A Twist of Fate

by T Gephart

  Matt pulled the duvet off my bed and wrapped it around me; his arms encircling me once more in their protective hold. “Lexi, I’m here. Let me be that person for you, everyone needs someone.”

  “I guess I’m so used to being on my own,” I started “My mum and Dad weren’t abusive, they were downright normal, but they just weren’t interested in me. I was not what they had envisaged as a daughter. I’m sure I was a great disappointment. I just got used to it, to their indifference, their lack of attention and lack of support - I used it to spur me on, to better myself, to move on. I wasn’t a victim, I evolved but I guess part of me still hoped to fill that void. To be loved, to be adored. I never got that from them. So when HE came into the picture, I was primed. He saw that in me, he knew, he saw my weakness.” I took a breath before continuing, “I was in my first year of Uni. Young, full of life, lots of friends - the typical stuff. I was far from being a virgin but I’d never had a real boyfriend. He pursued me, he was charming. I have to admit, I liked being chased. He made me feel vibrant, alive, important. I guess I missed that as a kid, so it was lacking. Like some fucked up Freudian anomaly. He had found his hook.

  “He was subtle in his ways, he would revere me and be so sweet, but there was some small dark undertone that drew me in, like he needed me MORE than I needed him. I imagined we would be amazing together, fulfilling each other’s needs, sharing our dreams, desires. He made it look like HE was dependent on me, like he was the one who needed care. He made me feel like I was in the driver’s seat. I would buy him clothes and would always pay when we went out. It made me feel empowered. We were both students but he didn’t have a job or a car so I was happy to do this for him, for us. He told me he loved me, that he would die without me. He told me how much I meant to him and to my affection-starved ears those words were exactly what I needed to hear.

  “We would spend every second together; I would ditch my classes just to be with him. I started seeing my friends less and less. I rationalized that this was what love was and that’s what you do but they didn’t understand. A few tried to warn me about him but I thought they were jealous, that they wanted what I had. A man who worshiped me, who wanted to be with me all the time - surely that showed how much he loved me? Time wore on and his subtle ways became more blatant but by this stage I was desensitized, reliant on his attention, his affection. It was my fault. Here was a man who loved me so much and I wasn’t willing to buy him a new computer game or skip the movies with friends to hang out with him? I must have been a horrible girlfriend. He spent my money like it was infinite, I didn’t mind, cause I liked to please him. Then he started to crack my self esteem. Not a lot, just little jabs. I had better skip dessert or I wasn’t going to fit into my jeans; how thin and beautiful his previous girlfriend had been; how much better I would look if I just wore this or styled my hair like that. I wanted to please him so I did, I allowed him to control me. I looked to him for permission, for guidance, for reassurance... for love.

  “We had been together just over two years and I was entrenched in his web when the taunts began. How no other man would want me, how lucky I was to be with him, to be with anyone. How fat I was, how ugly, how he understood why my parents found it hard to love me. I believed him, how could I not, he had systematically programmed me to be compliant, to be reliant, to be HIS. I hardly had any friends left, they had dropped off after the repeated times I ditched them to be with him. My family... well, there were no surprises there. I was alone; I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I made a decision without considering him, if not consulting him. I was defeated, completely defeated.

  “I was tidying up his apartment when I found a receipt for a restaurant. I didn’t recognise it. We hadn’t eaten there and the name didn’t ring any bells. I looked at the time stamp, 4am. In my gut I knew, I knew this wasn’t right but I refused to believe it. He loved me; there must be some kind of explanation. I hid the receipt in my bag and when I got home I called the number... What kind of restaurant operates at 4am? It was a brothel. He had cheated on me with a prostitute. A prostitute Matt, a fucking prostitute. I did anything he wanted sexually, I didn’t understand. Why? Why did he cheat on me? He said he loved me.” I squeaked, my voice barely audible.

  Matt stared at me, his mouth open; almost speechless. “What did you do?” he winced.

