Fractious

by Carrie Lynn Barker

  After a half hour, Amergin finally managed to compose himself. He ran his hands over his bald head and through the long hair that grew on the back of his head and down his spine. I had to kick Cu to rouse him from where he'd fallen asleep on the floor. Bob was dozing on his feet, as horses do, but he woke when I cleared my throat.

  Amergin did the same, cleared his throat, I mean, and faced me, smoothing out his robes and untangling his beard. "So, Guy. Show me what you can do." He couldn't suppress a giggle.

  I stood on my head.

  "That's it?"

  I got up and shrugged. "Was good enough for your guards."

  One of the Anus who had been at the gate piped up with, "He can sing and dance, too!"

  I rolled my eyes in his general direction.

  "True?" Amergin said, looking at me with wide and eager eyes.

  "Er," was my response.

  "Well then, sing. Dance. Do a little jig. You aren't entertaining me by standing there, although if you tell me your name again, I'll laugh my ass off. But I want more. A jester must be able to entertain, right?"

  "I guess so." I began my little dance. I twisted and turned, shook my butt and kicked out my legs, and did an adlibbed hokey pokey for good measure. While doing this, I sang "Joy to the World." Not the holy religious version. I don't think Amergin would have gone for that version very much. I was singing the one Three Dog Night made famous. I went all the way through the song, doing my little ditty and humming during the piano solo. It was kinda fun. When it was all over, I thought perhaps I really was cut out to be a jester.

  Amergin put a hand to his bearded chin, and with the other hand waggled a finger at me. "So, if Jeremiah was a bullfrog and a friend of yours, but you never understood him, how did you cross the language barrier? Just how did you get to be friends?"

  I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to answer that, so I said, "We met in a bar?"

  "You met at a bar? Over a glass of wine, correct?"

  "Uh, yes?"

  "Hum," he said, still pulling at his chin. "What was he like, this Jeremiah?"

  "Oh," I said, thinking. "He was a good frog. Polite. Liked Cher. You know. Typical frog stuff. Though he wouldn't turn into a prince if you kissed him."

  "You tried?" Amergin said. "Was he a terribilis frog?"

  "Uh...?" I said again.

  "A terribilis frog," Amergin repeated. "You do know that only the terribilis frog turns into a prince when you kiss it, though nobody has ever tried because the terribilis frog is highly poisonous. One touch and you're dead as a doornail. Nobody has ever gotten to the kissing phase because when they try to pick the frog up, they die. So you must not have tried since you are still alive and standing before me. You didn't, right? Try and kiss him?"

  I shook my head in disgust, and said quickly, "I didn't. My friend did though. She... uh, picked up the frog then died. She was very disappointed when she died."

  "I don't blame her," Amergin said. "Being disappointed, I mean, not dying. She had no choice in that matter." He straightened suddenly, clasped his hands before him, and said, "So, Mr. Fractious. You can sing and dance. You can stand on your head. And since your friend says he can make cobbler, you all can stay. You do need to learn a few more tricks, Guy. I think your horse friend, Bob knows more tricks then you do."

  Bob gave a delighted and proud snort.

  "Okay." I managed to avoid the urge to roll my eyes for the millionth time. "I will. Anything specific you want me to learn?"

  Amergin shrugged his shoulders. "Eh. Just be funny."

  "I can probably do that."

  "Anu will show you to your quarters. Would the three of you like to share a room or have adjoining suites?"

  "Adjoining," Cu and I said together.

  "Bob can sleep in the stables," I offered.

  "Never," Amergin said, sounding appalled at such an idea. "Imagine, having a horse such as Bob sleep in a meager stable. No! He will have a room right next to yours. I will have someone bring up some food and drink for you and you can begin work in the morning. ¿Comprende?"

  "Yep," I said while pondering the word "¿Comprende?" For some reason, I had the feeling that I might have preferred being sorted into Slytherin.

  Once again we found ourselves following an Anu. This time, it was a new Anu, one who'd been in attendance at our little performance in the dining hall, but who had not been personally introduced beforehand. He walked ahead of us, his back straight and his head high. He seemed to be an overly pompous Anu, but he kept tripping over the edges of the rugs that floored the hallways and their walls and ceilings.

