sometimes following you dreams means breaking your heart

by Claire Gough

  He suddenly pulls away, his hands quickly leaving my skin, grasping my waist again. “Fuck! Emergency stop! Emergency stop!” He swallows hard, breathless. “Shit, Alex. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He doesn’t even look at me. His head falls onto my chest.

  Blowing out a shaky breath, I grab his face and make him look at me. “Please, don’t be.”

  I place my lips back on his again, letting him know he hasn’t done anything wrong, that I’m okay with breaking my rule for him. He returns my kiss briefly before pulling away again, shaking his head.

  “But you’re drunk, and I—”

  “I’m not drunk.” And I mean it. As soon as his fist collided with that prick’s face, I quickly sobered up.

  “That’s not the point.” He closes his eyes, shaking his head. “We have rules for a reason, Alex, and I’ll be damned if we break that particular rule on a bench. Not tonight, not like this.” He wraps his arms around my waist, resting his head on my chest again. I place my arms around his neck. We stay like that for what feels like hours.

  I'm still wearing Fin's jacket, which smells just like him—a mixture of worn leather and aftershave. I never want to give it back, but I don’t think he’d truly be Fin without it.

  We haven’t spoken since our ordeal on the bench. I still have so many questions, but if asking them means I’d see the pain in his eyes again, I’d rather not.

  We reach The Driftwood. Instead of walking through the gate, Fin leans up against the wall next to it. He places his hands on my hips, pulling me closer.

  “Are you okay?” he asks. After everything, I can’t believe he just asked if I’m okay. I nod as he rubs my back.

  “Are you?” I ask, reaching out to gently touch his cheek.

  He smiles softly, taking my hand and holding it. “I’m worried I just overloaded you with all my shit.”

  “No, you didn’t. I’m glad you’re comfortable enough with me to tell me.” I try to keep my voice steady. I can still see the image of him on the bench. The pain in his eyes, like he was about to lose it, like he was barely holding it together, makes me want to hold him until all the cracks are sealed again.

  “It’s only fair, right? You told me about your painful past.” He tries to give me a light-hearted laugh, but fails. He shakes his head. “Thank you, Alex.” He pulls me closer. I rest my hands on his chest, looking into his dark eyes. “ for listening to all that, for just being there for me.”

  I shake my head. He takes my chin between his finger and thumb, making me look into his eyes.

  “I didn’t do anything,” I whisper.

  “That’s a lie, and you know it.” He stares at me for a long moment, then releases my chin. “Anyway…” His voice is a little lighter. “I’m guessing you have questions.”

  I bite my lip and look at him. I do, but I won’t ask them. I won’t make him talk about it.

  “Look, Fin, I don’t—”

  He holds up a hand. “Alex, it’s okay. Might as well get it all out there, right? Like ripping off an emotional plaster. Do it quickly, get it over with.”

  I watch his face. I have so many question, but they aren’t important. I just have one on the tip of my tongue.

  “Come on, Alex. I can tell you have questions.”

  “One.” I keep my eyes on his to make sure he’s still okay with this.

  He smiles. “Okay.” He folds his arms across his chest, like he’s preparing himself.

  I tilt my head. “You punched Cole?”

  He blows out a breath and looks at the ground. He nods, sliding his hands into mine and looking at me.

  “I wasn’t lying. It really is a long story.” He lets out a huge sigh. “Turns out, my parents got rid of me because I was a boy.” He shrugs, like it’s no big deal. I frown. He must have that wrong. That can’t be right. “I have a sister, Alex.” His dark eyes watch mine as he waits for everything to sink in. “Not too long after giving me up, they had Lisa. She’s just a year younger. They got rid of me and kept her.”

  The hurt in his voice pains me. No one would do that, would they? Give up their child because he’s not the sex they wanted?

  “No. That can’t be right.” I shake my head, refusing to believe it.

  He nods, squeezing my hands. “It took some more digging to find out who she was. By then, unfortunately, Cole had already started dating her.”

  I feel sick. I hate this whole situation he had to go through. It’s hard to listen to.

