sometimes following you dreams means breaking your heart

by Claire Gough

  I tremble a little, nervous Fin is going to spot me before I spot him. I’d hate to miss the look on his face. I glance around at the green-and-brown décor, searching for the guys. I see Cole near the stage, talking to Mark. I hope that won’t cause problems tonight.

  My eyes search, thinking the guys will be sitting somewhere near Cole…

  There!

  To the left of the stage, sitting at a rectangle table, I see the back of Fin's head. He’s staring at his pint, running his fingers up and down the sides of the glass, making patterns in the condensation. I slowly walk closer. I hadn’t noticed Bee sitting there, too.

  Shit!

  She spots me first. I freeze on the spot. Her eyes widen.

  Thank you, I mouth.

  A small smile curves the corners of her lips. Welcome.

  Bee leans across the table, taps the back of Fin’s hand, and nods at me. He turns slowly. I can’t move, scared of his reaction.

  He stares at me for a moment. I feel my heart beat in every cell of my body as I watch him push his chair back and walk over to me.

  “You’re here.” He slides his hands into my hair and holds my face, studying it.

  I smile. “Of course I am. You have a gig. Where else would I be?”

  His lips crash into mine with an urgency I need to feel right now. I slide my fingers inside the waistband of his jeans. The warmth of his skin sets my pulse on fire. I pull his body to mine as his tongue slowly explores my mouth, forcing a moan from my lips. I slide my hands up his back. He groans, the feeling of it vibrating through my lips and chest.

  He pulls away. His hands still hold my head as he stares into my eyes, like he still can’t quite believe it.

  “But how are you here?” he asks.

  “Bee called Jill. She gave me a lecture about living my life while I can.”

  “I’m so happy to see you.”

  He kisses me again, softer this time, then pulls away to study my outfit.

  “Wow. You look…amazing, Alex.” He grins. If I was unsure about wearing a dress before, the look he gives me lets me know I made the right choice. His arm snakes around my waist, leaving a trail of goosebumps on my skin as he leans in to kiss me again.

  He pulls away and grabs my hand. “Come on. Let’s get you a drink before I have to be on stage.” He leads me to the bar.

  Other than Fin and Bee, I haven’t spoken to anyone since I got here. It’s not intentional, but Fin’s hand on my bare knee makes it quite difficult to form words.

  Finally finding my voice, I turn to him. “Are you looking forward to getting on stage tonight?”

  He smiles and squeezes my knee, making me jump. “I am now.”

  I stare at him. He knows exactly what he's doing and looks quite proud of himself.

  He kisses my cheek. “Did I mention how amazing you look?” he whispers into my ear before sitting back.

  When his hand slides up the inside of my thigh a little bit more, I am grateful I wore a dress…so very grateful.

  “You’re trouble, Mr. Finnley.” My voice comes out more breathy than I’d like. I’m lucky he’s the only one who can hear me. He bites his lip, probably to stop himself from grinning.

  “Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Dog and Duck,” the announcer says.

  Fin doesn’t pull his gaze away from me, so I hold his stare, like it’s a challenge. He finally grins and looks at the announcer.

  “We have a couple bands to entertain you this evening. Let’s start by welcoming, all the way from Oxford, The Dukes!”

  Cole strides up to the stage, then Brad and Jay filter in behind him. Fin kisses my head and slowly walks up on stage, taking his place behind the drums.

  Bee moves to sit next to me. She links her arm through mine as we stare at the guys. They start with a few covers, but as soon as they finish those, I sit and listen to every word Cole sings, trying to piece together parts of Fin. It’s hard, though. Lyrics are a tough thing to decipher. Some of them come from a deep place, but I guess others are used just because they rhyme. How am I supposed to know the difference? I wish I knew more about him. It’s not fair. He knows pretty much all of my painful past.

  Watching the guys perform, I realise I’m going to miss each of them. Brad…with his ability to point out the obvious. Cole…with his stern leadership that none of them seem to follow. Jay…who I’m sure has a sense of humour, which he hides really well. Maybe he’s just scared to talk to any other female who isn’t his future wife. And, of course, Fin. I don’t know where to start with the list of things I'll miss about him.

