Feels Like Love

by Jeanette Lewis

  “Why?”

  He shook his head. “I thought I knew you, I thought we were good together. But this week I’ve realized that I don’t know you at all.”

  “Yes, you do,” she protested.

  “You wrestled a goat,” he pointed out. “The girl I knew in Boise would never have done that.”

  “Are you threatened because I’m better at farm work than you are?” she asked, stung.

  “I’m not one of the redneck pigs you grew up with,” he rolled his eyes. “Which brings me to my second problem – I never even knew about your country boy,” he said the words with venom. “And yet from the minute we got here, it’s been all Wade all the time. You’re not over him and your family isn’t over him. How do I compete with that? You should have been honest with me from the start.”

  “I wasn’t trying to mislead you,” she said carefully. “But it’s different. The way I feel about him and the way I feel about you aren’t the same.”

  “So you don’t deny you still have feelings for him?” Scott said bitterly. “I guess that answers all my questions.”

  Her head spun. Yes, she loved Wade. But she loved Scott too, in a different, less intense way. From the beginning, she had been attracted to his drive. He was methodical, he made plans. He knew what he wanted and he knew how to get it. With Scott, nothing seemed out of reach.

  Wade was content to own a farm in central Montana where he was tied to the land and the animals, at the mercy of the weather, and buried in debt. It was not the life she wanted. Wasn't it almost as important to love the lifestyle as it was to love the man? Or was she suddenly so desperate to keep Scott simply because he was slipping away?

  “I think we’re both tired,” she finally said. “Let’s go to bed and we can talk more in the morning.”

  Scott shook his head. “I’m leaving tonight.”

  When April was ten, she had startled a horse by running up behind it too fast and it had kicked her in the ribs. She never forgot those few moments when she was flying through the air – suspended in between time and space where everything seemed to stop and she knew that what would come next was pain. This felt that same way. The horse’s hooves had connected and sent her flying, but she felt nothing … yet.

  “You’re leaving? That’s it?” her voice was raw.

  “I think it’s for the best.”

  “But we love each other, don’t we?” she protested. “I love you.”

  “I thought I loved you too,” he said. “But now I wonder if I even know you.”

  “That’s it? You’re going to shrug your shoulders and move on? Chalk this one up to experience?”

  “I guess.”

  She pressed her palms to her temples and tried to breathe. After a long silence, he sighed heavily, got to his feet, and began gathering his bags from behind the couch.

  So he had been planning to leave all along. Packed and ready and nothing she said would have made any difference.

  He slung his computer bag over his shoulder and came to her side. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

  “No, you’re not.” She wouldn’t look at him.

  “Yes, I am. I’m sorry we didn’t take more time. I’m sorry to hurt you.”

  April wrenched the diamond ring from her finger and held it out to him. He hesitated, then his fingers brushed softly against hers as he plucked the ring from her grasp.

  She buried her face in her hands until she heard the kitchen door open and close. Then she ran to the window and watched as the BMW came around the corner of the house and moved down the road. At the highway, the blinker came on, Scott turned, and was gone. Just like that.

  Her flight through the air ended; she hit the ground and with the crash came the pain. April curled up in the corner of the couch and hugged her knees as her heart began to ache.

  This wasn’t the first diamond ring she’d had to give back.

  Chapter 10

  It was toward the beginning of her second year at Boise State. April was in her apartment on a break between morning classes when there was a knock on the door. She opened it and gasped. Wade stood on the porch grinning.

  “What are you doing here?” she squealed when they finally broke apart from a first heady kiss after a long separation.

  His arms were tight around her waist, holding her off the ground, and there was a gleam in his eye.

  “Let’s get married. Today.”

  She laughed. “Okay, sure. But we’d better make it quick because I have class in an hour.”

  “I’m serious,” his eyes darkened as he set her down. “I want to marry you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box.

  April went very still. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m asking you to marry me,” he said softly and opened the box.

  Glinting against the black velvet was a ring, a small round diamond on a silver band. She gasped and stood frozen.

  “Are you okay?” Wade asked after a moment when she still hadn’t moved.

  She nodded, still staring at the ring. “Wow … I did not expect this.”

  “I don’t want to wait anymore,” he said, taking the ring from the box and reaching for her left hand. “April Elizabeth Winston, will you marry me?”

  She had dreamed about this moment so many times, and now it was finally here. She nodded and let him slip the ring on her finger, then threw her arms around him for a long kiss.

  “Today,” he repeated against her hair. “Let’s elope.”

  “You were serious?” she leaned back to look at him.

  “Absolutely serious,” he grinned. “C’mon, we’ve always planned to get married; let’s just speed things up a bit.”

  April thought about her parents. Her mother would be disappointed not to have a big wedding, but her father would probably be relieved he wouldn’t have to pay for it. And they loved Wade – he was already part of the family, why not make it official?

  Sure, she had always dreamed of walking down the aisle at the church and wearing a white dress, and having a big reception, but did all that stuff really matter? What mattered was the two of them, together forever.

