by Kip Nelson
“I know you're right. Maybe I'm just worried about Anna. I know she can take care of herself. Still, after being apart for so long and having found each other again, it's troublesome to think that something could happen.”
“I'm sure they'll all be good. How's Tristan, by the way?”
Maggie shrugged. “He's about as well as can be expected. Doesn't really talk to me much, although I'm not sure if that's just due to him being a teenager, or if there's something else going on. I don't know, it feels like I have to learn to be a mom all over again. But he seems to have repaired things with Sharon, which is good, I guess.”
“Yeah, grudges weren't good in the old world, and they're not good here. So, how is it, having a child in this world?”
Maggie gave a coy smile. “Anna told me you two were having this conversation. It's different in my case, though. Tristan was already grown up. But look around you, if you're going to wait for the perfect time to have a kid, you're going to be waiting your whole lives.”
Mack was delighted that Anna had been talking to Maggie about it as he hoped that would make his wife come around to the idea. “That's what I think, but Anna doesn't seem so convinced.”
“Give her time. If the two of you wanted kids before the end of the world, you'll still want kids now. It's just that there are different things to worry about.”
They spoke for a little while longer before eventually Maggie returned home to relax for a little while as best she could. She enjoyed talking with Mack, and was glad that he had found Anna. She hoped that if the two of them did have a child, it would not have to go through as much as her own son had. All she wanted to do was protect Tristan, and she felt awful that he had been through so much. She wished she just could wrap him up in her arms and protect him from the rest of the world, but she knew that was impossible.
She returned to their apartment hoping to spend some time together. Although when she arrived, she found Tristan and Sharon huddled over something, and when Maggie asked to see what it was the two teenagers would not tell her. It made her suspicious. Still, after everything the two of them had been through she was inclined to let them have their little secret if it brought them closer together. As much as she had her issues with Sharon for how she betrayed her son and New Haven, she knew that they needed each other.
Chapter Fourteen
Maggie poked her head into the room. Sharon and Tristan smiled at her, but it was clear they were hiding something. Her motherly instincts wanted to burst in there and tell him that he had no secrets from her, but she knew that wouldn't do any good. Sometimes it was difficult to juggle the two sides of her. There was the nurturing side that wanted to protect Tristan, then there was the cop side that wanted to get to the truth no matter what. Although she didn't entirely trust Sharon, the girl hadn't done anything recently to cause anyone to be suspicious of her. She also had been through her own trauma, what with her mother having killed Peter. Sharon had tried taking the blame for that, and that had endeared her to Maggie in some ways. Also, she knew Tristan and Sharon needed each other. There weren't too many kids of the same age, most of them were younger, and the next eldest were Grace and Luis. Yet, the two of them had been through enough to make them seem more mature. Tristan and Sharon were in that awkward teen phase where they were too old to be kids, yet too young to be adults. Ordinarily, that wouldn't have been a problem. But with the small population in New Haven, they didn't have a big group their age to mingle with. So it was that they were spending more time together, and Maggie ducked out of the room to give them some space.
She still was learning how to be a good mother. She hadn't done a good job of it when Tristan was younger, and it was hard to tell if she was doing a good job now, since there were other factors to consider. After what had happened with the sailors, she didn't want to let Tristan out of her sight, but she knew that wouldn't be any good for either of them. So, she had to take a deep breath and give him the space he needed, trying to remember he was his own person and wasn't always going to be her little boy. If he was going to make it in this world, then there was an element of sink or swim to it. Although she hoped he would have a break from all the horrors he'd witnessed, because he had been through so much already.
Maggie busied herself by reading and tidying up the apartment, until there was movement from the room. The two teenagers emerged.
“I'm going to walk Sharon home,” he said.
Maggie nodded and told him not to take too long. Sharon cast her eyes away. Evidently, she still was ashamed and wary of Tristan's mom, which Maggie thought was a good sign. A little fear went a long way; a lesson she had learned from her time as a police officer. At that point, Maggie wasn't sure if Tristan and Sharon were romantically involved, or if they were just friends. Concerned, she wanted to make sure her son was safe. So, as soon as the youngsters left, Maggie slipped into his room to see if she could spot what they had been hiding from her. It was perhaps not the right thing to do, but Maggie thought it was the responsible thing to do. Although Tristan probably wouldn't understand, she was only doing it to protect him.
Whatever Tristan and Sharon had been hiding wasn't immediately obvious, and for a moment Maggie worried he had taken it with him. She didn't want to upturn the entire room in search of something, although given the state of it, she didn't think Tristan would notice. Then, after another quick scan, she found it poking out of a book. She opened it up and unfolded the piece of paper, seeing her son's handwriting. The title of the list alarmed her, for it said, 'Reasons to Live.’ As Maggie's gaze descended the list, she found it short. Her throat dried and tears began welling in her eyes. At first, she felt anger and frustration, then sadness and shame, for she felt as though she had failed as a mother. Her fingers were white from gripping the list so tightly, and she knew she couldn't simply put it back and ignore it. She thought about going to Mack for objective advice, but then thought better of it. This was something between her and her son, and she was going to need to find a way to be a good mother to take care of him.
