sometimes following you dreams means breaking your heart

by Claire Gough

  He smiles. “Thanks… I think.”

  “Honestly, you have serious talent. There were some pretty painful lyrics going on, too.”

  His smile slowly fades. “I guess that’s because I have a pretty painful past.”

  He turns and leans back against the wall. I do the same, copying how he's standing. He takes a huge breath before turning to grin at me.

  “Hey, how about we drive past your building, seeing as you’re in such a great mood.”

  I know he’s changing the subject, but I don’t care. Seeing that building again was definitely on my to-do list today. He takes hold of my hand and leads me back to his car.

  We drive around for longer than necessary. As much as I love just driving around with Fin, Thursday is the day I usually do paperwork.

  I look over at him, his hair gleaming in the sun as it blows around thanks to our open windows. It’s easy to see why I’d rather be wasting my time with him, especially when I know that time is limited.

  That’s a weird feeling for me. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always put the B&B ahead of everything. It wasn’t until I was twenty-one that I allowed Bee to drag me to my first club. That’s when I started dating, but guys soon gave up. I'd much rather study for my health and hygiene course, or study for my business course. Or I’d rather stay in to help look after guests. Wanting to leave the paperwork now, just to spend time with a guy is so strange.

  I recognise the song that starts playing through the speakers. “Where I Belong” by The Dukes. The song is among some other slow, mellow songs, so it’s harder for anyone else to find, I guess. Fin turns to smile at me, like we’re both in on the same secret.

  “Fin, if this song means so much to you, why don’t you put it to the guys once more?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “There’s no point. Just because it means a lot to me doesn’t make it good.” I shake my head as he laughs at himself.

  Once back at The Driftwood, we stand in the lobby. I hear Jill and Alistair in the bar area talking to a mother and daughter who come to stay with us every summer. I should go and say hello, but I can’t. I just stand here, not wanting to tell Fin I have paperwork to do.

  “So, what do you have—” he starts, but stops when my phone starts ringing. I dig it out of my pocket and look at the screen, seeing Bee’s name. I smile at him as I answer.

  “Hey, Bee. You okay?”

  She laughs. “Of course. Just seeing if you need me.”

  I frown. Why would I need her?

  I hear her sigh when I don’t say anything. “Oh, my god. Has your brain completely frazzled? It’s Thursday. I usually run you to the cash and carry.”

  I close my eyes, remembering. “Oh yes. Sorry.”

  “So… Do you need me?”

  “I haven’t actually had a chance to check yet.” I stare up at Fin, who smiles at me.

  “You’ve been with him all day, haven’t you?” she asks. I can hear the excitement seeping into her voice.

  I cringe. “Maybe.”

  “Okay… Well, go see what you need. I’ll be there in thirty.” She laughs and hangs up.

  “Sorry. With everything going on, I completely forgot it’s Thursday.” Fin looks at me, confused. “Bee usually runs me to the cash and carry every Thursday after work to stock up on things we need.”

  “I’ll take you,” he replies quickly. I just stare at him blankly. He smiles, gesturing to my phone. “Ring her back and tell her I’ll take you.”

  “Fin, you've hardly seen your friends today and that’s completely my fault.”

  He sighs. “I thought I told you to let me worry about how I spend my time. I saw them this morning, and I’ll see them at our last gig tonight. Please, call Bee back and tell her you already have a ride.”

  I stare into his eyes. My heart sinks. Last gig? I didn’t even know there was a gig tonight, let alone his last one.

  I feel bad. Bee loves our Thursday trips. Plus, I haven’t really seen her much recently as I’ve been with Fin and she's been with Brad. I could really do with soaking up some of her carefree attitude right now.

  Fin takes the phone out my hand, hits redial, and hands it back to me with a smile on his face.

  Once I have the cash and carry member’s card in my hand, I walk out the front door and skip down the steps to Fin, who’s already in his car, waiting.

  “Are you sure about this?” I say, shouting over the song playing rather loudly.

  Fin turns it down. “Of course.” He smiles at me as I slide into the passenger seat.

