Fractious

by Carrie Lynn Barker

  "So," I said to Cu later, as I was examining my whetstone work on the blade. Looked pretty good considering I'd never done that before. "How much longer 'til we reach Black Mountain?"

  "We should reach the base of it tomorrow evening."

  "That soon?"

  Cu shrugged. "That's what Roger told me."

  "Oh."

  "I've never been there before, remember?"

  "Guess so," I mumbled.

  "You really are a downer, Fractious," Cu said. "You know, I fell in love with a girl once."

  "You did?" I leaned forward, intrigued.

  "Yeah," he said, licking his chops like a hungry, shaggy dog. "Remember that girl that was humping the wooden post back in Tara?"

  "Yeah," I said drawing the word out.

  "Her," Cu said dreamily, eyes towards the sky, his chin resting in his hand. "Wow, she was quite the looker. Doing the nasty with that pole and all. She had it going on." He clapped his hands together to emphasize his point.

  "You never even talked to her," I said.

  "So? Who says you have to talk to be in love?"

  I laughed. "I certainly would have been better off as a mute."

  Bob the horse snorted laughter, leaning over my shoulder to nip at my shirt.

  "Are you hungry again?" I said.

  Bob nodded, brown eyes eager.

  I dug in the nearest pack and produced a bright, red apple. "Here you go."

  Bob took said apple and devoured it on the spot, tossing it back like a shot of tequila.

  "That should hold you over for another ten minutes," I said as Bob went off to nibble on some of that overly green meadow grass. "So anyway," I said, getting back to Cu. "You never even talked to her, how do you even know what she's like?"

  "Don't matter," Cu said. "If a girl can hump like that, she don't need anything else."

  I shook my head. I could believe it. I decided to change the subject. "So, do you have any idea what we'll find when we reach Black Mountain? Will there be guards? A wall? Elephants maybe?"

  "Definitely be guards at the gate," Cu said, "which must mean there's a wall somewhere. I don't know about elephants, though. We don't even have those here."

  "You don't have elephants?" I said in disbelief. "How can you live without elephants?"

  "We manage," Cu said. "And I've heard tell that the guards are dumb fucks."

  "Who told you that?"

  "Roger," he said.

  "You believed him? He wears stretchy pink pants."

  Cu raised an eyebrow. "And that's a reason not to believe him?"

  "Reason enough for me," I muttered, wondering what Roger and Crista were up to at that very moment.

  Cu rolled his eyes. "Either way, there will be a fight. Think you're up to it?"

  "What have I got to lose?" I said. "My life ain't worth much anyway."

  In the open meadow, with Bob the horse standing as a lazy lookout, Cu and I fell asleep. Nothing came to kidnap us and nothing ate us slowly at any time during the entire night. Bob even fell asleep, for which I reprimanded him later, but not too harshly since we lived through the night anyway. With that night out of the way, we began to make our way to the base of Black Mountain.

  We made it there at midday.

  "I thought you said we'd be there at evening time," I said to Cu as he peered around my back, still clinging to my waist. Bob bobbed his head in agreement with my statement.

  "I didn't reckon on the horse," Cu said.

  "We had Bob yesterday," I pointed out.

  "Details," Cu said.

  Black Mountain lived up to its name.

  It was stark black.

  I stared up at it, at its pointy peaks and its rounded tops. Some peaks were even so high that they had snow on them and even some more were shrouded in white, fluffy clouds. But it wasn't really a mountain so much as a mountain range. Black Mountain wasn't even the tallest peak but it was still black in color. The rest of the mountain range had pretty green shadings and nice green trees.

  "Why is that one mountain black?" I said as we stood there, staring like fools.

  "Because it's Black Mountain."

  "But why is it black?"

  Cu jabbed me in the ribs with a pointy elbow. "We need to get there," he said, pointing past me to a spot about half way up the mountainside.

  "And how do we go about doing that?" I said, looking along the line of his finger to an even blacker place on the mountainside.

  "I'm sure there's a path," Cu said.

  "How sure?"

