Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  “And they’re things the doctors can’t tell you because most of them haven’t experienced it. They can explain all about the medical supplies you’ll need and things like that.” April took the pad of paper from Sherri and then wrote down several more things. “But someone who has lived through it has a different perspective.” She handed the book back to Sherri.

  Sherri read what April had added, and smiled at the phone numbers she’d listed. “My ‘in case of emergency’ numbers?”

  “You’re going to have some bad days, and that’s when you call one of us. We can talk you through it.” April slipped an arm around Page. “She helped me through mine. I helped her through hers. And now we’ll help you.”

  “Why?”

  “Consider us your boob squad.” At Sherri’s downturned lips, April shrugged. “We’ll come up with a better name. The price of membership stinks, but remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. And when you’re ready, you can stop in at the Hope Center. There’s a lot of great resources there for women like us.”

  The waitress brought their salads, and conversation paused until she left the table. Page leaned in. “Have a spokesperson to give family and friends updates so you don’t have to repeat the same details over and over.”

  April chimed in. “And let everyone who offers to help you have a chance to do something. Even if it’s bringing over a pizza, or doing a load of your laundry. This isn’t the time to be independent. That will come later.”

  Sherri stabbed a tomato, then looked from one woman to the other. “I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

  Page stared at her and swallowed. “Good. Because you’re picking up the tab.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  SHERRI CHANGED INTO the soft green hospital gown and footies that the nurse gave her, then sat on the edge of the hospital bed. She clasped her hands together to keep them from shaking and tried to swallow past the lump that had lodged in her throat. In just a matter of minutes, an orderly would wheel her to the operating room and her life would be turned upside down. Was she ready for that?

  A knock at the door, and the nurse ushered Dez in. He kissed Sherri lightly on the cheek. “There she is.”

  He looked hot in a baby blue T-shirt that stretched across his chest and was tucked into his worn denim jeans. She chastised herself. She shouldn’t be thinking like this when she was about to have surgery. She should be focused on herself. On her body. Instead, her traitorous mind pointed out how well Dez filled out that T-shirt. And those muscled arms. They both worked out regularly to stay in shape for the job, but he looked like he’d been putting in extra time with the weights. And surely those arms would hold her tight and keep her away from harm. She sighed, stowing those thoughts away. “Did you see my parents in the waiting room?”

  He nodded. “They were on their way in here, but your dad went to the gift shop for a newspaper. So I volunteered to visit you first.” He leaned against the wall as if trying hard to be casual. He’d never had to try before, she noted. “Are you scared?” he asked.

  Sherri wanted to reach out to him, pull him in to sit beside her, but it didn’t feel right. She leaned back and rested her head on the pillow behind her. “Talk to me about work. Distract me, okay?”

  Dez stepped forward and launched into the latest developments on the botched drug raid. Not that it was really news to her, but still, it felt good to have something normal to discuss. He threaded his fingers with hers and talked as if it was perfectly natural for them to be holding hands. Sherri clung to that touch and marveled at the soft skin. It should be as leathery and tough as the man next to her, but his skin felt as smooth as a baby’s. He squeezed her hand, and she wanted this moment to go on forever.

  Her dad poked his head into the room, and they quickly let go of each other’s hand. “Hey, cupcake.”

  Dez tapped her on the shoulder. “I’ll give you some time with your mom and dad.”

  He stepped out so that her parents could talk to her alone. Before he could leave, though, Sherri called out to him. “Don’t go yet!”

  Dez shot a look at her parents, then at her. “I’ll be back before they take you.” He gave a wink, then stepped outside.

  Mama kissed both of her cheeks. “Mija, I promised to call Tia Laurie when you get out of surgery, so she can update the rest of the family. Is there anyone else you want me to call?”

  Sherri motioned to the bag she’d put all her belongings in. She pulled out the notebook where April had written her phone number and Page’s. “Dez said he’d call the office to let them know, but if you could call these women. They’re my...support group, I guess.”

  Mama took the pad and put it in her purse. She kept her gaze down, and when she raised her face to Sherri’s, Sherri could see unshed tears glistening in them. “Mama, we promised we wouldn’t cry.”

  “We did. We said we’d be brave, but I don’t know how right now.” Two tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and made tracks down her pale cheeks.

  Sherri gathered Mama into her arms and clung to her. She patted her mother’s back, giving comfort to her. It was easier to do that than to face her own emotions. The nausea she was feeling was enough to deal with. She looked up at her dad, who cleared his throat. “We promised, mi amor.”

  Mama stepped back and wiped her eyes. “I know, I know.”

  “I’m going to be okay, Mama. Dr. VanGilder said this was found early, and I’m going to be just fine.” She took Mama’s hand and squeezed it. “More than fine. The doc’s going to give me a whole new body when this is over. He already drew all over my chest with a blue marker.”

  “I wish this hadn’t happened,” her mother said under her breath.

  Sherri understood that feeling. Hadn’t she been thinking the same thing since she’d found out? “You have to play the cards you’re dealt, and this is what I’ve got in my hand.” She gave a shrug as if it didn’t mean anything, even though it meant everything.

