Because of You

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  He was in his civilian clothes. A pair of jeans and a heavy coat to protect against the late November air. Part of me was disappointed he wasn’t in uniform. There was something about seeing him in it that made me find him even more attractive. I wasn’t sure if it was the look of authority or the safety I felt in his presence when he had it on or simply the fact Gabe was a good-looking man. Despite the fact he wasn’t in uniform, I was grateful he wasn’t working and we had the whole evening together. Rachel would be home and I wanted my sister and Gabe to get to know each other better, so she’d suggested she make dinner for us all.

  I let go of Gabe’s hand when we got to the door. I took out my key and let us in. I expected to be greeted with the smell of whatever Rachel had decided to make for us when we stepped inside, but I wasn’t. Instead, I found my sister sitting at the counter, a glass of wine in hand and her gaze staring off into nothing.

  She seemed startled when I closed the door behind us. Her head jerked up and her eyes seemed to snap back into reality. She looked over at me and I couldn’t help the anxiety that started to course through my body.

  “What’s the matter, Rache?” I asked immediately. I didn’t have to wait for her to say anything for me to know something was wrong. I could see it in her eyes.

  “It’s Tim,” she said flatly. “He’s dead.”

  I think I might’ve gasped, but I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I couldn’t move. My body was frozen as I stared at my sister.

  “What?” I finally whispered and I felt Gabe’s hand resting gently on my back.

  “He’s dead. Passed away a couple of days ago. In his sleep, I guess.”

  “Oh my gosh,” I said softly, my hand covering my mouth as I tried to understand the feelings inside of me. I’d never lost anyone close to me before, but I knew you should be sad when people die. I knew there should be some kind of sorrow and pain, but I wasn’t feeling any of that. There wasn’t a bone in my body that was feeling any kind of despair over the death of my mother’s husband. All I felt was relief.

  I stood there, unable to move as I lost myself in my mind, wondering if I was a terrible human being for the feelings I was feeling. This couldn’t be normal. It couldn’t be a common reaction to feel a sense of happiness at the loss of someone who’d played such a big role in my life, but I did.

  I felt my eyes fill with tears as I looked at Rachel. She was about to cry too and I finally broke free of the statue I’d become. I walked quickly across the room, wrapping my arms around her. I could feel her shuddering in my arms and then I lost it too. All the pain that man had caused us over the years came flooding out in our tears and I had a feeling Rachel was feeling the same way I was about Tim’s death.

  “When did you find out?” I asked her after a few quiet moments. I’d pulled back and was wiping at my eyes. Rachel grabbed for a napkin and dabbed at her cheeks.

  “Mom called an hour ago just as I was about to make dinner,” she told me.

  “I thought you said it happened a couple of days ago.”

  “I guess it did. Tuesday night it sounds like because when she woke up Wednesday morning he was gone.”

  “And she’s just now calling us?” I asked and then I realized what a dumb question that was. Rachel and I had never been a priority to our mother.

  “I guess she’s been busy planning his service,” Rachel said and then she swallowed hard as her eyes drifted momentarily to the countertop before looking back at me. “She…she wants us to come.”

  I couldn’t move again. If hearing Tim was dead was strange enough, hearing that our mother wanted us to attend the funeral of a man who’d despised us; the man who’d humiliate and beat the crap out of our mother on a daily basis; the man who my sister hadn’t always been able to protect me from, was even stranger.

  “She wants us to come?” I whispered and Rachel nodded.

  “It’s Saturday morning.”

  Our eyes locked again and I couldn’t speak for a few long seconds.

  “I…I can’t believe this. I…I don’t even know what to say,” I stammered.

  “I don’t know what to do either,” she sighed and it grew quiet again.

  “I hated that man,” I finally said, my voice low as I tried to cover up that I was speaking ill of a dead man.

  “I did too,” she admitted and then paused before looking at me. “But, if we go, it’s not for him. It’s for Mom.”

  Her words caused my back to stiffen. I knew Rachel was right. Going to Tim’s funeral wouldn’t be for him at all, but as a sign of support for our mom, which in itself seemed like an outrageous thing to do considering how little our mother had ever supported us.

  “I don’t know,” I said softly and then the sound of a throat being cleared got my attention.

  I turned my head to see Gabe standing by the door. Truthfully, once Rachel started talking, I’d nearly forgotten he was there. I’d gotten so wrapped up in the news that everything else had disappeared.

  Our eyes met and I could see how uncomfortable he was, standing there, being privy to such a private moment. I crossed the room quickly so I was next to him again, reaching out and resting my hand on his arm.

  “I’m sorry, Gabe,” I said quietly. “I got wrapped up with Rachel and what happened.”

  “I don’t want to intrude. I can go,” he said, motioning towards the door.

  “No,” I said quickly. That was the last thing I wanted. “Stay, please.” I looked up into his eyes and I could tell he was uneasy being here in the middle of our business, but I was grateful he was here as I tried to process what had happened.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  “I’m sure,” I answered and then I saw his eyes drift to Rachel’s. Mine followed and she nodded. His eyes came back to mine then.