  “I called him, asked him to explain, he admitted to me what he’d done. I wanted to tell him we were through, that it was a deal breaker. I was so devastated; he had been my world for so long. He admitted to visiting the brothel but said he was “Just talking” to the prostitute, because I was so inattentive. He said he had no choice; I had driven him to it. If I wasn’t so distant, so self-engrossed I would have been more available to him. He wouldn’t have needed to seek someone else. The worst part was, I bought it... I believed him. I stayed with him for another 3 months. 3 more months, I let him torment me, cheat on me, break me, blame me until I was literally devoid of any feeling at all, numb. Then when I was no longer able to fight him anymore, he left.” I stared blankly into the distance, remembering how alone and broken I had been.

  “Oh my God Lexi, I am so sorry. I am so sorry” Matt kissed my face tenderly. “What kind of monster does that? No wonder you don’t want a relationship. Fuck Lexi... that was fucked up, he was fucked up. You know that right? HE was fucked up, not you - it wasn’t your fault.” His eyes pleaded for me to believe him.

  “I allowed myself to slip down the rabbit hole Matt, I allowed myself to not be important, to not matter. I take ownership of that. But yes I know it was a game, I know it was HIS doing. I just can’t take that risk; I can’t take a chance of giving myself again and possibly slipping down that hole once more. It hurt too much, I won’t allow it to happen.” My voice trailed off. Now he knew. When we started our friendship I had told him how fucked up I was, but now he knew.

  “Lexi, you know we aren’t all like that right? That was one major asshole but we aren’t ALL like that,” his voice was insistently urgent.

  “I know Matt, but I just made a choice for me. That I would be my first priority, seeing no one else was going to do that for me. I needed to. It’s worked out fine until this point. Most guys are fine with sex with no strings, sure a couple think that I’m a challenge and try the “let’s date” line but for the most part what I do is safe, it’s secure, there is no risk” I reasoned.

  “But Lexi, there are so many things you are missing out on, what real relationships are like- supportive, loving... God I don’t even know where to start. What he did to you, it wasn’t right Lexi, and no one should ever be subjected to that. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t a relationship. It was control,” he growled, his eyes enraged. “Lexi, I think you need to tell Alex...”

  “NO!” I snarled, “There is no fucking way, I can’t believe I told you. I am NOT telling Alex.”

  “Lexi, he is obviously interested in more than just sex,” he retorted. “He has to know why you are the way you are. So he can understand. He will understand, Lex. He will see why you are keeping your distance. He needs to know.”

  “No! It’s probably over anyway. Either way, I’m not telling him,” I confirmed decidedly.

  “Lexi, don’t tell me it’s just sex, you know you can’t lie to me. Don’t tell me you don’t feel something for him. He clearly has feelings for you or he wouldn’t have turned up here today. What the fuck is he even doing in town anyway? Shouldn’t he be miles away? You have been so happy the last few weeks and I know he’s the reason, don’t throw it away because of fear, Lex... Don’t let something good end because of a psychopathic asshole who never deserved you.” He warned. “God, I want to find this motherfucker and seriously fuck him up.” My heart warmed at the thought of my friend defending me.

  “Matt, it was a long time ago. Look at me, I got through it. I am a stronger person, he isn’t relevant anymore” I muttered.

  “Lexi, no one is de
nying how amazing you are, but you need to know it’s ok to let someone in.” He embraced me tighter.

  “I have you, don’t I?” I winked.

  “Yeah, of course you have me but this Alex guy, you should give him a chance. Lex, you should allow yourself the chance as well.” He soothed.

  “I don’t know Matt, I just don’t know.” I breathed out and shut the conversation down. “No more talking! I’m freezing and I promised you lunch. I’m leaving in a few days and I’ll be damned if the last time we spend together is me crying naked on my floor!”

  I lifted myself up and pushed Matt out of my door, finding solace in my now empty room. I was going to shake myself from this mood if it was the last thing I did. Alex’s awkward departure still left a bitter taste in my mouth and I wasn’t sure how I was feeling. Was I hurt that he thought I was sleeping around or was I scared that he seemed to want more commitment? What did I want? Was it really just sex with no strings? Maybe there was more? I sat on the edge of my bed as I contemplated, really searched for what my true, inner voice was trying to say.