  "Oh, about ten percent."

  I snorted. "That's not very sure."

  "It is in my world," Cu said.

  "Not in mine."

  Cu kicked Bob's ribs with his heels and the horse got moving, making a grumbling noise deep in his chest. His chestnut coat was coated with dust from the ride we'd taken that day. I could tell he wasn't feeling as handsome as he normally was, but then again, I wasn't looking my best either. As we made our way to a trailhead at the very base of the mountainside, I thought about this stuff. I hadn't had a shower in a while and I probably stank to high heaven, but I couldn't smell myself. I didn't know if that made it worse or better. Cu didn't stink any more than he usually did. He'd smelled like Cu since the day he'd dragged me into his tree and into his world to have me sent on this quest to kill a wizard.

  It was the smell of Crista I missed the most. Sure, there was the lingering scent of Ken on her and now probably the scent of a goat or possibly, if miracles occurred, of Roger. She smelled of the earth, but in a good way.

  I missed her, even though I had only just met her, really. I'd known her at work, but that didn't make us friends. That didn't even make us acquaintances. The most she ever said to me at the bank was, "Have you seen my calculator?" or "Something in this room makes me itch and it might be you." Stuff like that.

  With Black Mountain and Amergin the wizard/sorcerer/druid priest dude looming before me, I knew I had to forget about Crista. I didn't even know how I felt about her anyway. I liked her, sure. She was pretty and smelled nice. That didn't mean I was in love with her. No straight man alive would pass up the chance to fuck her if he was single and able and she was the same. She was sweet, kind and caring. What else could I ask for?

  "You're drooling."

  I snapped back to life. I glanced around to discover that we were about halfway up the mountainside already, approaching the point Cu had pointed at a whole lot sooner than I thought we would. "Are we there already?"

  "Almost," Cu said. "Another fifteen minutes or so and we should reach a gate of some kind."

  "You really have no idea what you're doing, do you?"

  I felt Cu shake his head from his perch behind me on Bob.

  "Don't we need a plan? An idea? Something that resembles a plan maybe?"

  "Sure," Cu said. "Already have one in mind."

  * * *

  chapter 10

  I'm not much of an acrobat but I can stand on my head. That is about the limit of my ability. So there I was, standing on my head in front of a thick, wooden gate with brass nail heads and big knockers, while Bob and Cu hid out behind a rocky outcrop.

  My feet were stuck up in the air, waggling about every now and then so I could keep my balance. Blood was rushing to my head and I was secretly wishing that I was hanging upside down from a stick and listening to the shrieking and shlooming of the Goat People instead of trying to storm the gate of a wizard's hideout by myself.

  "What else can you do?" someone yelled from a walkway that was above me on either side of the door.

  "That's about it!" I called back. "Come on! Every king needs a jester!"

  "We don't!" called back the guard. "You're a sucky jester, anyway. And we don't even have a king!"

  "Well, every prince, princess, king, queen, druid, sage, Son of Heaven and Yang di-Pertuan Agong needs a jester!"

  Two men were conversing above me. I heard one say, "Hey, we have a druid," before the other one called down, "Let me s
ee you dance."

  I fell over backwards. I'd stood on my head all through our entire conversation, which was a feat in itself. After untangling my arms from my legs, I shook my head to get rid of the blood rush and did a little dance. I hummed a little tune and bopped around, kicked up my heels and twisted around like the dope I often think of myself to be. I could hear the occasional snort of laughter from Cu's hiding place and even Bob gave a horsey laugh that nobody seemed to hear. I rolled my eyes and continued to do my dance. I hoped it was enough.

  "Now sing me a song." the man on the wall yelled, leaning over to get a better view.

  "Seriously?" I said, stopping my dance, which actually might have been more of a fidget.

  "Yeah. Sing me a song."

  I sighed. "What song?"

  The two on the wall conferred again. "'Tequila'."

  "Now I know you're insane," I said to myself. I cleared my throat, looked up at them and began to hum the tune to the old song by The Champs, yelling, "Tequila!" whenever appropriate. After I'd yelled said word a grand total of three times, the guards fell down laughing. "Can I come in now?" I said, after taking what I thought was a well deserved bow.

