be pissed, but her eyes are full of nothing but warmth and acceptance. I’m relieved because it’s one less thing that I have to worry about right now.

  When the nurse tells us dad is out of recovery and back in his room, Mom and I go into the ICU together. She waits outside the door, letting me go in to see him first. She said she wanted to give us some privacy, but I think she was just still too shaken to go in. I walk into the room, and the first thing I notice are all the machines that he’s hooked up to. Seeing him lying there, looking pale and fragile is hard to take, almost unimaginable. My father has always been tall, healthy, and full of life. Seeing him like this instantly brings tears to my eyes. I take the empty seat next to his bed and grab his hand, needing to feel close to him. His eyes flutter open and the corner of his mouth tips up in a strained smile when he sees me. “Hey, honey,” he says slowly, like every word takes an effort to leave his mouth.

  “Hi,” I reply softly. “I’d ask you how you’re feeling but I can only imagine.”

  “Don’t you worry about me. I’m tougher than I look.” He looks years older, not like what I’m used to seeing. Now he just seems tired.

  “You need another surgery, Dad.”

  “I know. It’s a good thing. They’ll do the surgery and I’ll be fine.”

  I nod my head, close my eyes, and take a deep, calming breath. I open my eyes and take a good look at my dad. In a moment of clarity, I realize that he’s become just another victim of the fortress that I built around my heart. a casualty in a war that I’ve caused myself. I’ve kept him at arm’s length for years, blaming him for everything that’s gone wrong in my life. “I love you, Dad,” I croak, fresh tears escaping from my eyes. “I’m so sorry that I haven’t been around more. I shut you out and I hate that I did that to you.”

  “Hey. Stop talking like you need to make amends for anything, like you need to say goodbye to me. I’m not going anywhere, baby. Even if I do, you don’t ever have to apologize for anything. You’re my daughter and I love you no matter what. That gives you endless free passes and God only knows I’ve made mistakes, so if anyone should apologize, it’s me. I let my pride get in the way and I put you through hell.”

  I use my free hand to wipe away my tears. “So, are you going to?”

  “What?”

  “Apologize,” I say with a grin.

  He chuckles. “Ugh, don’t make me laugh, honey. I just had a heart attack. You know I don’t do apologies.”

  I just smile at him. For the first time since this whole ordeal started, I have an actual sliver of hope that my dad is going to pull through this. I sit with him for a while longer then say goodbye so my mom can visit before the nurses come and kick us out.

  Back in the waiting room, I find Elle sitting alone, hands on her protruding stomach and her eyes on the television in the corner of the room. She glances my way as I walk in.

  “Where are the guys?” I question, walking to her.

  “Downstairs making a coffee run. They should be back soon. How’s your dad doing?”

  “He’s weak, but he’s stable and responsive. That’s the best we can hope for right now,” I say, taking the seat across from her. “You should head home, Elle. You’re in no condition to be sitting here waiting around with me.”

  “I’m fine. You’re my best friend. Where else would I be?”

  I give her my first genuine smile of the day and nod my head. Selfish as it may seem, I love that she’s here. She’s been my source of strength for so long and I need the reassurance from her right now. There’s an uncomfortable silence floating between us now, a looming conversation that neither of us really wants to have, but I assume that she wants to know, so I decide to broach the subject carefully. “Listen …”

  “No. Now’s not the time or the place, and it’s none of my business, Jordan. I said hurtful things to you that night we went out to dinner, so I don’t blame you for keeping it a secret from me. I was a bitch.”

  I get up and take the seat next to her, positioning my body so that I’m facing her. “No, you were right about a lot of things, about how I push guys away, but I want you to know that I’m trying to be different for him. I feel different with him.”

  “I can see that. I just want you both to be happy. You’re both adults and it’s really not my place to get involved, so … I’m going to mind my business and respect your privacy. When you are ready to tell me about it, you can. And I promise that I’ll listen to you with an open mind. I won’t judge you and I will support you no matter what. I’ve known you way longer than I’ve known Alex, so for me to warn you away from him was completely out of line.”

