The Startling Inaccuracy of the First Impression

by A. E. Radley

  “I have a theory,” she said.

  “Oh yes?” Katie asked casually.

  “You’ve said that you grew up in an unconventional house,” Verity said.

  “I did,” Katie agreed.

  “And you seem to struggle to look after yourself sometimes. I think you have extremely low self-esteem. I suspect, and please correct me if I’m wrong, that you left your family home at a young age and with little support. Since then, you’ve struggled to find your feet. Along the way, you’ve probably fallen into relationships with people who haven’t had such issues, and certainly didn’t notice it in you, as you’re an expert in masking those things.”

  Katie’s head was bowed slightly, but her gaze focused on Verity.

  “I believe,” Verity continued, “that you don’t consider yourself worthy of things. You don’t buy yourself anything you don’t absolutely need. You don’t treat yourself at all. Do you feel unworthy?”

  Katie shrugged a shoulder again.

  “Maybe you have made a few unlucky choices when it comes to partners,” Verity allowed. “Maybe those people took advantage of your lack of self-esteem. But I think that it is most certainly their fault and not yours. I don’t believe for a second that you’re bad at relationships. I think you’ve been unfortunate in finding yourself with people who are.”

  Katie lifted her head. “You hardly know me.”

  Verity smiled. “I know you plenty well.”

  “Maybe all of this is an act. Maybe I am after your money,” Katie suggested, a lopsided grin firmly in place.

  “Ah yes, the famous ‘getting yourself stabbed so your rude upstairs neighbour has to look after you’ scam.”

  “You’re not rude,” Katie said.

  “I was.”

  “Well, yeah, you were,” Katie agreed.

  Verity laughed. “I always walk into that one.” She placed her hand on Katie’s knee. “We make a right pair, don’t we?”

  “We do,” Katie agreed in a whisper.

  “I’m sorry about my… little display there.” Verity ducked her head, still embarrassed at her angry reaction. She reminded herself to redirect her displeasure at the real cause: Mary.

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

  Katie put two fingers under Verity’s chin and delicately encouraged her to look up.

  Verity’s breath caught when she looked into Katie’s eyes. There was so much feeling in them, she felt she might just drown. Moreover, Verity wanted to.

  “Am I… imagining things?” Verity asked. “Or is there something between us?”

  “You’re not imagining things,” Katie whispered.

  Verity didn’t know what to say next, but that turned out to not be a problem as a moment later lips touched hers.

  She closed her eyes and leaned slightly into the kiss, savouring the feel of Katie’s soft, warm lips.

  It was over all too quickly as Katie sat back again. Verity held her breath, wondering if Katie was about to apologise and declare it all a mistake. She didn’t think she could take much more back and forth; she needed to know where they stood. The constantly moving goalposts of their relationship were causing her to feel dazed.

  “We shouldn’t do this now,” Katie breathed. “We should absolutely do this, but not right now.”

  Verity allowed her eyes to flutter open.

  “It’s bad timing,” Katie explained at her questioning look. “You have all this stuff with Mary, and neither of us is over dealing with Chris. I need to process my horrible date with Deanna.”

  “True,” Verity allowed, her voice no more than a whisper. She didn’t want to say anything that might ruin whatever was changing between them.

  “We need time to process everything,” Katie said. “Don’t you think?”

  Verity slowly nodded. It was probably for the best, even though she really didn’t want to leave now. Fear that Katie would change her mind, or that she herself would get cold feet, gnawed at her.

  Katie leaned closer and placed a kiss on her cheek. “I think this will be a lot better in the morning light, when we’re both rested and not so emotionally charged. Don’t you?”

  36

  I’d Like to Date Your Mother

  “You,” Katie said to her reflection in the bathroom mirror, “are an absolute idiot.”

  It had been an hour since Verity had left, plenty of time for Katie to wonder about her own sanity. In her heart she knew it was the right thing to put the brakes on and slow down whatever was building between them.

  But that didn’t mean she had to like it.

  In fact, she hated it.

  She turned away from the mirror and splashed some cold water on her face.

  She’d wanted to take Verity’s face in her hands and kiss her senseless. Wanted to take her hand and lead her to the bedroom. But both actions had seemed wrong considering the evening’s events.

  Some kind of understanding had been met, and Katie didn’t want to ruin that. Against all odds, it seemed like Verity thought Katie was a good person and someone who could potentially hold down a relationship. Possibly with her.

  Katie splashed a little extra cold water on her face. The thought that Verity thought that they might be compatible had been the final straw. Fighting off Deanna and then seeing Chris had been exhausting. Every moment of interaction with them had merely ratcheted the existing knowledge that it was Verity she wanted to be with.

  Verity, who didn’t shout and scream. Verity, who seemed to understand Katie on a level even she didn’t quite grasp. Verity, with welcoming lips and eyes she could get lost in.

  Katie dried her face and let out a deep breath.

  Verity, whom she had sent away so they could both organise their thoughts.

  “Absolute idiot,” she mumbled again.

  She applied some night cream, suddenly taking a little more interest in the softness of her skin than she had when she was preparing for her date with Deanna.