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  They could have gotten married in Boise, but decided on Twin Falls because it was far enough away to seem special. There was no waiting period in Idaho, so after they got the license and paid the fee, they went straight to a bench outside the judge’s chambers to wait.

  But as they sat in the quiet hallway holding hands, April’s mind started racing. She loved Wade and she had always planned on being his wife, but … there was a difference between Wade and the boys she knew at school. Boys with majors like law, pre-med, business, computers. They had dreams; they were going places. She wasn’t interested in any of them, but she knew the future they could offer a wife was very different from the future Wade could offer her.

  She knew he would work harder than any of those college guys. But farming wasn’t kind. She’d witnessed her parents’ struggle firsthand and the thought of living like they did for the rest of her life made a knot in her stomach. Why couldn’t he at least consider doing something else, something that would bring more security?

  Plus, they were so young, they should finish their education, she wanted to travel, was she ready to be a wife … and then a mother? The doubts bloomed one after another until she felt sick.

  “Why so quiet?” Wade gave her hand a squeeze. Then he read the look on her face and his shoulders sagged. “You’re having second thoughts.”

  April looked into his eyes and felt her heart break. Things had changed. She had changed.

  The court clerk opened the door and poked her head out. “Wade and April? We’re ready for you.”

  They sat frozen, staring at each other, and she knew the decision was hers. How could she say yes to this and resign herself to a life she didn’t want? How could she say no and lose the only man she’d ever loved?

  “Are you coming?” the clerk said into the silenc
e.

  Tears began rolling down her cheeks as she shook her head. The clerk retreated discreetly, leaving them alone in the deathly quiet hall.

  Finally, Wade gave a deep sigh and leaned forward, clasping his hands on the back of his neck.

  “I’m sorry,” she faltered.

  He didn’t respond, just stared at the floor.

  “I … I think we need more time.”

  “Time to do what?” he grated.

  “Finish school, get jobs, make plans. You could come to Boise, take some classes. Maybe you’ll find a career you love.”

  “I already have a career I love,” he said bitterly. “Is that what this is about?”

  “I don’t think I can live on a farm,” she pleaded.

  He gave a snort of disgust and stood up. “Let’s go.”

  It was a long, tense ride back to Boise and she worried because after dropping her off, he would have an even longer drive to Snow Valley. She planned to suggest he sleep on the couch at her apartment and they could talk in the morning, but he raced away in a squeal of tires, leaving her standing in the parking lot. He never, ever left her anywhere; he always walked her to the door and made sure she was safely inside, but now she stood alone in the dim parking lot, grief and despair tearing through her.

  April never told anyone about Twin Falls. She cried for a week, but her roommates only knew she and Wade had broken up. She figured he would take time to cool off and then they could work through their differences. She had never imagined a future that did not include marrying Wade, it was impossible. But days and then weeks went by and he did not return any of her calls, texts, or emails until finally, angry and humiliated, she gave up.

  She’d seen him once since then, last year when she was home for the summer. She was running an errand for her dad and came out of the IFA as he was going in. She had given a quick, startled jump and her heart soared, but he walked right by, as if she didn’t exist.

  Chapter 11

  April was scrubbing the kitchen sink when headlights appeared around the corner of the house. She glanced at the clock and hurriedly shut the blinds so Wade couldn’t see inside. It was a little after four in the morning and she hadn’t been to bed yet. But the kitchen was sparkling clean and she had even reorganized the pantry.

  “What are you doing?” Trevor asked when he woke up a few hours later.

  She sat at the counter alphabetizing recipe cards. “Nothing. Couldn’t sleep.”

  Trevor eyed the table, swept clean of books and papers. “Where’s Scott?”

  “There was a problem with his research project and he had to go home,” April said breezily. “He left late last night and said to tell you all goodbye. He felt bad he couldn’t stay.”

  Trevor grabbed a box of cereal and looked at her with narrowed eyes.

  “What?” she said defensively.

  He shrugged. “Nothing.”

  April finished the recipe cards while Trevor ate the entire box of cereal from a mixing bowl, then he helped her get Ben up and give him breakfast. Donna did not come on Sundays and April was glad to have something to keep her occupied.

  She guided Ben gently through his morning therapy to stretch and strengthen his stiff muscles. “Does that hurt?” she asked as she bent and straightened his knee.

  He smiled.

  April worked in silence for a few more minutes. “Do you think I should call mom?” she finally asked Ben, then shook her head. “No, you’re right. I should leave her alone.”

  Tears welled in her eyes and she rested her forehead on her brother’s bent knee. “I don’t know what to do, Benny,” she whispered.

  Ben squirmed impatiently and she lifted her head and gave him a smile. “Sorry. Arms now?”

  By the time they were finished with the exercises, April knew what to do. She changed her clothes, fixed her hair, dealt with her red eyes the best she could, and drove to town.

