A Fine Mess

by Hughes, Breanna

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it.” She looked at Finn through her swollen eyes and sniffled. “You look really good.”

  “I’ve lost some weight. Gained some muscle.”

  “What’s your secret?”

  Finn wanted so badly to respond with: ‘Heartbreak and a new relationship.’

  “Pilates.”

  “Really?”

  “No. Not really.”

  Harper laughed through her tears. Finn started to feel really bad about seeing her in this state. He polished off the rest of his beer and put a comforting arm around her as she cried into his shoulder. She inhaled the scent from his shirt and recalled a time when that smell was the safest thing in the world for her. The memories of nights they would lie awake in bed together talking until sunrise infiltrated her thoughts. Even then, she had a feeling that maybe Finn wasn’t the one for her. But she had pushed those ideas aside because how could she possibly question something this easy and this fun and this safe? After everything that’s happened and after what she just witnessed, at this moment, Harper would have given anything to feel that safe again. Her mind was a mess and her heart was aching and she was beginning to question the validity of everything around her.

  “Finn? Can you take me home? I don’t think I should drive right now.”

  “Sure. Where are you parked?”

  “Just across the street.”

  Finn got up and extended his hand out for Harper to take.

  “All right. Let’s get you home.”

  ***

  Not wanting to wake up Emily, the ex-lovers entered the house as quietly as they could. Harper’s wobbly walking was the deciding factor for Finn to come in and help her to bed, even though part of him just wanted to go home and call Susan to see if Andrew was okay.

  “Finn?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What’s wrong with me?”

  “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong with you.”

  “Then why can’t I just be happy?”

  “It’s the human condition to be perpetually unhappy. When they say ignorance is bliss, it’s true. The problem is, you’re too smart for your own good. So you’re too smart to settle for less than what you want.”

  “What if it’s too far out of my reach? Am I always gonna feel like this?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.” Finn couldn’t bear seeing Harper so distraught. He used to think she could tell him anything, but lately she had been so cryptic, it made him begin to feel useless around her. He didn’t like feeling useless, especially when it came to Harper. Finn wrapped her in a hug, his entire body enveloping her five-foot-three frame. They were in her room in the dark, halfway to her bed when they both allowed themselves to take in every moment of the embrace. Harper’s head was in a fog and perhaps the alcohol didn’t help with her decision-making abilities But at that moment she held on to the only thing she knew could be relied upon. Then, she took it a step further by guiding Finn’s lips to hers. He hesitated for a moment, but after feeling those lips on his once again after so long without them, he forgot about all the progress he made in getting over her and kissed her back.

  It was different, not as familiar as it used to be for Finn. Something had changed in the way she kissed him, but he ignored it because he had to. There was no way he could pull away now.

  “That’s a really pretty dress,” he stated as he ran his fingers over the material.

  Harper instinctively started unzipping his jeans as he hiked up the lower part of her dress, gripping her thighs and slowly taking off her underwear. Once his shirt was removed, Harper’s hands made their way back down to his pants. She was slightly stunned upon discovering his erection because it made her realize that this was a real thing. It was actually happening and her mind was such a wreck, it had no power to stop her body.

  The way he held her, the way he touched her, the way he tasted was exactly the same. It was as if no time had passed and nothing had changed. At the moment, she thought that was what she needed. Something constant and unwavering, anything to keep her from feeling any more pain. She wanted to need him, but she couldn’t. She didn’t ache for him the way she did for Kiley. But Harper needed a taste of the way it used to be. It hurt too much to think about Kiley and how badly she wanted her. She was simply an ancillary appendage in Kiley’s life and it hurt too much to think about that. So she turned to the one person she could trust not to hurt her. Was it a selfish act? Absolutely. But once again, her Scarlet O’Hara complex kicked in and she decided to worry about it tomorrow.

  There was really no method to Finn’s madness, but it did seem to go like clockwork. Barely two minutes of foreplay and he was ready to go. It’s not that he was selfish or uncaring, he just didn’t know any better. Harper never revealed to him what she preferred in the love-making department.

  He lowered her onto the bed and fervently kissed her. He was unable to remember the last time he wanted something so badly.

  Harper tried to stay in the moment, but she couldn’t help but think of Kiley. Then, she thought of Kiley and Seth and having to actually see them together. Is that what led her here? Is this some sort of revenge? Harper was brought back to the here and now when she heard the condom wrapper crinkle in Finn’s hand, then thrown to the floor. Her dress was still half on as she felt the pressure when he entered her. She exhaled slowly with each movement he made. It was dark enough for her to hide her tears.

  “I love you,” whispered Finn. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  Harper caressed his back and before she could even think of anything to respond with, she felt him shudder on top of her and let out a moan. She felt a familiar, pulsating feeling inside her. Finn lay on top of her for a moment, trying to regain his composure. Harper laid perfectly still, feeling like the worst person alive for wondering when he would leave. Based on his position, it seemed like it would be a while.

