Blue in the Face

by Gerry Swallow

  “Not funny,” the white mouse replied.

  “Enough,” commanded Earl Grey. “We don’t have time for such nonsense. Now, let’s get on with the rescue, shall we?”

  “Rescue! Did you hear that?” said Jack with a pump of his fist. “I told you fate would intervene.”

  “This is fate intervening?” said Elspeth. “A rescue attempt by the three blind mice?”

  “Excuse me, madam,” said Earl Grey, with hands on his hips. “We’re a bit visually impaired perhaps, but not blind, I assure you.”

  Meanwhile, the white mouse sniffed eagerly at the air. “Is that cabbage I smell?”

  “I don’t know what it is, to be honest,” said Elspeth, “but you’re welcome to it.”

  “Later,” said Earl Grey. “Right now we’ve got heroics to perform.”

  “You won’t get away with this,” said Georgie. “Attempted escape is punishable by death.”

  “Only attempts that fail,” said Earl Grey. “And we never fail. Now, allow me to introduce my co-heroes in this daring mission. This is James,” he said, indicating the brown mouse. Then, pointing toward the white one, he said, “And this is Barry.”

  “James and Barry?” said Elspeth. “You’re Earl Grey and these two are James Brown and Barry White?”

  “You’ve heard of us,” said Earl Grey, his furry little chest puffing out ever so slightly. “Stands to reason, I suppose. After all, this is not our first heroic rescue.”

  “And how, exactly, do you plan on carrying out this heroic rescue?” asked Elspeth. “Wait, let me guess. We’re all going to take a magic shrinking potion and escape through that tunnel.” Elspeth gestured toward the mouse-size hole in the floor.

  “No,” responded Earl Grey, quite impatiently. “We’re going to go out the way you came in—right through the door.”

  “Once more,” countered Elspeth, “unless you have some sort of shrinking potion that will allow me to fit between the bars, that won’t be possible. The door is locked shut.”

  “Locks are made to be picked,” said Earl Grey with a quick flex of his eyebrows. Then, turning to his fellow rescuers, he said, “Gentlemen?”

  James Brown and Barry White popped back into the hole and, a brief moment later, reemerged carrying a long, sharp stick. In fact, it was a long, sharp, familiar-looking stick.

  “Well, well, well,” said Gene. “We meet again. Look who’s in dire need of Gene the Stick now.”

  “You brought him?” Elspeth asked, not even trying to hide her disapproval. “You do realize he never shuts up.”

  “Oh yeah,” Earl Grey admitted. “On the way here I learned the entire history of sticks and all of their contributions to society.”

  “I tell you, it’s about time people gave us some respect,” Gene spouted. “All we get are insults. People will say that someone lives out in the sticks, as if it’s a bad thing. And if you think for a minute that a wolf could blow down a house made of us, then you’ll believe anything you read. Pure fiction.”

  When Gene finally finished, Elspeth sighed and said, “And you brought him because . . . ?”

  “Because he’s the only one we could find that was pointy at the end and long enough to reach the lock,” replied Earl Grey.

  “That’s right,” said Gene proudly. “Do you know how many sticks are out there? I do. And out of all of them, I was the only one up to the task.”

  “How lucky for us,” said Elspeth. “And don’t forget, I’m the one who sharpened you in the first place.”

  “If you hadn’t, I’m sure someone else would have,” said Gene. Then the grudge-holding stick began to perform what appeared to be some type of dance, wiggling about while the two mice struggled to keep hold of him.

  “What the devil are you doing?” asked James Brown.

  “Sorry, it’s the water,” said Gene. Looking around, the only water in any proximity to him was the amount that remained in Elspeth’s metal cup. “My great-great-grandfather was a divining rod. Found most of the wells in this kingdom. It’s in my blood, you might say.”

  “He might have found the well that led us to you,” said Jack. “Imagine that.”

  “Yes,” said Gene, still twitching. “Anyway, if you don’t mind.”

  Elspeth took this to mean that she should dispose of the water and did so the most efficient way possible: by drinking it down in one gulp.