  Despite this, we all made it to our rooms safely. Anu showed us how to unlock the twin doors between our rooms so we could see each other and still be in our own rooms. Bob thought this was pretty cool and kept walking from his room through my room, which was in the middle, and then into Cu's room and back again. His hooves clopped and clattered on the stone floor, but he didn't seem to mind. I had a feeling that housekeeping might be upset by his presence, though. I would have been upset had I been a member of housekeeping.

  They were nice rooms. I felt as if I was in a five star hotel. There were red velvet curtains on the windows, pulled back by crystal-topped tie backs. My bed was a four poster with all the trimmings. A settee trimmed with lovely cream colored fringe stood beneath the windows with some nice, suede cushions on it. There were throw pillows on the bed, along with light gold linens. The pillowcases were decorated with fantastic filigree patterns in the same red as the velvet curtains, on a golden background.

  "I would love to meet your decorator," I told Anu, who was standing at the door, making sure we had everything we needed at the moment.

  "Really?" Anu said. "That would be Anu. I can send him up if you want."

  "Maybe later," I said, not sure if I could handle keeping all those Anus straight. I don't know how they kept each other straight.

  "Just let me know," Anu said, giving me a wink and a random thumbs up. "We'll have something brought up for you guys to eat in a few. You'll be expected around ten in the morning in the dining hall, so don't sleep in." He waved to us with a big smile on his face and left. Then he came back and said, "Sure you don't want to meet Anu?"

  I shook my head.

  "Well, I'll have his business card sent up with your food. How about that?"

  I shrugged and he left again, this time for good. I watched him skip silently down the hallway and only turned away when he was out of sight. Cu was staring at me through our adjoining doorways. "What now?"

  Cu lifted his palms in a shrug. "Got any cards?"

  It turned out that I did and we began to play a game he called, "Pop the Queen's Cherry," which I didn't quite understand but got the hang of after a while. The whole object of the game was to be left with the queen of hearts but there really wasn't any skill to it. It was mostly luck, but we played anyway. Bob peeked over both our shoulders and tried to help Cu cheat, but I caught on to that trick and made Bob go sit in his own room.

  Within a half hour, an Anu brought us plates of food and a bucket of grain and alfalfa for Bob. There was even a business card that said, "Anu, Personal Designer for Amergin the wizard" on the tray, complete with a phone number where he could be reached. I put that in my pocket for later use.

  Bob refused to share his grain and alfalfa so Cu and I decided we wouldn't share our veal culets and corn cobs. In the end, I think Bob got a better deal, since no one had to do any cooking for him.

  "No wonder they need a cook," Cu said as he sawed at his cutlet with a steak knife. "I couldn't get through this meat with a machete."

  I had been trying to pop off the corn kernels, but the cob was just cutting into the table so I was using it as a saw on the tabletop instead. "You know, Lug told me something interesting back at his grandma's house."

  "What's that?"

  "Amergin hates peaches."

  "Guess I won't be making peach cobbler then, will I?"

  "Not unless you w
ant to lose your head," I told him. "Oh, well. I love peach cobbler. I'm betting you can't even find a peach anywhere near here."

  "Doubtful." Cu chewed on the edge of his cutlet to no avail. "This sucks."

  "And blows," I said.

  Bob snorted.

  "And is full of horseshit." I agreed with him completely.

  We hung out in our rooms until night fell. Bob informed me that he was afraid to sleep in the bed in his room, as he'd never slept in a bed in all his life. So I took pity on him and used Cu's steak knife to cut open the side of the mattress, which was conveniently stuffed with straw. Between Bob and me, we managed to make him a pretty good straw bed on the floor of the room. Much to my dismay though, Bob stood in the middle of the straw and closed his eyes.

  "Thought you'd be lying in it," I muttered as I retreated from his room.

  He nickered at me.

  "Okay," I said. "I'll leave a light on. Geez." When did I get so adept at understanding this horse anyway?