  Lexi, you are falling in love with him. It was never just sex.

  NO! It can’t be. I’ve been so careful. This is not what I signed up for. It’s probably over now anyway, I saw the hurt in his eyes when he left. He wants what I can’t give him and let’s face it; he wasn’t a man exactly “short” on options. He could have his pick of virtually any woman, someone who’d fall all over themselves to please him, who’d be emotionally available too. It’s for the best- it has to be. I have to move on; I have to suck it up. I just need to find a nice piece of ass to distract me until this emotion (whatever it is) passes. I was startled from my train of thought by the buzz of my phone.

  - Lexi, I’m sorry. I want to see you. I need to see you. No labels, just us - Alex xx

  - Alex, I think we both have to agree this isn’t working out. Maybe it’s best if we just left it here. It’s been fun but I know you want more than I can give you. I don’t think you understand. I’m just not THAT person. I’m sorry. Lexi xx

  - No! I won’t lose you Lexi! I can’t! We will work this out. I won’t pressure you to sleep over anymore. Your terms, whatever they are, will be met. I don’t walk away from something I want because it’s too much work- I am not THAT person.

  - Just walk away Alex. Lexi xx

  Why wouldn’t he just give up? Was he a masochist? Why was this that important to him?

  “Lexi?” Matt’s voice snapped me away from my phone.

  “Just a minute,” I called as I quickly threw on jeans and a t-shirt, quietly relieved he hadn’t texted back. I examined my reflection, “Ugghhhh... you will do” and walked out into the lounge room.

  There sat Matt sharing a beer and what looked to be a relaxed conversation with none other than Alex. My heart jumped up into my throat as I struggled to breathe. I grabbed onto the wall to steady myself from the shock. I watched the two men intently as they turned to face me. Matt stood up and took a step toward me.

  “Don’t be pissed Lex,” he warned. “I invited him in.”

  “Why would you do that?” I snapped before facing Alex. “Why won’t you just leave?” My voice mixed with anger and agitation. Matt took another step closer in an attempt to block my path to Alex; I think he actually believed I was going to take a swing.

  “Because we’re not done yet,” Alex snapped back at me stepping closer toward me, not the slightest bit concerned with the possibility of being on the receiving end of a blow.

  “Everyone needs to calm the hell down,” Matt breathed, his body a barrier between the two of us.

  “Let me say my piece and then I will walk away, no questions asked,” Alex reaffirmed without hesitation. His voice softened as his clear blue eyes locked onto mine. “I will walk away Lexi, if that’s what you want.”

  “Fine, you have 5 minutes, make it count” I shot back, not wanting to sound cruel but unable to help the venomous tone that spilled from my lips.

  Matt shifted his weight and turned on his heel to face me. I knew he was only trying to help but my irritation had now extended to him as he looked at me. “Tell him” he mouthed before stepping aside. “I trust you both can keep this civil?” He asked as he cast glances at both Alex and I.

  “You have my word,” Alex responded calmly, his gaze remained locked on me.

  “Ok then, I’ll be outside.” Matt explained before stepping out the door to give us time and space to “talk”.

  Alex moved in closer. “Lexi,” he breathed, tension radiating from his eyes, “I meant what I said earlier, I will not push you for something you don’t want to give me. But you have to admit, we have something here. I know you can feel it. I can’t walk away from it. I can’t walk away from you. Whatever it is that you feel you’re not, it doesn’t matter to me. I only want what you are. Do you understand? I want you in whatever capacity you are willing to give yourself to me.” He took another step closer so that there was very little space between our bodies; I felt the zap of electricity as his hand grazed my arm. He winced as I took a step back.

