"Probably."
"Wait!" I yelled, throwing up my arms. "You can't feed Fractious the mule to a dragon!"
"Oh, he won't mind," Cu said.
"He might," I said, finding I'd become kind of fond of that stupid mule who bore my name.
Fractious the mule gave a quick bray, but that was only because Cu yanked on his lead line as he kicked his pony to a trot.
I tottered along behind them, my pony kicking up his heels and me kicking my feet to catch up. My pony purposefully ran beneath a low hanging branch in a pretty good attempt to knock me off. His success only lasted a moment when I got up, dusted myself off and took a couple of running steps to catch up to his little self. I vaulted over his back end like Zorro onto Tornado and got myself seated again, my feet once more dragging on the ground. I felt I would have been faster if I was walking, but I didn't want to make the pony feel bad or, even worse, feel useless.
* * * *
Later in the day, we came to the base of a decent sized mountain range. I stood at the bottom of a trail, looking up as it wound away deeper into the mountain. "We're gonna ride up that?"
Cu was on his feet too, holding the reins of his pony. He was drinking from his wine skin and making me jealous. "No, we're not riding," he said, wiping red wine droplets from his chin, making me even more jealous. "We walk. It's too steep to ride the ponies. They can walk. We'll need them when we get to the top."
"Where the dragon is," I said with a gulp.
"Shut up."
We began to lead our ponies up the trail, me following behind Cu and the mule. I began to feel some sadness at the possible loss of Fractious the mule, but I thought it was better to lose him then to have to give up my life to this dragon. Then again, that would probably make me next in line to be the pack mule, which wouldn't be the highlight of my day.
The path wound around and around, sometimes narrowing to the point where rock walls crowded us on two sides. Sometimes the rock walls would drop away and a steep cliff would appear off to one side. I led my pony, who seemed indifferent to the varying surroundings. Fractious the mule gave a snort each time the rock walls dropped off and cliffs appeared, but that was the extent of his complaints. Cu said nothing and neither did his pony.
So I trailed along behind all of them, with my pony leading me as I hung onto his tail. I watched carefully where I was putting my feet, lest I step wrong and end up slipping and possibly falling off a cliff. It wasn't the most pleasant hike I'd ever done, but it wasn't the most unpleasant either.
The most unpleasant was one where I'd lost my right shoe in a deep mud puddle and had to walk around with only the left shoe. After a while I lost the left one in a pile of what I could only assume was bear dung. At least this all occurred on the way back down a trail so I didn't have to hike all the way to my destination without shoes. It was the longest and hardest walk back from my girlfriend's house I've ever done.
I'll never date a woman from Sierra Madre ever again.
Any hoot, Cu and I walked for more hours than I cared to count. Finally we reached the end of the path. It wasn't too bad of a hike after all except for the sheer cliffs, the occasional vertigo and the threat of falling to my death. No big deal.
At the top of the mountain, at the end of the trail, we came to a large cave cut into the side of the mountain itself. It led off into the darkness, deep into the rock, and I could only assume that it came out the other side. Somewhere inside, also just an assumption, was a dragon who was going to probably eat both me and Fractious the mule. I wasn't looking forward to either meal.
"You coming?" Cu said as he began to venture inside.
"Have you ever been here before?" I said, tentatively following in his wake as he disappeared into the darkness.
"No," Cu said. "Why would I have ever come here before?"
"Dunno," I muttered. "You seem to know where you're going."
"Do you see any other route?"
"No," I said as darkness swallowed me and my pony and I waited for the mountain's stomach acids to begin digesting us all. "How are we going to find our way around in the darkness?"
I got no response.
"Cu?" I said, then yelled, "Cu!" in a panic.
"What?" he hollered back, his voice echoing around me.
"Nothing," I said. "Just wanted to make sure you hadn't left me alone."
"Don't give me any ideas," Cu said with a chuckle. "But that's the best idea you've had since I've met you."