  I'll miss the way he seems to understand what I’m going through. If he doesn’t, he does a great job of pretending. His support that, once I get my own business up and running, is something I would love to have twenty-four/seven. Watching him have conversations with my mom’s photograph. That amazing body.

  Most of all though, I think I’ll miss those lips. The way they make me feel weightless and lightheaded, even with the softest touch.

  Just thinking about him leaving makes me feel empty. It hurts too much.

  I am so grateful leather keeps the wind out. Why don’t I wear this jacket more often?

  Fin asked if he could walk me home early. I have no clue why, but I don’t really care.

  “You guys did great tonight,” I say.

  He grasps my hand. “You think?”

  “Definitely. Everyone was really into it.”

  “Good. We’re still working on putting music to the lyrics I just wrote.”

  “Just?”

  “This week.” He smiles down at me and rubs his thumb over the back of my hand. I wonder if I made it into these new lyrics. I know that’s a little big-headed, but if I wrote anything right now, he'd be in every single line.

  “So, do you carry, like, a notepad around or something?”

  “Actually, I do, but if I’m out and lyrics just come to me, I’ll type them on my phone.”

  I nod. I wish I knew what it felt like to be that creative.

  “So… Have you heard from the B&B yet?” he asks. I laugh. He only handed in the form today.

  “No. From what I've heard, it takes a few months or so before you hear back.”

  “That sucks. I wish it could be quicker for you.” He smiles at me as we walk. The ground is wet. Thank God we missed the rain because neither of our jackets have hoods.

  We're a few streets away from the Driftwood when Fin stops walking and pulls me to him. My hands slide around his waist and up his back.

  “I can’t believe it’s almost Friday, Alex.” He sighs heavily. Something about hearing him sound disappointed that our week is nearly over makes me almost crack.

  “I know.” My voice shakes.

  His lips gently brush mine. It’s a simple, soft movement. When he pulls away, I’m happy to see the special golden colour in his eyes. I bite my lip to stop my grin.

  “Your eyes have this amazing colour, Fin,” I whisper.

  He smiles slightly. “Funny. I’ve been thinking that about you all week.”

  “Who do you get it from?”

  I don’t know what I just said, but when he slides his hand back into mine and starts pulling me along again, I regret it.

  “I... I don’t know,” he whispers.

  I study the side of his face. “I’m sorry.” I don’t know what I’m apologising for, but it feels like I need to.

  “Don’t be. I was adopted when I was almost two.” He smiles, although I can see the pain behind it. I stop. Reluctantly, Fin turns to face me.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again.

  “Don’t be, Alex. Honestly. My adoptive parents were amazing to me.” He smiles and starts dragging me along again.

  “Were?”

  He shakes his head. “Let’s not get into that. We’ve had such a lovely night. Let’s not spoil it.” He tries to smile, but I’m not convinced. We walk in silence.

  I can’t stop thinking about what he just told me. He has no clue whic
h of his birth parents gave him those amazing eyes, or that crooked smile, or that beautiful chestnut hair that has a gorgeous red tint in the sun. I wonder if he knows who they were. Did they know him? More and more questions form in my mind, but I drop it…for now.

  We turn onto the street of The Driftwood. We haven’t said a word since. I don’t want the conversation about his parents to be the last thing we talk about tonight.

  “How come we left the pub so early?” I ask, keeping my voice light.

  He turns to me and smirks. “I just wanted more alone time with you.” His deep voice, coupled with that smirk, makes my heart stutter in my chest. “Plus, I didn’t want to keep you out late. Not after your aunt let you come to the gig.”

  When we reach the yellow gate, I stand and look at him for a moment. I don’t think I could ever look at him enough to commit his face to memory. My recollection of him when he’s not with me is already grey. God knows what it will be like months or years down the line.

  “Thanks. That’s really sweet,” I say and walk through the gate. I make my way up the huge steps to the front door, Fin following. I fish my keys out of my bag.

