Superficial

by Andy Cohen

  Went to the U.S. Open with Jackie and saw the two Italian women play against each other in the finals. We were in the Air Emirates box, and when we walked in they had me take pictures with some flight attendants in native garb. There was a bartender who said he didn’t have any rosé, but could he interest me in some Pouilly-Fuissé? I was more interested in the way he was stuffed into his little Air Emirates outfit. Went into the match and some guy next to me looked like a superstar and said his name was Paul and he was supposed to be on my show at SXSW so I emailed my team, who said they think it’s Paul Wesley from The Vampire Diaries and I googled him and it was confirmed. He was with his girlfriend, who is also on the show. They said they live in LA and I asked if they had a Jacuzzi, which set off a whole thing because he has been begging her to get one since they bought the house and she says it’s cheesy and I said oh, no, you have to get one. Jackie and I wound up inside the box to eat some cake in a jar, have a refill of the Pouilly-Fuissé, and determine if the bartender was straight or not. He was cruising me even more than I him, and just as I was wondering how I was going to give him my number he came by with a refill and put his card in my hand.

  While all this was going on inside, one of the Italians won the match. We were stunned that we had so totally lost track of the score. So that was lame. We were inside for the win! But we got out in a jiff. Went home and sexted the bartender and napped with Wacha while it rained. Had made plans to meet Mark, Kelly, and Anderson at prettyugly, but I got so tired and I need to be ready for the crazy coming week so I watched a documentary about the Rolling Stones and went to bed.

  SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2015

  Village Den for breakfast. Sat near this kid I dated who was with that hot blond guy from the gym and it turns out they’ve been dating for months, so that got me feeling left out. Went to the DVF fashion show, where I gave Fran Lebowitz the stink eye, which I am sure she couldn’t see because she was too busy giving me the stink eye. Skyped with Mom and Dad and tried to explain the schedule of Radio Andy and Mom said, “I don’t want to have to listen THE WHOLE DAMN DAY! I’m not going to just SIT HERE and listen all day!” Yeah, I gotcha. Went to Amanda’s for Rosh Hashanah dinner—I said, let’s each say what we would change from our past. Mine was that when I came to New York I would’ve tried to settle down into a relationship instead of having casual sex, to not follow my id all over the place. Maybe I would be married with kids. Is that what I would want right now? I can’t decide. Went to WWHL with Mindy Kaling and Bryshere “Yazz” Grey, who is Hakeem from Empire, and when the show started I fucked up his name, which was horrible. Couldn’t sleep because I’m so excited about the Radio Andy launch tomorrow.

  MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2015

  First day of school! Woke up for good at seven but had been up several times and kept waking Wacha up and kissing him. He wasn’t launching Radio Wacha and thus wasn’t having It. I took the subway to Sirius—best ride in NYC. Got there and it was quite unglamorous—there was nowhere for me to work so I sat in the hallway with Tim going over my rundown. John Hill arrived and soon enough I was live for two hours. It felt good, but also like a free fall. Carol Burnett came and SJP called in and asked about Moon Over Broadway. After the show I saw Gary Dell’Abate in the hallway, which made me feel like I really worked there. Then, while I was doing interviews with ET and Extra, I saw Howard walking by and flipped out—I ran to the window and he gave me a thumbs-up. That’s like seeing Obama at the White House. Did a conference call with the Best Night Ever producers, who want me to do this skit involving the Housewives. They punked this woman who is a Real Housewives fan with Housewives all over her and they want me to host a “reunion show” onstage. All I know is that I had tickets for Hamilton that night, so I have to cancel them and they are impossible to get.

  All day long I kept turning on the radio and listening to my channel. We’re live! Meanwhile people kept tweeting me asking where I was in the Vanity Fair picture. By the end of the day I was in a total rage about it. I can’t believe I let myself get in that place again. At least it was the Real Housewives Awards on WWHL and it felt like I had the night off because it was Ramona and Tamra.

  TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2015

  Emailed Teresa in prison to let her know she won a Real Housewives Award for best reunion shocker moment. She said:

  DO I ACTUAL GET A TROPHY LIKE AT THE OSCARS? I WILL BE HOME REAL SOON CAN’T WAIT. KISSES

  Taped Joy Behar and Ciara. Before the live show I was interviewing Jessica Biel for radio and came out of my office and Dori said that Wacha bit Rick Springfield. I ran to his room and said, “My dog bit you?!?” He raised his hand up and it had a Band-Aid on it with blood showing through! He said it was his fault, actually, that his wife always warns him that he roughhouses too much with strange dogs and that one day one will bite him. So tonight he pulled Wacha’s ear hard and Wacha bit him. I felt a little better because there was cause and effect. Got home late and saw on Instagram that Bruce had liked something, so he was up—late for him in LA—and I called him. While we were yammering, a little mouse ran behind my bed in my room. He said, you’re going to be okay going to bed knowing there is a mouse running around your room? I said yes; if it was a beetle or roach I’d be calling John Hickey or checking into a hotel but I feel like Wacha will kill the mouse before it gets to me. I mean, he just bit Rick Springfield—he’s fierce.

  WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2015

  Sandra Bernhard is killing it on Radio Andy. I could listen to her talk all day. Interviewed Brooks. I predicted he and Vicki would get back together after the reunion but he said no, he was moving to Florida. When I said goodbye I said, “I’ll see you again,” and he said, “No, I don’t think you ever will.”

  It was Madonna’s opening night at MSG and I went with Hickey. I had been emailing Guy Oseary asking him to please check and make sure I had great tickets. It turns out he quite literally got me the very best seats in the house—right at the tip of the ramp she comes down in the middle of the show. We were next to Jessica Seinfeld, Amy Schumer, and Guy, and on the other side Ariana Grande with her brother, Frankie, and their mom. They seem really close to their mom. During the middle of it I said to Ariana, that’s you in forty-five years. She was touched. I am not sure I totally believed it, but I wanted to make her feel good. It worked. Oh, and JLo was there, maybe in flannel? (Maybe my eyes were bad.) The concert was perfect—I loved her set list and she was joyous and grateful and had a great attitude. She sang “Material Girl,” “Deeper and Deeper,” “True Blue” (as a country song), and “Music,” and when she was at the end of the ramp doing a little sing-along with “Who’s That Girl” she said, “I see you, Andy Cohen!” and I looked at Hickey and we were all OMG, OMG. Hickey basically walked away from me because he couldn’t handle everyone looking over at us. Of course she did “La Isla Bonita,” which at this point is like her national anthem. She always does it! She closed with “Holiday” and, I mean, OMG again.

  We went to Barracuda but I had forgotten my ID, so they wouldn’t let me in. Then we went to G Lounge and they wouldn’t let me in there, either. So we went home, got my ID, gave the confused dog a treat, and went back to Barracuda. I flirted with Angela Lansbury’s assistant (I am being serious) for a bit and talked to a whole bunch of really drunk people before I went home.

  THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2015

  #BritActor is moving here in October. I went and looked at two apartments for him and found him one. It is highly unusual for me to look at two apartments for someone. He just got out of a relationship, though, so I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere despite our FaceTime flirts. He’s quite charming and cute. Wacha has been extra sensitive, cowering every time I make a fast movement to grab his leash or close a cabinet. Sherman called to say he has been acting very tentative and scared with him lately too. It’s clear he was abused, and that kills us both.

  Had a meeting at the construction site—the first in three months! The entire studio apartment is d
emoed and the walls are about to go up. I asked Slavo his prediction for move-in and he said April. Taped a show w/ Kaley Cuoco and Serayah McNeill. The bartender was this trainer, and when he came in I said, “Nice to meet you,” and he said, “Good to see you again.” After the show he said, do you remember me? I said no. He said that we sat next to each other on a flight when I was going to visit Liam and Natasha in France eleven years ago. Turns out he’s the one and only guy I’ve fooled around with on a plane! Yes, I said, I remember that flight! It was a good flight, right? In my defense, at the time his hair was long and he was a yoga teacher. I ran and told the entire staff, whose mouths were agape.

  Went to Madonna again with Bill Curtin, Grac, and Neal. We were right at the tip of the dick again and there were stars all around us: Alicia Keys in a jaunty red hat, Sean Penn(!), Chris Rock, Amy Schumer and Jessica Seinfeld again, and Mark and Kelly. Watching Sean Penn watch Madonna singing “True Blue” was very touching. He sighed afterwards and paused, and then was clapping very slowly and sweetly. Guy said, “She wants you to go right up there when she gets to the tip.” You didn’t have to ask me twice—Kelly and I were right up there and she gave Kelly a shout-out. And Kelly and I were on the big screen, which was exciting. I’m basically a fourteen-year-old girl squealing at getting on the big screen at a Madonna concert, except a fourteen-year-old girl wouldn’t be squealing at a Madonna concert. Maybe I’m a fifty-four-year-old girl. Grac says “Holiday” could be the theme for the UN.