I pouted, although he couldn't see me. Instead of trying to make a snide remark, I just continued to walk along, keeping my pony's reins tight in my hand lest I lose the only link I had to any living thing.
It only took a couple of minutes to come into the light. Surprised, I stood blinking behind Fractious the mule, who had halted when we entered the lit chamber. On the walls there were torches with fake bulbs that were flickering and made to look like firelight. I examined one with curiosity, wondering just how anyone obtained electricity in this place. It was a bit weird and unnerving.
I didn't get much time to think on it as Cu gave a huge yank on Fractious the mule's lead line and the mule got going again. Once more I found myself following in his wake. He seemed to know this place pretty well for never having been there.
I was really beginning to hate my lot in life as we walked along, finally coming out of the cavern and back onto the pathway through the mountain. I didn't much like being a follower. Not that I wanted to be the leader in this caper. It was bad enough that I was most likely going to be fed to a dragon after said dragon had eaten Fractious the mule as a starter. Then I had a sudden revelation.
"Uh... So where do we get the sword?"
"At the swordsmith," Cu said in his typical matter-of-fact tone, as if I should really know all this already.
"Which is where...?"
"Round the bend," Cu said as we rounded the bend.
Around the bend, we came across a small grass hut that looked more like it belonged on the beach of Tahiti rather than in the mountain passes of God-knew-where. Nemed. Ireland. Loompaland. I wasn't exactly sure. Either way, this thatched hut did not belong there.
There was a small corral set up beside said hut with a small herd of goats corralled within. The goats began to bleat, sounding mildly amused when they saw us coming up the pathway. Their bleating alerted a man about half my size which made him almost twice the size of Cu. Cu didn't seem to mind the size difference, for he went right up to the dude and extended a hand.
"Good mornin'," Cu said.
To this day I still hear that said with an Irish accent, for some odd reason since Cu had no accent to speak of.
"We've come to buy a sword."
"Good thing," the wizened old man said, "because that's all I have to sell."
I eyed the little dude. He looked to be at least a hundred years old, which, in this realm, meant that he was probably about five hundred years old. But that was only my estimate. He was about four feet high, with the same shaggy hair that everyone in this midget world seemed to have, except his was stone gray. He had crinkly eyes and a droopy mustache that looked like it belonged on the face of an old Chinese man. You know, the ones you see in really bad, stereotypical kung fu movies? I had significant doubts about his sword making skills. Yet he looked nice enough.
When he saw me, he frowned and squinted his eyes. "What the hell is this thing you've brought with you?" His voice was all broken and hoarse but he sounded strong enough.
"Ain't you ever seen a mule before?" Cu said.
"Not the mule." The old man pointed at me. "That tall thing."
"Might as well be a mule," Cu muttered.
I took initiative and stepped forward, holding out my hand, which the old man shook tentatively. It was like shaking the hand...er, fin...of a wet fish. "I'm Guy Fractious." I waited for what was becoming the usual remark and was rewarded for my patience.
"What kind of fucked up name is that?"
I sighed and rubbed my eyes.
"I don't know. I didn't name myself."
"Whatever," the old man said. "Fuck it." He held up his knuckles, which he knocked against mine.
The gray and wrinkly old man just watched, intrigued, as Cu whacked me for the millionth time with that damned bright green top hat. And then he said, "So, do you need a sword or what? I got better things to do than stand around here, watching you beat that giant with a top hat, and a bright green one, besides."
Cu didn't answer, just followed behind the old man as he went into his hut.
* * * *
The hut was the size of King Mac Gréine's place back in the city of Murias. I couldn't stand in it, but I could comfortably hunch over so that at least I was inside. The ponies seemed content to stand tied to a nearby tree that might or might not have been a pine, and both seemed happy to be cropping grasses. Fractious the mule was more interested in the goats than anything else. He was probably trying to convince one of them about how divine it was to be a sacrifice to a dragon and how one of them could take his place if they wanted. By the way they were bleating, I assumed they weren't having any of the mule's lies.
