The Colour of Broken

by Amelia Grace

  I smiled at Gramps and put my hand on his arm. ‘It’s good news then.’ It was Gram’s answered prayer.

  ‘Yes ... I can’t thank you enough. What you have done for Gram ...’ he shook his head, ‘and me ... I still have my Fleur ... my beautiful Fleur—’ His eyes teared up.

  ‘It’s okay, Gramps. It’s the way it should be. We’re still together, and that’s what counts.’

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘It does.’

  ‘When is Gram returning to her flowers?’

  ‘Tomorrow.’ He beamed a sunshiny smile at me. I hadn’t seen that smile for a long time.

  ‘Good. I can’t wait,’ I said. ‘Now, Gramps, I hate to cut our conversation short, but I have flowers and customers to attend to. See you tomorrow, shall I?’

  ‘Of course.’

  *~*~*~*~*

  I pulled out my phone.

  ME: Xander, will you do something for me?

  XANDER: Anything.

  ME: Will you drive me to Mia’s. I need to talk to her.

  XANDER: Sure.

  *~*~*~*~*

  I sat on the steps of Flowers for Fleur, holding a large bouquet of pink roses, waiting. I had something I had to do, for me, and for Mia.

  Xander stopped the car and walked around to the passenger door and opened it for me. I waved my free hand about at him, and he raised an eyebrow at me.

  ‘Thanks for doing this,’ I said while he drove.

  He looked over at me for a moment. ‘I’m yours, any time you want, or need.’

  I placed my hand on his thigh and closed my eyes for a moment. I didn’t want to visit her, but it had to be done.

  I opened my eyes and the split rail fence of Mr Johnson’s clover field came into view. The paddock was bursting with clover, more now than ever, much more than when Mia and I had stolen time there together.

  ‘Stop here. There’s something I need to do.’

  Xander pulled the car over to the side of the road and I got out before he could open my door. I jogged across the road.

  ‘Yolande?’ he called after me.

  I turned to him from across the road. ‘Come with me,’ I said, and ducked between the timber rails of the fence. I heard the car door close, and turned to see Xander jogging before he jumped over the fence, one hand on the top wooden rail.

  I stood before the field of clover, a mass of white flowers with green peeking through, and pink. I looked for a pathway between the bees that visited the clover flowers, buzzing around happily, unaware.

  I took slow steps, avoiding the bees until I found a comfortable patch to lay on, stomach down amongst the clover. I watched as the bees flitted from flower to flower, a safe distance away.

  ‘Do you have a death wish?’ Xander said when he stopped before me, then lay on his stomach next to me after checking for the deadly bees.

  Once upon a time, yes, but not now. ‘No,’ I said, and picked clover flowers with long stalks and started to split the stem and thread a new flower stem through it to make a garland of clover, like a crown.

  ‘Mia and I used to come here and make princess crowns.’ I looked up at Xander. He held a crooked smile on his face, and my heart fluttered. I worked quickly with the flowers and completed the garland, then lifted it to place on top of Xander’s head. I smiled at him.

  ‘Does that make me a princess now?’ he asked.

  I laughed at his words. But not too loudly, lest Mr Johnson hear and chase us out of his clover field in his bee suit that made him look like an angry astronaut.

  I placed my hand over the top of Xander’s and threaded my fingers between his. ‘Only if I can be the prince,’ I said.

  Xander smirked at me and raised his forearm so the back of my hand rested against his lips. His kiss, right there, right then, was the most perfect thing in the entire world, melting my insides, making me feel all gooey la-la.

  He took the crown of clover off his head and placed it onto mine and paused for a moment. I wondered if something was amiss, like he had suddenly seen my darkness.

  I swallowed as anxiety bubbled inside of me and took a deep breath. ‘Is something wrong?’ I asked, not wanting to hear his next words.

  ‘Quite the opposite. It couldn’t be more right,’ he said, and kissed my forehead. When he opened his eyes, he was drinking me in, surrounding me with a light and love that I wanted to touch my soul. It took all my restraint not to reach out to him, to place my lips upon his. I stole my eyes from his and picked a clover flower and twirled it in my fingers.

  ‘Do you want to know what happened to me—you know ... how the scars came to be?’

