by A. M. Kusi
He managed to finish the project he was working on by three thirty in the afternoon the following Friday. He headed straight to Stowe from his office, bags already packed in the car. The streets were crowded with school buses and cars coming or going.
The drive took longer with rush-hour traffic and he didn’t arrive at the inn until eight in the evening. Homesick was the only word to describe how he felt after Ella left his house in Boston. He couldn’t get to her fast enough, it was time he told her just how much he cared for her.
***
Ella had received a text from River saying he was looking forward to seeing her that night, and she felt her stomach twist in a nervous ball of anxiety. She had no idea how he would react to the news about Mac. Not to mention that his biological father had left the inn to her rather than his own son. Would he resent her? Would he want ownership of the inn that she had worked so hard for? The unanswered questions terrified Ella.
She took her time in the shower trying to calm down. She changed into a simple blouse and skinny jeans when she was done and left her wet hair down. Picking up the novel next to her bed, she checked to make sure the letters were still there. A knock at the door made her jump, and she tucked the letters hurriedly under the book.
Ella opened the door and saw a disheveled and concerned-looking River. He was a sexy exhausted mess, and her heart throbbed for him. She felt the words stick in her throat.
“Ella,” he said, reaching out his hand to her as he dropped his bag on the wood floor.
She melted at his touch, feeling the tears well in her eyes. Did he already know?
“Ella, I need you. More than you know. I don’t know what has happened between us, but you need to know that I love you. I love you, Ella. I’ll do anything to fix this.”
Ella realized he was apologizing and confessing his love to her. River loved her. Suddenly, she felt sure that when he found out the truth, it wouldn’t be as big a deal as she’d feared. They would get through it together, and he wouldn’t resent her because of her relationship with his father. But she knew he needed rest and a fresh mind for this conversation.
Ella reached out and kissed him, feeling her eyes sting with tears in awe that this wonderful, smart, gentle, sexy man loved her. She heard the door shut as she pulled his tie off. She unbuttoned his shirt and broke the kiss long enough to speak in a throaty whisper, “I want you…I need you.”
River looked into her brown eyes and kissed her with a new intensity. This kiss was different than all the others. His mouth melded to hers as their clothes dissolved into a pile on the floor and there was nothing between them; just skin on skin. Heart against heart. Their tongues coaxed and danced together, as River sucked on Ella’s bottom lip. She bit down, and she felt him respond by grinding his hips against her. Ella slid her tongue into River’s mouth, feasting on him. She lay on the bed, clinging to River like he was her only way of survival. Her hands were gentle and needy, roaming all over his body. River’s hands were rougher on her than he had been before, feeling primal and urgent.
This time being together was less about exploration and more of the longing to be exposed and connected in the most explicit and complete way with one another. River slid his hands inside her, making sure she was ready for him. Ella gasped, pulling him tighter as her nails dug into his shoulders. He paused, grabbing a foil packet from his wallet in the bunched-up pants on the ground. Ella felt the loss of his closeness and groaned in complaint. She watched him, captivated, as he covered himself in the only barrier that would be between them that night.
River climbed back on top of her, waiting at her entrance as he asked, “Are you sure?”
Ella responded breathlessly, “Yes. I need you inside me. Please?” she begged.
River and Ella became fully one in connection for the first time. Ella moaned in a mix of pain and pleasure from their joining, while River growled.
Ella felt intoxicated by pleasure. Her body burned with delirious arousal from River’s sensual touch, consuming her thoughts. She watched him, their eyes locked onto one another, while he rocked her back and forth.
Ella squeezed him closer as she climaxed with a scream, as he fell apart inside her only seconds later. They stayed like that, panting while she processed the most pure and unabashed sexual experience of her life. She was too in awe to speak.
River disposed of the condom and held her in his arms. They fell asleep satiated in each other’s arms.
All thoughts of the letters’ secrets were forgotten for the night.
***
Morning came faster than Ella had hoped, and with it came the reality of their situation. She could smell River all over her and in her room, mixed with scent of the rain that had started to drizzle outside. She hoped his woodsy scent would stay long after he’d left.
Ella pushed the thought from her mind as she carefully got out of bed, her bladder convincing her of the necessity. Ella relieved herself before throwing on a pair of leggings and a sports bra. She was sore in the best of ways. River was still sleeping, so she decided to start her yoga. When she was almost done, she switched poses and spotted River smiling as he watched her.
Ella smiled back. “Good morning.”
“It is now. Do you get up at this ungodly hour every day?” he asked, sitting up in bed and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Yes. I have a routine, and there’s lots to do for the inn,” she said, folding herself into child’s pose.
“What’s next on your list?” River asked.