Inside the hut, I sat cross legged on the dirt floor. I should never have doubted the old man's skills at making swords because the room was full of them. There was a little hole in the top of the hut that let out the smoke from his forge, which was glowing red hot. We'd apparently interrupted him but he didn't seem to mind.
He'd introduced himself as Tat, which I made him repeat seven or eight times before I figured out that he wasn't pulling my leg. Tat was a master swordsman who hated the outside world so he'd left the cities for the safety and snow of the mountain. And since there was a dragon nearby who would someday have to be slain, he thought this mountain path was a good place to set up shop. Many people had crossed through his territory but he said he couldn't remember a one who had come back. That did nothing to lift my spirits.
"So, Tat" I said over a steamy cup of something that was probably tea, but like the pines, I wasn't exactly sure. "How did you learn to be a sword smith?"
"College," the old man said. "What the hell do you do, giant?"
"Me?" I said, stabbing myself in the chest with my thumb.
"Ain't no other giant I see around."
"I'm a banker."
Tat laughed out loud, his voice crackly like dried old paper.
I saw Cu smiling at me and said, "What's so funny about that?"
"You don't look like you could count to twenty with your shoes off," Tat said.
It was my turn to laugh. "Actually, I can only count to nineteen with my shoes off."
Tat and Cu looked at me in morbid curiosity.
They left me no choice but to remove my left shoe and show them my missing little toe. I wiggled the ones that were left and said, "Lost it in a tragic accident involving a TV tray and a garage door. I could reenact it, but we don't have a garage door."
Both men sidled up to me and bent over my foot. Cu made a face but the old man seemed even more intrigued then he was before. "Now that's cool," Tat said, twirling his kung fu movie style mustache about his forefinger.
"I don't know if cool is the word for it," I muttered. "Nothing I can do about it now."
"What about a prosthetic?" Cu said.
I blinked at him but didn't answer. "Anyway, how about this tea stuff? What is it?"
Tat drank from his cup, savoring the taste. "Just a little concoction I make from the bark of the pine trees and the dung of my goats."
The liquid in my mouth suddenly sprayed out onto the floor of its own accord. I wiped the back of my hand over my lips and apologized.
Tat stared for a moment before saying, "Get out."
"Why?"
"Because you insulted my cooking," Tat said, rising to his feet and putting his wrinkled hands on his knobby hips.
"You didn't cook anything," I said sternly.
"I don't care. I don't like you. Go outside."
I sighed and clambered to my feet, hunched over in this thatched hut. "Fine," I said under my breath. "Nobody here likes me and I didn't even ask to come." I continued to grumble quietly as I went outside and shut the door behind me. I decided that I felt more comfortable hanging out with Fractious the mule, so I went and sat by the corral and listened to the mule try to convince the goats to take his place as the sacrifice. After an hour had gone by, Fractious had had no luck and I wasn't having much either. I'd found a chicken and was attempting to teach her to play Tic-Tac-Toe, since the mule had had no head for the game.
The chicken was winning when Cu came out of the hut with a broadsword strapped to his back. The chicken scratched her last X, taking me out easily, and I got up in a huff, kicking the bird across the yard in my anger. The chicken fluttered her useless wings yet landed safely. She looked at me with contempt then clucked and began pecking at the ground. I stuck out my tongue at the dastardly bird before I went to take a look at Cu's new sword.
"Pretty," was the first word that shuffled out of my mouth.
"Swords aren't pretty," I heard Tat say from behind me.
I turned to face the old man.
"Swords are deadly," Tat said. "And fancy."
"Fancy?" I repeated.
Tat shrugged. "Whatever."
I didn't know what else to say except, "Can I hold it?"
Cu turned to face me and said, "No."
And that was that.
We had a sword and Tat made me take a goatskin canteen full of his wonderfully tasting yet nasty ass tea. If I forgot about what was in it, it tasted pretty damned good. I couldn't quite get past the lingering flavor of goat dung. In the end I shared most of it with Fractious the mule, who didn't seem to mind the goat dung in the slightest. He did seem a little bit bummed about the goats not wanting to come along for the fun, adventure and sacrifice to a dragon.
