sometimes following you dreams means breaking your heart

by Claire Gough

  “You think I don’t know why you’re drinking, Alex?” He slides his hand into mine, squeezing it.

  “Um… Okay, Mystic Meg. Why am I drinking?” I ask with a smirk.

  “Maybe because I’ll be leaving soon?”

  I take a sip of my drink, ignoring his gaze and his question.

  “Are you forgetting the big life-changing decisions I’ve made this week?” I ask.

  “No, not at all. I just think it’s more than that right now.”

  My eyes meet his. I don’t know whether or not I hate the fact he can already read me so well. I stare into those golden eyes. I am going to miss that colour.

  “Hey, I have a very important question.” I grin and scoot my stool closer to his.

  “Yes?” he asks, smirking.

  “How much time and effort does this take?” I run my hand along the stubble on his cheek. He laughs as I pull my hand back. He takes a sip of his drink, then turns back to me.

  “It takes a lot of effort not to just shave the whole lot off. Why? Don’t you like it? I could get rid of it.”

  I shake my head fiercely. I slide my hand along his cheek again, his eyes on mine the whole time. He pulls my hand away and plants a kiss in the palm.

  Holy…shit! I felt that kiss through my entire body. Is that just because of the alcohol? If it is, I like it.

  He pulls his lips away from my hand and holds it in his on the table, looking at me. I’m pretty sure he knows he has just rendered me brain dead with his lips.

  Brad walks up. “We’re on the move, guys.” He points at Bee, who is rounding up Cole and Jay. Considering Cole is leaving the girl he just spent the past hour talking to, he seems happy enough. Jay looks ecstatic that were moving.

  I hate all this clubbing business because I can’t talk to Fin like I want to. At the same time, I love having to press up against him to hear him talk. Who knew being Bee could be so much fun. So far, I've only spent £8 on drinks for me and Fin. However, just because I’ve only paid for two drinks doesn’t mean I’ve only had two. In fact, I’ve actually had four shots and two vodka, lemon, and limes. I feel great!

  As we stand near the bar in the second club, Fin leans close to my ear, making me shiver. “Are you having fun yet?”

  I don’t know if it’s the alcohol taking over, but I push my back into his chest, making his breath falter. It’s about time I take his breath away like he keeps doing to me. His hands slide from my waist to wrap around my stomach, holding me to him. God, my head's swimming. All I can feel is Fin.

  I turn to the left, where his head rests on my shoulder. “Well, it’s not so bad right now.” I grind against him to the rhythm of the loud music. I feel him smirk as he brushes his lips down the side of my neck, making me shiver a little. His fingers dig into my skin as he shuffles me forward as the queue moves.

  “Do you really need another drink, Miss Duke?” His lips graze my ear and I stop moving to the music, melting into his body. He presses his lips to my bare shoulder, which makes me shiver. I wish Fin and I were alone somewhere. I close my eyes and give in to the sensation of his lips on my skin. I really don’t care who can see us right now. That has to be the alcohol, right?

  “Alex, are you okay?” he whispers.

  I open my eyes and turn around to face him. His eyes are dark, but shine at the same time. I’m only now realising the dangers of acting like Bee when I’m around Fin. I feel like I could easily break rule two, and that’s just from standing in this dingy club. Imagine if we were alone. I bite my lip and nod, still studying his face. This is going to be tough.

  We are on the way to what I think is our third club, but I’ve lost count. I’ve also lost count of how many drinks I’ve had so far. In that last club, I think I had one drink and one shot. The shot was clear and tasted like aniseeds. It was gross.

  Bee leads us all to her favourite club, Sanuk, which is probably where we'll spend the rest of the night. I stand on my tiptoes in order to see the top of Bee’s head as we walk. She’s laughing at something Brad said.

  Smirking, I look down at the heels she made me wear. Normally, heels cripple me, but these aren’t even stinging yet. I stand still for a moment and stomp on the ground. I laugh loudly.

  Fin stops next to me, frowning down at me. “What are you doing?”

  “I think my feet are numb.” I stomp again.

