Breakup Bootcamp

by Amy Chan

  SHINE LIGHT ON YOUR SHAME AND YOU TAKE AWAY ITS POWER

  The more we hide our shame, the bigger it grows. It will continue lurking in the shadows, becoming chronic and more and more debilitating. Bit by bit, the shame will cause more disconnection from the self and with others. But the more you discuss it and confront it, the smaller it gets. The shame cycle is a vicious one, and the only way to interrupt it is to address it with empathy. By empathy here, I mean understanding toward ourselves. We are all imperfect beings. Admit that you are feeling shame. Dig deep into why. Have compassion for yourself instead of self-punishing. Then share your feelings with someone you trust.

  Talking about our feelings of shame and naming them often diminishes their power. In fact, verbalizing our shame actually makes us resilient to it.

  Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

  Sometimes we don’t even know that it’s shame that’s the root of our defense mechanisms, and some uncovering is required where you need to reverse engineer the behavioral symptoms to discover the source.

  As someone labeled a “relationship expert,” there are times when I feel bad about myself for having relationship challenges. There’s a sense of shame that I feel, as if I should have the love puzzle all figured out. I’m a thought leader on this subject—I shouldn’t feel pain! It wasn’t until I began researching the notion of shame for this book that my own hidden shame surfaced. In fact, that shame crept up when I started dating a new guy named Sammy.

  Our romance started off strong: we had been sitting next to each other at a coworking space and kept talking off and on in between attempting to work. After five hours, I realized that I wanted to keep spending time with him and asked him to grab dinner. He canceled his plans, and voilà—we went on our first date. The next few weeks were filled with epic dates, make-out sessions, and daily communication. But then . . . he didn’t initiate making plans with me over one weekend—my biggest trigger!

  I felt angst and could observe myself launching into my habit of making up stories: Maybe he’s lost interest. Maybe I set a precedent by asking him out first, and now I’ll always have to initiate. Oh no, so now I’m the pursuer . . .

  I felt needy, and I hated that about myself. Enter self-loathing. It was a big shame sandwich with anxiety and self-pity smeared on top. It tasted awful.

  Despite employing all my self-soothing techniques, angst and insecurity persisted. I started to feel sad, and then angry, and then ashamed that I felt these emotions. I decided to journal about what feelings were coming up for me and what my reactive brain was telling me to do:

  Withdraw: Don’t contact him, shut down.

  Punish: When he finally gets in touch, act aloof and lie about being too busy to see him.

  Sabotage: Reach out to another guy for validation to displace my angst.

  Attack: Get angry with him for not taking more initiative and threaten to break up.

  Reject: Avoid hypothetical rejection by rejecting him first.

  I saw that all my reactions were defense mechanisms that had been in place long before I met Sammy, and what was coming up had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. My unmet need is connection, and a lack of communication or set plans evoked angst over a lack of safety. To work through my shame around having needs, I needed to acknowledge that I have needs, which does not mean I am needy. And even if I was feeling needy, I needed to allow that this was okay too. Growing up with parents who were “too busy” to parent me, I adapted to the neglect by becoming overly independent. I developed a belief that depending on others or needing someone was (1) “needy” and “weak,” and (2) going to lead to disappointment anyway. Now I could trace back the root of why I felt so upset when I had a need.

  I called a few of my closest friends and shared. What was different this time was that I opened up not just about the rejection but also about the shame I felt for being a relationship expert who couldn’t seem to create the relationship I wanted. I had self-imposed pressure that I should have “gotten it” by now. I was afraid that my credibility would be questioned because another guy had come in and out of my life. My friends, who would usually look to me for advice, gladly stepped into that role. They listened with compassion. They made me feel safe, allowed me to ugly cry and even feel sorry for myself, and gave me permission to act as a human being, not as some all-knowing relationship expert. This was a moment where I learned that I am not Amy the brand, but I’m Amy, an imperfect human on an ongoing journey of growth, complete with mistakes, struggles, and moments of shame.

  Sammy did reach out to make plans with me, then because of work reasons had to cancel . . . twice. I was disappointed and frustrated, and when I expressed via text that I was triggered and needed to process my emotions, he responded that he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone using the words “trigger” and “process.” Apparently, I triggered something in Sammy by being triggered!

  I realized that part of my journey is to embrace that it’s okay for me to have needs, and this does not mean I am weak. It’s also a practice for me to build my muscle of relying on others, and that in doing so I will be vulnerable to pain and disappointment, but will also have the opportunity to deepen intimacy and connection. And ultimately I can share these emotions with the right partner in an open and vulnerable way.

  This is self-love in action, embracing all parts of myself—the shadow and the light, not a front that projects perfection. And if someone rejects me because of this, well, then he wasn’t meant to be in my life. See ya, Sammy!

  * * *

  EXERCISE: Tame the Shame

  Moving through shame is a process of sharing with others and experiencing empathy. When we have difficult experiences that leave us feeling flawed or unworthy, we need the support and empathy of others most. Studies show that empathy decreases stress levels and improves physical and mental health.6 The following exercise provides steps on how to move through shame in positive ways.