  “Things between them weren’t serious yet. We'd formed the band around six months before that, and I'd just written my first song. I couldn’t deal with her being so close—at practices, gigs. I certainly couldn’t handle the thought of her and Cole together. One day, I respectfully asked Cole to stop seeing her.

  “The guys pretty much know my past, so they all knew how finding Lisa knocked me sideways.

  “Anyway, Cole did split up with Lisa like I asked him to, but he slept with her first. I overheard him telling Jay.”

  I frown, all respect I had for Cole disappearing. “Why?”

  “When I confronted him about it, he said he’d been drinking, couldn’t control himself… Some bullshit like that. So I punched him square in the jaw. He knew he deserved it.”

  “He definitely did! Jesus, Fin.”

  “We’re okay now, I guess, but as you know, we still have our issues. Now you know why.”

  “Fin, I am so sorry,” I whisper.

  He shakes his head and pulls me into his chest. I close my eyes and listen to his heart. “Don’t be. It’s all in the past now.” He rests his chin on my head, holding me. It might be his past, but it’s something he lives with every single day. I relax in his arms and think about everything. We have both lost our parents, but I don’t know whose pain would be worse—mine or his. His lyrics play over in my head and start to make sense.

  His tattoo!

  I step back from him and grasp his left arm, holding it out in order to read the script on his forearm once more.

  “Yeah, it’s about them,” he says before I even ask. I run my fingers over the words once more. They hold more sadness than I first realised. “I was twenty-one.” I watch the goosebumps break out across his skin.

  “You’re cold.” I pull my hand back and look up into his face.

  He smiles gently. “No, I’m not, Alex.” He keeps his eyes on mine. Oh, it me causing that reaction? Wow.

  “Come on.”

  He takes my hand and leads me up to the door, using his key to

  unlock it. Although his hand in mine feels more like home than the walls of The Driftwood ever did. He walks in and starts up the stairs, my hand still in his.

  I stop on the bottom step, looking up at him as he pulls on my hand.

  “Fin…,” I say, pulling my hand out of his.

  He pauses and turns to look at me. Him in that outfit and the gold colour starting to filter back into his eyes almost make me forget what I’m about to say… Almost.

  “I’ve already had one guy try to take advantage of my drunken state tonight,” I joke.

  He takes a step back down and looks at me. “Alex, if anything were going to happen between us, do you really think I’d want it to happen when you’ve been drinking?” He smiles, making my insides melt. “I’d want you to remember every single second of it.”

  Oh, my god!

  I'm pretty sure my jaw just fell open. That grin and the sexy smell of his aftershave… It’s all too much. He holds his hand out again for me to take.

  “After everything we've talked about tonight, I just don’t fancy being left alone with my thoughts right now. That’s all.”

  His smile drops a little. Whether he's telling the truth or it is just a huge plan to get me into his bed, I don’t care. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to be on my own, either. I slide my hand into his and let him lead me up to his room.

  Once there, Fin throws his keys onto the bedside table and rubs his hand over the back of his neck. I slide out of
his jacket and hang it on the back of the chair.

  I have a momentary feeling of awkwardness.

  “Do you want a coffee or anything?” he asks, pointing to the kettle and the tea and coffee tray I refill each morning.

  “I'll get it.”

  I move over to the kettle. It’s already full, so I just switch it on. Fin sits on the bed and rests his head against the headboard, watching me. Once it’s ready, I pour us both a coffee and set them on his bedside table. His hand grasps mine and pulls me to him. I tuck myself between his legs again. This time, I’m sitting sideways, trying to keep my dignity in this dress. I'd love to go and change, but I don’t want to leave him. He still looks so vulnerable. He wraps his arms around me, and I lean my head on his chest.

  “Thank you, Alex.”

  I lift my head to look at him. “For what?”

  “For listening, for coming up here with me. You didn’t have to trust me.”

  I shrug. “I guess not…but I do.”

  He smiles softly, his lips gently touching mine. I shift my body in order to have full access to those gorgeous lips. I rest my hands on his chest, feeling his heart speed up.

