Feels Like Love

by Jeanette Lewis

  “More than okay,” April beamed. “Thank you.” She threw her arms around him, hugging him so hard the breath whooshed out of his lungs.

  “Any time,” he wheezed and she loosened her hold. “Did anyone ever tell you how strong you are?” he asked.

  “Farm girl,” April smiled. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

  “I’m counting on it,” he replied.

  She got his phone number from the bulletin board. Her hands were shaking as she typed the text.

  Hi Wade. Can you meet me tonight? We need to talk.

  She hit send, then wondered if he had her number. Probably not. She sent a follow-up.

  This is April, BTW.

  The reply came back immediately.

  Sure. Where?

  She panicked. Where? She thought for a minute and then smiled.

  Christmas Fireworks tonight. 9:00 @ the hill?

  What about the fiancé?

  That’s what we need to talk about.

  OK, see you tonight.

  April felt briefly guilty for not offering to take everyone to watch the fireworks, but she shrugged it off. They didn’t usually attend as a family anyway.

  “I have to go out for a little while,” she said after dinner while she worked on the last part of her plan. “Ben is already in bed; will you guys be okay here?”

  “Sure,” Trevor said. “Where are you going?”

  “I have some things to take care of,” she said, in a tone that discouraged any further questions.

  It was the perfect night for fireworks – calm and clear and not too cold. Her heart sped up when she rounded the bend of the hill and saw Wade’s truck. He’d backed in, like they used to, on the little bluff that gave them a perfect view of the fireworks.

  He was leaning against the truck and he smiled when he saw the thermos she carried.

  “Mint hot chocolate,” she said, holding it up.

  “I know.”

  Wade had covered the lowered tailgate with a thick blanket and had another one to wrap around their shoulders. She poured the hot chocolate into the thermos lid and they shared it back and forth.

  Stupid talking. Why couldn’t they leapfrog over the awkward explanations and go straight to the part where he finally kissed her?

  “So …” Wade said after a minute.

  Yes. So. “I’m not engaged anymore.”

  He exhaled heavily and leaned forward, clasping his hands between his knees. He sat still for a long moment, then finally raised his head. “You have no idea how happy that makes me.”

  “Me too.” April slipped her gloved hand into his and he clasped it tightly.

  The fireworks began, spraying light over the valley below and sending muffled booms echoing off the surrounding hills.

  They watched in silence for a moment, then April continued. “I also … I’ve thought a lot about it and, I know what I said in the past, but I don’t care what you do. If you want to be a farmer, it’s okay with me.”

  He gave her a quizzical look. “That’s a change.”

  “I know. But I think I’ve been against it for so long that I’m objecting more out of habit than anything else. It’s not so bad. Besides, I want you to be happy and if farming makes you happy, that’s good enough for me.”

  “Truly?”

  She nodded.

  He brought one hand up to cup her chin. “You make me happy,” he said and her eyes slid shut as their lips met. She forgot all about the fireworks and the cold; she forgot about everything except for the familiar feel of his mouth on hers.

  She was breathless when they broke apart. He gave her a quick grin, then looped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She felt a surge of contentment as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

  They watched the fireworks for a while, but April didn’t think he was paying any more attention to them than she was. Her mind raced ahead. Her family would be so happy; Emily would be over the moon. She felt a dart of guilty pleasure at the thought of telling Tracie Brandenberg they were getting married.

  Whoa … slow down. They had plenty of time; there was no need to skip right to the wedding.

  “What made you change your mind?” Wade finally asked and chills shot through her at the feel of his lips against her hair.

  “I went to see Pastor John this morning and he helped me sort things out,” April said. She shook her head. “Scott was right, we weren’t right for each other. I think I knew it, but didn’t want to admit it. The pastor made me realize that sometimes the thing you want isn’t the thing you’re supposed to have.”

  She snuggled closer to him as a spray of gold and purple exploded in the valley. They would definitely serve chocolate cake at the wedding.

