Breakup Bootcamp

by Amy Chan

  Megan had done everything a “good wife” should do. She sacrificed for her family, supported her husband’s business, and put her career aside so she could raise the children. She gave and gave. And after three decades of giving, she felt blindsided and bitter when her husband left her. Two years after the divorce, she found herself at Renew, hoping she could find an end to her pain.

  She couldn’t forgive. She refused to.

  With compassion, I offered some feedback: “Megan, the lying and betrayal that occurred at the end of the relationship are inexcusable. I’m not taking away how painful that must feel, and you have every right to feel that. But you’ve suffered long enough, and blaming him does not make the pain go away, nor does it relieve you from it continuing to haunt you.”

  THE EMOTIONAL CHARGE KEEPS YOU ATTACHED

  If you’re still blaming your ex, analyzing your ex, or hoping for your ex to change, you are still in a relationship with your ex. When you blame, you are shackled to the person who hurt you, giving that person the keys to your emotional freedom. Blaming keeps your recovery dependent on the actions of another person—something that you ultimately cannot control. This powerlessness keeps you in a state of suffering.

  When we outsource our recovery or closure to someone else, we fail to recognize that nobody can give us the healing we yearn for. Blaming keeps us in victimization mode, waiting for something external to change in order for us to feel better. But it doesn’t come, and months, years, or even decades can go by.

  Accountability means we acknowledge what happened, we take steps to protect ourselves from letting it happen again, and we focus on recovery. It also enables us to regain a sense of internal control in the face of what feels like chaos.

  BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PLAN?

  One of the hardest parts of a breakup is the investment you made in a plan . . . that fell apart. Not only are you mourning the relationship, but you’re mourning the future that never got a chance to happen. The problem is mainstream society doesn’t show us that there are many different paths out there, and one is not better or worse—it’s just different.

  WHEN YOU BLAME, YOU ARE SHACKLED TO THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU, GIVING THAT PERSON THE KEYS TO YOUR EMOTIONAL FREEDOM. BLAMING KEEPS YOUR RECOVERY DEPENDENT ON THE ACTIONS OF ANOTHER PERSON—SOMETHING THAT YOU ULTIMATELY CANNOT CONTROL. THIS POWERLESSNESS KEEPS YOU IN A STATE OF SUFFERING.

  I get it, the pressure is real. Out of the group of friends I grew up with, I’m the only one who is not married with kids. I went to five weddings last summer alone!

  Date, get married, have kids—all by age thirty-five. That was supposed to be my plan too, until it got derailed and I had to reevaluate. And when I started doing some digging, I realized how much of my life was on autopilot. As I asked more questions, the more I realized that my default plan was not even one that I had come up with. It was absorbed through osmosis by witnessing my parents, my friends, and the media’s representation of what relationships should look like, through socialization and cultural norms.

  Maybe my future isn’t meant to end up in a nuclear family, or maybe it is. Maybe I will decide to adopt or be in an open relationship or be monogamous. Maybe my legacy will be to not have children at all, but instead to devote myself to helping others. Or growing a garden.

  The point is, I don’t know for sure what my plan is. The plan can change, and if we don’t have buoyancy to flow with the ups and downs, we can break. Most important is a willingness to question the beliefs we vehemently hold on to, reflect on where the roots of those beliefs came from, and ask if those beliefs serve us—not the other way around.

  Do not become a slave to your plan. Own your story, or you’ll constantly be living someone else’s.

  * * *

  EXERCISE: Connect the Dots

  Think about a time in your life when something didn’t go according to plan and, as a result, something even better happened. Perhaps it was being let go from a job only to find a higher-paying, more fulfilling one. Or maybe it was the horrible breakup that helped you learn key lessons about yourself and finally gave you the courage to move out of your hometown. Write down three unexpected “plot twists” that ultimately resulted in something positive.

  ___________________________________________________________

  ___________________________________________________________

  ___________________________________________________________

  You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.

  Steve Jobs

  IT HAPPENED FOR ME

  After my big breakup, if you had told me that the heartbreak, debilitating depression, and thoughts of suicide would be the basis of my starting a company, I would’ve called you batshit crazy. But that’s exactly what happened. You are reading this book because of that breakup. In retrospect, I can now see how the heartbreak didn’t happen to me, it happened for me.

  I have looked back and found enough evidence to know now that when something doesn’t go according to plan, it’s because I’m being protected. There’s something else in store. I practice reframing and building that muscle of optimism—because that’s helpful for my present and future.

  It’s time to stop dwelling on the dreams that were not meant to be and celebrate the possibility of what’s in store. If I had been able to do this exercise back when I was incessantly ruminating on how unjust life was, I would have saved a lot of time and energy.

  In the previous exercise you found evidence that there have been times in your life when something that didn’t go according to plan only worked out for the better. Now let’s identify how this current plot twist can turn out to be something even better in your future.