  "Yes," said the one who'd been giving me instructions on how to prove myself worthy of the title of jester. "You can come in now."

  I let my arms hang limply at my sides and hung my head because even though I'd succeeded I wasn't crazy about getting us inside. I gave an imperceptible thumbs up to Cu and Bob then waited patiently as the two guards climbed off their wall and opened the massive gate to let me pass. "Thanks, dudes."

  The two men who let me in were unfortunately my height and size. I was wishing that they were as small as they appeared up on the heights. I could have easily dealt with two Tuatha Dé. Instead, I was faced with two humans. Fighting them to the death had been the plan, but I just calmly walked past the gates and watched as they closed behind me. Only then did I realize that I was on my own in this. I'd left Cu and Bob behind and I had no idea how to get them in. And I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

  Then an idea came to me.

  "Hey, fellas?" I said to the guards who were getting ready to lead me into the interior of the mountain.

  "Sup?" the first one said.

  "I left my friend and my horse out there. Can they come too?"

  "Can they sing and dance?"

  "My horse can," I said with bright eyes.

  "Sure," the first guard said. "Hey, Anu. Go let the guy's friend and his horse in."

  Anu nodded and went to the gate, which stood three feet behind us. He opened it for me and I stuck my head out.

  "Hey, Bob!" I called. Bob whinnied and ran to me, looking for yet another apple. I gave him a pat on the nose instead. Disappointment showed on his face.

  "Is it safe?" Cu said from his hiding spot.

  "Yeah. This here's Anu and... I didn't get your name." I said to the other guard.

  "I'm Anu," the first guard said.

  "Oh," I said curtly. "Really?"

  "Yeah, it was easier to call us all by the same name. You get used to it," said Anu the first.

  "Okay," I said. "This is Anu," I said, pointing, then, "This is Anu," and pointed to the other Anu.

  "Welcome," said Anu.

  I could see that this was going to be very confusing.

  * * * *

  Cu and Bob followed along behind Anu and Anu and myself. We came across a few other guards, standing in seemingly random places in the hallways. Anu and Anu addressed each as Anu and there were friendly nods all around. We didn't get introduced but if we had, I would have been sure to inform each that we were not among the Anus, that we had other names, although I might have thought twice about giving them mine.

  I felt a little uneasy, hanging out inside of Amergin's hideaway deep within the mountain's stony interior. The whole damned thing was cut right from the rock. The walls were rock. The ceilings were rock. The furniture was rock. Even the beds were rock. Rock. Everywhere you turned. It was all very gray.

  I took notice that Cu had left his bright green top hat back in the woods somewhere, along with my sword. Leaving behind the bright green top hat I understood. It would give away his position as one of the king's guards. That wouldn't do. We were in enough trouble as it was. Letting Amergin know who we were was not the brightest of ideas. The sword would have been a comfort in my hand.

  How was I supposed to kill an evil wizard without a sword? Bare hands? Sharp edged spoon? My wit?

  Down hallway after hallway we went, following the Anus obediently, having no idea what lay at the end of route. Finally we reached the end of the route. The last corridor opened up into a huge dining hall, complete with long tables and long benches. It looked like it came out of a Harry Potter movie. I waited for only a moment before Dumbledore came ambling out, staff in hand. I wondered what house I was going to be sorted into then I realized he didn't have a hat.

  "Greetings, friends!" the man who looked way too much like Dumbledore boomed, his voice carrying throughout the halls beyond us. He was tall, having at least four inches over me. He had long white hair and a long white beard to match. Said beard hung to his waist and had a couple of small beads strategically woven into it. His long robe was a dusky crimson color and it brushed the floor when he moved. It was sashed with a length of rope. His feet appeared bare. The top of his head was bare but hair sprouted from the back of his head, so long that it reached his waist.

  This apparently was Amergin. I couldn't fathom who else it would be.

