Fractious

by Carrie Lynn Barker

  "About five in the morning," Cu said, tipping back his pint of beer. "You did it, you know."

  "Did what?" I muttered as I slowly sat up. "Got another concussion?"

  "That, too. No, brought back peaches."

  I smiled. "They survived the journey?"

  "That they did," Cu said, grinning. "Look, kid, I've got to go down to the kitchen in a few minutes. I don't have a clue if our plan will work or not, but it's a good plan. And you did good. You gonna be okay?"

  A few of his words reverberated in my head. Mainly "good," and "good." "I think I'll be all right," I said. "Though I'm beginning to think I'll be living with a headache for the rest of my life. Do I have to stay awake for twenty-four hours again?"

  "Yep," Cu said, getting to his feet. "But Bob will stay up with you. You two only have a couple more hours to rehearse your routine."

  "Routine?" I said. I fixed my eyes on Bob, who was standing in the doorway between his room and mine. "We have a routine?" I asked the horse.

  Bob snorted and nodded, tossing his black mane.

  "You think that will distract Amergin enough to not question what he's eating?"

  Bob nodded again.

  "Okay, buddy," I said. "Then let's do it."

  Cu passed off the remainder of his beer to me and I downed the last few inches. "Fiacha will send up breakfast for you and Bob," he said as he was leaving. "Beneath the napkin will be the knife. I hope Amergin will be so pissed off by what we're feeding him that he won't have time to think. You're gonna have to be fast."

  I shook my head, thinking about everything that would come to pass this day. "Oh, yeah," I said as Cu went out the door. "I met a kid on the other side of the wall."

  "Ollam," Cu said. "Fiacha said to tell you that she's sorry she forgot to put him on the map. He's the spirit of the waterfall. He didn't give you any trouble, did he?"

  "Only chucked me over the wall and asked way too many questions," I said. "And tell Fiacha that her map sucks."

  "Will do," Cu said and retreated off down the hallway, headed for the kitchen.

  I closed the door behind him and turned to Bob. "Ready, old fella?"

  Bob neighed quietly.

  "Okay, so you're not that old," I said. "Neither am I, but my head's been smashed up too many times in recent days to make me as coherent as I used to be. So be gentle with me, huh?"

  Bob nodded once more. I went to him and patted his nose, and then we set about planning our entertainment for the day.

  * * * *

  In the dining hall at ten o'clock, Bob and I stood in the center, tall, proud and completely sure of ourselves. We probably should have been rethinking our options, but instead we were ready to make complete fools of ourselves.

  Or quite possibly rid this world of an evil wizard.

  Before us was a giant hoop. Beyond that, Amergin sat in his throne, his chin in his hand, contemplating the hoop. On a TV tray beside him sat a delicious looking meal he had yet to touch.

  My heart pounded in my chest and my brain pounded in my skull. Together they were pounding out the tune of Pomp and Circumstance. I was pretty sure that our idea was not going to work, but what other choice did I have? I kept reminding myself that this was all for a mansion in Beverly Hills, complete with butler. What more could I ask for? Once Amergin was dead, Cu and I could make our way back to his king and I could go home to my world. The thought suddenly filled me with dread.

  I realized that Amergin was staring intently at me and had been for the last five minutes. I shook off my thoughts in order to make my announcement. And I kept my announcement as simple as possible. "So, Bob and I are going to jump through a hoop of fire."

  Amergin's head perked up. "Really? Through that hoop? That thing is so small. You'll never make it!"

  I raised my eyebrows. I hadn't contemplated the size of the hoop. Nor the fact that Bob and I might not make it. I'd just asked an engineer named Anu to make me a hoop that Bob and I were able to jump through. I'd never figured upon physics or the details of the architecture. I'd never figured that the engineer Anu might get the measurements wrong or something.

  Bob kicked me in the back of one knee with his hoof and I stumbled slightly. "Yes," I said as I reanimated. "Bob and I are going to jump through that hoop while it is on fire."

  "Anu," Amergin called out. "You gotta see this!"