  Notice what brings up your feelings of shame. This can be challenging at first because our feelings might be buried under layers of coping mechanisms. You can start by looking at your reactions to shame—what are the behaviors and urges that come up when you feel this uncomfortable emotion? Do you isolate? Withdraw? Attack? Blame? Write these down so you can identify your tendencies. Recognize that we use blame to discharge discomfort, anger, and pain.

  How does shame feel in the body? There is a physiological response to every emotion. Bring attention to your body and simply observe any numbness or sensation. You don’t need to do anything with it, just observe and be.

  Use introspection to start uncovering what you feel shame around and the stories you’ve created that cause your shame. Evaluate how you judge others, as there’s often key information about what we disown or dislike about ourselves by looking at what we judge others for.

  Practice self-compassion. Start by recognizing that you are not your shame and that many of your shame-inducing experiences happened when you were a child. Feelings of insignificance and unworthiness appeared before you had any “choices” in the matter. Shame was your natural response. You cannot deny or escape your shame experiences, but to move through shame means to face the feelings, own them, and incorporate them into yourself.

  In your journal, write down a current situation that you feel shame around. Write in detail and don’t hold back. This is your chance to get it out of your system and onto paper as a way of release. Set the story of shame free.

  Who is someone you can trust to share what you’re feeling? Choose someone who you know will not reject you for sharing your vulnerability. Then ask this person if she will hold space for you to share something you’ve felt shame around and want to release. Offer some parameters to the person on how to best support you while you do this exercise. Remind her that you’re not seeking advice; you just need someone to listen with compassion and without judgment. If nobody comes to mind, consider empathetic settings such as twelve-step support meetings or wom
en’s groups, or seek out a therapist or coach. Sharing the issues you feel shame around with someone that you know won’t reject you is a crucial step for reducing shame’s power.

  THE ANTIDOTE FOR SHAME: SELF-COMPASSION

  You know what shame hates? Self-compassion. Self-compassion is empathy directed inward. It is the antidote for shame. Neuroscience research shows that self-compassion strengthens the parts of our brains that make us happier, more resilient, and more attuned to others.7

  One of the pioneering psychologists on self-compassion, Kristin Neff, defines this notion as “the ability to be kind and understanding toward oneself when faced with personal inadequacies or difficult situations.” Her research also shows that self-compassion is a good predictor of healthy romantic relationships.8

  Simply put, self-compassion involves treating ourselves the way we would treat a beloved friend. There are three main components of self-compassion:

  Self-kindness versus self-judgment. Accept that we make mistakes and that disappointments are a natural part of being a human. We don’t demand perfection of ourselves, and we forgive ourselves when we fall short. We accept that it’s normal to be imperfect, rather than blaming or criticizing ourselves for not measuring up.

  Common humanity. When things in life don’t go as planned, too often we get frustrated and feel isolated or alone in our frustration. Common humanity reminds us that every single person on this planet also endures disappointments and failures. With this view, we are no longer isolated by our suffering, and we can find ourselves in greater connection with others because of it.

  Mindfulness versus overidentification. In order to respond to our difficulties with self-compassion, we need to notice that we are having a difficult experience in the first place. Mindfulness enables us to see our internal experience but not become victimized by it. Overidentification is when we get swallowed up by our feelings and lose objectivity.

  Behavioral scientist and positive change strategist Dr. Naomi Arbit has helped countless women at Renew learn how to use self-compassion as a way to self-soothe instead of self-shame. She explains that one of the primary emotional circuits in the brain is the “care circuit,” and every time we bond with others and feel warmth and love, we activate it and our brains release the powerful bonding and stress-reduction hormone oxytocin, as well as endogenous opiates (translation: you feel good!).9

  Dr. Arbit shares the great news that we can actually activate the care circuit ourselves for ourselves, with soothing words and touch. Our brain registers this as almost identical to being nurtured and cared for by someone else. Go ahead, give yourself a hug, literally!

  Activate Self-Compassion

  We are going to try an experiment to activate our care circuit. Bring to mind a beloved friend or family member, someone with whom you have an easy, uncomplicated relationship and who is easy to love. Now imagine this person calling you at the end of the day completely beside herself because her partner left her. She is deeply worried about her future, feeling lost and hopeless. What would you say to this person, whom you love, in response to her suffering?

  People typically respond by telling their beloved that everything will be fine, it’s normal to go through breakups, that life has its ups and downs. They tell them not to worry. They tell them they’ll recover and find love again. They assure them that they are loved and supported.

  Now imagine it was you who experienced this same heart-wrenching pain. What would you say to yourself?

  When Dr. Arbit conducts this exercise at Renew, this question typically has the room audibly chuckling. Why? Because most of us say cruel things to ourselves that we’d never dream of saying aloud to someone else. In fact, it’s very likely that if we treated others the way we treat ourselves in such moments, we wouldn’t have any friends at all!

  Dr. Arbit asks the women at Renew, “When you’re consoling someone you love who’s going through pain, what words of support do you offer?”

  One by one the women raise their hand and offer variations on the same loving themes.