She went back into the front room and placed the list down on the table, waiting for Tristan to return. So many thoughts went through her mind, and she ended up almost tearing her hair out. She'd been on a few suicide calls over the years when she had been on the job, and there was almost always one constant phrase said by those closest to the victim; 'I never even suspected a thing'. Things were tough for Tristan, she knew that, but this just showed how distant she was from him. She had hoped that after she found him and took him back from the Lost Children the two of them would grow closer and make up for all the lost years. Yet, somehow, the opposite had happened. Tristan had withdrawn into himself, and while they shared the same apartment, they didn't talk properly like Maggie wanted. She gave Tristan his space, but now she was thinking that she made a mistake.
The wait was interminable, but eventually he did return, and when he saw his mother sitting there, in front of the list, he staggered back. Maggie looked up at him, but before she could say a word he exploded in rage at her.
“You shouldn't have gone into my room! That's private! That's between me and Sharon! And if I'd have wanted to show you, then I would have shown you! Aren't I allowed any secrets at all? Aren't I allowed my own life? You don't have to be a cop in your own home!” he yelled.
Maggie stayed silent through it all, letting him have his outburst. Tristan was too caught up in his own anger to see the sadness welling up in her eyes, but when she rose he did stop speaking, fearing he would be on the end of a tongue-lashing. Instead, Maggie walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his, holding him tightly, eventually sobbing. It was a shock to see his mother, who was usually as hard as granite, showing so much raw emotion, and it soothed his anger. She took his hand and led him to the couch. When she spoke it was soft and cracked with emotion.
“I'm sorry for going into your room, but I've been worried that I've not been a good mother, and that there's been some distance between us. I do
n't want to make the same mistakes as I made all those years ago. I want to be a good mother, and for you to be able to come to me with your problems. I don't want you to be afraid of expressing your feelings. Please, can we have an honest conversation about this, because I'm your mother. I love you, and I want to help.”
She looked at him with her liquid eyes, and while at first Tristan wanted to pull away, he felt the love she had for him, felt its warmth and its comfort and he couldn't shy away from her. She had given him life, and he owed her the truth. So, he summoned all the strength he could muster, and in a slow, deep voice, he talked about his feelings, the whole chaotic mess of them, trying to put them in some kind of order or sense.
“When I was younger, I always thought that life had some kind of order to it, which was in part because of you. I knew that your job was to help the good guys and stop the bad guys. But now everything has changed. People can do bad things, and it doesn't matter. Sharon can do bad things, and I still...I still love her,” he said, admitting that to his mother for the first time, “and didn't think I could. I almost feel guilty for loving her, but I can't do anything else. I just...I just feel it, and it's so confusing. And the sailors. They can...they can eat people, and just be allowed to go free. There's so much sadness and destruction in the world, I just don't know how to live with it. There are so many people out there who want to hurt each other, and I don't know if I can live in that type of world. I don't know that I'm cut out for it.”
“Okay,” Maggie said, placing a hand on her son's arm. He was shuddering, and now he was crying too, which made it harder for her to remain composed.
“I understand how you can feel like the world is too complicated to understand, but unfortunately, that's what life is like. There are other punishments than being locked up, though. Those sailors are going to have to live with what they did, and they're going to have to face that every day. But I think that, in a way, you're punishing yourself as well, for what you did with the Lost Children.”
“I did so many bad things, Mom,” he said, crying. She opened her arms and took him in a warm embrace, holding his head to her shoulder, making comforting sounds as she tried soothing him.
“I know. I know, honey, but we all make mistakes, and we have to try forgiving ourselves because that's the only way we're going to be able to live. You know you can love Sharon despite what she did, and I love you unconditionally. You've been through so much, but you're still my son, and you still know right from wrong. I know that when the world around you is so chaotic, it's hard to figure out what you should do, but you've always had a good heart, and I know that if you look deep inside yourself you'll understand. I wish I could explain it better, or that I could make the world easier, but I can't. I hate that I can't, and I hate that I'm not a better mom to you. God, sometimes I wish that it was your dad that had made it through this instead of me. He was always so much better at this.”
“I miss him,” Tristan said.
“I do, too.”
“Really?” Tristan said, drawing back and sniffing.
“Of course. Just because your father and I got divorced doesn't mean that we stopped loving each other. It was just...it was just life, you know. I wasn't a good influence on you or him, and it wasn't a happy household. But I'm glad that you got to spend time with him, and I'm glad that he kept you safe and was with you when the world first went to hell. Because look,” she said, and took his hand tightly in hers, “we're in this together. Me and you. We're family, and that's a hell of a reason to live. You can look around you and see that the world is this big old mess, but look closer to home, and you'll see people who love you and care for you and want you in this world, starting with me.