  A large group of Anus appeared out of the corners and hallways and gathered themselves on the tables, which once again were pushed off to the side. They began to chatter amongst themselves, sounding like a large group of monkeys instead of what passed for people. The majority of them didn't believe I'd make it, either.

  I felt discouraged. But then again, it had been my idea in the first place and I'd only been half conscious when suggesting it. Very little thought had gone into this stunt. I don't tend to do much thinking when I'm unconscious, half conscious or even fully conscious.

  Amergin motioned for Fiacha, who was standing nearby. "Chica, go get me something for dessert. This stunt requires cobbler."

  Fiacha, knowing Amergin would make this request, because he usually made this request when about to witness something spectacular, left without protest at being made to work during her time off. I saw her glance my way and give me a thumbs up.

  What I really wanted was not to be here.

  I mounted Bob and turned him, using only his mane. I'd even removed the bridle he always wore, to make the stunt even more fantastic. He moved at the slightest tug on his hair. Not that he needed the direction; he already knew what was going to come to pass here, in this dining hall. The plan was for me to stall until Amergin got his dessert and wait until he had the fork full of cobble in his mouth. Then Bob and I would run as fast as we could so we'd get enough speed to jump through the flaming hoop. Except we wouldn't stop when we got through the hoop. We'd continue at our fastest pace towards Amergin. I had the knife up my sleeve--the only time in my life I'd ever had anything up my sleeve--and I'd use said knife to stab Amergin in the heart.

  I only hoped I could find his heart. I only hoped he had a heart.

  An Anu approached the hoop when I gave him the signal, which was nothing more than a wave of my hand in the general direction of the hoop. He touched a flaming torch to the hoop, which burst into a ring of flames.

  Amergin applauded in his usual gleeful manner.

  I put my heels to Bob's flanks but Amergin put up a hand. "Wait until I get my cobbler!"

  I relaxed. I waited. I began swinging my legs back and forth at Bob's sides, impatient. The flaming hoop beckoned, crackling, snapping and popping as it burned. If we waited too long, it would go out and there'd be no more flaming hoop for us to jump through.

  I clucked my tongue on the roof of my mouth and breathed a deep sigh of relief when Fiacha appeared, carrying a very special cobbler that would hopefully piss off Amergin enough so he wouldn't realize that Bob and I were rushing headlong at him until it was too late to move out of the way.

  I told you our plan wasn't very good. What type of plan involves cobbler, a flaming hoop and a knife anyway? Just mine, apparently.

  Fiacha set the cobbler down and moved a good distance away. Amergin picked up a fork. I could see him beginning to dig into the cobbler with his fork. "Proceed," he said, with a flamboyant wave of his hand.

  I did just that.

  Bob didn't need the hint of my heels kicking his sides or the slight tug of my hands in his mane, but I kicked him and tugged his mane anyway. Not hard, mind you, just a touch and a pull to let him know I was ready. Which I was not, by the way.

  I watched the flaming hoop draw nearer as Bob picked up speed. I watched Amergin put the first heaping mouthful of cobbler into his mouth then quickly shovel in a second before even tasting the first. I watched his eyes go wide and I smiled in triumph.

  I didn't even know we were at the hoop until the flames licked at my hair. I could feel the heat and I closed my eyes, terrified that I was going to crash and burn on horsebac
k. But Bob knew his stuff. He cleared the bottom of the hoop and missed the top and sides, going right through the direct center with grace that I didn't even know he possessed. He was like a chestnut arrow with a thick, black mane and tail. I rarely mention it, but the star on his forehead shown bright white against his coat. Not that I could see it, but I knew it did. I'd shined it myself before going out into the dining hall. Bob sailed through the hoop in perfect form and I almost loved him for it.

  Okay, I did love him for it. It's okay to love a horse. Right?

  When his hooves clattered on the ground on the other side, I slipped the knife from the strap sown into my sleeve, a trick I'd been practicing for all of thirty minutes but had gotten the hang of anyway. The knife wasn't very big, but it was sharp and would do the trick.

  Bob gathered himself as he hit the ground and launched himself into a super fast run. I looked to see Amergin standing before his throne, his hands clutched to his throat. Only then did I understand why Amergin hated peaches.