  Sunday services were ending; the heavy wooden doors of the church were open and Pastor John stood just inside as the congregation filtered out. April parked in a disabled stall at the dry cleaner’s across the street and waited until the crowd dispersed. As she hurried toward the church, she saw Kazlyn coming in the other direction, still with the tall man she’d been with at the carnival.

  They stopped to chat, but April brushed off Kazlyn’s concern at her red eyes and after a quick conversation and a sympathetic hug, her friend moved on. April hurried to the side entrance of the church, slipping past the offices and into the chapel.

  It was empty and quiet. She sat on a hard wooden pew and gazed at the altar and the crucifix hanging below the large stained glass window. It was painted, not real stained glass, but it was still pretty. As a child, she thought the colored sunshine spilling through it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

  It was pretty cool.

  After a few minutes, the door at the back of the chapel opened and Pastor John came in, looking even taller and lankier in his black robes. His face broke into a smile when he saw her.

  “April! We missed you at services this morning,” he said, taking a seat at her side.

  With so many people in his congregation, it seemed odd he would notice her absence, but she didn’t doubt he had. Pastor John was that kind of person.

  He tipped his head to one side and gave her a questioning look. “Need to talk?”

  April took a shaky breath. She had planned to tell him only about Scott, but once she began, she found herself going into details about Wade as well, including what had happened at the carnival and in Twin Falls.

  He listened without interruption until she finished her story. “This week has been quite a rollercoaster ride for you, hasn’t it?” he finally said kindly. “How can I help?”

  “What do I do?” April pleaded. “I’m so torn. Why can’t I have Wade, but with Scott’s ambition? If I’m being really honest, I love Scott, but I’m in love with Wade.” She shook her head and swiped at the tears on her cheeks. “But I can’t spend my life on a farm.”

  “Are you sure you’re not focusing on Smarties?” Pastor John asked gently.

  “Smarties?”

  His eyes lit up the way they always did when he told a story. “When my son was about four, he found a package of Smarties in my wife’s purse. He wanted them so badly, but we wouldn’t give them to him. He cried and begged and sulked and the only thing in his world at the moment was that package of Smarties.

  “He didn’t even notice the chocolate cake on the counter right above his head. We wouldn’t let him have Smarties because we were going to give him cake … later.” He paused for a minute. “If my son had known about the cake, how do you think he would have felt about the Smarties?”

  “He wouldn’t have wanted them,” April replied, seeing where this was going. “But he would have started crying for the cake.”

  “Perhaps,” Pastor John agreed. “But cake seems like a better goal than Smarties to me.”

  “So … Scott is a package of Smarties?”

  “Not him, but maybe the lifestyle he represents. What if God has something better in store for you, if you’ll look for it … and maybe wait for it.”

  “Spending the rest of my life tied to a farm is supposed to be cake?”

  “Well, only you can decide that. But remember, weak things can become strong.”

  She was silent and Pastor John seemed to sense she needed time to think. He got to his feet. “Will you excuse me for a minute? I’d better make sure no one’s running off with my donkey … again.”

  April laughed through her tears. “That’s still going on?” Stealing the plastic donkey from the church’s outdoor nativity scene was a long running prank among Snow Valley’s teenagers.

  “They’re actually getting quite creative. Last year they left the poor thing suspended from a crane at the lumber yard.” His eyes twinkled. “I seem to remember you being involved not too many years ago.”

  She gave him a guilty smile. “Is it okay if I sta
y here a bit longer?”

  “Of course. Take all the time you need.” He patted her shoulder and left her in the empty chapel.

  April took a deep breath and closed her eyes, letting the quiet calm of the church wash over her, clearing her head and filling her heart with peace.

  Scott was right. The April she was at school was different from the April she was at home. But he was different too. At school he had been charming, considerate, and in control. But out of his comfort zone … she thought about the harsh words, the tension, his disregard for things that were important to her. When had it started to go wrong?

  The goat. She’d given in when he didn’t like the restaurant in Rexburg, climbed down from the top of the barn when he’d asked, and backed off talking about his childhood. But rescuing the goat was different. She hadn’t done what he wanted – and it was the beginning of the end.

  What about Wade? She smiled faintly. Wade would have been right there with her banging out Johnny Cash songs on the cab of the truck. He would have grabbed her and tumbled them both into a snowbank. He would have sat all night by the fire making sure the goat stayed warm.

  Scott didn’t like who she really was – Wade had made her who she really was.

  She had not deliberately misled Scott about Wade; she had been misleading herself. Wherever she looked, whatever she remembered, Wade was there – her past, present, and future. What had made her think she could let him go?

  And … if loving Wade meant living on a farm … well, she would come to terms with it. There were more important things than geography.

  She jumped up, feeling lighter than she had in days, and met Pastor John again on her way out. “Did they get the donkey?” April asked.

  “Not this time. But they’ll try again.” The grin on his face confirmed he looked forward to the battle. “Everything okay?” he asked.