  He laughs. “I think that might be the alcohol.” He tightens his grip on my hand and pulls me forward to join the queue to get into the club.

  “Aren’t you drunk, Finnley?” I ask.

  He smiles, turning to look at me. “No. A little merry maybe. It takes more than a few pints to get me drunk.”

  I instantly see that as a challenge as he shuffles me down the queue a little more, still holding onto my hand. Cole and Jay stand right in front of us. I try and listen to what they are discussing. It sounds like Cole is hell-bent on getting laid tonight. I hope he doesn’t plan on doing it in the B&B. I almost tell him that, but Fin moves me closer to the door, distracting me.

  When I hear loud music pouring onto the street, I start to bend my knees to the beat.

  “We should dance,” I excitedly tell Fin.

  “You don’t dance, Alex.”

  That is very true, but I am not me tonight, am I? I am Bailey tonight, and Bailey loves to dance.

  “I do tonight,” I say, still bopping.

  The entrance of the club is dark, then we walk into the main room. It’s loud and warm, bodies pressed against each other on the dance floor, lights flashing all around.

  Brad turns to Fin. “You want a drink?” he shouts.

  “No, thanks.”

  Brad turns and looks at me, eyebrows raised. I smile and nod. Before he can walk off, Fin grabs his arm and says something in his ear.

  “Come with me!” Bee says, starting to drag me to the dance floor. I know this song, I actually want to dance. I’m feeling rather merry, thanks to the alcohol, and my feet are too numb to the tortures of heels.

  The dance floor is packed, but Bee manages to find a little wiggle room for us. She wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes me to her. She’s drunk… If she is Bailey and she is drunk…and tonight I am Bailey….

  Wait, am I drunk, too? I close my eyes, the room starts to spin. I think I might be.

  “So, how are you doing?” Bee yells into my ear. She’s too close and really doesn’t need to shout quite that loudly, so I pull my head back a little.

  “Great,” I holler back.

  She lets go of me as we dance. She whirls me, making me laugh. I try to look for Fin, but the room is spinning. He'll find me. He usually does.

  There are bodies everywhere. Sweaty bodies, male bodies, female bodies. Bare shoulders, bare backs, bare legs. Every one of them is moving in time to the new song…

  Wait. New song? How long have we been dancing? I think I feel sick. Where's Fin?

  “Bee!” I grab her arm and pull her to me. “Where’s Fin?” I shout. She shrugs, still dancing. “I’m going to go find him.” She nods and carries on dancing.

  Fuck, I have no clue which direction we came from.

  I stumble and push through sweaty, drunk bodies, reaching a black wall. Blowing out a breath, I lean on the wall for a moment to think.

  The wall!

  If I follow the wall, I’ll find the door we came through, then see the bar. I place my hands on the wall and walk them along it.

  My plan has worked well…until now. There's a group of guys leaning against my wall. All of them walk off, except one guy holding a beer. He looks right at me. He looks familiar.

  “Hey!” He smiles and wraps his arms around me. I hug him back, but I have no clue who he is.

  “Hey…” I frown. I know him and he knows me, but I don’t know from where.

  He pulls back. “The pub the other night?” He watches my face, waiting.

  Oh, the guy who asked for my number! I look up at his face. Yes, I remember his green eyes now.

>   “Listen, we’re going somewhere else. Come with us,” he says. I see his friends already walking out the door.

  The door! I found the door!

  “I...” I shake my head and search for Fin.

  “Come on. We’ll have a laugh.” He grabs my wrist and starts pulling me along.

  “No, I can’t…” I stumble forward and try and pull away from him, but he tightens his grip. I feel so weak and lightheaded. I want to find Fin. I need to find Fin.

  “Wait!” I shout, but he doesn’t stop walking.

  I look around, seeing we’re outside. How did we get out here so quickly? My head’s spinning and my heart’s pounding. No one has any clue where I am. Why hasn’t he let go yet?

  “Come on.” The guy pulls on my wrist again, hurting me.

  “I can’t… I don’t want to.” I try to stop. He pulls on my wrist again, but I put all my weight behind pulling back. He turns to look at me.