  CHAPTER 24

  The sun seeping through the curtains was Harper’s deliverance. She spent the entire night waiting for the sun to rise and morning to come so that the living proof of last night’s drunken bad decision would finally leave and let her commence the process of denial. She could barely hear herself think over Finn’s snoring. Had it been this bad when they were together? Or was it just the alcohol that produced the grating sound coming from his nasal passages? Either way, Harper didn’t know how much longer she could stand it.

  The moment Finn gripped her tight and fell asleep next to her, Harper immediately felt horrible about what had transpired between them. The flashes of Kiley with Seth didn’t help the situation. For some reason, revenge sex just lost its luster in the harsh light of day. She felt disgusted with herself. Suddenly riddled with an anxiety attack, Harper knew she couldn’t be here at this moment. She couldn’t be in this bed, with this man, in this house. Her restlessness gave way to full blown panic.

  “Finn?”

  “Mmm…” Finn rolled over to his side, still in sleep mode.

  “Finn. Get up,” she tapped him on the shoulder. “Finn.”

  “Mmm…don’t worry about it. Don’t have to work today. Let’s just sleep in.” He rolled back over and put his arms around her. Harper was right back where she started.

  Finn suddenly sat up. “Sorry. I forgot. You’ve probably been awake for a while, haven’t you?”

  Harper nodded, trying to scoot away from Finn, not wanting her naked body to touch his. It seemed like a moot point by now, but she didn’t care.

  “Pretty much all night,” said Harper.

  “Still? Even after everything we…”

  “Yes.” Harper did not want him to finish that sentence.

  “Wow. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Harper sulked, dreading what was about to come next. She shook her head. “Why are you so good to me?”

  Finn smiled. “Because I love you. And you deserve to be happy. Especia
lly after all you’ve been through.” He began to stroke her matted down, champagne-colored hair.

  “Don’t,” she flinched.

  “What?”

  “Just don’t, okay?”

  “Okay. Fine.” Finn rested his head on his hand. “What’s wrong?”

  Harper kicked the covers off of her and reached for a nearby shirt on the ground. “You don’t think we did anything wrong last night?”

  “How could that be wrong? It was amazing,” replied Finn.

  She stared at Finn, unsure of what words she was trying to get out. Finn’s facial expression changed significantly with each passing moment of silence.

  “Wasn’t it? I mean…you…you liked it, right?” asked Finn.

  Harper rubbed her head. “Finn, we broke up.”

  “I know, but—”

  “And you’re with someone now.”

  Finn felt the blood drain from his face. The thought of Susan hadn’t even entered his mind until now.

  “Yeah, but…this is us. I mean, it’s you and me. How could I have said no to this?”

  Harper shook her head. “I’m sorry. This is all my fault.”

  “What is?”

  “This.” She gestured to the bed. “All this. I was drunk and sad. And stupid.”

  “Stupid? You think this was stupid?”

  Harper could hear the controlled panic and rage in his voice.

  “Isn’t it?”

  “Harper, I fucking love you! How is this stupid?”

  She didn’t know how to answer that.

  “Oh. I see. It was stupid of YOU to do it.”

  “I just don’t think we thought this through.”

  “Of course we didn’t. We were drunk out of our minds, but I wanted it. And so did you. Right?”

  Harper was silent.

  “Do you even love me? Like at all?”

  “Finn— “

  Finn angrily got out of the bed. Harper felt stupid for averting her eyes from his naked body, but for some reason, she felt like she was being far too intrusive by looking at him.

  “Answer me.”

  Harper remained silent. She could see Finn’s shoulders shivering in desperation through her peripheral vision. Harper kept her focus on the unraveled thread on her comforter and wondered why she never asked her mother to teach her how to sew. It looked so easy when she watched her mother do it. Now instead of obsessing over a single thread, she could easily fix it with a needle. Although at this moment, it was important to remember that a skill like sewing wouldn’t be able to get her out of this situation. She pulled at the snagged piece of thread, hoping it would be removed and disappear, but it only grew longer. No matter how much she pulled, it kept getting worse and worse until there was a noticeable crease in the bedspread. Why couldn’t she have just left well enough alone?

  It had been four and a half minutes since she spoke.

  “Please don’t be angry.” Harper hugged the sheet to her naked body as she braced for the worst.

  Finn stood there in disbelief. He finally reached for his clothes and without taking his piercing eyes off of Harper, began to dress himself. He kept waiting for her to say something more, but evidently that was it. Once he got his left shoe on, he’d had enough silence.

  “Do you have any idea what I’ve given up for you? What the hell am I supposed to tell Susan? I screwed everything up with her. I’m in so much shit right now, you know that? She trusted me!”

  Harper knew he was looking for some sign, some explanation of why she couldn’t love him. Maybe if she told him, he’d find some kind of peace. Maybe he would have a better grasp of what kind of turmoil she was in. Maybe he would forgive her for being so cruel, but she simply couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth. She refused to speak and still couldn’t look at him.

  Finn took one long last look at the only girl to whom he’d ever fully given his heart. “You’re a horrible human being, you know that? You just fuck with people’s emotions and use them and you don’t give a shit. So I’m done with you. I’m done.”