  A nurse popped into the room and put something in Sherri’s IV. The woman checked on Sherri’s vitals and gave a smile to her parents. “I’ve given her something to relax her. Dr. VanGilder will be here soon, so it’s time to say our goodbyes for now.”

  Mama and Daddy both kissed her, and her dad hugged her extra long. Maybe he wasn’t as calm as he appeared. “We love you, mija,” he said.

  “Love you, too.” As they reached the door, Sherri asked, “Can you send Dez in, please?”

  Mama nodded, and then they were gone. Sherri could feel a warmth starting to spread from her arm, across her chest and down her legs. She had to lie back down so she wouldn’t get dizzy and fall off the bed. She closed her eyes for a moment.

  “Hey, anyone home?”

  She opened one eye and saw Dez in the door frame. He took up almost the whole space. He was a fine specimen of a man. Why hadn’t she ever noticed it before all of this had happened? “They’re coming to get me soon, Dez. So we better make this quick.”

  Dez entered and stood as close to her bed as he could. With a gentle touch, he stroked her cheek. “I’ll see you when you wake up.”

  She reached up and held his hand to her face. “You promise?”

  “I’ll always be here for you.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

  The warmth of his kiss combined with the drugs made her feel good and...like she was floating. “Love you, Dez.”

  Then she tilted her head and kissed him.

  * * *

  DEZ LAPPED THE waiting room for the twenty-third time and glanced at his watch for the forty-second time. How long did this surgery take? Sherri had told him it would be most of the day, but this was ridiculous. It was getting close to four in the afternoon already. He walked over to Sherri’s parents. “I’m going to go get some air. Do either of you need anything from the cafeteria?”<
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  Perla shook her head, but Horatio pulled out a twenty dollar bill. “I could use another one of the sandwiches we had earlier. The tuna?”

  Dez waved the money away. “I got this.” He turned back to Perla. “Are you sure I can’t get you anything? Fruit? A coffee?”

  She shook her head again and picked up the pace of her knitting needles, though he could tell she wasn’t concentrating on her project. He’d watched her pull out stitches many times over the last six hours. “I’ll be back shortly,” he told them.

  He found his way to the cafeteria and purchased Horatio’s sandwich along with a fruit salad and a bag of chips. Not knowing how much longer they’d be here, he tried to find something to fill his time, to distract his mind from the image of Sherri strapped to a surgical table. He paid for his purchases and walked slowly to the waiting room.

  And what had that kiss been about?

  He’d tried not to think about that, either. Tried to put aside the feelings it had aroused in him. Not just the protective ones, since he’d always felt those. But those of a man for a woman.

  He reached the elevator and pressed the up button. What had she been thinking?

  Most likely, she’d been scared about what was about to happen and used the kiss as an escape. Right? She hadn’t meant it. Just one friend giving another friend a kiss.

  But it hadn’t felt friendly. It had felt... More. As if she’d let him slip past the walls that she kept around herself. As if she’d let herself be vulnerable. With him. And that made him feel like puffing out his chest and strutting around the hospital.

  She loved him. He could only hope what he felt for her mirrored that. Because what he felt was more than brotherly. Sure, he wanted to keep her safe. But he wanted to give her joy and pleasure. Wanted to feel her hand in his, her head against his shoulder.

  Her lips on his.

  He groaned and shook his head. She was in an operating room, fighting for her life, and he was thinking about kissing her? The elevator doors opened, and he stepped inside and pressed the button for the third floor. He needed to ignore these thoughts until Sherri was healthy and they could... What? Could he really see them dating? That wouldn’t exactly fly with the captain. They’d be separated as a team, best-case scenario. Assigned to different offices or worst case, one of them would have to quit.

  The doors opened to the third floor, and Dez strode down the hall toward the waiting room. The Lopezes weren’t there. Dez checked around, but they had definitely left. Had something gone wrong with Sherri’s surgery, and the doctor had come to retrieve them? He sat and dropped the bag of food at his feet. Maybe she was out of surgery? He willed his heart to slow down since that was most likely the case. She was safely out of surgery and her parents were talking to the doctor. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  He really needed to stop imagining the worst. He blamed it on Sherri’s tendency to see the glass not just half-empty, but cracked.

  Horatio arrived a bit breathless and Dez went to him immediately. “She’s in the recovery room, but we can’t see her just yet. The surgeon said she’s doing great.” Horatio smiled.

  Dez let out another long breath. He looked up at the ceiling, then closed his eyes. The anxiety he’d kept at bay loosened from his nerve endings and flowed out of his fingertips. She was going to be okay.

  He embraced Horatio. But when he let him go and stepped back, the man was frowning. “She is going to be all right, isn’t she?”

  Horatio shifted where he was standing, and said, “The surgeon also told us that the cancer had spread more than the tests had shown. So she’s not out of the woods yet.”

  “Right. But she’s on the path to getting better.” Dez retrieved the bag of food. “You’re probably not hungry now.”

  “You kidding?” Horatio claimed the bag and found his sandwich, unwrapped it and took a big bite. “My little girl is fighting for her life, and she needs me to be there for her.” He eyed Dez. “She needs you, too.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be there for her.”