  There was no need for me to murder the dude anymore.

  I yanked on Bob's mane and hollered at him to stop. He dug in his heels, if horses even have heels, and slid to a grinding halt on the stone floor. Amergin's eyes met mine, wide and scared. I almost felt bad. It wasn't a pretty way to die.

  As I watched, still perched on Bob's back, Amergin's throat began to swell. His eyes continued to bulge in their sockets until his nose looked like it was balancing a couple of ping pong balls. His hands suddenly didn't fit around his throat anymore and he sagged to his knees. A look of complete understanding crossed his face as he fell forward, smack onto the ground. He gave a little twitch and was still, then twitched once more and remained still, never to twitch again.

  I more than half expected the Anus to rush forward to save their boss, yet I was surprised to see them all standing as still as Amergin was lying. They stared with wide eyes and nobody even twitched as I walked Bob over to the now motionless body of the wizard. He kicked Amergin with a hoof and the body didn't do so much as shudder. Bob snorted, satisfied that Amergin wasn't going to jump up and attack me as I hopped down.

  I put my fingers against the wizard's swollen throat and felt nothing, although I probably felt nothing because his throat was the size of his head. So, for good measure, I flipped him over. His face was a very pretty shade of purple.

  Bob snorted again, pleased.

  "Yep, he's dead," I said.

  A cheer went up from the previously motionless Anus. It rang out bright and cheerful in a room that had been utterly silent a minute before. They seemed pretty happy about the declaration of the death of Amergin. The Anus began to leap up, first individually then in pairs and quintets, and they began to dance around the room. They linked arms and did some square dancing. They put their hands on each others' shoulders and made a conga line. A few did some swing dancing and two or three did some classic River Dance. Michael Flatley would have been proud.

  I looked up at Bob with a bright smile on my face. He bent his head down and licked me. Fiacha was beaming off to the side of the scene, and I suddenly saw Cu appear between Bob's two front legs.

  "Well, that was easier than I thought," Cu said, examining the body. "Who knew, all this time, that all somebody had to do was feed the bastard peach cobbler."

  "He must have been deathly allergic to peaches," I said.

  "Wish I'd known that before," Fiacha said, standing at Cu's side. "I would have poisoned him long ago. But I thought he was immune to everything. Wizards are all supposed to be immune to everything!"

  I looked at Cu for a second opinion on this statement of Fiacha's, but he only shrugged.

  A group of Anus came up to me. One stood about a half inch taller than the rest and that seemed to make him the natural leader. "We wanted to say thanks for finally killing that bastard," he said. "We've all hated him for such a long time, but he always turned people into frogs when they tried to escape.

  "You have no idea what life is like being a human trapped in a frog's body. It's horrible. All that croaking and catching flies. Damn, he never did change Anu back after Anu broke that oriental vase. Anu's gonna be pissed." He paused to scratch his chin, and then shrugged a single shoulder. "Anyway, we wanted to know if there was anything we could do for you? Anything at all?"

  "Probably should put out that fire," I said, pointing back over my shoulder to the still flaming, though petering down to smoldering, hoop.

  "We'll get right on it," the Anu said, gesturing to his friends to help him. Within a few minutes, they had the flaming hoop out and had rejoined the happy festivities.

  "Now what do we do?" I said to Cu.

  "Burn him," Cu suggested.

  "But we just had the fire put out."

  Cu smirked at me. He left and returned with a flaming torch. To my surprise, he handed it to me.

  I took it with some revelry. Not a lot; just some.

  "Anything you need from your room?" Cu said.

  I shook my head. Much as I liked the gold linen bed sheets and the settee, I didn't have any need for bed sheets and Bob couldn't carry the settee all by himself. I knew Cu wouldn't help me with that, so I put it down as a loss.

  "Fiacha?" Cu said a second later, looking her in the eyes. "What about you?"

  Her face brightened, and then faded. "What do I tell my husband?"

  "Tell him whatever you want," Cu said.

  She ran over to a particular Anu and pulled him aside. She gestured wildly with her hands as she spoke but if she did anything else, I missed it because I'd turned back to Cu. "So, when did you two have your little talk?"

