Sempiternal

by K. Renee

  I’ll just become invisible again. No one will even care if I wind up missing. My life will become pointless unless I can figure out a way to save Jerick. I can make it so that he doesn’t lose his livelihood. His family is everything; I could hear it in his voice when he spoke about them. He loves his dad even though they’ve had a rough patch recently. I think I was more to blame for than anything else. He lost a lot by standing up for me to his family.

  As soon as I come up to my apartment, I feel cold. Slowly walking towards the building, I try to keep my emotions in check, but it’s no use. The last time I was here was when those men tried to kill me. Jerick saved me. He packed up my things and moved me out of here because it wasn’t safe.

  I miss him so damn much.

  Opening the door slowly, I scan the bare room before walking inside and shutting the door behind me. The locks are fixed, and the mess that I left is nowhere to be seen. A few pieces of furniture were left behind, but that’s good for me. It means that I won’t have to sleep on the cold hard ground while I hide out in plain sight.

  Keeping all the lights to the apartment off, I shuffle around the room, trying to find anything that they left behind that I can still use. It doesn’t take long for me to find a few things that were left in the cupboards to eat. I see a few granola bars and even some instant oatmeal that I don’t even remember buying. Sighing, I collapse on the couch and stare at the blank wall that once held a small flat screen TV that I bought with my first paycheck.

  A tear slips down my face as I think about all I’ve lost.

  I’ll never get another chance to be with a man like Jerick. Who am I kidding, I don’t want a man like Jerick, I want him. Closing my eyes, I try to think of anything other than him, but it’s no use. I’m broken. A former shell of the woman I was with him. Maybe I’ll be able to move past him one day, but perhaps I’ll just die in the process. Possibly one of his men will deal the final blow to the nails in my coffin, and he will never have to deal with me again.

  It would probably make him happy anyway.

  The bright morning sun shines in the room, and I scramble to my feet. Running to the bathroom as quickly as I can, I barely make it to the toilet before I throw up. My stomach turns, and all I get out is bile and spit. The ache in my stomach as I continue to dry heave is almost too much to take.

  Maybe the stress of the situation is getting to me. Maybe I just need to eat something. I can’t remember the last time I ate.

  Once I don’t feel like I have to throw up anymore, I flush the toilet and move to the sink. Washing my mouth out with water, I spit, and I swear I might throw up again. Nothing seems to work as I try to settle my stomach and something Cara said to me hits me right in the gut.

  “God, you don’t even know how terrible morning sickness is. I swear it takes over two hours before I can even move away from the toilet every morning. It’s the worst thing ever.”

  I didn’t really think about it because I was told that I might never have children after the accident. I cried in front of Cara as we talked about it.

  I just stare at myself in the mirror. My skin is pale, and my hair is a wild mess. What am I going to do? I can’t just go and find him and tell him that I think I might be pregnant. Biting the inside of my lip, I try to figure out what my next move is going to be. I have no money for a pregnancy test and I sure as heck don’t have any money for food. Pregnant women need food.

  Sinking to the bathroom floor, I start to cry. I cry for all the things that I’ve lost, and I cry for all the things that this child will suffer. He or she may never get to be born, and if the baby is born, he or she may never get to know its father. I may never see him again. I want to see him again, to tell him that I’m sorry and that I never meant to hurt him.

  I know that he probably wouldn’t listen to me or care what was going on in my life since it didn’t concern him anymore, but he deserves to know. If I am in fact pregnant, I want him to know.

  Leaving the bathroom floor almost seems impossible as I continue to think about the things I need to do today. Maybe I can go to Max and ask him to let me borrow some money until I can get back on my feet. It’s the least he can do since he pretty much ruined everything I had with Jerick. I know that I am to blame too since I was the one stupid enough to help him, but I’ve always been loyal to a fault, and I hurt myself in the process. I should have just went back to bed. Maybe then I wouldn’t be terrified to find out if I’m in fact pregnant or not.

  When I can finally pull myself up from the bathroom floor, I walk into the living room area almost like a zombie. I don’t know what to do first, but getting a test is probably one of the more essential tasks besides food. Walking towards the front door, I notice an envelope under it.

  Reaching down, I grab the envelope, and my hands start to shake. Who would have left this for me? It wasn’t there when I got here last night. Letting out a shaky breath, I slowly slide my finger under the flap, tearing it open. I try to get my trembling hands under control, but it’s difficult.

  Pulling the contents out of the envelope, I see a note and a stack of hundreds.

  I thumb through the money, and I hold it to my chest as I realize that it’s over five thousand dollars. The only person I know with access to any amount of money that is more than a few hundred dollars is Jerick. He collects money for his father so it would be easy to come up with that type of cash. Plus, I remember the kind of car he drives and how fancy his apartment was when he took me there.

  My eyes start to water as I read over his note to me.

  Stana Ruslov,

  Being with you will never be something I regret. Saving you that night was the chance that I needed to finally break free from the shit that I was handed from my da. You saved me in a lot of ways, and I will always love you for that.