  He put a finger under my chin and lifted my face to his, gazing deeply into my eyes, searching.

  My eyes stung with unspilled tears. ‘You know ... just you and me and the deadly bees ...’ I said to lighten the mood.

  Xander rolled onto his back and looked up into the cloudless sky. I placed my hand over his heart.

  ‘I think you want to know, but I’m scared that you’ll hate me,’ I whispered, my voice wavering.

  His hand covered mine in the lightest touch. He turned his head, so our eyes connected and locked, the blue of his eyes reflecting the colour of the sky, making them luminous, like his soul.

  ‘I could never hate you. No story you could ever tell me will change how I feel about you. This beautiful woman beside me is the one I want to be with, regardless of her past.’ He stopped talking for a moment and my stomached churned with anxiety. ‘It’s your story to tell, Yolande, or not. Whatever you’re comfortable with. And whatever your choice, I will understand without question.’

  I placed my head on his chest and listened to the beat of his heart. There would be a risk in telling him what had happened. If things went wrong in our relationship, I would always blame it on him knowing the story of that terrible day of the scars, and exposing him to the darkness inside me that I tried to conceal. It would always be something that would come between us, if not in his eyes, always in mine.

  I decided not to tell him. I wanted to leave it in the past. I wanted a clean slate, and someone to look at me as the new person I had become—the new me who had ultimately grown stronger through tragedy—grown more compassionate, with more love to give than I could ever imagine, because of him. I wanted to be able to give him more, untainted by my past.

  ‘I’m ready to visit Mia now,’ I said, and sat up.

  I looked around and waited for a clear path between the bees before I stood, then took careful steps out of the clover field with my garland on my head like a crown, Xander right behind me.

  *~*~*~*~*

  I fussed about Mia’s flowers and sat beside her.

  I looked back at Xander. He was leaning against the oak tree, his hands behind his back, waiting for me. He had the patience of a saint.

  I blew air between my lips.

  ‘Hi, Mia. It’s been a while since we chatted. Three years in fact ... I’m so sorry I couldn’t hold your hand tighter that afternoon. I tried so hard, you know. I broke nine ribs on that hanging tree. But I got off lightly compared to you ...’

  I started to sob.

  I looked up at the blue sky and closed my eyes and let the memory of that terrible day of the scars come. It had been shut inside me for what seemed like forever. I needed to release it.

  ‘Mia, I have something insane to show you!’ I grabbed her hand to pull her out of the car, to stop her from making a mistake.

  But Johnno was behind me. I could smell the hard liquor he’d been drinking. He gave me a firm shove and I landed across Mia’s lap in the back seat. The door shut behind me, and then another door closed. By the time I had raised myself up, Jack was driving the car away from the party.

  ‘Where are we going?’ I asked, taking note of the scenery around us, looking for a moment of slow speed where Mia and I could jump out of the car. Their colour was no longer blue. It had become red, bright red: danger.

  ‘Up to the outlook to watch the sunset. It’s amazing at t
his time of the year. You girls will love it!’

  My heart calmed little. There would be heaps of people at the outlook watching the view. It would be okay. We would be okay.

  But the outlook was different to the one I knew. Jack followed a bumpy, rugged, off-road track to get there. When he stopped the engine, he turned to us. ‘This is the real party, girls!’

  Jack and Johnno got out of the car. They gripped our wrists and pulled us out of the back seat. Jack hit the left side of my face as he pushed me down onto the grass and laughed. I kept my eyes on them as I felt my cheek smarting.

  We had to run.

  I stood, then reached down for Mia’s hand and pulled her up beside me.

  Jack pulled out a bag of white powder from his pocket and snorted it, then handed it to Johnno, who did the same. In an instant, their unlikeable demeanour became surly and repulsive ...

  ‘Jack, that white shit is great. Do you see what we have here? I smell something mighty pleasurable ... two of ‘em!’

  Jack laughed. ‘Look at what we have here ... two chicks!’

  I clenched my fist. Chicks is such a demeaning word.

  ‘You know why women hate some men, don’t you—’ I started.

  ‘No more, Andi,’ Mia whispered.