  “Okay,” he said and I slid my hand into his as we walked back to Rachel.

  “I’m sorry, Gabe. I didn’t even say hello,” Rachel said, looking up regretfully at him.

  “It’s understandable. Is there anything I can do?” Rachel and I looked at each other. We both knew there was nothing he could do. “What about dinner? Let me go pick something up from the Chinese place down the street.”

  Rachel and I looked at each other again. She hadn’t been able to make dinner and despite the emotions, I was hungry. Plus, the food would distract me from the racing of my mind.

  “Actually, that would be so helpful, Gabe,” Rachel said, smiling up at him as best she could.

  “Anything in particular you want?” he asked us both, but we each shook our head.

  “Anything’s fine,” I answered.

  “Okay. I’ll be back soon.” I felt his hand on the small of my back momentarily and then he kissed the top of my head before turning and heading towards the door. Rachel and I both watched him until he was gone and even after that, we were quiet for a few moments. I was grateful for a chance to talk to my sister alone, not like it’d stopped me earlier when I’d pretty much forgotten Gabe was in the room. Still, we needed to talk. We needed to decide what we were going to do.

  “I can’t believe he’s really gone,” I finally said and Rachel sighed.

  “I know,” she said, pausing for a moment. “Can I be honest?” she asked and I nodded. I could tell she was nervous to say whatever it was that was on her mind. “I don’t feel bad about Tim.” Her voice dipped and I could tell she was as hesitant as I was to admit it.

  “I don’t either,” I told her, my voice matching hers.

  “He wasn’t a good man. He was a terrible man,” she said her voice cracking and when I looked into her eyes, I could see the same fear that had been there when we were kids. “What do you think, Sam? Should we go?”

  I didn’t know what to say. I always turned to Rachel for guidance, not the other way around.

  “I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. “I…I need to think about it.”

  “Me too,” she said quietly.

  “How’s Mom?” I asked, surprised th
e question had left my mouth. I don’t know why I cared. She never cared about us.

  “She’s a mess. You know how it is. Tim’s been her life for the past fifteen years. She doesn’t know what she’s going to do without him.”

  “There’s a lot she can do without him,” I mumbled sarcastically and I watched as a smile spread on Rachel’s face. “Too soon?” I asked and she just laughed quietly until it faded and the seriousness of the situation settled in again.

  “Does Gabe know anything about Mom and Tim?” Rachel asked.

  “Yeah,” I said quietly. “He knows enough.”

  She met my eyes and she knew what I meant. He knew enough about our unorthodox upbringing to know by getting involved with me, he was getting involved with someone more complicated than he might be used to.

  “How’s everything else going?” she asked and I knew she was referring to the Tyler situation. I hadn’t told her about the run-in with his father and I didn’t plan to. Rachel had worried enough about me my entire life. I was nearly twenty-two and it was time I start giving her a break.

  “It’s fine,” I said, trying to show her I was okay.

  “Gabe’s been over quite a bit,” she pointed out.

  Ever since meeting with Mr. Reeves, Gabe had become a staple at our apartment. Rachel didn’t ask questions when he left the house in the early morning hours after staying in my room all night. Truthfully, I knew she was grateful to have him around. I knew his presence made her feel safer.

  “Yeah,” I answered with a smile, grateful for a subject that brought me joy instead of fear the way all the talk about Tyler seemed to do. “I…I really like him, Rache.”

  “I know you do. I think he’s pretty fond of you as well.” She grinned back and then she stood up, wrapping me in a long hug before letting go and heading down the hall and to the bathroom.

  It was silent in the apartment as I sat down at the counter. The quiet allowed me to think and that was something I didn’t always want to do, like now. There was a hollowness in me as I thought about the fact that Tim was dead. I didn’t feel an ounce of sorrow, but then I wondered if he’d ever felt any sorrow for what he’d done to my mother. I wondered if he felt any remorse for what he’d done to my sister and I. I wondered if there was any regret for what he took from me. My mind started to drift back to that dark place. The same place I’d go to when I didn’t want to be myself; when I wanted to escape it. A place only I could go. I didn’t want to go back to that place. I hadn’t been there in so long and I never wanted to go back.

  My eyes grew warm as I thought of Tim lying cold and alone in a morgue somewhere. I felt shame for saying it, but he deserved it. He deserved to know what it felt like.

  I closed my eyes and the tears fell silently down my cheeks until the sound of the buzzer jolted me back. My heart was pounding from the start of the sound echoing through the apartment. I quickly composed myself, wiping at my eyes as I got up from the stool at the counter and went to the door.