  As pissed as I was that you chose him, I understand. He is more the type to settle down and become the father of your children. You need someone who can give you everything you want, and I’m not that guy. I love you. Please find happiness.

  Jerick Brannigan

  Tears start to fall down my face, and I can’t look at the letter any longer. I let it slip through my fingers as I think about his words a little longer. He’s not fighting for me. Disappointment stings as I think about the way his letter went. He is okay with me being with Max.

  “I hate you,” I whisper into the empty room.

  I wish I meant something more to him. I hoped he would have fought for me instead of just giving up.

  Pocketing some of the money, I put the rest in my old hiding place in the cabinet under the sink in the kitchen. Once I have the rest hidden, I make my way to the front door to go in search of a pregnancy test and some food. Maybe even a couple of pairs of underwear and some clothes.

  Thirty-Two

  Jerick

  One Month Later

  Scrolling through me contacts, I stop on Stana’s, and I feel me body go cold. I fecking miss the shit out of her. I want so bad fer her to be with me.

  The front door slams open with a loud bang and I crane me neck to see who the feck is coming in the house. A pregnant Cara comes around the corner, and I can tell her belly has grown since I last saw her a few weeks ago. I moved out of Conaill’s place and into the home the Rory got fer Stana and me before it all went to hell.

  “Jerick!” A yell comes from the kitchen. Getting up from the couch, I make me way towards where I can hear Cara’s voice, and I stop short. She has her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face.

  “What love?” I ask, staring at the phone that is sitting there.

  “You need to see this,” she states, pulling out a barstool and taking a seat on it. Her belly touches the counter, and I can’t help but laugh at her. Every time any of us mention the stomach she’s getting she throws a damn fit, bitching that she’s getting fat.

  “See what?” I ask, coming to stand next to her. She motions down to her phone, and I pick it up and look at the screen. My eyes widen when I s
ee what the photo is. “Where did ye get this?” I choke out. She gives me a dirty look like she doesn’t believe that I don’t know. “Cara, just fecking tell me. Where did ye get this photo?”

  She stares at me fer a second before she asks, “You really didn’t know someone was following her?” I shake my head no and look over at her. “There are more.” I slide my finger to the side and see picture after picture of Stana.

  “Did you know?” Cara asks, a sad look coming over her features. I shake my head no and continue to stare at the photo I started on. Stana is standing in the store with a pregnancy test in her hand as she reads over the box. She’s pregnant. “We talked about pregnancy the last time I saw her, and she said that she couldn’t get pregnant. Maybe it’s just a false alarm?” I close me eyes as I listen to her.

  Part of me feels terrified that I could possibly become a father. I know she won’t say anything to me after the way I treated her at Conaill’s. Setting Cara’s phone down, I walk around the counter to go and grab my phone from the living room.

  As I grab me phone, it starts to ring in me hand. I see me Da’s number, and I hit the answer button and put it to me ear. “Aye, Da,” I say in greeting. I really don’t want to talk to him right now since I have more pressing matters to deal with. I need to find Stana and find out if she is in fact pregnant. Unless… I don’t finish that thought because I know she wouldn’t have jumped into the sack with someone right after I all but kicked her out.

  She isn’t that type of lass. “I need ye and Liam to go down to the docks tonight.” I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. That sounds fecking off. We don’t do work at the docks fer a few reasons. It’s not a place we can control, and we don’t like our odds if the guard ever caught onto our trails.

  “Why the docks?” I ask, trying to think of a reason fer what he’s telling me.

  “We got some information about a deal. I need me best lads on this. It could be a large score if everything goes to plan.”

  “What’s the plan?” I question, needing more information than he’s providing.

  “We might be heading into a new revenue source. So be prepared to try the merchandise.” I roll me eyes at his insinuation. There is no way in hell I’ll be trying any of his drugs or whatever it is he is trying to get us involved in this time. Liam is a loose cannon and will do anything to make a buck. I, on the other hand, don’t want anything to do with that shit. I just want to find Stana and ask her about being knocked up.

  “Aye, Da. I’ll be there. Just text me the information.” I hang up before he can say anything else about me having to work with me brother. I hate the fecker and would rather not have to be in the same vicinity as him fer very long.

  Once I get off the phone with me Da, I call Rory and ask how the feck he got the damn photos in the first place. “Aye,” he answers on the fourth ring.

  “Cara is here. She was showing me a few pictures. How the hell did ye get them?” One thing Rory isn’t is a damn rat. He would never go against me. He’s been by me side fer as long as I can remember and he is one of me best friends.

  “Jerick,” he starts; not giving me more information than he thinks is necessary. He’s more of the calm and collected in instances like this than I am and most times I act before I think about what the right reasoning would be.

  “Don’t fecking Jerick me. How long have ye known?” I’m so fecking mad that I can feel my blood start to boil in me veins. I need the information, and I need it now.

  “I don’t know who got the photos. Someone that I can’t trace sent them to me. We need to figure out who knows about her before they get leaked to the family, and they kill her. I would have told ye, but ye were so damn stubborn about her when shit went down that I didn’t want to add to the shit on yer plate. I know ye Jerick. Ye would have gone in and said some shit that she didn’t need to hear.” I sigh as I listen to him.