  “Which way do I go?” he asks, and I start directing him. It’s 5:00pm, so the sun is right in his eyes. He pulls out a pair of black sunglasses and puts them on.

  Holy shit, he's gorgeous!

  How can an accessory change his appearance so much? This is definitely one of the moments I want to stamp into my memory. His hair blowing in the wind. His elbow leaning out the window. Those gorgeous and full lips of his singing softly to the lyrics. His fingers tapping on the steering wheel. I feel tears sting my eyes. How do I prepare myself to lose this?

  I know it’s stupid, but I do the only thing I can to make sure I never forget this moment, never forget him or the way he makes me feel. I take my phone out and take a photo of him. His lips turn into a smile, but he keeps his eyes on the road.

  “Alex, did you just take a picture of me?”

  “Pfft, no! Stop being big-headed.” I bite my lip, trying not to laugh.

  “Yes, of course. Sorry.” He laughs and places his hand on my thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. It’s something so small, yet so natural. I lace my fingers in his and hold his hand on my thigh. He bites his lip for a second, then smiles.

  I watch Fin's face as he gets out of the car in the huge car park, then to collect our trolley. He seems fully excited about doing one of my weekly chores. I think this could be fun with Fin, but I think any chore would be fun with him.

  I was right.

  “This has never been so much fun before,” I say, putting the twenty-four packs of each flavour jam sachets into the trolley.

  “Thanks… I think. If that’s true, I feel bad for Bee,” he laughs as he pushes the trolley, following me around.

  “Okay, you can never tell her I said that.”

  “I might have to. It’s bad to lie.” He grins.

  “Then I just might have to get her to force your name out of Brad.”

  “If I tell her you think she's no fun first, do you really think she'll do anything for you?”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “You’re an evil genius, Finnley.”

  “So I've been told.”

  He walks around the trolley and puts his hands on my hips, pulling me to him. I wrap my arms around his neck, still holding napkins in one hand.

  “You know, you’re sexy when you’re trying to blackmail me, Miss Duke,” he whispers.

  I giggle. “Then I should try it more often.”

  “No,” he says quickly, his eyes searching my face. “You’re even sexier when you’re just being you.”

  His words leave me breathless and I feel the blush spreading across my cheeks. “Sexy” is not something I’ve ever been called before. I’m always the “cute” one. I softly touch my lips to his, just enough to let him know how much his words mean to me.

  When Fin pulls away, I smile. “Come on. Let’s get out of this place.”

  I stand there, watching Fin carry the bags through the kitchen and into the utility area. Guests are not allowed back here. What’s worse is Jill saw me pull up with Fin and watched us walk into the kitchen. If she weren’t already a hundred percent certain which guy I had a crush on, she definitely knows now.

  “Wow, so this is your lair?” Fin asks as he inspects the bright yellow kitchen.

  “Yep. This is my bat cave.” I lean against the sink and cross my arms across my chest as he studies the room.

  “Oh, my god. That’s your mom,” he states, staring at the picture on the windowsill.

&
nbsp; It’s my third birthday and she’s holding me, trying to teach me how to blow bubbles. I don’t really remember that day, but Jill has told me I kept blowing raspberries at the stick, which kept breaking the bubble, making mom laugh every time. In the photo, her eyes are creased at the edges. She looks so happy and beautiful.

  “Can I?” Fin asks, reaching toward the frame that has bits of coloured pasta stuck to it. It was a Mother’s Day project when I was in school. Bits of pasta are missing and peeling off it now, but I’ll never ever get rid of it. Mom loved it. She cried when I gave it to her.

  When I nod, he picks up the frame. I miss both my parents every day, but right now, I wish I still had my mom here. I want to tell her about Fin, about this weird connection I feel for him, how it’s going to tear me apart when he leaves on Sunday.

  “You were right, Alex. You have her eyes.” His voice is quiet and sad now. “What was her name?”

  “Jayne,” I whisper.

  He gives me a half-smile, but his eyes look sad. My own fill with tears. Seeing his pain for me when he's only known me a matter of days is too much to take.