  “Lexi...” he purred as he cocked his head to the side, his eyes filled with confusion “Talk to me, I’m not a mind reader.” I felt my chest constrict as I shook my head. How could I tell him that I desperately wanted to be with him, that every minute I spent with him it was like breathing pure oxygen but I knew that I could never give myself entirely to him? I knew that no matter what he was saying to me now, he would eventually tire of my “unavailability” and he would seek comfort elsewhere. How could I tell him I would never be able to trust him, or myself for that matter, and that the thought of saying or hearing the words “I LOVE YOU” made me want to throw up?

  I took a deep breath and tried to regulate my breathing. There was only one resolution to this mess; I would have to let him go. “You misunderstood Alex, this was just sex. There is nothing here. I’m sorry but I feel nothing for you.” I met his gaze and struggled to force the lie out of my mouth, but I didn’t flinch. I couldn’t flinch. I had to do this, if I cared about him, I had to let him go. His eyes swelled with hurt as he searched to read mine.

  “You don’t mean that. I know you don’t mean that,” he argued, his brow furrowed as he pressed his mouth into a thin line.

  “I’m sorry Alex... I didn’t mean to mislead you. It wasn’t my intention to take it this far. I thought we were just having fun. I’m sorry” I could no longer face him, his face contorted as if I’d delivered a physical blow. I hated watching the pain I knew I was responsible for inflicting, but this was a small price to pay to save us both even greater pain later down the track. I was doing him a favour. He would forget about this, about me and move on. I turned away from him, feeling my voice starting to falter and my resolve waning.

  “Just go Alex,” I insisted “there is nothing here for you.” I struggled to keep my tears at bay. I felt him take a step toward me before backing off and letting out a deep sigh.

  “Ok Lexi. Good bye,” he whispered and then I heard his footsteps walk out the door.

  Chapter 17 – New Beginnings, Old Endings

  As much as I hadn’t wanted to do, my last few days in Melbourne were spent mourning. Matt had come back in after my chat with Alex to find me still and withdrawn. I had not reacted how I’d expected, I honestly thought I would have been ok with moving on, but deep down my heart was aching. I longed for our closeness, for our connection. I desperately wanted to hear his voice or read his flirty text messages, but they didn’t come. It was over. Matt had tried to convince me to call him and talk to him but I explained that it was easier this way. I knew he had probably jumped the next flight to New York the minute he set foot outside my door. I wasn’t going to toy with his emotions any more than I already had.

  “Lexi, how the hell are you going to work with Alex now?” Matt tried to help me sort through my mess of thoughts.

  “I’ll do what I always do - push through it. My job is the one thing that I know I am good
at. I’ve worked too hard to let my own stupidity to ruin this amazing chance. I will find a way to work through this, to see Alex, to do my job and for it not to hurt.” The last bit I wasn’t so sure of but I would work on it.

  Matt and I had spent every last minute together, as if trying to absorb each other before my extended absence. I had completely opened up to Matt and while he knew how I’d fallen for Alex, he didn’t understand why I gave him up but he supported my decision. I craved Alex’s touch so much and having Matt there softened the blow. He had driven me to the airport the day I left and we shared a teary goodbye. I was going to miss him.

  Arrivals on Flight VX406 please proceed to baggage claim at carousel 10 in Terminal 4. Please do not leave your luggage unattended at any time. Thank you and welcome to Kennedy Airport.

  A loud, brash American voice boomed from a speaker above my head. My flight had been extremely pleasant but uneventful. Chris had organised first class tickets and even though I had flown first class before, it never got old. I still loved the little perks, the extra room and the extra attentiveness of the flight crew.

  I strolled over to baggage claim and collected my suitcases. I had slept on the plane so I wasn’t tired, but I still couldn’t help yawning.

  I was overly hot; dressed in jeans, a long sleeve cotton top and woollen pea coat, but I knew winter in New York was chilly so thought it best to dress preparedly. I passed through immigration and customs quickly and walked out to the arrivals area.

  I was surprised to be welcomed by Hannah’s smiling face. She looked amazing, as always. Her face beamed as she waved excitedly in my direction. She was flanked by two burly gentlemen who wore sunglasses, large coats and were chewing gum furiously.