Superficial

by Andy Cohen

  We won, and I was meeting Jon Jay after the game to go out with a group for dinner. The players’ parking lot was all trucks and muscle cars with tinted windows. Went to the Gamlin Whiskey House and it was a shit-ton of Cardinals girls and their men. Everyone is so young: Jay, Lance Lynn, Wacha with his young girlfriend (who is twenty-two!), Wong (I didn’t tell him my mom was responsible for heckling him). Wacha asked how Wacha was and I said he bit Rick Springfield. Then I said, “Do you even know who that is?” He said, “A singer.” I said, “Wow.” He said, “He sings ‘Born to Run.’” I said no, that’s Bruce Springsteen, and then I said do you know who that is and he said kind of. And none of the other guys did either. So there you go.

  MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2015—NYC

  I was in a bad mood for my radio show—I had woken up way too early, I was upset about the dog (who acted up again last night in front of some Boston Red Sox who were at the show), I’d had two early phone interviews and neither person showed up for them, and I had tea breath. But five minutes into the show Jimmy called in because he was listening in the car on his way into the city, and there’s no way to not be happy when Jimmy calls in, so he totally turned my mood around! Taped a show with Stamos and Kathleen Turner, then worked out with Stan, my Ukrainian mistress, at Equinox. Ran into Anderson on the street and—seemingly out of nowhere—he begged me to go to his dentist. I asked what was wrong with my teeth, and he said there are a few things wrong with them and he’s been wanting to tell me for a while. Oh. My. God. Interviewed Sandra Bernhard in Brooklyn for Then and Now, went to the Polo Bar with Jodi and crew for her birthday (saw Nacho Figueras, Charles Fagan, and Charlie Rose), and then did the live show with Annabelle from Ladies of London and Heather Dubrow. Neither lady was feeling the other.

  TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

  It was like Christmas this morning because I got to do Howard Stern. I was early and sat in the car for ten minutes with Ray, listening to the show, and I could see Ronnie The Limo Driver waiting for me in the lobby. Hung out with Gary in the greenroom and then it was a freewheeling hour-long shoot-the-shit fest. I’d ranked the men of the Stern show in order of hotness—they asked me to—so that was a major topic. From there I went to Brooklyn to interview Kelly for Then and Now. She was a sound-bite machine! Then went to WWHL, where I taped Julianne Moore and Kristen Wiig, which was phenomenal. Kristen Wiig is beyond the beyond. So brilliant. Then we taped the MDLLA guys. Then I went home, by which time it was pouring. I napped. Dinner at the Waverly Inn with Sandy and Joel. Graydon Carter was there, and Martin Short and Beverly Johnson.

  WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2015—NYC—LOS ANGELES

  I keep wanting Kim Fields to put something about Tootie in her tag line and she won’t do it.

  I don’t even know what happened this morning, but a lightbulb went on in my head and I thought, “Why the hell am I not on PrEP?” I’d talked to my doctor about it when I went in a couple months ago and he’d said he would investigate. So I called him and he said, you’re right, I checked it out and you should do it. So I’m in. I got the prescription and took my first pill. I guess it’s a generational thing—all the kids are taking it, and we who have been so scared and waiting for this pill are just too shell-shocked to take it now that it’s here. Worked out with Ninj.

  Told the Tori story (sTori?) on Fallon and it went great. On the way to the airport I emailed her and said, “Hey, I told a story involving you on Fallon tonight in which I am very clearly the butt of the joke. I hope you laugh with me.” Landed in LA and spent a half hour on the tarmac waiting for a gate to become available and I became that guy: wildly craning my neck and muttering, “This is bullshit,” not under my breath. I thought I was going to rip the skin off my face. I almost threw my phone, then tried to squeeze it and see if I could break it, which I’m thankful I didn’t because then I would’ve been a baby without his Binky. When I finally got to the Sunset Tower Dimitri was in the front and couldn’t wait to tell me who had been there. “You missed an amazing night. An amazing night!” “Great,” I said briskly. “I’m sure tomorrow will be great too.” And he just couldn’t handle it. “Yes, yes. But tonight. Tonight was so special.” I told him I was happy for him. I am a nasty man.

  THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2015—LOS ANGELES

  Woke up and the sTori had gotten picked up every damn place. Still no return email from her, so I hope she doesn’t hate me. The OC reunion was today and the day began with Heather DuBrow railing at me about WWHL the other night; she had a whole list of reasons she didn’t love it, ranging from being in “second position” next to Annabelle from Ladies of London to my offending her because I said she loves Botox. So that was the beginning of the day. Oh, and the rumor was that Vicki was on Xanax, not sure I’d blame her if she was. But it was a good reunion—not too messy and a lot of dramatic shit. Tamra revealed her oldest daughter doesn’t speak to her and won’t live with her, I pulled out a smoking-gun-ish email from Alexis about Tamra’s newfound relationship with Jesus, and there was an endless amount of “Does Brooks have cancer” talk with lots of evidence and Vicki—who indeed seemed medicated—taking endless punches from the group. During lunch I begged Vicki not to take any more. She said she wouldn’t, but she took all the punches sitting quietly so who knows. Went to Bruce’s and hung with him and Bryan a bit.

  FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2015—LOS ANGELES

  Conference calls in the hotel room all morning, then went to Bravo to check in with people. Saw Jenn Levy, Comey, and Serwatka. Lunch at the Palm with Dan and Jane, hung with Bruce, had a meeting at World of Wonder, and then headed back to the Tower. Finally spoke to Kim Fields and gave her a pep talk about saying what she thinks and finding her funny, finding the absurdity in what’s around her. I even suggested putting her on the phone with Bethenny so she could give her pointers about being comfortable in front of the camera and she said she would love that, and then I texted Bethenny, who didn’t want to do it. Hahaha. Watty kept calling, saying NBC had big news for me and wanted to tell me personally. Finally, Paul Telegdy called to say they wanted me to host a live Hollywood Game Night on New Year’s Eve from NYC, which wasn’t the news I thought it was going to be. It seems weird for me to take over a show that I consider a rip-off of my own show, and when I noted the similarity to my show Paul said, yeah, there are no original ideas; every show is borrowed from another show. So he shut that down. I said maybe it can be called Manhattan Game Night or something. Then I went to Bruce and Bryan’s and we watched The Martian, which was an unequivocal piece of garbage—five movies in one. Watch it become a big hit. Went home and met John Mayer at the Tower Bar for a kiki.

  SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2015—LOS ANGELES—NYC

  Slept on the flight home. Went straight from JFK to Marley’s bat mitzvah, which Grac had been referring to as “the wedding” for months. Got teary-eyed seeing Grac being mom up there in front of everyone, with her Italian hairdo and dress. Marley was superb, and Grac pulled out all the stops. It was incredible. Went home and met #BrazilianAndySamberg, who is in for the weekend and was my date for Kelly’s birthday party at Anderson’s. We had a blast together. The Broad City girls were there, as well as Scarlett Johansson, NPH, Jussie Smollet, Jake Shears, Joe, Barry, Sandy, and Liza, who was sublime all night. She and #BAS fell in love. “Lovable” is a great word for him: he has great energy, and he’s so easy to be with, adorable, and really smart.

  SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2015

  Mom was at the manicurist and asked some woman who made her sweat suit and and she said, “It’s Lululemon.” Mom horrified her by saying it would be good for her box suit. So I should hold off on the shroud, she thinks, but she’s in no hurry. #BrazilianAndySamberg left for Boston, and I have a date with #BritActor tomorrow night and am feeling very torn between two lovers.

  MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2015

  I dreamed that Teresa was vice president of the United States and everybody loved her. I emailed her and said no joke, you were running for VP and had an answer for ev
erything and everyone was taken with you—isn’t that wild?