  I quickly pull away, my eyes searching his face. When he smiles, I feel my stomach and heart flip, realising I’ve fallen for Fin. It seems he’s fallen for me, too. I lean forward to kiss him again, but he pulls away before I can.

  “Emergency stop,” he says softly. “I said I wouldn’t do anything when you’ve been drinking, and I meant it.” He runs his hand through my hair. “So, in order to make sure that doesn’t happen, I’m calling a halt before this goes somewhere it shouldn’t.”

  “Like I would break my own rule, Finnley,” I scoff and rest my head back on his chest, his arms tightening around me.

  “Hey, Alex?” His voice is barely a whisper.

  “Yes?” I ask sleepily, feeling cosy in his arms.

  “Would you have stopped me tonight? Back on the bench, I mean.”

  I lift my head and look him in the eyes, prepared to have one of the most uncomfortable moments with a guy ever.

  “I… I saw how much pain you were in.” I shrug.

  He narrows his eyes. “So?”

  “To stop you from being in that kind of pain... No, Finnley. I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

  He pulls me to him and squeezes me tightly.

  “You know where.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut when I hear the strained voice. I keep still, trying to remember where I am.

  Fin… I am with Fin.

  I open one eye, then shut it again. I guess I fell asleep in Fin’s room.

  “Of course... Yes, she's with me... Yes, she’s safe. I’ll text Brad so he can tell her.”

  Fin must be on the phone.

  “Yes, I can blame you, Cole,” he whispers through gritted teeth. “If you would have just told her or me, she wouldn’t have gotten blind drunk in the first place.”

  I open an eye again to see Fin standing at the window, his back to me. He's trying to keep his voice low, but he's getting angry. When he turns back around, I quickly close my eye.

  “Don’t play dumb. You already know... Yes, Cole, I care about her, but you already knew that. That’s why you kept this from us.”

  He just admitted he cares about me? I want to run over to him and kiss him all over because I care about him, too.

  “Yeah, you’re right. I planned all of this. Do you know how stupid you sound right now? Go back to drinking your weight in lager, Cole. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I hear his phone bounce on Brad’s bed. I flinch at the sound.

  “Alex?” I try to act like I’m still sleeping. “I know you’re awake. I’m just wondering how long you’ve been awake.”

  I feel him sit on the bed, placing a hand on my leg. The warmth makes my heart speed up, but I keep my eyes closed.

  “I’ve been awake long enough to hear you say you care about me.” I open my eyes, seeing him smiling at me.

  “I do…but you already knew that.”

  He’s right. I had guessed; otherwise, he wouldn’t have shared his past with me.

  “Did you hear anything else?” he asks as I scoot up and sit against the headboard, my legs flat on the bed to keep my dress down.

  “Bits. It didn’t make sense without hearing Cole’s side of things.”

  He nods. “We have a gig Monday night. We’re here until Tuesday morning, at least. Cole made sure it was okay with your aunt this afternoon.”

  I squeal softly and lunge at him to sit on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. He laughs as I squeeze him to me, enveloping me in his arms.

  “God, it’s nice to know you don’t want me to leave as much as I don’t want to leave,” he says into my shoulder, still laughing.

  “Of course I don’t want you to leave, Fin.” I lift his head and capture his lips with mine. I am so happy, I feel like crying right now.

  He suddenly flops back onto the bed. I laugh as I fall with him. We're quiet for a long moment. The smile slowly fades from his lips.

  “So, if you want to go back to your room, I’ll completely understand.”

  I roll off him and prop myself up on my elbow as he sits up, looking at me for a long moment before he stands.

  “I’m not leaving you, not after what you said about leaving you alone with your thoughts. I know all too well what that feels like.”

  He smiles. “You’re planning on staying the night with me?”

  “As long as you can control yourself.”

  “Do I really need to remind you, Miss Duke, that I wouldn’t ever do anything while you’ve been drinking?”

  I’m still not sure if I believe that line, but I also know I’m not leaving him.