  “Don’t sound so shocked. I can be sweet, you know.”

  His voice is close. I turn to look at him over my shoulder. His smile slowly fades as his lips land on mine. I stop breathing, turning to face him. As soon as I do, he presses my body into the door, his hand cupping my face. My keys slip from my fingers, hitting the concrete steps. His kiss deepens as I push my hands through his hair. His tongue gently roams my mouth. I groan. I know we shouldn’t be doing this here, but I also know I can’t stop him... I don’t want to stop him. His hand glides over my collarbone, leaving a trail of goosebumps. I feel the warmth of it travel down my side and over my hip, grasping my thigh, making me shiver. His hand slides down, hooking behind my knee and wrapping my leg around his waist, pushing himself against me.

  “Jesus!” I gasp, forcing our lips apart. We stand there, panting.

  “Shit,” he curses, letting his forehead drop to mine. I can’t move. I am still pinned to the door and his hand still holds my leg.

  “Emergency stop,” he breathes, letting go of my leg. He pushes away from me and looks at the ground. I am still in shock and can’t move. That felt amazing!

  Fin scratches the back of his head and looks at me. I wonder what I must look like right now. Probably a hot, panting mess.

  I push off the door and glance around for my keys. Fin bends down and grabs them, handing them to me.

  “I’m sorry, Alex.”

  In the dim light of the two solar lamps on either side of the door, I can just make out the blush on his cheeks. I laugh. He frowns, looking confused.

  “Don’t apologise, Fin. That’s…” I'm about to tell him that’s the most alive I’ve felt in years, but I can’t say that. “That was amazing.” The look on his face says he knows it wasn’t what I wanted to say, but he nods.

  When I finally open the door, Fin is silent, but it’s not a comfortable silence this time. I know he regrets what just happened. I can see it in his eyes.

  “Thank you for coming tonight,” he says, his smile not reaching his eyes.

  “I’m glad I could.” I smile back.

  He scratches the back of his head nervously. I hate the emotional distance between us right now.

  “Good night, Alexis.” He gives me a half-hearted smile. I wish I could think of something to say, but I can’t. That kiss fried all my brain cells. It’ll probably take a good hour or so before I can form whole sentences again.

  “Good night, Finnley,” I whisper as I watch him make his way up the stairs to his room.

  I walk to my room, feeling deflated. I throw my purse and phone onto the bed.

  What the hell is that?

  I pick up a folded piece of paper that’s on my pillow. I run my fingers over my name written in my aunt’s handwriting. I unfold it and read it with a smile.

  I have no clue why she feels the need to give me the day off, but seeing as it’s 11:07pm and I'm just about to head into a very cold shower, I’m grateful. I strip out of my clothes on the way to the shower. The clothes can wait. The shower can’t.

  I can’t believe showering after 11:00pm has become my regular routine, but I need it. I’m sure that kiss at the door world require an ice bath to cool anyone down.

  Afterward, I put on my pink pyjama shorts and a grey vest top, then plop down onto my bed.

  I am physically drained, but my mind is very much awake. I hate how Fin and I left things tonight. I pick up my phone and stare at it. Should I text him? If I do, what will I say? Thanks for kickstarting my heart against the front door of my aunt’s place? I smirk to myself as I remember the heat. Heat that didn’t just come from me. God, it’s so sexy to think I turn him on.

  I jump as my phone vibrates in my hand.

  EMERGENCY IN ROOM 3! NEED YOUR HELP

  It’s Fin. I shoot up from the bed. Emergency? My mind races to figure out what sort of emergency would be taking place at this time of night. Fin’s okay because he's texting…

  Shit! Brad!

  Has Bee broken up with him and ripped his heart out? Is he wasted? God, I hope he hasn’t been sick everywhere. My aunt will go mad.

  I head for the door of my bedroom, seeing my pink fluffy slippers sitting there. I don’t care that it’s an emergency. Fin is not seeing me in those. I’ll just have to go barefoot.