  “Well, Mrs. Duke, it’s nice to meet you.” His voice shakes a little. “You must be so proud of your daughter right now because I know I am. It’s been a pleasure getting to know her, so thank you for that.”

  Tears start to spill from the corners of my eyes as I watch him have a conversation with my mom. He carefully places the frame back on the windowsill. He smiles at it one more time before turning back to me. I smile, despite the tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping off my chin.

  He reaches out and pulls me to his chest. I let the tears fall as I grasp his shirt in my hands. He kisses my head and lets me cry. I’m crying for not having my parents here when I’m possibly facing the biggest decision of my life. I’m crying because I’m going to have to tell Jill and Alistair I’m moving on. I’m crying because, in just a few days, I’m going to have to say goodbye to the guy who held my hand through it all.

  I hate this!

  The more I stare at the computer, the more I’m winding myself up. Nothing makes sense to me. I know Fin has his last gig tonight and I can’t go unless I get this done, but the more I concentrate, the more the words on the screen start to swim around.

  The computer is in a little cubbyhole in the lounge area. I'm reading emails about bookings and trying to allocate rooms. I'm also sorting out invoices and photocopying receipts for the whole week. It’s a nightmare.

  I hear movement behind me.

  “‘Together Again’...or maybe ‘Home’?”

  I hear Cole talking as the guys walk into the bar. My heart sinks. I'm nowhere near finished and the guys are leaving for their gig.

  I’m out of time.

  I look up and smile at Cole, who smiles back at me for the first time since they walked in for breakfast on Saturday. Fin and Jay walk in behind him, then Brad. A smile spreads across Fin's face when he sees me. He walks up and kisses my cheek, then starts to rub my shoulders. Oh, my god. I didn’t realise how tense my body was until his hands massage the knots out of it.

  “You’re not ready?” Fin asks, leaning over my shoulder and trying to read the screen, not that he’d understand it.

  “Ready?” I ask, turning to look at him.

  He straightens and frowns down at me. “You’re not coming to the gig?” I notice pain shoot across his face, although he tries not to let it show.

  “Fin, you do realise you haven’t actually asked me to the gig, right?” I ask, cringing.

  He rubs the back of his neck with his hand. The bottom of his green t-shirt lifts, revealing a little skin, and it’s right at my eye level. I wonder how inappropriate it would be to lean over and kiss that bit of skin. He puts his arm down and the top falls back into place.

  Damn it.

  “I just assumed…” He shrugs and crouches down next to me. “Please come, Alex.” He places his hands on mine.

  I feel awful right now. I want to be there for him more than anything, but I can’t just give up my responsibilities. Once I finished my business course, I had to beg Jill to let me take over all the paperwork. I can’t just run off and leave it for a night out with Fin. I look at the computer, then back at Fin.

  “It’s okay. Honestly. I'm sorry I didn’t ask you earlier. I just assumed.” He shakes his head and stands up.

  “We ready?” Cole asks.

  I turn back to face the computer, but if I couldn’t concentrate before, I really can’t concentrate now. I feel hollow inside, like I’ve just let him down.

  “Alex, how do we get to the Dog and Duck?” Brad asks.

  “Oh, right.” As I give the directions, he types them on his phone, then nods.

  “Better get going then,” Cole says and starts toward the door. Fin looks at me, then at the door.

  I jump up and walk up to him, sliding my arms around his waist and pulling him to me. “I’m so sorry I can’t be there tonight,” I mumble into his chest.

  He kisses my head and rubs his hand down my back. “It’s okay, Alex. I know you have responsibilities. I honestly wouldn’t want you to give that up just for me.”

  I pull away and look up at him. He’s staring down at me with those gorgeous golden eyes. I softly place my lips on his. He's shocked for a moment, then kisses me back. It’s a short one, but that’s all I need to do to let him know I meant what I said.

  I watch him walk out the door. I run to the window and see him walking down the street, taking part of my heart with him.