  “I said come on!” he snaps, his expression angry. Then he smiles and tries to laugh it off. “We’re losing them. We need to hurry.” He pulls on me again.

  “No!” I shake my head, making the spinning worse. I stumble forward a couple steps.

  “Move!” he snaps.

  “I believe the lady said no,” I hear from behind me, my eyes filling with tears of relief.

  “This has nothing to do with you, so back off!” the guy snaps at Fin, his hand still gripping my wrist.

  Fin walks up to us, he doesn’t look at me, he’s staring at the guy who is still holding my wrist. Fin looks totally calm. Calmer than I am right now.

  His hands are in his pockets as he looks up at the guy. “Let her go.”

  “Who the fuck do you think you are? I said back off!”

  In one quick motion, Fin’s fist collides with the guy’s face, forcing him to let go of me and hold his now bleeding lip. I let out a shocked squeal, putting my hand to my chest.

  Fin turns to me, his eyes so dark that they look black. I see the anger behind them slowly start to fade. He looks into my eyes, then gently takes my wrist to inspect it, rubbing his thumb over it. I wince a little. I can’t speak yet. Something about seeing Fin punch that guy in the face has sobered me up. I think I'm in shock.

  The guy inspects the blood on his hand and slowly starts to move away from us. “What’s your fucking problem, man?!” he yells, then quickly scurries off after his friends.

  “What the fuck, Fin? Are you crazy?” I hear Cole snap.

  I look around. I hadn't realised we were only a few feet from the main entrance of the club. I see Bailey, Brad, and Jay standing by the door. It felt like he'd dragged me down the street for miles. Maybe that was because I was scared, or drunk…or both.

  Cole tries to pull Fin by the shoulder. He shrugs him off and turns, glaring. I pull on Fin’s arm to bring his attention back to me. I touch his cheek softly, seeing the anger leave his eyes, replaced by pain.

  “Come on,” I say softly, sliding my hand into his, leading him away from the club.

  “Where the fuck are you going?” Cole shouts. We both ignore him.

  “Let me know when you get home,” Bee yells.

  I nod as I pull Fin farther away.

  I lead him across the road to where its quieter, less people. We walk in silence as we head in the direction of The Driftwood.

  “Are you okay?” he finally whispers.

  I nod. “I think so.” I look down at our joined hands. “How did you find me?”

  “I never lost you, Alex. I was watching you the whole time. I just couldn’t get to you as quickly as I wanted when I saw that twat pulling you out of the club.”

  “I was so scared, Fin. I couldn’t get him to stop and nobody knew where I was.”

  He looks at me. “I’d never let anything happen to you.” He squeezes my hand, making me believe him.

  We continue walking along the seafront. The wind has messed up Fin's hair and straightened my curls. It’s dark, the only light coming from the lamps dotted here and there along the coastline. I shiver slightly.

  “Here.” Fin stops walking and shrugs off his leather jacket, placing it around my shoulders. I look up at him and smile. He gives me a sweet smile back. I take hold of his right hand and inspect his bruised, raw knuckles.

  “Are you okay?” I ask.

  “I guess,” he says, watching me the whole time.

  “You'll get cold without your jacket.”

  He grasps my hand again and we start walking. “I’m actually quite warm. I guess adrenaline raises your body temperature.” He tries to smile.

  “You don’t punch people often then?”

  He smirks, shaking his head. “No, definitely not. I’ve only ever punched one other person and that was Cole.”

  I stop walking, I’m in shock. “Cole?!”

  He tugs on my hand, making me move again. I knew they weren't as close as the other guys, but I never would have imagined he would have ever punched Cole.

  “Did he punch you back?” I wonder.

  He shakes his head. “No, because he knew I was right.”

  I nod. It’s weird how sober I feel after seeing Fin stand up for me like he did.

  Fin sighs. He lets go of my hand and walks over to a bench, falling onto it heavily.

  “Alex, I am such a fuck-up.” He runs a hand over his face. When he finally looks at me again, his eyes are filled with pain.

  “No, you’re not.”

  He shakes his head. “I feel so lost.”

  I sit down next to him. “Is this about your job?”