  “It’s me, Gabe,” his voice called through the intercom and I quickly buzzed him up, a knock on the door following not long after. When I opened the door, he was standing there with a bag of Chinese food and a smile. He was exactly what I needed to see at that moment.

  ~~~

  The living room was dark except the glow of the TV. I was snuggled next to Gabe, an afghan covering us as the movie played. We’d eaten the take-out and sat around talking with Rachel for a while before she’d gone to bed and Gabe and I decided on a movie. It’d been a nice escape for the last two hours, but when the credits started to roll, reality set in again.

  “Have you given any thought to whether or not you’re going to attend you stepfather’s funeral?” he asked softly as he stroked my hair, the music from the movie playing softly in the background.

  “I don’t know yet,” I answered quietly and then left the safety of his embrace, pushing myself up and looking at him. “Truthfully, I don’t know what to do.”

  “What do you feel you should do, when you really think about it?”

  I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment as I thought about his question. It wasn’t an easy one to answer. My mind kept shifting from yes and no and all the reasons why I should or shouldn’t go.

  “Part of me feels I should go,” I finally said. “She’s my mother and she just lost her husband. Our past is complicated, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s my mom. She doesn’t really have anyone but Tim.”

  “But?” he interjected when my voice had faded.

  “But part of me can’t seem to get past the fact she always chose him over us,” I said and then took in a breath before continuing. “She always chose the men in her life over Rachel and I.” My eyes met Gabe’s and I saw the edges of his mouth curl down as he listened to me. I knew this was foreign to him. This life I spoke of and I knew it hurt him to hear about it. “You don’t know what it’s like to wonder when you’re going to eat again or if tonight’s the night he’s finally going to take it too far and kill your mother.”

  “I’m sorry,” Gabe said gently.

  “I’m not looking for pity. I just want you to understand my dilemma. Rachel saved us from that life,” I began, but then hesitated, my eyes focusing onto my lap and the way my hands were twisting nervously. “Maybe that’s not entirely true. She saved us from Tim and the trailer park, but…I don’t think I ever really left. If I had,” I said, bringing my eyes back to his, “I would never have been with someone like Tyler. Someone who treated me the same way Tim treated my mom. They were the same man, just with different size bank accounts.” My throat caught at my last words, at the shame I felt and I looked away again. I felt his palm on my cheek, gently bringing my eyes back to his.

  “Stop blaming yourself. You didn’t know what Tyler was like when you met him.”

  “But I did after the first time he hit me and I stayed. He hit me just like Tim hit my mom and I stayed with him. I have no one to blame but myself.”

  “Stop trying to place blame on anyone, but if you feel the need to blame yourself, think about what you’ve done to move on, to get away from him. It takes guts to confront the situation, especially with someone like Tyler and his family, but you did it. Despite how you feel about your weaknesses of the past, look at how strong you are now.”

  He wasn’t smiling at me, but I could see the light in his eyes as I thought about his words. I’d never had someone in my corner like this. Someone who believed in me the way Gabe did and I was finding his positivity to be infectious because I was actually starting to believe in myself.

  “Maybe if I go,” I began. “Maybe if Rachel and I both go, my mom can see how it can be. How she doesn’t have to be afraid anymore. Maybe things can change between us. It’s not too late, is it?”

  “It’s never too late,” he answered.

  “Maybe we should go then,” I said quietly.

  “I think you have your answer,” he replied and I nodded.

  “Yeah, I think I do.”

  Twenty-Four

  Even though Worcester wasn’t that far from Boston, it felt like ages since I’d been back. Not since I’d graduated high school and Rachel and I moved to Boston. It was old and industrial looking and there was always a strange smell as you drove along the interstate. It wasn’t a glamorous town by any means and it lacked the charm so common of many places in New England. My sister used to say it was the armpit of Massachusetts and as I looked out the window, I’d have to agree. Then again, maybe it was my bias taking over because there were no good memories in this town. It was simply a place I’d once lived.

  When I told Rachel I thought we should go, she was hesitant, but after my explanation, she saw my point, even if she didn’t completely agree with it and we decided to go. It would only be for a day and I told myself I could handle a day.

  Gabe had offered to drive us. When he first broached the subject, I wanted to tell him hell no. If my stories weren’t enough to scare him away, seeing first han
d where I came from would. When I saw the concern in his eyes though, I’d agreed. Deep down, I knew this was going to be hard enough and having him there would make it a little easier.

  Rachel sat in the backseat, her nose buried in a book while I sat in the passenger seat, looking out the window at the old smoke stacks and abundance of crumbling brick buildings, that familiar smell permeating the car. My eyes focused ahead then and I saw the glowing white dome of the train station. It was a beautiful building that stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the others.

  Gabe’s eyes were on the road, listening to his phone guide us to my mom’s house. He exited off the interstate and we made our way to the outskirts of Worcester where the trailer park where I’d spent much of my childhood came into view. Gabe slowed the car down as he made his way down the street. I felt a lump in my throat when my mom’s place came into view. It was just as I’d remembered it. Gabe must’ve sensed my anxiety because he reached across the console and took my hand. I looked at him and he smiled at me for a second, trying to reassure me, before focusing back on the road.

  He eased the car to a stop in front of the mobile home and I heard Rachel sigh from the backseat. I knew she was as excited to be here as I was and our eyes met for a few seconds before we got out of the car.

  “Looks the same, doesn’t it?” she asked quietly as we stood side by side.

  “Yeah,” I said, my eyes wandering over the trailer.