  I run up the stairs, hoping I don’t wake any other guests on my way. I knock on the door to room 3, which isn’t shut all the way. I push open the door and see Fin sitting on the end of his bed. He's wearing a black vest top and navy blue track suit bottoms, and his hair is damp. Did he have to take a cold shower, too? His dark eyes meet mine. He’s holding a folded piece of paper.

  “You said there was an emergency?” I ask, breathless.

  “Okay, maybe it’s not exactly an emergency.”

  He smirks, his gaze travelling the full length of my body. His expression soon changes. He nods at me. “Is that what you sleep in?”

  Feeling self-conscious, I start to fidget. I wrap an arm across my stomach, suddenly wishing my top had sleeves and my shorts were longer.

  “Please, don’t hide yourself from me, Alexis.”

  “You said there was an emergency, Fin.”

  “Yeah, I may have exaggerated.”

  “So not only are you crap at knowing when to call an emergency stop, but you also exaggerate about real emergencies?” I grin. Just like that, things between us go right back to comfortable again, like the awkwardness after the incident at the door never existed.

  “Yeah, sorry about that.”

  He stands and hands me the piece of paper he’s holding. I recognise my aunt’s handwriting and smile.

  “Your aunt seems to think we’re sleeping together.”

  My eyes widen as I scan the note.

  I don’t know whether to be embarrassed or impressed that she thought this is how my night might end. Jill and I are close. I know if I ever have a problem, I can go to her with it, but my sex life, or lack thereof, isn’t something I’ve ever brought up with her. I can’t believe she'd think I might end up in Fin’s bed tonight. But, hey, the night isn’t over yet, and here I am, standing in his room in my pyjamas.

  I lift my eyes from the note to look at Fin. I catch a slight scent of mint. It must be his shampoo. He looks so natural right now, so beautiful.

  “So, seriously, is this what you wear to sleep?” he asks again, looking me up and down.

  His gaze leaves a trail of heat across my skin. He crosses his arms and smiles. I hate the way my stomach flips as the way he’s looking at me, but I like it…maybe a little too much. I’ve almost lost control with him once tonight. This could be dangerous if I want to keep my rules intact… But do I?

  “I should go,” I whisper and turn on my heel. He grabs my wrist.

  “Please, don’t.” I turn back to face him. “Look. I’m sorry about what happ
ened at the door. It won’t happen again.”

  “Do you mean at the door or against the door?”

  He smirks. “As I said, Alexis, I am sorry.”

  I smile. “And, as I said, please stop apologising, Fin. I’m only playing you up. Would it help if I told you I enjoyed every single second of it?”

  “Maybe a little.” His smile is sincere now.

  “Right. I guess that’s the emergency dealt with then.”

  I turn again, about to walk out, but his hand is still on my wrist. He starts pulling me toward the bed. He sees the panic cross my face. I don’t know if I can stop myself with him twice in one night, or if I want to stop myself. His touch is intoxicating. I’d hate for Bee to be able to say “I told you so” if I break rule two.

  “Trust me, Alex,” he says. Honestly, if any other guy were to say that to me while leading me to a bed, you can bet your ass I wouldn’t trust them. Fin, though? I do completely trust him.

  He climbs onto the bed and sits against the wooden headboard. He pats between his legs and motions me to sit down, like we did in the lounge Monday night. I sit and rest my head against his chest. I close my eyes as his arms wrap around me. I feel the tension drain out of my body.

  “So, how come your aunt thought you might end up here tonight?” His voice rumbles through me.

  “I don’t know.” I run my fingers up his forearm. “I think it’s probably because I don’t spend time with guys, so the fact that she's noticed me with you...”

  “So you really don’t have a different boyfriend every week?”

  I laugh, remembering him quizzing me about that at the beginning of the week. “No, I don’t. I don’t usually put makeup on to cook breakfast, either, but I have since you showed up. I guess she noticed that, too.”

  I feel him laugh. “So your aunt figured out you liked me before you did.” His voice is deep and quiet next to my right ear.