  "When you were out cold," he said. "How's the head, anyway?"

  I rubbed it on the spot where he usually hit me with his still absent bright green top hat, which was where I'd been hit almost every time since the first time he hit me, and not just by him. I'd be missing those attacks very soon, I thought. "Achy, but I'll live. I always seem to."

  "Good," Cu said. "Hey, Anus!"

  The Anus stopped their parading and general escapades and looked to the Tuatha Dé. "What?" they called out as one.

  "Get yourselves your own damned original names and get out of this place!"

  The Anus cheered. "I wanna be Bob!" one yelled.

  "No, I want to be Bob!" said another, shoving the first.

  "We can all be Bob!" someone suggested.

  "But that goes against what Cu just said," another Anu said.

  "Then I wanna be Cu!"

  "No, I wanna be Cu!"

  "We can all be Cu!"

  And so on. Nobody suggested being Guy, and I was surprisingly glad. I stood and watched them argue in this fashion until Cu called me.

  "Hey, Fractious!"

  I turned to him.

  He nodded his head at the Tuatha Dé woman who stood beside him, her hand already in his. "Ready?"

  "What did your husband say?"

  Fiacha smiled and blushed slightly. "He said we were never legally married anyway. Amergin was never ordained, he just said he was. If there's any lesson to be learned in all this, it's never trust a wizard. He said to go have fun. He likes the scullery maid, anyway. Let's go."

  I beamed at her, glad to see her hand entwined so tightly and so effortlessly with Cu's. I looked up at Bob, who was watching the Anus with his wide, brown eyes. "Ready, Bob?"

  Bob neighed.

  "Then let's go." I hoisted myself onto his back and put my hand down for Cu. I lifted Cu up behind me then Fiacha somehow ended up behind him.

  Torch in hand, I bent over Bob's side and touched the flame to Amergin's robes. They ignited immediately. His purple face and wide eyes were enveloped in a heartbeat.

  Bob backed away and waited until I touched my heels to his flanks. I waited to give him the signal to move out until Amergin began turning black and the smell of burning wizard filled the air.

  Just to be safe.

  He was a wizard, after all, and who knows if they can come back from the dead or
not. Once he was all aflame and smelling like burnt brisket, I took a relieved breath.

  I put my heels against Bob's sides, and the horse turned and trotted away.

  * * * *

  It took a while to find our way out, but the Anus began filing past us, their belongings strapped to their backs, and we followed them down the corridors. Some of the servants and maids began to appear too, carrying whatever they could.

  It was a looting party now, with everyone carrying silver candlesticks or dinnerware and a multitude of other valuables. We passed someone carrying a portrait of the wizard himself. Bob quickly put a hoof through it, giving the poor man who carried it a snort of an apology--a fake apology, of course. The Anu with the now destroyed portrait stood and pouted for a second before hoisting a marble-topped side table onto his back and continuing on. We had to ask directions twice, even after we began following the tide of Anus, before we found our way back to the main gate.

  The gate was open and people were streaming out, both human and Tuatha Dé alike, with the very occasional Goat Person thrown in just for fun. Cu made Bob stop at a certain bush, where he retrieved his bright green top hat and the sword he'd bought from Tat the sword maker on a day that seemed like at least two eons ago. He donned his bright green top hat, and then handed the sword to me. He looked so much more like himself, with the bright green top hat rightfully restored to his head, that I stared at him for a minute, beaming.

  I hooked the leather cord of the sword over my shoulder and kept the sword from swinging around to hit Bob's other passengers. After I hoisted Cu back up, we continued on our way. I certainly felt much better now that Cu had his bright green top hat and I had my sword, not that the sword had ever done me any good at any time in my life. It just felt right.

  We rode quickly since we were going downhill. Bob took us swiftly down the mountainside to the meadow where we'd so recently spent the night. Nothing had come to kidnap us that night, and nothing came to kidnap us this night either as we camped in the meadow. Men and women from Amergin's hideout streamed past us through most of the night, but we were not eaten, nor were we eaten slowly, so we felt pretty good in the morning. Bob even fell asleep during his watch again but we still woke up alive and happy.