  She caught her reflection again in the mirror.

  “It was the right thing to do,” she told her irritated expression. “You weren’t ready. She wasn’t ready. If there’s something between you, it will still be there in the morning. She won’t change her mind overnight, and if she does, then it wasn’t what you thought it was anyway.”

  She turned and plucked her toothbrush from the holder and squeezed a strip of toothpaste onto the bristles.

  It was all true. Waiting until the morning was the right thing to do, but Katie still felt as if she had thrown a winning lottery ticket out of the window.

  She tried to push thoughts of Verity out of her mind and instantly regretted it when she saw Chris in her mind’s eye.

  It had hurt to see Chris in such a bad place. In the past, that would have been enough for Katie to go back to her. Had been enough, time and time again.

  Katie hated herself for the numerous times she’d fallen for Chris’ games. At least she could take comfort in the fact that it wouldn’t happen again.

  She felt no ill will towards Chris, just sadness. She didn’t love Chris anymore and hadn’t for a very long time. In an ideal world, Chris would realise a few home truths about herself and seek help. Katie knew that was unlikely.

  She brushed her teeth and attempted to push all thoughts of Chris from her mind. She was gone, hopefully for good. There were other things to occupy her thoughts now.

  Not least of all the question of if Verity was right. Did Katie feel unworthy? Did so many of her issues stem from a lack of self-confidence?

  She slowed in her brushing, realising that was likely very true but something she had buried away.

  Verity had seen it right away. Had others? Had they not noticed, or had they noticed and used it to their advantage?

  The bathroom door opened, and Katie jumped in surprise. Kitty waltzed into the room as if she owned the place.

  Katie let out a sigh and spat toothpaste into the sink.

  “Come in, why don’t you?”
>
  Kitty sat on the floor and looked up at her.

  “I’d like to date your mother. What do you say about that?” Katie asked.

  Kitty continued to look at her, not blinking and with no sound emanating from her.

  “Give me some clue,” Katie requested.

  Kitty shifted quickly, lifted a leg into the air, and started washing her bottom.

  Katie rolled her eyes and turned away. “Thanks,” she muttered before continuing to brush her teeth.

  It wasn’t a glowing recommendation, but then she really ought not to be looking for confirmation from a cat. Especially not a spoilt cat like Kitty.

  Katie knew that Verity would never be considered an obvious choice for her. They were from very different worlds, there was the matter of the considerable number of years between them, and there was Verity’s family who had already attempted to quash anything between them.

  Is that my low self-esteem talking? Katie wondered.

  Katie considered the previous disastrous relationships she’d been in. They all had one thing in common: she’d practically sleepwalked into them and then stayed well beyond the expiry date.

  This was the first time in memory that Katie could recall being interested in someone and then acting on that interest. Surely that had to mean something?

  Could this be the time she didn’t glide into another bad relationship, encouraged by people who wanted to use her and control her?

  Was the fact that Katie was actually willing to reach out to Verity the difference that she’d been looking for in her life? Could the woman who wouldn’t even buy herself a second pair of shoes actually be doing something for herself?

  She finished brushing her teeth, rinsed the brush, and put it back in the holder.

  She looked back at her reflection; this time she was smiling. “Maybe things are on the up?”

  37

  Clomping Down the Stairs

  Verity looked in the hallway mirror one last time before heading downstairs to Katie’s apartment.

  She’d already checked her appearance several times that morning. She’d not managed to get much sleep and had piled on the foundation in an attempt to hide the bags under her eyes. With little success, she thought.

  Most of the night had been spent tossing and turning, thinking about anything and everything from the last couple of weeks.

  She’d finally kissed Katie. Well, Katie had kissed her. And then Katie had sent her away.

  It had taken every scrap of strength to walk away, to smile and agree that it was the right thing to do. Because it was the right thing to do, but that didn’t mean that Verity wanted to do it.

  Fear bubbled away within her that something would go wrong, like Jim’s untimely arrival or Mary’s interference. Verity had lain awake in bed, convinced that when she returned to Katie’s apartment the following morning, something would have changed.

  She didn’t think she could take that. She’d fallen for Katie completely over the brief period of time they had gotten to know each other. It seemed ludicrous even to her, but it was true, and she felt it with every fibre of her being.

  Hearing Katie claim that she was bad at relationships had been heart-breaking. While the younger woman didn’t speak much about her past, Verity had gotten a clear idea. She just hoped that she could maybe be what Katie needed in her life, if indeed she wanted Verity in her life.

  She blew out a breath and regarded her reflection.

  “Come on, then. Let’s go,” she told herself.

  She didn’t move.

  Slowly, she raised a hand and unbuttoned another button on her crisp, white shirt. Now it was the grey tartan waistcoat that was doing the greater job at protecting her modesty.

  She turned to the side and regarded the decision with a critical eye. Did she look desperate? Did she look ridiculous?

  She ran a hand through her hair, making sure it was firmly behind her ear before turning and making her way down the stairs.

  It would be quite easy to spend all day staring at her reflection and wondering what Katie had to say, but there was only one way to be certain.

  She opened her front door, closed it behind her, and rapped on Katie’s.