  “Thank you,” said Gene, instantly returning to a more relaxed state.

  “All right then, let’s get to picking that lock,” said Earl Grey, and he and the other mice began carrying Gene toward the back of Elspeth’s cell.

  “Excuse me,” she said. “The door is this way.”

  The mice quickly performed an about-face and headed for the locked door. “The lighting is terrible in here,” Earl Grey offered as an excuse.

  He and his fellow mice scurried between the bars and into the corridor.

  “Okay, fellas,” said Earl Grey. “You know what to do.”

  Elspeth watched as the three visually impaired mice climbed, one on top of the other, forming a wobbly tower of rodents a whopping ten inches tall, which would be all the additional height they would need to reach the keyhole with the help of Gene, the indignant, pacifist, blabbermouth, grudge-holding stick.

  With Gene grasped tightly between his tiny mouse fingers, Earl Grey angled the stick toward the lock, missing on one occasion after another until finally the mice upon which he was standing began to protest, first with grunts and moans and eventually with words.

  “Hurry it up, would you?” griped James Brown. “My back is killing me.”

  “You?” protested Barry White. “I’m the one on the bottom. I’m always the one on the bottom.”

  “Maybe we’d let you move up a notch if you’d just lay off the cheese and crackers once in a while,” Earl Grey snarled.

  “It’s not my fault,” Barry White responded. “I’ve told you before, I have a glandular issue.”

  Elspeth could only watch the infighting and ineptitude for so long before finally losing patience and, despite her general dislike of rodents, she said, “If you want, I could just lift you up to the lock.”

  The three mice froze, their faces cast in the position of those who have just been made aware that they are doing something incredibly stupid.

  “Hmm,” said Earl Grey, “I suppose that would work just as well. No harm in trying. Right, fellas?”

  The others agreed, and Elspeth slipped her palm through the bars, allowing the three mice to climb aboard.

  “Brilliant idea.” Jack beamed as he and Jill watched. “That’s our daughter, you know. A chip off the old block.”

  Elspeth brought the mice slowly upward, and their presence upon her palm caused an involuntary shiver that almost sent them tumbling back to the ground.

  “Easy now,” instructed Earl Grey as he inserted Gene into the keyhole and began probing the lock. “I must have a steady surface from which to work.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Elspeth. “No offense, but rodents give me the willies.”

  Earl Grey seemed amused by this. “Ironic, isn’t it?” he said with a chuckle. “Considering it was Willie who gave you the rodents.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Elspeth.

  “King William,” Earl Grey replied. “He hired us.”

  “King William lives?” gasped Jack.

  “Oh, he’s alive all right,” Elspeth confirmed. “And completely out of his mind. Still, I guess it was pretty nice of him to try to rescue me.”

  “That’s King William for you,” said Jack. “Nice to a fault.”

  “Nice has little to do with it, I would imagine,” said Jill. “He knows that without our Elspeth, he’ll never be king again.”

  “It’s dark in here,” said Gene with an echo.

  “Quiet,” said Earl Grey in a loud, stern whisper. “I require absolute silence.” He continued to work the lock while listening intently until, at last, there it was: a distinct and unmis
takable click. The door to Elspeth’s cell popped open, and for a brief moment, no one said a thing.

  “Yes!” Jack cheered at last. He and his wife hugged each other tightly.

  “You did it,” marveled Jill.

  “Of course I did,” said Earl Grey.

  “You?” said Gene. “Hello? See what I mean? Never any credit.”

  “Fine,” Earl Grey conceded. “It was a team effort. Excellence all around. Now, let’s get going while we still can.”

  “No,” said Elspeth. “We’re not going anywhere without Jack and Jill.”

  Earl Grey squared up with Elspeth and spoke as though there were no size difference between them. “Now listen here, missy. We were paid our going rate for rescuing one person. Now you’re suggesting we take two more for the same price?”

  “Three more,” said Georgie.

  “What?” said Elspeth, whipping her head around to make sure Georgie got a good look at her scowl. “What makes you think we’d take you with us?”