  ‘Not that I would call either of you a man! Your violence shouts of your weakness,’ I continued.

  ‘Shut the fuck up, bitch!’ The sharp bite of Jack’s hand stung my already bruised cheek.

  ‘Coward,’ I spat.

  ‘Andi, not a word more, you’re making them angrier!” Mia said, her voice trembling.

  ‘Girls ... we need you naked ... take off your clothes, or we’ll cut them off!’

  I looked at Mia, enraged, then turned back to them. I didn’t want their filthy hands to touch me. If they cut my clothes from me, I wouldn’t have any clothes to put back on. So, I started to undo my buttons, lulling them into a false sense of control, then started to run. Past the car and into the trees, my heart belting in my chest as I sucked in precious breaths. I lengthened my stride, fuelled by my adrenaline, then fell. I had been ankle tapped.

  My wrist smarted as Johnno wrapped his fingers around it, then pulled me back to Jack.

  ‘Chasing games are fun,’ Jack said. ‘Now be a good girl and take off your clothes like Mia.’

  I scowled at him, then closed my eyes and did as he asked. I removed every stitch of my clothing until I was standing naked, beside Mia.

  Jack laughed, then pushed Mia to the ground. He took a swig of vodka, then started to unbuckle his belt.

  I turned my head away and tried to shut out Mia’s desperate voice. ‘No! Please ... don't. Stop! Leave me alone!’

  Fury built inside me. I turned my eyes back to Jack. It was time to mess with his head to stop his violent violation.

  He pushed his jeans down. No underwear. His cherished appendage popped up and bounced.

  I giggled, while suppressing the need to vomit.

  He looked at me and I giggled again. Get away, Mia, make your move, I mind communicated to her.

  ‘What?’ he said.

  ‘I thought it would be bigger.’

  He ran his hand along his length. ‘Big enough for fucking.’

  ‘Oh wait—is it getting smaller?’ It wasn’t, but planting the thought in his head might do the trick.

  He took a step towards me.

  I tilted my head to the side and pretended to study his penis. ‘I’m pretty sure that alcohol you’re drinking will cause erectile dysfunction.’

  He looked at his drink.

  ‘You know Mia has the clap, don’t you?’ I was lying, of course.

  He looked at me as if he didn’t know what I was talking about.

  ‘You know ... a sexually transmitted infection ... genital herpes to be exact. You’ll end up with painful blisters on your ...’ I twirled my finger in the air while looking at his penis, then pointed at it, ‘... your dick. And they’ll recur for your entire life.’

  I could see Mia inching backwards on the ground. Good girl.

  The whack echoed when he slapped my face. Hard. My cheek stung before pain set in. I seethed inside.

  Johnno looked down at the knife he held in his grubby hand and grinned. He turned it from side to side, the light reflecting off it, onto my face. My eyes burned. I didn’t want to cry in front of these despicable human beings. I widened my eyes to contain my tears, but I was betrayed by one. I looked up at Johnno’s face. His eyes followed my tear as it rolled down my cheek to my jaw line, where it stopped.

  I swallowed, slowly, as I felt the tear gaining volume and become too heavy to stop there. It dropped onto my chest and trickled down to my nipple.

  ‘Who’s the weak one now? You’re crying, like a typical girl!’ He moved the point of the blade to where the tear started on my cheekbone, just below my eye.

  The point of the knife pierced my skin. I closed my eyes as I felt the sharp cutting of my flesh, with a searing pain that screamed at my core. With a slow, torturous speed, the tip of the knife traced the path of my tear—down my cheek to my jaw-line, then onto my chest. I held my breath as the knife followed my tear in a direct path to my nipple—piercing, cutting, tearing. He stopped at my areola.

  I swallowed, hard, standing dead still. Everything inside me was trembling. I could feel blood running down my face, dripping, onto my chest, dribbling, gaining volume and running further down my naked body, pooling at my feet.

  ‘Get on your knees. You will bow to me, slut,’ Jack said.

  ‘I bow to no human! Look up.’ I tried to stop my shaking.

  He looked up, then looked back at me and narrowed his eyes. ‘Bitch. You’ll die!’