  He walks across the room to the dresser near the door and pulls out a plain green t-shirt. I'm pretty sure it’s what he wore to the gig last night. He holds it up against his body, judging the length, then throws it next to me on the bed. I look at it, then back at him.

  “Well, you can either go grab your little shorts and vest top, or you can sleep in this.”

  I already know I’m going to go for the t-shirt because I know it will smell like him. I grab it and swing my legs off the bed.

  He picks up a t-shirt off the floor, placing it at the foot of the bed. When he starts undoing his shirt, I gulp. Shit, he's changing right in front of me? I know I don’t have the willpower to look away politely like I should, so I stand to go into the bathroom. As soon as I do, he slides out of the shirt.

  Fuck!

  I know I am staring, but I can’t help it. I’m probably drooling a little, too. His body has always felt amazing every single time he has pulled me against him, but seeing it in the flesh… Holy shit. I need to get out of the room. It just got so warm in here! He notices me staring and, smirking, slides the t-shirt over his head.

  “Jesus, Finnley…”

  I walk into the bathroom. I hear him laugh as I shut the door.

  I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I have no makeup remover, so I guess I’m sleeping with makeup on. I slide out of the little white dress and slip Fin’s t-shirt over my head. I move my hair out the way and look at myself in the mirror again. His t-shirt comes to roughly where my little shorts would, but I still feel a little exposed. Getting changed only took seconds, but I’m stalling to give Fin enough time to get dressed. I can’t walk back out there if he’s not. I don’t know if my heart can take that. Images of him topless suddenly flood my mind. I’m definitely committing that one to memory.

  Finally feeling brave enough to leave the safety of the bathroom, I slowly open the door and peer around it. Fin is in bed, leaning against the headboard, wearing a white t-shirt and God knows what under those sheets. He has his phone in his hand.

  “That was Brad. He told me to tell you Bailey got home okay.” He smiles, putting his phone down, then looks at me. “Wow.” He blinks a few times and puts his hands behind his head.

  “So he won’t be comi
ng back then?” I ask, trying to avoid his stare as I walk to the bed. This should be fun. The two of us in a single bed.

  “Nope. You’re safe. By the way, that shirt looks so much better on you than it does on me.”

  He pulls back the covers for me. I tug down the bottom of the t-shirt a few times before I slide in beside him. He scoots down and moves over as much as he can. This should feel weird and uncomfortable, we’ve only known each other a week, but it doesn’t. It feels…

  Oh… Boxers.

  I feel them as I wrap my leg around his. I rest my head on his chest as his arm slides around me and holds me to him.

  “What time is it?” I whisper.

  “2:45,” he whispers back. “Are you okay like this?”

  “Yeah, I am.” I trace invisible patterns on his chest. “Are you?” I look up at him.

  He smiles. “Yeah, I’m all good.”

  He leans over to the light switch between the two beds and flips it off, filling the room with darkness.

  “Good night, Alexis.” He kisses my forehead.

  “Good night, Finnley.”

  It’s cold… Why is it cold? I pull the covers around my neck and roll over. My eyes fly open.

  Whoa, shit!

  I grip onto the edge of the bed, stopping me from rolling off.

  I inspect my surroundings. I’m not in my double bed… Why am I not in my double bed?

  I sit up and look around, the sun beaming through the window. I don’t get sunlight in my bedroom. That’s one thing I miss about living in my little dungeon.

  I smile as I remember lying in Fin's arms until I fell asleep, my head resting on his chest. I look around again and realise I’m missing one fundamental thing in Fin’s room... Fin.

  Why am I alone? I hope and pray Brad hasn’t been back. Explaining why I’m in here would be a hard task.

  I throw the covers off and stand, looking down at the green shirt I’m wearing. A huge grin crosses my lips. Fin is never getting this shirt back. I start searching for my phone, seeing it on the floor near the dresser. I frown.

  It’s resting on top of a neat pile of what looks like my clothes, but not the ones I wore last night. Okay, how did they get here? I bend down and look at them. Did Fin do this? If so, how? However he did it, I am grateful.