  Cu was already in bed when I went to close the door between our rooms. "Leave it open," he said. "We're not exactly in the safest place in the world, no matter how easy it was to get in. We could be killed in our sleep. They'll probably kill you first and I just want to be able to watch."

  I pouted. "I thought you were beginning to like me."

  "I am," Cu said, "And I do, but wouldn't it be terrible to have to watch them kill me and Bob first?"

  "Yeah," I admitted. "It would be terrible."

  "But if they kill you first then you won't have to watch, right?"

  "Point taken. But why do you want to watch?"

  Cu shrugged, rolled over and pulled the covers up to his chin. I stood and watched as he fell asleep in the beautiful four poster bed, gold linen sheets covering his entire body except for his shaggy and now bare of bright green top hat head. I could imagine said bright green top hat sitting hidden behind a bush or a rock in the woods beyond the gate. I wondered if it was feeling lonely without its owner.

  When I finally heard him start to snore, I retreated to my own room. I could see Bob sleeping in his pile of straw, still standing on all four feet, and Cu snoring in the next room. In my bed, beneath my gold linens, I felt comforted. It was a weird feeling, one I wasn't used to. But I didn't know what to do with that feeling so I just fell asleep.

  * * *

  chapter 11

  I woke as I did every morning, to wet saliva dripping down my face. I opened my eyes, thinking I might find Cu, but instead I found Bob. The horse was standing over me, his nose as close to my face as it could get without touching me. He snorted at me, spraying me with snot, then he began licking said snot from my skin. I stuck out my tongue as he pulled away, and then used the golden sheet to wipe his slobber off my face. Bob moved back a step when I sat up.

  "What do you want, Bob?"

  The horse snorted again, careful not to spray me this time, and indicated the window with his head. Golden sunshine was spilling in.

  I looked down at my wrist, forgetting that I no longer had my watch. It wouldn't have mattered anyway since it had been running backwards ever since I'd arrived in this realm. So I abandoned my wrist and picked up the old fashioned alarm clock from the bedside table. My eyes went wide. "Shit!" I yelled. "It's almost ten. Why didn't you wake me sooner?"

  Bob whinnied.

  "I don't care how peaceful I looked." I tried not to sound angry. "We're due in the dining room at ten. It's ten 'til ten."

  I threw off the gold sheets and exposed my naked self to the world. Bob let his tongue fall out of his mouth and turned his head as I dressed quickly, putting on the only clothes I had to my name. Dressed and ready, I went to wake Cu, only to discover my guide was already awake, dressed and had managed somehow to shower.

  "How come you're so clean?" I said jealously, examining his shiny skin and even shinier hair. Even his teeth were whiter than usual.

  "There's a bathroom down the hall." He pointed with a thumb over his shoulder. "Full shower. Steam room. Sauna. Whirlpool bathtub. All the trimmings." He began to make gurgling noises that must have been of pleasure, judging by the look on his face. Either that or he was imitating a whirlpool bath.

  I couldn't decide so I simply cleared my throat.

  He came back to reality. "You shoulda been up early to take advantage."

  "Maybe on my break," I said. "If I get a break. What have I gotten us into?"

  "The circus, apparently." He jabbed a finger in my thigh. "At least where you're considered."

  "Bob and I can do an act." I turned my attention to the horse. "Can you run around while I stand upright on your back?"

  Bob nodded and neighed.

  "Yes, I can stand on your back," I said. "But can you run around while I do it?"

  He snorted and stomped a foot.

  "Okay, so you can run around no matter what I do," I said. "And yes, you're a genius. Though I have no idea what that has to do with it."

  Bob whinnied and bobbed his elegant head, agreeing to go along with my idea.

  "Okay, then let's do that."

  That didn't turn out as well as planned. Not that we really did any planning.

  A circus act sounded like fun, and Amergin was excited when we presented the idea to him.

  "Goody," he said, clapping his hands in his gleeful way. "I love the circus." He sat down in a big throne-like chair that wouldn't have been so bad had there not been a severed bear's head set atop it. Two big, brown globes, meant to represent the eyes, stared down at me as I got myself situated atop Bob's back, ready to stand up when the horse got going.