  Went to Anderson’s dentist, who turns out to be a massive Housewives fan—as is his wife, who came in and gave me chocolates (at the dentist!) and got a selfie. Had an amazing date with #BritActor. We went to the Waverly Inn—he was early, which I loved because I was also early. I had bought a new shirt for the occasion at Odin and he complimented it. It was very flirty and chatty and cozy and awkward silences and leg touching and everything you would want it to be. He had a cod fillet, which he called a “fill-ET,” which I liked. We walked to my construction site, then went upstairs and I showed him around the dark apartment and we had a big make-out session in the guest bedroom. Then we went to the Cubbyhole, where there was public kissing, then he walked me home and we laughed a lot. We were drunk and sweet. Went to bed thinking about him and #BAS, who is geographically unavailable but more stable.

  TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2015

  Got an email back from Teresa: “You never know, your dream might come true.…” But then I realized that I don’t think people who have been to jail can run for elected office, so I felt bad for opening that can of worms. Stupidly asked #BritActor to dinner for Friday even though we are seeing Hamilton on Sunday and he said well, we’re seeing each other Sunday, so I kind of blew that one. I’m acting so available, but the truth is I have a busy schedule and am not available at all. Went to tape Best Night Ever and brought Liza. It wasn’t the best night ever, but it was a feel-good kind of thing where they were surprising a Housewives superfan. Mom texted me a bitmoji of herself after the show that said “BORING!” That made me laugh out loud so hard! I texted her, “I love you.” She was so right. Victor, the elevator guy who listens to jazz, has been here since 1976!!! His dad worked here too! I said OMG, you have seen IT ALL.

  WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2015

  I’m pretty sure the mouse ODed on pot candy—Neicy found a half-eaten piece in my bathroom, so he’s probably tripping in some pipes somewhere. Or dead. Jill Zarin is on WWHL tomorrow night. I wanted a rating. She tweeted about it and asked people what she should wear, and people tweeted “Some humility,” “A muzzle,” “A microphone,” “A garbage bag.” People are so nasty on social media. My plan is for it to be nice. I don’t want bad blood.

  Took Wacha to the vet for his yearly checkup and shots, which was a disaster, as I predicted. They had me give him doggy Xanax an hour before bringing him (which didn’t work) and put a muzzle on him (which he escaped the second we got to the door of the vet’s office). I was flipping out because he was growling and they said, don’t worry; we will deal with this, and took him in the back and gave me water because I was shaking. Then they came in and said, it’s going bad, do we have permission to give him a shot that will knock him out? I said do it. They explained that they then give him another shot that will make him come to again. So a half hour later they came to get me. The shot that was supposed to knock him out didn’t fully work, but they still gave him the other one to bring him back too. The poor guy was legless and freaked out. Thankfully he got all his shots, so I am so happy. The second we left he just wanted to go to sleep on the sidewalk. But he stumbled home. People were laughing at him on the street!

  THURSDAY OCTOBER 8, 2015

  I confessed to the Ninj that I’ve been having a full-blown affair with Stanislav at Equinox. He was fine with our open relationship. I told him it’s a matter of my schedule, but that the windows and gay guys at Equinox are also tantalizing, which he understood. One thing I will not cheat on is my toaster oven. My love rages on for that machine, in which I was broiling my salmon today when I decided to finally unwrap the gift that I’d been keeping on top of it for three months. It was a book of Grateful Dead art that had melted because I had been keeping it on top of the toaster oven like a fucking idiot. Who would keep a wrapped present on top of a toaster that’s used about ten times a week? To make matters worse, I have no idea who gave me that gift.

  Taped Julie Andrews and Cate Blanchett, and we had four hot male models in lederhosen who were going to march in as the “lost von Trapp boys” but Julie’s publicist saw them in the hall about one minute before taping and said, “You cannot disrespect the legacy of The Sound of Music! We do not like that at all! You have to get rid of these boys.” So I said they were here celebrating Oktoberfest, they have nothing to do with the von Trapps. And that was that, and in the end Julie said, “Oh how lovely these boys are,” or something. She loved it. You never know if she really would’ve had a problem with the von Trapp thing or if it’s just the publicist mouthing off.