  “I love you. I’m here for you.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  “You’re going to be okay.”

  She then asks the attendees why they can so easily find consoling and compassionate phrases to offer to someone else but can’t do the same for themselves. It’s an important question. When we are supporting someone we love, we have the perspective and wisdom to know that their feelings are only temporary but can’t seem to find the same compassion for the one person we need to love the most, ourselves.

  Research shows that 80 percent of Americans find it far easier to be compassionate toward others than themselves.10 While the impact of this self-critical tendency may seem clear, it has pervasive and long-term effects on our well-being and resilience.

  Why do we speak to ourselves in such a harsh, critical language that we would never use toward a friend? When you catch yourself judging yourself, try to acknowledge that this is your inner self-critic at play. Just like we learned in chapter one how to not feed our emotional monster, the same applies here. Don’t feed the shame; don’t feed the judgment. This might be as simple as catching the thought and choosing not to put more energy behind it by vocalizing it. Start there.

  Self-compassion is a practice of generating good intentions for ourselves. It is not a practice of generating good feelings, or avoiding difficult feelings and replacing them with good feelings. Self-compassion is about bringing love and care to yourself, rather than entering some predefined emotional state. And the beautiful thing is that when you generate these intentions, your suffering can transform.

  When you first practice loving kindness and self-compassion, it can feel unnatural. If you expect to generate strong feelings of warmth right off the bat, you may set yourself up for disappointment. It’s critical to know this in advance, because many people have an expectation that their mood will shift immediately. When it doesn’t, they assume the practice doesn’t work for them and often give up. But pay attention: if you find that you have trouble generating positive feelings of warmth for yourself, this indicates you need more practice, not less! It is not a sign that the practice isn’t working; it’s a sign that you have to persevere. If you went to the gym and tried to deadlift a hundred pounds right away but couldn’t, that doesn’t mean that weight lifting isn’t a good exercise. It means you need to adjust your expectations and start with a lighter weight, working your way up.

  You may notice that pain initially increases with self-compassion practice. When you start to give yourself unconditional love, all the ways in which you never received this type of love become painfully apparent. You may have gone decades without ever having the experience of unconditional love and compassion—and that can be enormously painful to acknowledge.

  Kristin Neff advises that if we feel overwhelmed with emotions,

  the most self-compassionate response may be to pull back temporarily—focus on the breath, the sensation of the soles of our feet on the ground, or engage in ordinary, behavioral acts of self-care such as having a cup of tea or petting the cat. By doing so we reinforce the habit of self-compassion—giving ourselves what we need in the moment—planting seeds that will eventually blossom and grow.11

  FROM SHAMING TO BLAMING TO REFRAMING

  “So, Amy, is this story serving you?” my friend Dennis asked.

  I hadn’t seen Dennis for over a year and was catching him up on the infidelity and betrayal of my ex Adam.

  “Uh, no,” I stammered, surprised at his lack of pity.

  “Can you think of some times when he was kind? Honest? Tell me about those times,” Dennis probed.

  “Well, sure, there was this time when we . . .” I started to list off all these happy and fun memories. Soon I was smiling and laughing as I recounted them. And then it hit me.

  After the breakup, I vilified my ex. In my darkness, I had tunnel vision and could only see the negative. I couldn’t remember any of the
positive, nor appreciate the good things that happened in my life after the breakup. I couldn’t see them because I wasn’t looking.

  I was at a choice point. I could continue painting a picture of how awful Adam and the relationship was, or I could paint a new one that explored the meaning in what happened and choose gratitude. It was time to choose the latter.

  I went home that day, and on beautiful pink stationery, I wrote my ex a letter. In that letter, I acknowledged the facts of what occurred, and I took accountability for my part in what went wrong in the relationship. I acknowledged that we were both just doing the best we knew how at the time. I reflected on all the wonderful things that were now happening in my life—I was moving out of the country and embarking on a new career path. I told him how grateful I was for all that had happened between us—the good, the bad, and the ugly. In that letter I forgave him. In that letter I let go. In that letter I thanked him.

  I sent him that letter. He never responded. It didn’t matter; it wasn’t for him, it was for me. From that moment on, I have never again felt an ounce of anger or resentment toward Adam. It was in truly accepting and forgiving that I finally let go. It was in letting go that I was free.

  This is the power of reframing—a critical tool of building resilience. Reframing involves coming up with a different interpretation, looking for the silver lining, and finding the lesson for growth amid the hardship. It helps you switch from being powerless in victimization to feeling empowered. The first step is being accountable yourself.

  BLAMING VERSUS ACCOUNTABILITY

  “Accountability? He cheated on me and left me with nothing! Why would I be accountable when he did this to me? I gave him everything.” Megan, a fifty-five-year-old mother of three boys, couldn’t grasp the concept of reframing. Her husband of twenty-nine years told her he wasn’t in love with her anymore and wanted a divorce. Megan internalized that as something being wrong with her. She even went on a new diet, hoping that by getting fit she’d be sexually attractive to her husband again. It wasn’t until she told him she was going to initiate a deposition that he finally came clean that he had been having an affair and was leaving her for someone else.