“A shower.” Ella stood. Leaving her mat on the floor, she turned away, wriggling off her top and dropping it on the floor next to the discarded clothes from the previous night. Ella glanced over her shoulder at River, who had his mouth hanging open, before she quickly walked to the bathroom. She removed her pants once out of view and threw them out the door as well. River was close enough behind her to catch the pants and toss them on the ground. Ella had turned on the shower when she felt his warm, hard chest against her back. The release of last night had done nothing to appease his appetite, feeling him poking the top of her buttocks. Ella sucked in a breath before climbing into the shower. She turned to face River. “Join me?”
“I thought you would never ask,” he said, as his hazel eyes darkened with desire.
After a very thorough shower, they both dried off. He took Ella’s hand and pulled her to him, kissing her one last time before they left their little sanctuary. She loved the way he tasted. She wanted to spend every waking minute with him, and she knew that once they opened that door they had to get back to reality.
Ella smiled, still feeling euphoric. “I’ll go get you some coffee. Wait here; I have something I need to talk to you about.” She promised herself she would tell him when she got back.
Chapter 23
Ella ran down the stairs to see Maggie in the kitchen, making breakfast for the guests with Annie’s help as they simultaneously prepared food for the wedding later that afternoon.
“Oh. My. God,” Maggie said. “The glow on your face. You finally did it!”
Ella blushed. “Quiet, Maggie! He’s upstairs and might hear you.”
“I can’t believe you actually did it, El. How was it? How do you feel? Seven years is a long time. It’s like losing your virginity all over again.” Maggie peppered her with questions.
Ella turned to look at her best friend, knowing there was no way to avoid her interest. “What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?”
“Come on, Ella. Give me something,” Maggie begged as she scrambled eggs in a bowl.
Ella made a coffee for River and a tea for herself as she turned sideways, facing Maggie. “It was magical,” she said honestly.
Maggie squealed with excitement while Annie smiled.
“I need to get back. We can talk later,” Ella said, and carried the drinks up to her bedroom door. She took a dee
p breath and kicked open the cracked door with her foot, smiling.
“We need to talk—” Her smile fell as she saw the anguish and accusation in River’s eyes. He sat on her now made bed, holding the two letters in his hand that she had hidden under the book. Ella stood frozen with shock. This was not how she’d wanted him to find out.
“I can explain,” Ella said, setting the drinks down on the bedside table and reaching her hand out to River. He pulled away from her, and she was hurt by his rejection.
This is it; this is when it ends.
“What is this? How long have you known?” River demanded.
“I found them last week.”
“And you didn’t think to tell me?” he asked angrily.
“I thought it would be better in person,” Ella tried to explain.
“So you waited until after you got everything you wanted from me?” River lashed out.
Ella recoiled from his words, “I didn’t mean…I was planning to tell you last night, but then you came in and…”
“You lied to me. You lied by omission,” River said, his mind reeling. “I never would have thought you would do this to me.”
Ella stayed silent, knowing there was nothing else she could say to bring him comfort or restore the situation. She had done this, and her heart shattered as she envisioned losing the best thing in her life.
“Lloyd is my father? Who is Lloyd?”
“Lloyd is Mac’s legal name. He picked up the nickname from his days in the orchards,” Ella explained quickly.
River dropped his head in his hands, his shoulders drooped low in defeat.
Ella wanted nothing more than to pull him into her arms, but she couldn’t risk the rejection again. “I’m sorry.”
River stood suddenly, looking at her for a moment before responding. “I told you I loved you, and you lied to me. How could you let me tell you those words and not say something?” he asked through gritted teeth, his hands balled into fists.
Ella felt the tears begin to fall as she stood to meet his eyes. She should have told him the truth the moment he got there. “Because you needed me, and I knew you were tired. I thought I should wait one more night and let you get some rest. I wanted to hold you, and I wanted to feel loved by a man who truly cared for me for the first time in my life. I thought we could work it out, seeing as you said…”
River hesitated before taking a step towards her. Ella flinched, afraid for a moment. When she met his eyes, the look of hurt on River’s face was heartbreaking.
“I need to go,” he said, picking up his bag before walking out the door, disappearing down the stairs and out of her life.
Ella watched her good thing finally come to an end, as he abandoned her. She fell to her knees and let the sobs come. Ella gasped for air, feeling the pain and panic in her chest clawing at her to stay down. The blackness enveloped her as she heard Maggie scream her name.
***
When Ella’s eyes fluttered open, she realized she wasn’t home. She was in the sterile white room of a hospital. Ella panicked until she saw Annie sitting in the chair by her side.
Annie reached out a comforting hand to hers and explained, “You hyperventilated and lost consciousness. You are going to be alright. The paramedics brought you here in the ambulance as a precaution until you woke up.”
Ella’s eyes burned as she remembered what had brought the episode on. Tears streamed down her face. He’d said he loved her and then walked out on her, instead of them facing the difficulty together.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Annie asked, gently.
“Did you know Mac had a son?”
Annie’s face showed her shock. “No…is River?”
Ella nodded. She told Annie about the letters and how River had found out.