  Jill Zarin was on the live show, and it seemed like it should’ve been a lot of drama, or a lot of something, but it was pleasant. She never arrives empty handed, and she had a gift for me, which was jelly beans from Dylan’s Candy Bar. We had a birthday party for John Jude after and there was McDonald’s, against which I was powerless—I ate a cheeseburger and fries. Jill kept telling me how she is legitimately friends with all the women, that the thing with Ramona is just an act on Ramona’s end and they actually get along, that she is playing the best tennis of her life so she is ready to play tennis on the show.

  FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2015

  Cohosted the 10:00 a.m. hour of Today with Hoda and I was kind of on fire. They told me after the first break that I couldn’t say “cocked up” or “screwed” because there were kids watching. Hickey was a guest, so that was fun and easy. Met Lauren Zalaznick for tea at that hotel on Eighth Street and when I left at 5:20, Dark Sky told me it was going to downpour at 5:26. Six minutes later I’d made it to Fourteenth Street and Sixth Avenue, where I got caught in the massive downpour. Is Dark Sky going to put Janice Huff out of business? I have mixed feelings, as one can imagine. Got home and discovered I had left the terrace door open and Wacha was standing there looking at me, then back at the door with the rain and wind pouring in, with a look on his face that said, “You have no idea the HELL that has been breaking loose in this apartment.” Stayed home watching the Cardinals-Cubs play-off game (we won) and Dave called, very upset that a client had ruined his weekend. I tried talking him off the ledge but he was very angry, so I summoned him to my apartment for a scotch, which did the trick. It was all very freshman year at Boston University.

  SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2015—NYC—MINNEAPOLIS

  Walked Wacha by the construction. The temporary staircase is set up, but he was too scared to go down the stairs, which was humorous to me. He just stood there watching me on the downstairs level. Does he know something that I don’t?

  You can’t order a tea in the Delta terminal by asking a person for the tea, you have to do it on an iPad, which they keep telling you is so easy, but it’s not, and a lady had to show me how to do it. So it would’ve been easier just to tell the lady I wanted a tea. Then we took a selfie. The whole thing was a process. We have been working our white asses off selling tickets for tonight’s show and we’re still only at 85 percent. Some cities go immediately, like D.C. and Chicago, and others involve work. I guess 85 percent is nothing to sneeze at. Landed in Minneapolis and Anderson and I went to Ike’s for burgers. I ordered two kinds of onion rings for fun. Anderson was mortified I was eating onions, and I said that Minneapolis is known for their onion rings, so how could I not indulge, which he believed, and then I said I was kidding. We went deep about the upcoming presidential primary debate, his relationship, my date with #BritActor, #BrazilianAndySamberg, our careers, and my New Year’s Eve offer. We walked around aimlessly for a while and then went back to the hotel, where I watched the Cubs kill the Cardinals and took a quick nap during which I dreamed that I went down on Katy Perry.

  Our show was phenomenal. I had to pee throughout the second hour and started wondering what it would be like if I just left AC onstage for a minute while I peed, but I didn’t. The meet and greet was nuts. I was asking people if they are an Anderson or an Andy—many said Andy, but man, the ones who like Anderson want nothing to do with me. After a really intense scene at the stage doo
r, we went to Jetset, where we lasted twenty minutes or so and then split.

  SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2015—MINNEAPOLIS—NYC

  Tried and failed to write my speech for Tuesday in Texas on the plane home. Hung out with #BritActor, who told me he slept with this guy I know last night after Horse Meat Disco, which led me into a maze of emotion. On one hand, there is a cornucopia of boys in New York, and he’s newly single and enjoying it. But on the other hand, you want someone you have a crush on to only have eyes for you. We were supposed to see Hamilton, but I had to work. The whole thing was kind of a bummer. The show was Joe and Joe—Giudice and Gorga. I asked Joe Gorga if he blames Joe Giudice for his sister being in jail and he said, “Yeah, who else am I going to blame?” and Joe Giudice said he blames Joe. During the last commercial I told him, “People at home are pissed you’re not taking responsibility,” to which he replied, “Who the fuck cares?” But he accepted it when we came back and I asked him about it again. A day late …