  Madonna had an after party at Soho House. I walked in and the whole place smelled like Madonna. Are there Madonna-approved scents, and then does she have someone in there spraying her scent before she gets there? I was talking to Derek Blasberg at the front door around twelve forty-five when the queen walked in—with grill—and I was so glad to be there at the door so I could give her two huge hugs and tell her how amazing the show was and how perfect she is. She said she was exhausted and she hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before. She sat with Sean Penn, and I left gratified that they were together.

  FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2015–SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2015—NYC—WYOMING—NYC

  I love destination weddings—they have the potential to be like a weekend-long drawing-room comedy. I especially love a destination wedding that’s shrouded in secrecy, filled with huge stars, and has a decoy location to fool paparazzi—so Ricky and Allison’s in Wyoming was a trip. I got to hang a lot with Bruce, Bryan, Jason, Lauren, DVF and Barry, Hammy, John Mayer, and Michael and Wes. Went shooting, which was fun but I had FOMO about not going horseback riding. I just wanted to do whatever activity Bruce was doing. Flirted a lot with a local waiter whose crazy blue eyes overshadowed an aggressive forehead, and even better he was a wrestler/swing dancer, which is about the winningest combination I could concoct. Actually he might’ve been a clogger now that I think of it. He has a girlfriend, but by the end of the wedding night I actually thought I had a chance. Young people are fluid!

  The plane home was DVF, Barry, Hamilton, the Springsteens, and the Hankses, and my favorite part was listening to Patti and Bruce plan a dinner with Jackson Browne. I mean! The thought of them having dinner made me happy. Patti said their son works at Sirius, and I said I just launched my own channel and Bruce said, “I have one too,” and for some reason that struck me as amazing. Got home and watched the Emmys, where half the wedding ran off to—three hours of awards to Veep, Olive Kitteridge, and Game of Thrones. In other words, very boring.

  MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2015

  Sleepless before radio show. I wonder if this is how it will be every Monday for three years, but I imagine I’ll get used to it. First I was on Sway’s morning show on Shade 45, then I did my live two-hour show—Anderson was on and was charming. We’re trying to sell tickets to AC2, as we have dates in Minneapolis, D.C., and Columbus coming up. Then I taped two countdown shows, did a photo shoot and interview for the Wall Street Journal, went home to poop and get Wacha, and then went to WWHL to tape a show with Pam Anderson—who looks great and answered every disgusting question I asked—and Meredith Vieira, who gasped a few times. I don’t blame her. Then I interviewed Meredith for Radio Andy, called Vicki Gunvalson (who is very upset about Brooks’s breakup and cancer accusations playing out on camera), and went home with the dog for Chinese leftovers and to watch an RHOC cut, then taped an interview with David and Shannon Beador for air later, and then did the live show with Gretchen and Shannon. What did you do today, Seacrest???

  WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2015

  Neicy came and she said, oh, by the way, you realize you have mice here, don’t you? I knew, but I wasn’t allowing myself to really accept it. I said I’d noticed Wacha sniffing around, but shouldn’t he have killed them by now? She said dogs don’t kill mice, which was headline news to me. Now I’m wondering what the fuck this dog does do. Well, he kills flies, but that seems unnecessary. Flies aren’t the problem. I’m on Fallon next week and Jimmy had loved the Tori Spelling story about the email and said, oh, you gotta tell that, so I’ve been kind of nervous about that because she may not like it.

  Fasted today for Yom Kippur and broke it at Amanda’s. The live show was Rabbi Shmuley at the bar with Sandra Bernhard and Chrissie Hynde as guests. Sandra said before the show not to be offended by Chrissie; she’s rock and roll and doesn’t suffer fools—not exactly what this fool wanted to hear right before air. And Chrissie didn’t seem into it at all, but then during the last commercial break she said, “This is so great; I love it!” Not sure that was translating to the folks at home.

  THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2015

  Woke up super early for the Today show because streets were closed for Pope traffic and wound up flying up Sixth Avenue. Had to bring the dog because we were going to Jersey after for a shoot, so the whole thing was complicated. Matt was generous with me, and so sweet off-air, in his teeny little tight suit. And I told Carson Daly I have a picture of me screaming behind him from when Madonna did a private concert at MTV promoting American Life and realized hours later that I tell him that every time I see him. I saw Suze Orman backstage and said, “I know you’re too scared to come on my show, but you should do it,” and she said Jillian Michaels told her not to and I said, that woman is absolutely nuts. Went to Jersey to shoot the Subaru “The More You Know” commercial with Wacha, who nipped the guy putting the harness on him. And then I got in a fight with the dog trainer on set, who was giving him bacon. I said, please don’t—I don’t feed him human food. She said, well, that’s why it’s a treat, because it’s bacon! And I said yeah, but there are treats for dogs, which are what I prefer to give him. She never got rid of her cup of bacon, which enraged me. And the director was so specific about what he wanted Wacha to do (“We want him in the seat with the ball in his mouth, facing the front”) and I was like, this dog is a rescue who just bit the prop guy putting the fucking seatbelt harness on him; he’s not going to do that.

  Next I had to go to Brooklyn from New Jersey—which I was very stressed about due to Pope traffic—to interview Connie Chung for Then and Now with Andy Cohen (Bravo ordered three episodes!), which sounds like Face to Face with Connie Chung or even Eye to Eye with Connie Chung. It turned out we flew to Brooklyn. And it turns out that black isn’t the only thing that don’t crack! She looks like vintage Connie. She really spilled about Dan, who wasn’t nice to her, and Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding, who she said were “wretched little wenches.” Sherman came to pick Wacha up from there because he was stressed about getting him in the morning due to Pope traffic. (See how the Pope is just fucking us all up?) Got home at nine forty-five completely spent and the show was on tape and I had no plans, no dog, and a night free. Was going to get a massage but told him not to come because I thought I could drum up some plans but I then couldn’t make anything happen so I got two slices of pizza and sat in my kitchen eating them, sipping on some of Ramona’s Pinot Grigio looking at the mousetraps the super set up during the day, feeling lonely and sorry for myself. Then a mouse ran right by th
e traps into the radiator and I went to bed.

  FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015–SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2015—NYC—ST. LOUIS

  Ray picked me up extra early to go to the airport because of Pope traffic, and guess what—we flew there again. I was an hour early, and the flight was delayed so I was actually three hours early. Abby was completely whipped into a frenzy about seeing Taylor Swift next week, and we got to talking about her first concert—Fifth Harmony—which got her so wound up and happy she said, “Now that I’m reliving this moment, I have to do a victory dance!!” and proceeded to give me her most euphoric dance. To be nine again! Did a paid gig at the Young Presidents Organization of St. Louis and a lady was auditioning so hard to be a Housewife. “I live on fifteen acres!” she said. “I entertain for two hundred and fifty people under a tent in my yard! I host Splashercize classes in my pool every morning for all sorts of women! My husband ran for governor!” The interviewer, in front of the two hundred white people (I counted four Jews, which is four more than I expected) asked me what I thought of what happened in Ferguson. I started to go into a soliloquy about white privilege (now I’m preaching about white privilege, when three months ago I had no clue) and all the buildings being boarded up in Clayton and segregation in the suburbs and stuff. Then I read the room, took a breath and punted. After dinner met all the Cohen brothers at Kreis’ Steakhouse, then went to Kari’s to watch the end of the Cardinals game.

  I slept ten hours and woke up feeling like a Mack truck hit me. Woke up at 4:00 a.m. not knowing where I was, which never happens to me. I felt for the dog and forgot he was in another city.… In the morning we made a bitmoji avatar for Mom, who was very vocal with her feedback: “You made my boobs huge!!!! I’m not fat! I need WRINKLES!” Went to Café Manhattan with Judy and Stanley. Ate a tremendous amount of pizza, and Lucy fixed the settings on my MLB app. On the way to the Saturday-night baseball game I Periscoped in the car, which didn’t go over well with my mom. “What the hell is PERISCOPE? ANOTHER way for you to EXPRESS YOURSELF? Your EGO!!!” We were in the green seats to the left of the dugout and our waiter, Randy, was omnipresent. My parents asked Randy about the food this evening as though there was a chef who was making it differently every night. How are the burgers tonight? It was decided that the hot dogs were incredible that night but the burgers were horrible. My mother’s monologue ran nonstop throughout the game. She comes up with the absolute worst scenario for a batter and then projects it into the world. So Kolten Wong comes up to bat and she screams, “Don’t HIT INTO A DOUBLE PLAY!” and instead the kid gets a double. And on and on.