  “So, he called it off?” Wade asked.

  “Yeah,” she lifted her face to his, impatient to get back to the kissing. “But, I’m glad he did.”

  Wade didn’t respond. He stared out across the valley, his jaw clenched.

  “What’s wrong?” she ran her finger down the side of his cheek.

  He sighed. “I wanted you to end it because you were having doubts.”

  “I did.”

  “No. You said it was his idea.”

  “Well, maybe at first, but I agree with him. What does it matter anyway?”

  “April, last night I begged you to reconsider and you refused. Then he dumps you and suddenly I’m looking like a much better option, is that how it is?”

  “No! It’s not like that,” she said, stunned.

  “Yeah, it is. It’s just like that.”

  The world tilted. The one thing she’d always been sure of was Wade’s love. Even at their lowest point, she kept the knowledge in the back of her mind that he really and truly loved her.

  “Aren’t you listening? I said I love you. I want to be with you, not him.” She reached for his hand, but he pulled away. “What about what you said last night? You said you loved me, wanted me to give it a chance.”

  “That was before I knew I was the backup plan,” Wade said bitingly.

  For a moment she was stunned into silence. “You’re not … that’s not true,” she finally managed.

  “Oh really? The thing you want isn’t the thing you’re supposed to have?” he said sarcastically. “Sorry, but I don’t want to be the guy you settled for because you couldn’t have the one you really wanted.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” she protested.

  He didn’t answer and hot tears stung her eyes. “Are you doing this to get back at me? Because of what I did to you in Twin Falls?”

  “Give me a little more credit than that,” he snapped.

  She threw back the blanket and jumped down from the tailgate. She hoped he would stop her, say something … anything to give her a little hope. But he didn’t. He just sat unmoving, staring at the fireworks as she drove away.

  God must have a sense of humor. Either that or he hated her. Because Twin Falls was happening all over again, only this time in reverse.

  Chapter 12

  “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call,” Trevor demanded when she walked in. “What happened to you?” he paused when he got a good look at her face.

  “Nothing,” April sniffed. “My phone was turned off, what’s wrong?”

  “Ben has a fever.”

  She drew a quick, anxious breath and hurried to Ben’s room.

  He was on his bed, his eyes glassy and listless. Emily sat in the rocking chair, her feet drawn up and her chin on her knees.

  April brushed her fingers along Ben’s forehead, startled at how warm he felt. “Did you take his temp?” she asked Trevor.

  He nodded. “It was one hundred.”

  “He seemed fine when I left,” April said. “When did it start?”

  “I heard him moaning about an hour ago,” Emily said. “Should we call the doctor?” With Ben’s fragile health, even a fever could be serious.

  April glanced at the clock. After she left Wade, she had dri
ven around aimlessly, crying – the thick, ugly kind of crying. Now it was almost midnight. “We won’t call him yet,” she decided. “Did you give him medicine?”

  “No, I didn’t know how much.”

  April measured out a dose of Tylenol and Trevor helped her prop Ben up so he could swallow it. She sat on the edge of the bed, running her hand up and down his arm. She should have come straight home; she shouldn’t have left them alone this long. Actually, she shouldn’t have gone at all; she’d ruined everything. A sharp ache pulsed through her.

  “You guys can go to bed, I’ll stay with him,” April told Trevor and Emily.

  She changed into pajamas and moved the rocking chair closer to the bed so she could put her legs up on the mattress. Ben relaxed as the medicine started working and when she took his temperature again half an hour later, it had dropped.

  April glanced at her phone. She had been wishing, hoping, for a text from Wade, but none came. As Ben drifted off to sleep, April wondered bitterly if they would go back to being strangers. Probably.

  The shaking woke her. Her eyes flew open and she looked around frantically. Was it an earthquake?

  Then she saw Ben. He was on his back, head thrown to one side and his limbs locked. He was shaking so hard he vibrated across the bed and crashed into the safety rail. His eyes rolled back in his head and his lips were blue. He wasn’t breathing.