  I blink a few times. The guys have been gone forty minutes, but I still can’t seem to concentrate.

  “Alexis!”

  I jump, turning to see my aunt in the doorway with her arms folded, a stern look on her face. I shoot up from my seat.

  “Jill? Is everything okay?”

  The look on her face and tone of her voice take me back to being eleven when I didn’t want to go to my new school after the accident. I walk closer, but not too close, just in case she's going to tell me off for kissing Fin in the lounge. Although I know she doesn’t know about the kiss, I can’t help but worry. Something has obviously upset her.

  “Bailey called to talk to me…again.” I frown, confused. “Alex, why aren’t you at that concert with those boys?”

  I freeze for two reasons. One, she just called me Alex. I really am in trouble. And two, the pain crossing her face makes my heart stop.

  I shake my head. “What?”

  “Sweetheart, you've been through so much in your life. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

  “I am—”

  She sighs. “Let me finish.” I frown. Her voice softens. “You have never let anything you’ve been through hold you back from what you want to do in life, and I have always admired that. I have never seen a young person so determined to get what she wants.”

  I am scared to speak, tears in my eyes. The accident was something that affected both of us, but we never really talk about it anymore.

  “I am so proud of you for how hard you’ve worked to get where you want to be. I know your mom and dad are so proud of you, wherever they are, too.” She closes her eyes and sighs loudly. “But I also know they would want you to live a little! Every time you turn down a night out, or a chance to have fun, I feel like I’ve let them down. They would want me to fight to make sure you have fun, Alexis, so that’s what I’m doing. I know you want to be there for me…God knows, you were there when there was no one else…but I’m not on my own anymore. Sweetheart, it’s time you started living.”

  A tear trickles down my cheek. I still don’t know if I’m allowed to speak yet, so I stand there, helpless, watching tears build in her eyes, too.

  “This boy… This Fin…” She says the name like it doesn’t fit right in her mouth. “He means something to you. I can tell. He's only here for a few days.” She smiles. “Please, go and make the most of it.” When I open my mouth, she holds up her hand. “Don’t argue with me, either. Just l
eave the paperwork to us.” When a tear slips out of her eye, she quickly wipes it away.

  I do the only thing I can. I walk over and wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly, letting the last few tears slip out of my eyes. When I pull away, we both smile and wipe our cheeks.

  “If I agree to do this, will you do me one favour?” I ask.

  “Okay…,” she says with a frown.

  I smile. “Call me a taxi, please.” She grins as I kiss her cheek, then head to my room to change.

  Fin isn’t expecting me, so I need to dress for extra shock value. I pull out a black chiffon dress with huge sequins around the high neckline and shimmy into it, then pull on my black knee-high boots that have three buckles down the side. I look in my wardrobe, seeing it hanging right in front of me.

  I only wear it on special occasions. My little leather jacket, the only gift I was given on my twenty-first birthday. Everyone gave me money, as usual, but Jill, Alistair, and Bee all wanted to give me something to actually open. I love it so much, I’ve been scared to wear it. I slide it off the hanger, praying.

  Yes! It still fits.

  God, I love this jacket. I need to wear it more often. Fin and I are going to look like we have his and hers matching jackets, but I don’t care. Then I straighten my hair and freshen my makeup.

  “Your taxi just pulled up,” I hear Jill call. My heart starts racing, thankful the guys had to ask me for directions so I know where the gig is.

  I spray on some perfume and head to the front door, seeing Jill waiting. She's practically beaming. I think she finally said some things she’s wanted to say for a while.

  “Thank you,” I whisper and kiss her head.

  “Thank you for listening…for once.”

  I give her one last smile before running down the three concrete steps and into the taxi.

  This has to be the only problem with the plan that I didn’t think about. I hate walking into bars by myself.

  The taxi has long since gone and I’m still standing there, staring at the Dog and Duck. I can’t hear the band yet, so I’m not late, but if I stand here much longer, I will be. That thought alone fuels me to reach out and open the door. The smell of booze hits me, making me smile. It will forever remind me of Fin's gigs.