  Without another word, Finn walked out the door and slammed it shut. Harper sat there, unable to move for fear of falling over. Any sudden movement would cause her to break at any moment. Stillness was her only comfort, at least until her emotions caught up with her. She knew she would cry, but it was just a matter of when.

  ***

  Emily had just grabbed her keys to head out to work when Finn came storming out of Harper’s room and didn’t even acknowledge her as he charged out the front door. As she pieced together what she had just witnessed, Emily’s eyes moved from the front door to the hallway as she headed toward her sister’s room and knocked on the door. She didn’t bother waiting for a response before opening the door to find her sister in a somewhat catatonic state.

  “Hey. Um…so I don’t have much time because I’m late for work, so I’m just gonna fire away. Why did I just see Finn storm out of the house?”

  Harper looked at her sister. “We had sex last night.”

  Emily lowered her head. “I had a feeling that was the case. I was hoping it was just the TV I was hearing through the wall. So, you told him about Kiley?”

  “No. But…”

  “He still loves you and you rejected him.”

  “Pretty much.”

  Emily nodded. “Have you talked to Kiley?”

  “She fucked Seth last night.”

  “You’re kidding me, right?”

  “Nope. It was right after we kissed.”

  “Wait, you two KISSED last night?”

  “Yup.”

  Emily dropped her bag and her keys on the ground. “Okay, I’m calling in sick. I can’t leave now.”

  “No, don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”

  “Like hell you will. I’m calling in sick. Deal with it.” Emily watched her sister agonize over what happened in the last twelve life-altering hours. “Harper?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You want me to make you some pancakes?”

  Harper smiled and nodded.

  “Come on. You jump in the shower and I’ll make breakfast.”

  ***

  Unbeknownst to Harper, Kiley’s night ended abruptly, right after she and Seth were interrupted. Upon seeing the look on Harper’s face, Kiley tried to push Seth off of her. It took some force seeing as how he was too into it to stop, but she managed to knee him in the stomach. She wanted to run after her friend, but by the time she found the last of her clothing and was fully dressed, Harper was nowhere to be found. So she left the party.

  Kiley headed back home and walked into her empty apartment. Her new roommate had become a ghost and was rarely home anymore ever since she met “Shane.” Kiley liked to use air quotes when talking about “Shane” because she had never met him and wasn’t entirely sure he actually existed. So here she stood, alone in the dark in her quiet apartment with nothing to do but reflect upon the undoubtedly severe damage she had inflicted upon her best friend. Why did she kiss her? What was that about? Why did she want to? And why did she want to again when it was over? What possessed her to have sex with Seth mere minutes after kissing her best friend? Why did everything that once made sense in her life now confuse and scare the hell out of her? The abundance of questions combined with the lack of answers was too much for Kiley. She made the decision right then and there that she had to make it right. She had to find Harper. She had to apologize for being so wretched. She had to do it now before she lost her nerve. But unfortunately, there was one thing she had to before she could do anything else. She ran to the bathroom and barely made it in time for the entire contents of her stomach to be thrown up. Apparently alcohol and undying guilt don’t mix very well. All Kiley knew for a fact was that she was in no shape to go anywhere tonight.

  She didn’t quite remember how she fell asleep, but waking up was a painful process. Sometime in the middle of the night, karma had bitch-slapped her
to the ground. She found herself in the middle of her living room floor still in her dress with one shoe on. She could only assume she crawled her way back from the bathroom, but had no idea why she didn’t aim for the bedroom. Or maybe she tried and thought she ended up in the right place. Her head felt like it had split in two and apparently falling asleep on top of her purse wasn’t the best thing in the world for her back. She could still smell the overpowering scent of Seth’s cologne and could feel a little bit of dried vomit on the side of her face. If there was ever a time for an emergency shower, this was it.

  So this is what rock bottom feels like, she thought as she pulled herself up and dejectedly headed toward the bathroom.

  CHAPTER 25

  With the exception of work, Harper managed to keep herself holed up at home for the next week while avoiding any and all phone calls from Kiley. She was also dreading any kind of confrontation with Finn, but it seemed he was serious when he said he was done with her. With Emily helping to pick up the pieces of her irreversibly screwed up personal life, Harper threw herself into her music. She emerged from the garage only for work, sustenance or a shower. By Saturday, she was well-rehearsed for her show at Tyson’s Bar that night. She knew a reunion with Kiley was inevitable, but tried to push it out of her mind. She didn’t know what to do or how to act. Was she supposed to be angry with Kiley for sleeping with Seth? Or was she supposed to feel guilty for sleeping with Finn? Either way, it appeared they both made a huge error in judgment.

  Harper decided not to dwell on what would happen when she saw Kiley. For all she knew, her best friend probably didn’t want to see her either. To add to Harper’s nerves, this would mark the first time Emily would ever attend one of her shows. She arranged it with Graham beforehand. His job was to stay with Emily at all times and monitor her drinks making sure they consisted of only soda or water, and nothing else.