  She shot to her feet.

  “Ben? Ben!” Her voice was shrill. The only answer was a low gurgle from his throat.

  “Trevor! Emily!” April screamed as loudly as she could. “Ben, wake up!”

  Her phone? Where was her phone? She’d been holding it when she fell asleep. She grappled frantically through the blankets and finally found it; her hands were shaking as she dialed 911.

  “What’s your emergency?” a dry female voice answered.

  “This is April Winston. I think my brother’s having a seizure,” April cried into the phone. “Please, come right now, he’s not breathing.”

  Emily appeared in the doorway, wide-eyed. “Get Trevor,” April ordered and her sister spun and darted away.

  “I need your address,” the dry female voice replied.

  “Winston,” April said frantically. “Glenn Winston’s farm.”

  “I’m sorry, but I need your address,” the woman said.

  April gave it. “Please, hurry,” she begged.

  Footsteps pounded up the basement stairs and Trevor rushed into the room. He took one look at Ben and his face went pale. “What’s happening? What’s he doing? Stop him!” His voice was sharp.

  “I can’t!” April cried. Were they going to watch Ben die right here?

  “The paramedics are on their way,” the 911 operator said in that same detached voice. “If you can, please unlock the door and secure any pets. I will stay on the phone with you until they arrive.” How could she be so calm?

  Ben suddenly stopped shaking and drew a long, tortured breath. Some of the color flooded back into his cheeks, but his eyes stayed closed.

  “Why isn’t he waking up?” Emily sobbed.

  It seemed like forever before they heard the sirens coming toward the house. Trevor ran out to meet them and a few seconds later, paramedics swarmed into the room. April moved back to give them space, answering their questions as best she could. They worked quickly, checking vitals, starting an IV, and prepping Ben for transport.

  “The hospital in town can’t handle such a complicated case; we need to take him to Billings,” a young man with an iPad told April. She nodded, numbly. “Is there someone who can come with him?” he asked.

  “I can, I’ll come.”

  “Go get dressed,” he said, talking slowly. “Get your shoes, okay?” It was comforting to have someone tell her what to do. She nodded and went to her room, barely remembering to close the door before stripping off her pajamas and pulling on jeans and a t-shirt. She got her shoes and at the last minute, remembered to grab her purse off the dresser.

  The paramedics had lifted Ben onto the gurney and were tightening the straps over his chest. He was still unconscious.

  Trevor stood with his arm around Emily.

  “Will you be okay?” April asked him.

  “I guess so,” he said tightly. “Should I call mom and dad?”

  “Yes, but try not to scare them.” She pushed a shaking hand through her tangled hair. “Can you call Wade too?”

  He nodded.

  April followed the gurney out into the dark, cold air. The stars were still shining brightly and there was no hint of the sunrise on the horizon. Goosebumps broke out on her arms; she hadn’t thought to get her coat.

  The ambulance and two fire trucks were parked in front of the house. “You can ride by his side,” one of the men said, offering his hand to help her into the back. She got in and shrank out of the way so they could load the gurney and secure it to the floor. They held a brief discussion at the back of the ambulance, then two men climbed in with Ben while the third one got in the cab to drive. Through the tiny window, April saw the other paramedics going to the fire trucks.

  “There’s a seatbelt on that bench,” the man with the iPad pointed. She sat down and buckled the seatbelt across her hips. It was too tight and she had to lean forward awkwardly to reach Ben’s hand, but she couldn’t think through the steps to loosen the belt. Besides, if she tried, she’d have to let go of Ben’s hand and she wouldn’t let go, not ever.

  The ride to Billings took an hour. “No lights and sirens?” she asked once in a dazed voice.

  “He’s breathing on his own,” the paramedic replied. “If he stops again, we’ll go lights and sirens.”