  “You were just trying to protect your family.”

  “You’re my family. I’m blaming my bad judgment on pregnancy hormones, and I just hope that you can forgive me.”

  “We’re family,” I whisper. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

  She stares at me for a second, and I swear she can see all the emotion that’s living in my head right now. She pats her lap and I can’t stop the tear that escapes. She knows me so well. I lower my head until it’s resting on her lap, and she begins running her fingers through my hair. When I was younger and my parents were going through their divorce, I would always escape to Elle’s house. I would break down and cry, telling her how they would threaten each other and fight over me, putting me in the middle of their failed marriage. She would always do this to me, and strange as it may seem, the simple gesture always calmed me down.

  We all spent the last couple of days at the hospital and our nights at a nearby hotel. I tried to convince Victor and Elle to go home but they refused, saying they wouldn’t leave until after my dad’s surgery. Alex has not left my side in days. He and Victor have been handling any construction issues on the recording studio via telephone and by using Rob as a site manager.

  Now, it’s the morning of the surgery and I’m waiting to go in and see my dad before he’s prepped and taken up to the operating room. I wait outside his door with Alex while my mom visits with him. I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for her. Their relationship has been so volatile for years, but for her to put aside her feelings to be there for him and for me is amazing.

  After she leaves, I sneak Alex into his room with me. He’s only allowed one visitor at a time, but I really want my dad to meet him.

  “Hey, honey.”

  “Hi, Daddy. You look good this morning.”

  “I feel good,” he says, giving me a wink. “And who’s this young man?”

  “Daddy, this is my boyfriend, Alex Garza. Alex, this is my dad, Walter Burke.”

  “Mr. Burke. I’m happy to finally meet you.”

  “I’m happy to meet you too, Alex. It’s not every day that my baby introduces a boyfriend to her old man. You must be pretty important for her to do that.”

  “She’s pretty important to me too, sir.”

  He looks between Alex and I. His gaze drops to our conjoined hands and he smiles. “It’s good to see you happy, Jordan.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” We talk for a little while about everything and anything. Alex and my dad talk about every sport imaginable, and we make plans to go to a New York Giants game together this season. We say our goodbyes, and Alex and I go out to sit in the waiting room with everyone els
e.

  I really like Jordan’s dad. He’s in good spirits this morning and looks as good as he can for just having a heart attack. I’m hoping that he pulls through this. Not only for Jordan’s sake, but because he seems like a really great guy. I’d like to get to know him better. Once in the waiting room, Jordan discovers that she’s left her sweater and her purse in her dad’s hospital room. I tell her to sit tight then run back to go get them for her. I walk into his room just as a nurse, who was checking his vitals, is walking out.

  “I’m sorry to bother you, sir. Jordan just forgot her sweater and her bag in here.”

  He gives me a nod and a tentative smile. “You can call me Walter, son. Why don’t you come sit down a minute? I’m actually glad you came back.”

  I’m curious as to what he wants to talk about. It’s not like his daughter is sixteen years old and he can threaten to break my neck if I hurt her. I cross the room and take the empty seat next to his bed. “What can I do for you, Walter?”

  “You love my daughter, right? I can see it written all over your face.”

  “Yeah, I do. I love her very much, although she doesn’t know that yet.”

  “She knows it. She loves you too.”

  “I’m hoping that’s true.”

  “She doesn’t know how to tell you. She’s been through a lot and she has trouble accepting love because, as far as she knows, love has only hurt her. Be patient with her.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “Don’t try. Succeed.” He takes a breath and opens his mouth hesitantly before speaking.

  “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life where Jordan and her mother are concerned, but that was a long time ago and I’ve dealt with those demons. In my heart, I know that I’m not making it out of this surgery alive, son. I want to know that my baby is taken care of. It’s the only way I’ll be able to go in peace.”