  * * *

  EXERCISE: Play with Possibility

  In this exercise, identify what didn’t go according to plan and brainstorm how this might open up another door for you in the future. Imagine yourself five years from today, looking back at how one thing didn’t go according to plan only for something else to work out. We are playing with possibility here, so fast-forward to future you and connect the dots.

  For example, if your plan was to get married by age X, think about future you, five years from now. Perhaps she’s in a healthy relationship with an amazing human. Perhaps she also started a coaching practice to help women through heartbreak. Here’s mine, as an example:

  My plan was to get married to Adam. Instead, I started a company to help people with their heartbreaks, published a book, and am now in a loving, healthy relationship.

  Use your imagination here! Even if you have no idea how that would happen, or it seems unrealistic right now, just play with possibility. Be creative and get wild; don’t hold back!

  My plan was ______________________________________________________.

  Instead, __________________________________________________________.

  My plan was ______________________________________________________.

  Instead, __________________________________________________________.

  My plan was ______________________________________________________.

  Instead, __________________________________________________________.

  Exercising your mind to see the possibilities of your new future is part of the practice of letting go. It helps you get unstuck from the past and redirect your focus to future possibilities. This practice helps you in your process of creating closure.

  TO FORGIVE, OR NOT TO FORGIVE?

  Maybe you were cheated on. Betrayed. Lied to. Maybe the person you thought would never let you down blindsided you. When you’re seething with anger, the idea of forgiveness may seem impossible. A part of you feels like you’re selling out your emotions, and sometimes that rage is the last piece of the relationship you’ve got left.

  We are bombarded with messages that we need
to forgive, and that by not forgiving we’re poisoning ourselves. I get it—the message rings true and makes for a good Instagram quote—but depending on which stage of hurt you’re in, sometimes you’re just not ready. And no amount of cognitive reasoning or mantras is going to get you there.

  Forgiveness is a process, not a destination. It’s an intense yet beautiful journey. Some people are able to make this journey in a shorter time than others, and some might not ever get there, despite their attempts. When someone in pain is advised to just forgive, it’s like saying, “Just get over it”—it’s shaming and reeks of an air of superiority. It’s not helpful.

  A more helpful goal is to build compassion, starting with self-compassion. The more you practice self-compassion, the more you build up the reserve. It’s yours for the making, step by step. This is important because it gives you a sense of control over your outcome. You don’t need to go from zero to a hundred. Just focus on going from zero to one, then one to two. Reaching forgiveness, however, can seem much more binary—either you forgive or you don’t. Zero to a hundred. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is cultivated little by little, degree by degree.

  Until we can direct love and kindness inward, it’s going to be pretty challenging to direct it outward. The goal of forgiveness might be too big and overwhelming to handle right now, and that’s okay. Start with practices that cultivate your self-compassion. Write a list of self-care activities and do one a day. Start a five-minute meditation practice. Experiment with different mindfulness techniques. As you keep building your inner reserve of self-love and care, you might find that you naturally get to a place where forgiveness doesn’t seem as impossible anymore.

  LETTING GO

  There is a clear turning point for the women at Renew that happens on Saturday night. While Friday is focused on addressing the pain, uncovering the wounds, and processing the emotions, Saturday is about rewiring patterns and shifting beliefs. The exercises and practices all build up to a pinnacle moment: a letter-writing exercise to let go of the past, so we can welcome the future.

  It’s ten P.M., and the women are all given blank pieces of paper. They are instructed to write a letter to the person they are letting go of. For the women who are not quite ready to write a letter to their ex, they are encouraged to choose someone else in their life they want to create closure with, be it a family member, the ex before the ex . . .

  With the song “Immunity,” by Jon Hopkins, playing in the background, the women fall silent as they focus on their writing. You hear sniffles and even sobs; there’s a somber, yet cathartic, feeling in the air. After each person is finished, we all go outside where a bonfire is waiting. We form a circle around the fire and I lead the final part of the exercise:

  “Here we are, together, to witness each other in our rite of passage, to let go of the past, so that we can make space to welcome the new. One by one, we will put our letters into the fire and witness them burn.”

  More tears. Some are tears of sorrow, as their pain exits their bodies. Some of the tears are of power and pride. All these women are ready to let go, to start the next phase of life.

  Now, it’s your turn.

  * * *

  EXERCISE: The Letting Go Letter

  Write a letter to someone who you want to let go of. You might not be ready to write a letter to your ex right now, and that’s okay. You can choose someone with whom you’ve had unfinished business. This is an exercise you can repeat and work yourself up to writing a letter to your ex. Accept, find the lesson, forgive, generate gratitude. Just let go.

  Choose some stationery and your favorite pen. Find somewhere quiet and play music in the background that feels inspiring. Follow the prompts below to write your letter.

  And when you’re finished, rip up that letter or set it on fire.