  Part of me knows that he is right, but I don’t say it. I just continue to listen to him talk about how the photos were delivered to him by email. He goes on about how he tried to trace the IP address but came up blank on the damn thing.

  “I want ye to keep trying to track it down. I want to know who sent them and I want the information now. I know it’s going to take some time, but I don’t know how long she’s going to have if that’s…” I trail off. I don’t know if I should assume that the kid is mine.

  “Aye. I will get ye the info as soon as I get it.”

  “Thanks, Rory,” I reply before adding, “Don’t be hard on her fer telling me.” A chuckle comes from the line, and I know he won’t be mad at her. He loves her more than anything and wouldn’t let something like this happen between them.

  My mind starts to race, and I know that I need to go and find her. I need to make things right with her and beg her to come back to me. With things not as tense with the family, I will be able to take care of her and keep her hidden from them. They won’t understand, but I won’t leave her or me child out in this shitty world with nothing more than a tiny apartment and hardly any money.

  Walking into me kitchen, I see Cara twiddling her thumbs together, just waiting to see what I am going to say to her about Stana. “I talked to Rory, and he’s working on trying to get information on the person who took these photos and sent them to him. He isn’t mad at ye either.”

  She laughs at that. “I knew he wouldn’t be. If he were in your position, he would have wanted Stana to do the same thing. He would want to know that he was going to be a father.” I grin at her.

  “Ye really think that she’s pregnant with me child?” Her eyes change almost like she is afraid to give me the straight answer.

  “She could be, but I don’t know. She told me that she wasn’t able to have children, something about being in a horrible accident when she was younger. She said the doctor’s told her it was impossible to get pregnant. Maybe she has a friend or something…” She trails off as she tries to think of another explanation.

  “It doesn’t matter. I know she wouldn’t have told me if she was pregnant, but seeing that photo, I have to find her and find out the truth.” Cara gives me a frown, and I know she doesn’t think I should go to her. She probably thinks that I should just leave well enough alone, but I can’t. I need to know. I can’t live wondering if I’m going to be a da.

  “I’ll drop ye off at home,” I say as I grab me wallet, phone, and gun.

  “Is it okay if I go with you? I mean, she might not want to talk to you because of how things ended, but she might talk to me.” She points down to her belly and shrugs. “I mean, we are kind of in the same boat.”

  As much as I don’t want her to go with me, I know she has a point. Stana will want nothing to do with me. Cara will have a better chance at getting her to open the door and let her in than I would. “Ay, let’s go before I change me mind.”

  She giggles and presses a kiss to me cheek before grabbing me hand and dragging me out of me place and towards me car.

  The ride to the apartment that Stana used to rent is quick, and Cara and I spend the drive mainly in silence. “What are you going to say to her?” she asks, breaking through me thoughts of all things Stana and a galya baby.

  “I don’t know,” I answer honestly. I have no idea what I’ll say to her, but I need to at least know if she’s knocked up with me child.

  “I swear you guys can be so frustrating. If you don’t have anything nice to say, I suggest you figure it out before we go in there. She’ll be pissed if you just show up and act like a dick.” I roll me eyes at her. Does she really think that I will act like a dick right off the bat?

  “I won’t be a dick,” I mutter as I pull into the apartment complex. She doesn’t know it, but I am getting Stana to come back with me. If she is pregnant, then I won’t leave her out in the open alone. I will do everything in me power to make sure she’s safe and protected at all times. I don’t care if she doesn’t want anything to do with me if that’s me child she will have no choi
ce.

  Parking, I wait for a second and stare up at the apartment that I know is hers. The lights are off, and I don’t see any movement in the windows. Getting out, I wait for Cara, and we walk towards the apartment in silence. She doesn’t say anything as I start to knock on the door and it feels like an eternity before I hear anything on the other side of the door.

  “Stana?” Cara’s voice calls out softly through the door. “It’s me, Cara.” I hear footsteps as we wait and when the door opens, I suck in a breath.

  She’s still just as beautiful as I remember. Her hair is pulled up in a ponytail, and she’s got dark circles under her eyes like she hasn’t been sleeping. I want so bad to reach out and touch her, but I hold back. I don’t want to spook her, so I just stand there staring at her.

  Cara goes inside and wraps her arms around Stana, leaving Stana speechless. She doesn’t say a word about why we are there at her apartment, but she reluctantly lets us through the door. As I pass by her, I can smell the perfume that she always wears and me heart is in me throat.

  “You look so cute,” Stana says, pulling back from Cara. Her eyes move to Cara’s belly before she puts her hand on her own stomach.

  I watch her, and when she looks up, her hands fall away, and she turns to walk away from me. Her expression is harder than I remember from the timid lass I met months ago. “Stana,” I say, walking towards her and reaching a hand out. As soon as me fingers touch her skin, I feel as if I was burned.

  “What Jerick?” She asks sounding exhausted.

  “I want ye to come back with me,” I murmur coming closer to her. Me hand slides around her back, and her body goes stiff. She doesn’t move away from me, so I count that as a win.