  The tables and benches had been pushed off to the side by a group of Anus, who were all seated atop the tables, ready to watch the show. Bob was standing in the middle of the room, chomping his flat teeth, since he wore no bit. He was bareback, as always, and his head and ears were perked. He was ready and excited. I know; he told me so.

  "Okay," I whispered to myself. "Here goes. Hope I don't kill myself."

  As it happens, I didn't kill myself. I almost killed myself.

  I stood before my audience, waving my hands in the air to get their full attention. "Hi there, everyone!"

  "Hi, Guy!" everyone yelled back, including Amergin.

  "Ready for some death defying feats?"

  "We sure are, Guy!" they all yelled back in unison.

  "Bob, are you ready?"

  Bob neighed loudly and tossed his regal head. His black mane flew up and down. I grabbed a hold of that thick mane and hoisted myself up onto his back. The dining room was more than adequately sized, so Bob could run at a pretty good speed in a pretty good-sized circle. I clung to him with my knees as I had long ago been instructed by Lug, his previous owner, who now wore my watch as a belt.

  I had already become pretty adept at riding with only my knees, especially since we'd come so far and I'd never had a choice in the matter. Bob didn't come equipped with a saddle. Luckily he came equipped with a bridle and reins, so I had something to hold onto. And I was only slightly disappointed that Cu wouldn't be there to see my triumph as a performer. He was down in the kitchen, making apple cobbler for an after dinner dessert.

  After the second circling of the room, during which Bob had gotten up a good speed, I swung my heels up onto his back. I had the reins in hand, wrapped around one wrist to help me keep my balance, as Bob had instructed me to do. Bob had his head tucked down to keep slack from the reins, to give me even better balance. I stood up slowly, moving along with the rhythm of the horse, just as Bob had instructed me to do. My knees moved smoothly and I put my free hand out for balance.

  The audience broke into a roar of applause, yelling and screaming, catcalling and whistling. I waved to the Anus as I rode past, standing tall and straight on the confident back of Bob the horse. I leaned slightly into the curves. I lifted up one foot then the other, but only after putting the first foot back down. I never had both feet in the air at the same time. Even I was not that good of a circus acrobat
.

  I was enjoying myself and having a great time. I'd never been so brave as to stand on the back of a moving anything. I felt like I could do anything. So I decided to try.

  "Faster, Bob," I said to the horse.

  Bob shook his head. He was a lot smarter than I was and knew this was a bad idea.

  "Get moving, Bob. I can handle it."

  Again with the head shaking.

  I kicked him with one heel along his spine. "Move it or I'll send you back to Lug. Don't embarrass me."

  Bob snorted and kicked up his heels a little higher, picking up more speed.

  I managed to stay on for a full turn. I went to lift my left leg, to be showy, and realized I didn't have the best balance in the world to be going so fast while standing on horseback. My right leg shifted. My body became off balance. Then the ground came up to smack me in the face.

  I woke in my gold linen bed with a splitting headache. Bob was leaning over me, concern in his big brown eyes. He gave a sigh of relief when he saw my eyes open and dropped his nose onto the unused pillow by my head. Cu was also nearby, but he wasn't leaning over me. He was reading a book.

  I groaned to get his attention.

  "Are you stupid?" Cu said as he hopped up to sit on the edge of the bed.

  "Perhaps," I muttered. "Sorry, Bob." I reached out and stroked his soft nose. "You knew better than I did. Sorry I pushed you into it."

  He blew breath out from between his lips.

  "Yeah, I'm really sorry." I pulled his nose closer to me and gave him a little hug. "Still buds, right?"

  Bob snorted gently and accepted my apology.

  I sat up and Cu handed me a glass of water, which I drank until there was no more water. "How long was I out for?"

  Cu looked at the bedside clock. "About five hours."

  "Shit," I muttered. "Was Amergin mad?"

  "Nope. He thought you were the greatest thing he'd ever seen. He wants you to do it again tomorrow."

  I stifled a laugh. "What? Knock myself out?"

  Cu shrugged. "Maybe. I didn't ask him. Want me to go find out?" he said, indicating the door through which he would leave should I say yes.