  “Because if you don’t, he’ll kill me,” said Georgie with a whimper. “And I know you don’t want that on your conscience. Please.”

  “He can’t kill you over some stupid berries,” said Elspeth.

  “Can and will,” said Georgie. “After all, he threw you down a well for something he was afraid you might do.”

  “I don’t know,” said Elspeth. “Just this morning you were offering to testify against me.”

  “Yes,” Georgie admitted. “And I hope you’ll be able to accept my sincere apology. Anyway, I could be quite helpful to you. You may be free of that cell, but we’ve still got to sneak out of the castle. And no one knows this place better than I do.”

  Elspeth considered the facts of the matter and decided that it actually made good sense to add a backstabbing, self-serving weasel to a group that already included three bumbling, partially blind mice, two strangers claiming to be her parents, and an annoying, blathering stick. “All right,” she said with a sigh of finality. “We’ll take you along.”

  “Thank you,” said Georgie, practically melting with relief. “You won’t be sorry.”

  But the matter was not so easily settled. “I don’t know,” said Earl Grey. “Four people for the price of one? Nope. Afraid that won’t do.”

  “I thought you said you were heroes,” snapped Jill, her voice heavy with the kind of disappointment only a mother can convey.

  “We are heroes,” said Earl Grey.

  “Heroes don’t rescue people because they’re being paid. They do it because it’s the right thing,” said Jill.

  “Doing the right thing doesn’t put crumbs and garbage on the table,” Earl Grey retorted.

  “If I can’t appeal to your sense of common decency,” said Jill, “then perhaps I can convince you to do it for the sake of avenging your missing tails.”

  “I thought the farmer’s wife cut off their tails,” said Elspeth.

  “Ha! Typical,” Earl Grey snorted. “Always blaming things on the middle class. Anyway, they’ll grow back. Eventually. Right?” James Brown and Barry White quickly checked their backsides to see if anything might be sprouting up. “Besides, tails are overrated.”

  When it became apparent that there was nothing Jill could say to convince Earl Grey, Elspeth spoke up. “If you don’t take everyone with you,” she said, “then I’m not going. And if I don’t go, then there’s been no rescue and you won’t get a thing.”

  Earl Grey seethed. He was not used to dealing with prisoners and hostages who were anything but grateful for having been rescued. “All right,” he finally relented. “We’ll take the lot of you. But once we’re out of here, I’m bringing the matter up with Winkie right away.”

  With equal efficiency, Earl Grey and Gene the Stick picked the locks on the other two cells, freeing Georgie, then Jack and Jill, who could not resist the overwhelming desire to hug their daughter for the first time in almost a dozen years.

  Under normal circumstances, Elspeth might have objected to such familiarity, but there was something about it that seemed quite natural. Besides, the encounter was brief, as Georgie reminded them that they still had a very long way to go before tasting true freedom.

  Three visually impaired mice,

  Three visually impaired mice.

  See how they run,

  See how they run.

  They all went after Krool’s Monterey jack,

  He cut off their tails with a battle-ax.

  Now you know the horrible facts

  Of three visually impaired mice.

  Chapter 17

  Creeping down the long, dark passageway and arriving at the door to the dungeon, they soon realized that it, too, was locked and would require the talents of Earl and Gene.

  The mouse and the stick quickly went to work on the last lock, which was not the final obstacle that stood between the captives and the outside world. Once they’d gotten beyond the confines of the dungeon there were still guards posted throughout the castle, for a man with as many enemies as Krool can never have too much security.

  As it turned out, Gene soon proved quite useful for something other than picking locks. His slightly curved shape made him the perfect tool for peering around corners.

  “Well?” asked Elspeth as she pulled him back in.

  “It’s clear,” said Gene.

  The group, based on Georgie’s knowledge of the castle layout, made a left turn and crept quietly along the corridor until they came to the entryway of a large room. Again, Elspeth carefully extended Gene so he might have a look, both left and right. When she retrieved him once more, Gene whispered so quietly that Elspeth had to bring him very close to her ear.

  “Two guards,” he said. “One on either side.”

  “What now?” Elspeth whispered to Georgie.