  “No. It’s about everything.” He sniggers. “I’m such a fuck-up, even my own parents didn’t want me.”

  Eyes wide, I stare at him. His eyes look heavy. Have they always looked that way? I know he was adopted, but that didn’t mean his parents didn’t want him. Babies are put up for adoption for many reasons.

  “Fin, you can’t think like that.”

  He shakes his head. “When I was twelve, the people I knew as my parents told me I was adopted.” He turns to look at me. I’m shocked by the emotion swimming in his eyes. “I asked them about my birth parents, but they couldn’t tell me much. I wanted to know them. I wanted them to know me. I had so many questions.”

  He turns to look out into the darkness, as if remembering. I wish I could say something, but I can’t. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. I’m scared if I do speak, he’ll stop sharing his past with me. This is the most he’s told me since I met him. I don’t want to ruin that.

  “On my fourteenth birthday, my mom and dad sat me down and said if I waited until I was eighteen and still wanted to find them, they would help me.”

  I nod, watching the side of his face. He bites his lip before continuing.

  “I think they hoped I would grow out of it by then, but I didn’t. I never stopped wanting to know them.”

  He sighs. “We lived in Suffolk then. I started the search for my birth parents and, true to their word, my parents helped. I’m sure it killed them to think the child they raised wanted to get to know the parents who gave him up, but they helped anyway. I think I was nineteen when I found out they lived in a town called Cowley in Oxford.”

  I gasp. His eyes tear away from the sea to look at me. I’m afraid my gasp will stop him from sharing with me, but I couldn’t help it. He moved to Cowley to be near his birth parents.

  “You have to understand, Alex. I didn’t see the pain I was causing my adoptive parents at the time. We had so many fights over this, but I still didn’t care. After everything they did for me, after all their help… One night, we had a huge fight and that was it. I decided the best thing to do was just leave. I packed up everything I owned and moved to Cowley. That’s when Brad took me in and got me my job.”

  I grasp his hand, squeezing it tightly. “What happened in Cowley, Fin?”

  “I found their address. It took me a month or so after I moved there to get it, then weeks to pluck up the courage to go knock on their door.” />
  He shakes his head. I feel so much anger and pain in that one simple movement.

  “I had this picture in my head that they would be so happy to see me, like I was to finally see them.”

  He looks at my hand in his. The pain in his expression makes my heart ache. I watch the tears form. I squeeze his hand tighter.

  “Turns out, they really didn't want to see me. In fact, they got so angry, they yelled that I never should have come there before slamming the door.” His voice cracks, as does my heart.

  He turns to face me. “One of the only memories I have of my birth parents is them shouting and slamming a door in my face.”

  I feel a tear slide down my face. I quickly move to wipe it away. I don’t want him to see me upset by his past. I want to be strong for him, but I can’t help it. Getting to know Fin this past week, I don’t know how anyone could turn him away, especially his parents.

  “Fin….,” I whisper and reach out to touch his cheek. I turn his head to face me and rest my forehead on his, then touch his lips with mine. He kisses me back with urgency. I groan at the forcefulness. I feel his hands slide under his leather jacket I’m still wearing and take hold of my waist. Right now, I know this is the only thing I can do to get rid of that pain behind his eyes. Use our connection, my lips...my body. He tightens his grip on my waist, his lips still fiercely moving on mine, and lifts me onto his lap so I’m straddling him. I grasp his hair. His hands dig into my waist as he pulls me closer, my knees pushing into the wood of the bench. It’s painful, but I like it. His hands slowly slide down my body until I feel his warmth on my bare thigh, sending a hot shiver right through me.

  I feel his hands slide up my dress, pushing up the fabric. I can’t breathe! I push my lips into his as his tongue begins to roughly explore my mouth, his breath coming in short bursts as I feel his fingers hook into the waistband of my underwear.

  Holy shit! I’m going to have sex with Fin on a bench!

  I feel my heart beat throughout my entire body as he slowly starts to pull on my underwear. If having sex with him right here on this bench will take away even an ounce of that pain I just saw in his eyes, I’ll definitely do it, rules or no rules.