  Mia scrambled beside me. She threaded her fingers through mine. She was trembling, her breaths short and hard. I wanted to collapse on the ground, but I couldn’t. I had to hold myself together. I didn’t want the bastards to win.

  Jack lifted his hand to my throat but stopped at the sound of a noise. I changed my grip with Mia, so is was tighter.

  Car lights appeared, and Johnno pushed us.

  Over the cliff edge.

  They say time is constant. It never changes. But I swear when Mia and I were falling that time slowed down. Everything in my life flashed before my eyes, and I knew it would be the end. At least I was with my best friend ...

  ‘Ugh!’ I moaned, as my breath was punched out of me when I became wedged on a tree jutting out from the cliff face. I groaned when I felt a terrible, sharp pain, every time I inhaled the salty air. It was impossibly hard to breathe.

  Mia’s hand was still in mine. I could feel it. Gripping tightly. I looked down. Firstly, at the jagged rocks far below beside the sea, then at my hand holding on to Mia’s. It was covered in roads of blood. My blood. Mia was dangling mid-air and our eyes connected. My chest constricted. The pain in my chest was unbearable and my shoulder was agony. I couldn’t keep hold of her for much longer.

  I watched as a drop of my blood dripped onto her face. Right there, in the middle of her forehead, like she was marked. Another drop of blood fell. She turned her head and it landed on her cheek. Like the kiss of death.

  She turned her face back to mine. ‘I’m terrified, Oliander,’ Mia said, using my childhood nickname. Her voice was filled with terror.

  ‘I’ve got you, Mamma Mia,’ I replied with her nickname.

  ‘Tell my parents I love them ... and my brother.’

  ‘You tell them yourself, Mee. Hear those sirens?’

  Mia’s hand slipped a little more. A little closer to death.

  There were shouts of voices from above and hope bloomed. Just a little longer and we’ll be rescued. Just a little longer...

  I felt Mia’s hand slip a fraction more. But it was more than enough. Her eyes widened in that exact split second and our hands parted.

  ‘Miiiaaaaa!’ I yelled as she fell. I squeezed my eyes shut as her scream pierced my ears. I couldn’t bear to watch her hit the rocks below.
r />   And then her scream stopped.

  The silence of death.

  Nausea made its ugly arrival and I vomited. Hard. I opened my eyes and Mia was there. On the rocks below. Her arm moved. She’s alive?

  I sobbed as I balanced on the hanging tree. I moved my hand that was holding Mia’s. It was covered in blood. My blood. I watched as, drip by drip, it fell to the jagged rocks below.

  Where were our rescuers?

  A net fell beside me. And there was a man with safety gear, looking at me in my nakedness. I looked up at him and felt the blood dripping from my face.

  He swallowed. Hard. He spoke to another man on the other side of me. But the words were a jumble as the sound of a helicopter hovered nearby.

  I vomited, and my vision faded.

  I wiped the tears from my face. ‘It’s your favourite type of day today, Mia. A blue sky with funny floaty clouds. It’s the type of day where we would gather up our kites and go fly them at the park, seeing whose kite could touch the clouds first. Remember all the times our kites ended up in the trees and we would have to climb them to get our kites back. So much fun.’ I smiled.

  I looked over at Xander. ‘I found someone who likes to climb trees as much as we did. You’d like him. He’s a beautiful danseur. That beautiful danseur with the boy germs—do you remember him? You went gooey over him when we were eight and told me a story about the two of you, and I made a funny dark twist to your tale.’

  I wiped more tears from my face. My scar would normally be visible now, but the surgery to make it invisible had been successful.

  I took out my handkerchief and wiped Mia’s headstone. It was shiny now. Like Mia’s soul light. I placed the clover garland on the corner of it, then lay on my stomach on top of her grave. ‘I love you so much it hurts. I miss you every single day. Sometimes I wish I had died with you ...’

  I breathed in the smell of the grass and the dirt.

  ‘I have something to leave with you, Mia. I added sparkles to them because you would have said that the sparkles were ridiculous. But the sparkles remind me of you—your eyes would sparkle when you saw me, and when you thought of a new plan—a new adventure of mischief where we would get ourselves into a muddle and I would have to find the anti-muddle solution.’