  “It’s Thursday,” he replied. “That means Weldon and Morgenstern are on duty at this post.”

  “And how does that bit of knowledge help us now?” asked Elspeth.

  “Not sure,” Georgie whispered. “But I do know that the two can’t stand each other. They’ve been feuding since grade school.”

  Elspeth, who knew a fair bit about grade school feuds, thought a moment about how such a thing might be exploited to their benefit. An idea popped into her head surprisingly quickly, and she whispered it to Gene, who considered it briefly.

  “I suppose it’d be all right,” he whispered back. “As long as I’m only the cause of the violence and not involved in it directly.”

  Earl and his crew also figured into Elspeth’s plan, and she knelt down and whispered instructions like an NFL quarterback calling a play. “I like it,” Earl replied with a devilish nod.

  Elspeth rose up and inched her face forward until she could see the two guards, both staring straight ahead, their backs to the wall. Their rigidness and silence may have been due to protocol or to a shared hatred, strong enough that they would neither talk to nor even look at one another.

  Elspeth slowly moved Gene toward the guard at the left of the doorway, the one known as Morgenstern. With the stick she smacked him sharply on the ear.

  “Hey,” he cried, as Elspeth ducked quickly back into the hallway. The guard turned to the fellow known as Weldon. “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “What are you on about?” said Weldon.

  “Don’t play dumb,” snapped Morgenstern. “You flicked my ear and you know it.”

  “I did no such thing,” Weldon argued.

  “Do it again and it’ll be the last time,” threatened Morgenstern.

  The argument ended, not abruptly, but slowly, tapering off and dissolving into mumbles. Once the guards had gone back to their silence and straight-ahead staring, Elspeth peeped around to the right and this time smacked Weldon in the ear.

  “All right,” said Weldon. “That’s it.” He dropped his spear, wound up, and threw the punch he’d been wanting to throw at Morgenstern’s smug face for twenty years. Morgenstern, however, ruined it all by moving
that smug face quickly out of the way, which caused Weldon’s fist to have an unpleasant meeting with the rock wall immediately behind it. As Weldon screamed in agony Morgenstern seized upon the opportunity and rushed Weldon, tackling him to the ground.

  As they wrestled, rolled, and grunted on the floor, Earl Grey and his team of verminous heroes skittered out and surreptitiously took to the task of tying the men’s shoelaces together—a dangerous job, considering those big, heavy shoes were in constant motion.

  The shoelace tying turned out not to have been necessary as Elspeth, Jack and Jill, Georgie, Gene, and Earl Grey and his friends were able to glide through the room unnoticed due to the fact that the fight between the guards had escalated to the point of eye gouging.

  Down another long, torch-lit hall the escapees crept, but they froze when they heard footsteps and voices growing louder by the second.

  “Quick,” whispered Georgie. “In here.”

  He pulled open a door, and Elspeth immediately recognized the kitchen, now quiet and dark, though the wonderful smells of the previous night’s feast still lingered. Jack and Jill, who had been subsisting on prison scraps for several days now, breathed in the smells so deeply their ribs hurt.

  “Is that everyberry pie I smell?” whispered Jack.

  “Not exactly,” said Elspeth. This garnered a sharp look from Georgie, and Elspeth replied with an innocent-looking shrug.

  Following Georgie, the others slipped inside and closed the door. Georgie grasped the knob tightly as the voices and footsteps neared. Then the footsteps stopped, though the voices continued. Elspeth recognized them as belonging to Catherine and Jane.

  “I know,” said Catherine. “She may be a horrible little beast, but do they have to chop off her head?”

  “Such a shame,” said Jane. “It’ll ruin that dress.”

  “As for Georgie, I say good riddance,” said Catherine.

  “No kidding,” Jane agreed. “Did you know he tried to kiss me once?”

  “Eww, disgusting,” said Catherine. As she spoke, Georgie’s face reddened and his teeth clenched as tightly as his grip on the doorknob.

  Catherine reached for the knob and found it immovable. “Hmm,” she said. “Must be locked. We’ll have to go around.”