“The only thing that kept me going in the early days was the thought of finding you and your father. That gave me a purpose, a mission, which is something I sorely needed. It was a long road, and I suffered a lot. I lost a hell of a lot of other people I cared about, but I knew that if I found you, then somehow it all would be worth it. It all would make sense. I haven't spoken much about that period with you because there was a lot of bad stuff that happened, but it led me back to you. I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much as I should. I promised myself that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes again. So, I'm going to resign as sheriff, and we can be a proper family. Just please, please, give it a chance to work, Tristan. I don't want to lose you,” and at this she burst into tears again.
At first, Tristan smiled and was overjoyed that his mother would make such a sacrifice for him, but the more he thought about it, the more he wasn't convinced. “Mom, I can't let you do that. Being a sheriff is what you're good at. It's what you're meant to do, and I know people around here feel safer knowing you look after them. I don't want to get in the way of that. And you're not a bad mom. You're amazing. You searched through remnants of the end of the world to find me! You've done so much for me, and I love you, I really do. I'm sorry for this list. It wasn't...it wasn't anything serious. We were just talking about it, and we decided to write it. I'm just...it feels like I don't know what's going on. I don't know where my place is, or what I'm supposed to do. I just feel a bit lost...”
“Believe me,” Maggie said, wiping her eyes as well as those of her son, “that's a sign that you're becoming an adult. When you're young, you look at older people and think they all have it figured out, but the truth is we're all still finding our way, and we all still make mistakes. It'll all be okay, though. We all muddle through somehow.”
“Yeah, we do,” Tristan said, and they smiled and gave each other a long, tight hug.
Both of them were glad to have resolved their issues, and they felt better for it. It was the longest hug they had shared since they had been reunited, and eventually Tristan managed to break free of his mother's grip. They chuckled a little as they breathed deeply, trying to recover from the outpouring of emotion.
“Now then,” Maggie said, with a twinkle in her eyes, “you wanna tell me what's going on with Sharon?” The color drained from Tristan's face as he swallowed hard, almost wishing they would return to the previous subject of conversation. In the end, he told his mom how he loved Sharon, although he wasn't sure what was going to happen.
“That's the exciting thing about being in love,” Maggie said, and was glad that her son had some usual teenage problems instead of being kidnapped by angry sailors.
Chapter Fifteen
It was getting late in the evening, and most people in New Haven were winding down for slumber. Life was hard in New Haven, and everyone gave it their all every day. With the nights becoming dark early, and the chill settling in along with it, people were eager to slip into bed and warm themselves up, letting their dreams take them away. A few night owls stayed awake for longer, but mostly, at night, New Haven was a ghost town where little stirred. The stars twinkled overhead, peeking beyond the misty clouds that drifted across the sky, and the pale moon looked down over the settlement, taking its watch as the winter sun rested.
It had been a hard day for everyone. People were working hard to improve New Haven, and themselves. Freddie and Mindy had been putting plenty of work into learning about medical techniques, and how to teach them. They were just about ready to start the course, and both were a little nervous about having to teach. Hank had been doing his usual thing in helping Mack, and the three of them were sharing a drink before they left for bed. Hank and Mindy were sitting beside each other, Mindy occasionally resting her shoulder against the preacher. The two of them were not like Grace and Luis, or Tristan and Sharon, or even Saul and Alison. They weren't much for public displays of affection, and kept them down to a minimum, but they were able to relax in front of Freddie, who was sitting by himself, feet raised and looking as though he was posing for a painting. He took a sip of his drink and closed his eyes, feeling the warmth slip down all through his body, then let out a contented sigh.
“There's nothing like the satisfaction of a hard day's work, and a deserved drink
after it,” he said.
“I think we all deserve drinks after today. Everyone's been working hard,” Mindy said.
“They need to with all that's happened, and with all that's going to happen,” Freddie said. Hank remained quiet.
“What do you mean?” Mindy asked.
“Well, just that with winter setting in people are going to have to face the fact that life is going to be hard. Some people may not make it through. I wouldn't say this so bluntly out there, of course, but between us three it's alright. Think about it. The temperature is going to continue going down, and if the patrols don't come back with enough food, we're going to have to come up with a new plan. As much as I love Mack, he's not a miracle worker. He can't conjure up food out of thin air,” Freddie said.
“I don't know, Mack's done a lot. I think you'll find a lot of people do think he's capable of miracles. It's a miracle that we're still here, and that he's turned our little settlement into New Haven. I think the mood around here is good. I'm glad that people are working hard to lay the foundation for the future. It's better than everyone just moping around, waiting for the inevitable to happen,” the blonde woman said.
“Oh, I quite agree. I'm just saying that I'm not sure it'll last. Mack is amazing, don't get me wrong, and I very much doubt I still would be alive if it wasn't for him, but we have to look at reality and accept the possibility that this winter is going to be the toughest test we've ever faced. Don't tell anyone else this, but I think Mack is more worried than he's letting on as well. I've gotten to know him quite well since we met, and I've started noticing a few of the ways he behaves. I think he's pinning all his hopes on Grace coming back with our salvation, and I'm just not sure that it's a viable tactic. As much as I love everyone here, they're still human, and all this work we're doing is going to fall by the wayside if they start getting fearful for the future,” the counselor said.