  She heard footsteps on the wooden floor come to a stop on the other side of the door.

  “Who is it?” Katie asked playfully.

  “It’s your upstairs neighbour, complaining about the noise,” Verity replied.

  Katie opened the door, chuckling as she did. “I should be the one complaining, the way you clomp down those stairs.”

  “I do not clomp,” Verity argued.

  “You do.” Katie gestured for her to enter the apartment. “Come in, I’ll make some coffee.”

  Kitty strolled out of the bedroom, and Verity rolled her eyes.

  “So that’s why she didn’t come in for breakfast.”

  “Yeah, sorry, she was in here last night, and I couldn’t be bothered trying to throw her out,” Katie admitted. “She’s a pretty good cuddle companion.”

  “She hogs the bed,” Verity complained. There had been more than one occasion when she’d been woken up by Kitty stretching out to take up more room than a small cat could ever need.

  “I don’t mind sharing.” Katie winked and walked away.

  Verity felt her pulse pick up. She’d been worrying all night that Katie would have changed her mind; now it seemed that fear was unfounded.

  She realised she was still standing in the hallway and hurried to catch up.

  In the kitchen, Katie was preparing coffee with a pensive look on her face.

  “What’s wrong?” Verity asked, concerned by the sudden change in her demeanour.

  “I was just wondering what you’re going to do about Mary,” Katie admitted.

  “Well, you can rest assured that she won’t be coming back here, not unless she has a drastic attitude readjustment and is ready to apologise to you,” Verity reassured her.

  Verity had decided that Mary would either be supportive or out of their lives. It wasn’t asking much, she thought. And if she had any chance of her relationship with Katie working out, she needed to make sure that Mary knew the limits of Verity’s patience.

  She’d spent some of the night researching self-esteem issues. She’d discovered that confidence issues often went hand in hand with an acute dislike of confrontation, which made perfect sense when Verity recalled Katie’s behaviour and conversations.

  “You’ve spoken to her?” Katie asked nervously.

  “No.” Verity approached and leaned against the opposite work surface. “I’ve sent her a little message to say I’ve come down with a cold and will be unavailable for a couple of days. A little white lie while I calm down and consider the best way to approach her.”

  Katie turned around, worriedly biting her lip.

  “Katie, the issues I have with Mary have been brewing for a while. If it wasn’t this, it would have been something else,” Verity said.

  “I don’t want to come between you. Family is important,” Katie replied.

  Verity held out her hand and was pleased when Katie took it. She squeezed the hand supportively.

  “Family is important, but not at any cost. If Mary really loves me, then she has to learn to accept me. And she can’t meddle in my life. If I say and do nothing, my relationship with her will be doomed.”

  “I just… she came here because she was worried about me. I don’t want to prove her right. I don’t want her to think that I’m coming between you,” Katie said.

  “I’m a big girl,” Verity told her. “I make my own decisions, Mary knows that. She came to you because she knew that if she came to me, I’d put her in her place. I will do what I like. When I like. With whomever I like.”

  Verity gently pulled on Katie’s hand and was pleased when Katie allowed herself to be brought closer.

  This time, Verity took the initiative. She tilted her head slightly and, still not quite sure where Katie’s thoughts were, placed a very lig
ht kiss on Katie’s lips.

  Katie pulled her hand free from Verity’s loose grip and threw her arms around her neck, pulling her in close.

  Verity stepped forward, pushing Katie back against the work surface. She placed her hands on the worktop, on either side of Katie’s body, to hold her in place but not touch her.

  She knew that if she touched Katie now, she wouldn’t stop. That might have been what she wanted, but she wasn’t sure what Katie wanted yet. That said, the intensity of Katie’s kisses gave her a pretty good clue what Katie might want.

  Katie tore her lips away and started to work her way down Verity’s chin and neck.

  “You smell so good,” Katie whispered between nibbles and kisses.

  Verity swallowed hard and lifted her head to grant Katie more access. She was suddenly very glad she’d undone the extra button as Katie edged her way around the collar of the shirt and made her way south.

  Katie paused. Verity wanted to scream.

  She looked down as Katie looked up.

  “Are you sure about this?” Katie asked.

  Verity nodded. “Very.”

  “Because I want this,” Katie continued, “but once we’ve done it, there’s no going back.”

  “I want this, too,” Verity said, wondering why her voice sounded so husky. How could one kiss have caused such a reaction in her? She felt as if she was on fire, and craved the heat.

  Katie stepped back and plucked one of Verity’s hands from the work surface. “Let’s take this to the bedroom then, shall we? We don’t want any peeping toms getting a free show.”

  Verity glanced behind her at the garden. While they weren’t exactly overlooked, it was possible to see into the kitchen from surrounding houses. She was thankful for Katie’s foresight and briefly wondered where hers had gone. She was suddenly consumed with a need for Katie.

  Katie stepped away and gently pulled on Verity’s hand, and she fell into step behind her.

  “Wait,” Verity said once they were in the hallway.

  Katie stopped and let go of her hand.

  Verity went into the dining room and picked up Kitty. She opened the back door and put her outside.