  He walked towards us, his robe swishing quietly. "My Anus tells me that you are to be my new court jester. Goody!"

  I started and he noticed.

  "Does that surprise you?"

  "What?" I said.

  "Did you not volunteer to be my court jester?"

  "Uh," was all I could think of to say. After a moment, I answered, "Yes?"

  "I am Amergin." He placed his palm flat on his chest. "Please give me your names."

  I glanced over at my two companions. "Well," I said, "This is Bob."

  The horse was curiously eyeing the wizard, probably wondering where he could get a red robe like that.

  "Take a bow, Bob," I said after lifting an eyebrow.

  Bob obediently got down on one knee and put his nose to the ground. His black mane fell over his eyes. He rose and shook his head, tossing his elegant hair. He blew out a quiet breath and winked at me with one big, brown eye.

  "Did that horse just wink?" Amergin asked in surprise, pointing at Bob.

  "Uh, all part of the act?" I shook myself and pointed at Cu. "This is Cu."

  "Cu?"

  "Cu," repeated Cu.

  "Cu," Amergin said one more time. "And what do you do, Cu?" He seemed to like saying my little friend's name, which I concluded by the grin that spread from one of his floppy ear lobes to the other.

  Cu looked at me but I could do nothing but shrug and hope he was a fast thinker.

  "I... uh," Cu said. "I cook."

  "You cook?"

  "I cook." Cu seemed to be getting a knack for repeating things.

  "What do you cook?"

  "Uh... food?" He looked to me for help, for once.

  Amergin didn't seem to need anything more than that one word answer. "Splendid!" He clasped his hands together in glee. "I had to kill my last cook. He was no good at making cobbler. Can you make cobbler?"

  Cu sputtered, then said, "Uh, sure."

  "Wonderful!" Amergin squealed, appearing delighted. "My life is incomplete without a good cobbler." He turned his attention to me. "And your name, good jester?"

  "Guy," I said, pronouncing it properly, as I always did, to make sure others did so, as well. I'd hate to make a mistake and have someone start calling me a male of the species.

  Amergin wanted more, which I expected yet hated to disclose. "That's it?"

  "You were fine with just Cu," I said. "And Bob."

  "Bob doesn't need a last name. He's a fuckin' horse. And I hav
e yet to meet one of the little people who has a last name, so I wasn't expecting one from my new cook. You, on the other hand, are obviously human. I consider myself human." He beamed at the idea and smiled proudly. "My last name is Smith. Now tell me yours."

  "Smith?" Cu repeated, apparently having very much gotten the hang of repeating, yet wanting to keep on practicing.

  "Smith." Amergin nodded his head once in Cu's direction. "I needed a general name."

  "Oh," said Cu. "So where ya from?"

  "Smithsville, North Carolina," he said, with obvious pride.

  Cu smothered his laughter, then muttered, "Yeah, Smith won't give anything away," which Amergin thankfully did not hear.

  I only gave him a look.

  "Your full name please, sir," Amergin said to me.

  I swallowed, but I had nothing to lose. "Guy Alamode Fractious."

  Amergin burst into a fit of laughter. His guffaws filled the hall and bounced off the stone walls, rebounding off the eardrums of myself and my companions. Amergin ended up holding his sides and stomach, rolling on the floor and laughing his ass off.

  "Serious?" Amergin said five minutes later, after he'd recovered from his fit. "You're kidding, right? Please tell me you are kidding!" Red-faced, he snickered and snorted while awaiting my answer.

  "My mother was French."

  Amergin apparently thought this was just as funny as my name and once again began to laugh like a madman. "Obviously you're French," he said when he finished, once again pointing a bony finger at me.

  "It wasn't meant to be funny." I kicked the toe of my shoe in the dust.

  "But it is!"

  I bowed my head as I heard the Anus begin to finally join in on the fun, giving strange little giggles at random intervals while their boss went nuts with laughter. It apparently took them a while to get the joke, but once they got it they began to laugh just as hard as their boss. Though, I actually doubt they ever got it; they just wanted it to look like they did. Is my name really that funny, anyway?