We continued along the path through the mountains. The air got thinner and the path got windier, but I couldn't think of anything to talk about so I kept my mouth shut. I just trudged along behind Cu, pulling my pony by his reins and looking past Fractious the mule's gray ass to the sword on Cu's back. It looked like what I imagined a Scottish broadsword to look like. It had a long blade, almost too long for Cu, and it shone bright and new in the dim light in the mountains. There was a groove in the blade that I knew was for letting blood run down it. The hilt was wrapped in black leather and it had a silver cross piece where the hilt met the blade. A Claymore I think is what they call it.
I wanted to hold it, just so I could say I knew what holding a sword felt like, even though this sword was half the size of a sword in my world and would probably be classified as a dagger instead. I knew that Cu would never allow me to hold such a thing, but I daydreamed about it just the same. I saw myself wielding it, pretending like I was Sean Connery in Highlander. I couldn't do a Scottish accent, not even in my wildest dreams, nor were there any heads to lop off, but it was fun anyway. It kept me occupied as we trudged along.
I was beginning to wonder if it ever got dark here in the mountains, when it suddenly began to get dark.
"Where are we going to sleep tonight?" I said to Cu's back as it moved along before me.
"There's a cave up ahead," he said without looking back.
"How do you know this area so well?" I wondered how he knew about the sword smith's house and the cave. I still had a hunch he'd been down this road before so I said, "How many people have you brought up this road to feed to the dragon?"
"Oh, a couple," was his reply.
"A couple?!" I shrieked. It was the answer I was expecting but I still wasn't really expecting it. "Are you serious?!"
"Quite," Cu said.
I stopped short and my pony accidentally ran his head into my rear. He snorted at my back then moved away from me. Cu stopped just up ahead but neither Fractious the mule nor his pony ran into him. I was just lucky in that, I guess. Things like to bump my butt...
"Come on," Cu said. "It'll be dark in ten minutes and we're almost the
re. You don't want to be out in the dark."
"I don't want to be out, period," I said, planting my feet in the manner I'd learned from Fractious the mule.
"Fine," Cu muttered. "Suit yourself. But when you start screaming, don't blame me." He tugged at the reins of his pony and the lead of the mule and went around a corner in the rugged path.
It only took a minor rustle of the bushes beside me for me to yank on my pony's reins and run to catch up to him.
The cave was big enough for both us, the ponies, the mule and a bear. Thankfully, there wasn't a bear present at the time. There was a black spot on the floor where someone had, at one point, built a fire. There were sticks stacked in a corner and Cu began gathering some, building a little teepee in the center of the black mark. I watched, standing at the mouth of the cave with my arms crossed over my chest. I was pissed and hoped my stance showed as much.
Cu didn't even notice, so I had to say, "Do you not see me standing here mad at you?"
"I see," he answered. "I've never cared before. What makes you think I'll care now?"
I dropped my arms and huffed. "I hate you."
"I hate you, too," he said back.
"Good!" I yelled, my voice echoing back in the rear of the cave. Fractious the mule gave a quick bray that bounced off the cavern walls, chasing my voice around. He was standing near me and I stroked one of his big, soft ears, both for my own comfort and for his.
Cu didn't say anything.
I felt compelled to say, "I'm not going any farther with you until you explain everything to me."
"No one's gotten past the dragon," Cu said. "And no one until you has even had the brains to question me."
I blinked.
Cu rolled his eyes. "Nobody ever seemed to notice that I know my way around really well. I just go to the emergency ward at a hospital and find someone who's been bonked on the head. I try to choose the dumbest fuck I can find, and there's always a couple of dumb fucks in the ER. They've run into trees or slipped on apple peels. Something stupid. And they never question me. Ever. So far, you aren't quite fitting the typical profile of a stupid human being."
I huffed some more. "Oh yeah? And what's the profile?"
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