  Horatio nodded and took another bite.

  * * *

  SOMEONE GET THIS elephant off my chest. I can’t breathe.

  Sherri opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling, uncertain of where she was. She glanced down her body at the flattened chest. Oh, right. Surgery.

  A nurse hurried over to her bedside and checked the readings on the electronic monitor before looking down at her. “How are we feeling?”

  We? There wasn’t a we in this situation. Sherri opened her mouth, but found that her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth. “Thirsty,” she croaked.

  “I can get you some ice chips for now. How would you rate your pain level on a scale of one to ten?”

  Excruciating. Horrible. Like she couldn’t take a deep breath. “Eight.”

  The nurse adjusted something on another machine attached to Sherri by her IV. “I’ll increase this for now and get you some of the good stuff, along with that ice.”

  “My family?”

  “They’ll be able to see you in a little bit.” She adjusted the blankets around Sherri. “I’ll be right back.”

  Sherri kept staring up at the ceiling. Her arms felt too heavy to lift the blanket and look at her new body. She needed to see what now replaced what she’d known and been familiar with. Instead, she let a tear leak from one corner of her eye and trail into her hair. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She wasn’t supposed to be in a hospital bed in pain with a body that had betrayed her and was now foreign. A stranger she had yet to meet.

  The nurse returned and pushed a syringe into her IV. “You should be feeling better in a few minutes.”

  Sherri nodded and sniffled. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay to cry, sweetie. The anesthesia can make you emotional until it’s out of your system. Plus, you’ve been through a major trauma.” The nurse adjusted the bed so that Sherri could sit up a little and placed a cup of ice chips in her left hand. “Chew these. And let me know if you need anything else.”

  Sherri clung to the cup. But what she needed couldn’t be given to her by the nurse or anyone else, though the doctor had tried by removing the cancer. She needed to know that she would be healthy again after all this. That the pain would be temporary, and that she could find a new life, a better one with a new body that had conquered sickness. Maybe what she needed was patience for all of that to happen.

  She took an ice chip from the cup and chewed slowly.

  * * *

  “LOPEZ FAMILY?”

  Dez raised his head and observed the hospital aide standing in the doorway of the waiting room. Sherri’s parents were already gathering their things while Dez remained seated. Perla turned to him. “Aren’t you coming?”

  He shook his head. “It’s just for family.”

  Perla tugged on his arm. “You are family.”

  Dez was taken aback at the sudden swell of emotion that he felt. Family. Something he hadn’t had in a very long time. Yet the Lopezes had come close in the last few years. Inviting him to barbecues and to celebrate the holidays. Feeding him until he couldn’t move. Perla had even knitted him a navy blue scarf that was still his favorite. He rose to his feet and followed them down the hall, like part of the family.

  The aide led them to a big room where a dozen beds hid behind thin individual light green curtains. The aide pushed one curtain back, then left them. Dez paused, unsure of what he’d find lying in the bed. He hung back, allowing Sherri’s parents to surround her.

  Perla finger-combed Sherri’s hair and kissed her forehead. She spoke her name tenderly and reverently, as if a prayer.

  Horatio gripped the bed rails and didn’t say a word. Dez knew what he felt. The woman in the hospital bed resembled Sherri, but it was a version of her that
Dez found frightening. Not the warrior he’d always recognized, but a scarred and emotional weakling who winced with pain and spoke so softly she could barely be heard.

  It wasn’t fair. Dez wanted to punch something because Sherri didn’t deserve this. He clenched his hands into tight fists. If she couldn’t fight, then he would.

  He stepped inside the curtained area and smiled at her. “Some people will use any excuse to get out of softball practice.”

  Her eyes crinkled slightly, and she gave a thin smile. That was his Sherri. She was still in there. “I’m afraid you’ll have to lead the team by yourself this year.”

  “I don’t think so. There’s no reason that you can’t yell orders from the bench.” He tilted his head to the side. “Wait a minute. That sounds like what you always did anyway.”

  “Funny.” Sherri shifted, trying to sit up higher, but then closed her eyes and groaned, as her breaths came out hard and heavy.

  Perla put a hand on Sherri’s. “What is it, mija? Do you need something?”

  “It hurts.”

  He bet it did. “I can get the nurse,” he offered.

  Sherri frowned. “I can’t have any more pain medication for another two hours.” She looked over at her mom. “Should it hurt this much so soon?” She gripped her mom’s hand. “I didn’t think it would be like this.”

  “I’m sure it will get better.” Perla patted her hand. “It has to, right?”

  Sherri burrowed under the blankets. The curtain was swept aside and a nurse gave them a cursory glance before focusing on Sherri. “How’s the pain from one to ten?”

  Sherri moaned. “Still an eight. Why hasn’t it changed?”

  The nurse hustled Perla out of the way so she could check the IV drip and adjusted the speed of the clear liquid running into Sherri’s arm. “They’ve assigned your room, so we’ll be moving you in about twenty minutes. I’ll make sure to tell your floor nurse about your pain levels.” She looked at the Lopezes. “I can give you the room number if you’d like to go out for dinner and return once she’s in her own room.”