  “This is what happened.” Describe the facts of the situation. Be accurate, recounting both the positives and negatives without embellishment, interpretation, or judgment.

  “This is how I felt/feel.” Without accusatory language, be honest about how you felt/feel. Your feelings are not right or wrong; they are simply your experience.

  “This is what I take accountability for.” Even if it seems like the other person was at fault completely, the fact is every relationship takes two people. Victimization does not help you. Take accountability for your part in the situation.

  “This is what I forgive.” Even if it hurts, forgive. Find compassion that your ex was trying the best he knew how at the time. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

  “This is what I let go.” The pain, the regret, the negative charge, the blame—let it go. You’re done ruminating on the past and committing to letting go of what no longer serves you.

  “This is what I learned.” Illuminate your personal power. See the strength and courage you’ve gained from the situation and that while you may have been bruised, you’re not broken.

  “This is what I’m grateful for.” Give thanks to the person or the situation for providing the chance for you to grow.

  Closure is not something you attain; it’s the compound effect of a process that encompasses grieving, acceptance, accountability, letting go, forgiveness, and gratitude.

  Jenny’s CLOSURE

  “I USED TO get so angry I’d start to cry. I would hold on to the grudge and internalize the pain. Over and over, I’d beat myself up. Putting all that raw emotion on paper and getting it out of my system and burning it was cathartic. To be honest, I’ve done it a number of times. It’s helped me be a better person, a better employer, a better daughter, a better friend. But most of all, it’s been a valuable tool in creating my own closure. I used to think that closure would come if he changed, if he stopped bothering me, if he was kinder . . . but I realize that closure isn’t about what he does or does not do.

  “To me, closure is not wanting revenge. It’s not feeling sad, not feeling anything toward him, really. I hope one day he gets his life together and is happy, but I don’t think about him.

  “Closure doesn’t happen overnight. There are a hundred steps, and if you miss a step you’ll keep going backward. There’s no way around it, you have to go through it. I’ve recognized that there’s so much I’ve learned from that loss, and that’s what helped me let go.

  “Every day is a renewal of the person I want to be and the person I want to evolve into.”

  THE END MARKS THE BEGINNING

  Things come and go; there’s impermanence even in the things we think will last forever. Because life.

  The person you thought would never let you down does. The company you thought valued you lays you off. A pandemic hits, forcing you to create a new normal and recognize how precious life really is.

  And as much as you try to plan, control, and perfect, the reality is there’s only so much you can do to prepare for the spontaneity that is life. The sooner you can accept and even excel in uncertainty, the sooner you experience freedom. This is resilience.

  So here we are. The plan you thought you knew for sure has changed. When you’re in the thick of it, you can’t see what’s coming next, and this can be incredibly scary! You can embrace everything you’ve learned so far, but there’s one other ingredient in the secret sauce of some of the most successful, happiest, fulfilled people I know.

  Trust.

  Trust is cultivating the patience to let things unfold. It requires a surrender of your ego’s grip on control and your attachment to what should have been. Trust is tapping into your inner knowing, having faith that something bigger is at play. Just because your relationship didn’t go according to plan doesn’t make it a failure.

  There is no such thing as failure in love. Relationships end, but they don’t fail. Love is only a failure when you don’t learn from the experience and you don’t try again.

  6

  Fantasy Will F*ck You (Your Brain on Love)

  Desperate needs bring about a hallucination of their solution: Thirst hallucinates water, the need for l
ove hallucinates the ideal man or woman.

  Alain de Botton

  Do you know what Snow White and Carrie Bradshaw have in common?

  They’re liars.

  I waited. I pined. As a young girl I dreamed about my Prince Charming. But the prince never came, let alone saved me. As I grew up, my hope of finding a dashing prince evolved into a fantasy of finding my Mr. Big (for you Gen Z-ers out there, I’m referring to the suave, charming finance mogul who was the on-again, off-again love interest of Carrie Bradshaw in the popular sitcom Sex and the City). And yet, with disappointment after disappointment, that fantasy of a man swooping me off my feet and changing my life held strong.

  Here’s what those fairy tales, romantic movies, and love songs create: a culture of women shattered by love. We have unrealistic expectations of what it is to love and be loved. For most people, what we call “love” today can be categorized as variations upon certain themes we experience as adolescents: intense lust and longing, attraction to novelty and excitement, the desire to “possess” and idealize, and the hope of feeling special when chosen.

  So yeah, Snow White, Cinderella, Carrie Bradshaw, and the rest of the taffeta-gowned gang, although entertaining, have reinforced a dysfunctional way of approaching romance. The women attending Renew have generally put the same amount of stock in fairy tales as me. Many had convinced themselves they were with a Mr. Big in the making or a Bradley Cooper in need of some taming. Most of them were dating the guy with potential. Of course, he just needed more time, more work, more love.