“I’m sure this is such a huge shock for him too. Once he has time to process this, he will come back.”
“It’s over. All good things must come to an end. This is our end,” Ella said solemnly, out loud for the first time.
Annie’s brow furrowed. “If that is how you go through life, believing every good thing will end in pain, that’s exactly what you’ll get.”
“You sound like Maggie,” Ella said.
“She learned from the best. Ella, you have an upper limit. A degree of how much happiness you are comfortable with. We all do, to some extent. Coming from the life you had, your limit is lower than most. I understand your past, and that you were a victim to it. Now you have the opportunity to change that. You can choose to be happy and believe it will last instead of looking for the pain. You sabotage yourself when you keep that old outlook on life,” Annie explained.
Ella was silent, taking in Annie’s words.
The nurse came in and checked her vitals, assuring them the doctor would be in shortly.
Annie continued, “When you reach that level of happiness that you are comfortable with, sometimes you do things to bring yourself back down.”
Ella didn’t respond, but examined her recent choices, wondering what she could have done differently. She loved River, and she never got to tell him. Ella doubted it would have made a difference.
A woman came in the room and introduced herself as Dr. Varma. She explained what had happened and encouraged Ella to consider talking to her therapist and getting on some meds to help with the panic attacks. Ella agreed to make an appointment when she got home, and she was discharged.
Annie drove her, assuring her that Maggie and the other women would cover the inn over the busy weekend so she could take her time recovering.
Ella felt guilty for saddling the responsibility of the inn onto her friends once again, but she knew she wouldn’t be any help. She was moments away from falling apart for the second time that day.
She crawled into her bed. She just wanted to sleep. And she did, for two whole days. Maggie brought her food and drinks that went untouched. Ella felt too exhausted to eat.
On Monday afternoon, Maggie came up and convinced Ella to get in the shower and get dressed. She had made an appointment with Ella’s therapist, Dr. Reed, and offered to drive Ella there.
Throughout her two-hour therapy session, Ella worked through the anger she felt over being so affected by her conflict with River. She needed to get herself pulled together to run her inn. She wouldn’t disappoint Mac or herself. She was surprised that the desire to cut wasn’t there, even when the idea popped into her mind. She wouldn’t go there again. She would take care of herself this time.
***
Ella got back into work at the inn, going through the motions for the first two weeks. She wasn’t hungry but forced herself to eat. She knew fighting her depression would take conscious effort. She pushed through her mental exhaustion until her meds started taking affect.
The longer she tried to ignore the lack of communication with River, the easier it got. She remembered what he’d told her about how he and his ex had ended things. I kind of shut down when the tough conversations came, and we never really got to hash things out. We just went our separate ways. I’m not good with confrontation. He had been engaged to the woman. Why should she expect anything more? She had asked him in the restaurant to at least be upfront with her. He hadn’t kept his promise.
At night, when the inn was quiet and nothing was there to distract her, she cried herself to sleep, looking through the few pictures she had of him on her phone. Wondering when the pain would stop. She found his black tee shirt. It still smelled faintly of him. She’d hug the shirt and eventually drifted off to sleep.
Ella walked to Lucas’s pub for dinner, agreeing to meet her friends for a night out. As she made her way up the road, passing the lilac bush that she and River had stopped at, she tried to push the memories from her mind. She heard a car revving and turned to see what was making so much noise. It was the same blue truck that Declan had driven. Ella�
��s heartbeat thudded in her chest as she saw the arrogant smile of the driver as he waved to her. Declan. Ella ran as fast as she could to the pub, nearly knocking over two patrons on her way in the door.
Lucas was at her side first. She managed to point and say, “Declan.”
Maggie joined her next, while Lucas went out to the parking lot.
There was no trace of her ex. He enjoyed taunting her. She called Officer Gregory and he promised to look into it. Lucas warned her about a dead cat that he’d found on his porch earlier that day. He wouldn’t let her see the animal, but assured her it had not died from natural causes. Ella knew it was more than a sick joke, but most likely a threat from Declan. It was a threat that he would hurt those closest to her. She realized she’d put her friends’ lives in danger.
Later that night, she went into Mac’s office and packed more books into boxes, stumbling upon his journals. Ella remembered seeing him writing in them from time to time, but had never read them herself. She pulled open the oldest one—it was more than thirty years old—and began to read. He didn’t write often, mostly only during the most important events in his life.
There were seven journals in total. Ella spent every moment she could spare the following week reading through Mac’s life as he’d written it. One Tuesday evening, she cried with happiness seeing that he’d begun to write more frequently after she’d arrived at his inn.
Today, Ella completed her degree and I could not be prouder of her. She is such a strong young woman. She has a knack for this business.
These past few years, she has grown the wings to fly off on her own and be independent. I know it is selfish, but I hope she never chooses to fly far from me. She is the daughter I never had. I don’t know what I would do without her as my companion.