  April wondered if she should keep up a conversation with the two men, but they didn’t seem to expect it. They talked to each other while she stared at Ben. His dark eyelashes formed crescents on his pale cheeks and his pulse fluttered faintly beneath the ashen skin on his neck.

  Every once in a while the radio on the younger paramedic’s shoulder would squawk and he answered in a stream of words that made no sense to April, but were apparently updates for the hospital.

  Two doctors and four nurses were waiting when they pulled into the ambulance bay. The paramedics gave a rapid fire update as they unloaded Ben and hurried him through the emergency room. April followed behind, her eyes focused on the gurney.

  “Ma’am, you’ll need to wait over here,” a woman in blue scrubs took her arm and pointed to a row of chairs. She sat down woodenly as they took Ben into one of the treatment rooms.

  She waited, fear writhing in her stomach. Her hands were still shaking so badly she could barely hold her phone to see Trevor’s text. Their parents were trying to catch a flight.

  Finally, a doctor emerged from the room and took a seat at her side. “He had a seizure,” she said and April nodded. “He’s still unconscious so I’ve ordered an MRI of his brain to help us determine what’s going on.”

  “Will he be okay?” she rasped.

  “It’s too early to tell,” the doctor said gently.

  There was nothing to do but wait. They took her into Ben’s room and she sat by his side her hands clamped around his arm, her head pressed against the bars of his bed. Why were hospitals always so cold?

  “April?”

  Her head jerked up as Wade opened the curtain in the doorway. His eyes swept the room, taking in Ben, the tubes, the lines, the beeping equipment, and finally coming to rest on her.

  He closed the curtain and with a strangled sob, she leapt up and ran to him. He pulled her close and she pressed her face against his chest while her tears soaked his coat.

  “I would have been here sooner but I had to find someone to milk the cows; didn’t want to ask Trevor to take over,” Wade apologized when she had calmed down. He kissed the top of her head and looked over at Ben. “How is he?”

  She kept her arms locked around his waist while she gave him the update. As she talked, she felt some of her panic and fear subside. Wade did that to
her.

  “How are you?” Wade asked when she’d finished.

  “Okay, I guess.” She looked up at him with a rueful smile. “Sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “Crying all over you … making you come all the way here … acting like an idiot last night … take your pick.”

  “Don’t worry about any of that,” he said softly. She shivered and he let go of her long enough to shrug off his coat and drape it around her shoulders. “You’re freezing, where’s your coat?”

  “I forgot it.” His coat felt heavy and warm. She gave him a smile of thanks and sank wearily onto the hard plastic hospital chair. Wade sat down and put his arm around her, pulling her close. They sat in silence for a long time, listening to the beeping of machines and Ben’s deep even breathing.

  Finally, a stout nurse with short blonde hair came to get Ben for the MRI. “It will probably be about an hour,” she told them briskly. “The cafeteria is on the second floor if you’d like to get some breakfast.” She pushed Ben’s bed out of the room.

  “Are you hungry?” Wade turned to April.

  “A little,” she admitted. “I’m such a mess though,” her hand went to her puffy eyes.

  He smiled. “We can work with it.”

  Wade got hot chocolate and bagels from the cafeteria and they found an empty stairwell with a window that overlooked the parking lot. They sat on the steps and watched the sunrise as they ate breakfast.

  “I’m sorry,” Wade said when they finished eating. He sat one step below her, so they were almost eye-to-eye.

  “For?” April asked.

  “For Twin Falls. I proposed for all the wrong reasons and then tried to pressure you into going along when you didn’t want to. That was … despicable.”

  “I don’t know if I’d go that far,” April said. “What were the wrong reasons?”

  He sighed and scratched his thumbnail along the side of his foam cup. “I knew a farm wasn’t your dream. I was afraid you’d find someone else, someone who could offer you much more than I could. I started imagining you meeting another guy and it made me crazy. I wanted to marry you, so I could keep you. It was selfish, and I’m sorry.”