Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  Dez didn’t want to leave Sherri’s side. He wanted to be there for her at a moment’s notice. He didn’t need food. He only needed her. He stepped closer to the hospital bed. “You two go on ahead. I’ll stay with her.”

  Perla glanced at Horatio, then Sherri. “Do you want us to leave? Horry, I think we should wait, don’t you? What if she needs something?”

  “Go, Mama. You don’t have to worry. Dez will take care of me.”

  Perla gave a short nod then tucked her hand in Horatio’s before leaving the recovery ward. Dez got a chair and sat at the end of Sherri’s bed. He put a hand on her blanket-covered foot. “Do you need anything?”

  Sherri’s face crumpled, and she broke down in tears. “Oh, Dez. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

  “And how do you know what it was supposed to be like? You’ve never been through it.”

  “They didn’t tell me the pain would be this bad. They said the anesthesia would help keep the pain down the first night, but it feels like a ton of bricks crushing my chest. I don’t know if I can do this.”

  He frowned at her. Who had suddenly inhabited and taken over his best friend? “Now, you listen to me, Sherrita Maria Consuelo Lopez. You are a strong, independent woman who can do anything that she sets her mind to. So you decide right now. Are you going to stay this victim who lets things happen to her or are you going to be that warrior who makes things happen?”

  She wiped at the tears that still fell down her face. “You don’t understand.”

  “I do understand a lot better than you realize. I watched my foster father wither away from the chemo and radiation and all the drug trials that the doctors put him through. But the thing is, he’d given up as soon as he learned it was cancer.” Dez got up and moved in close, staring down at her. Then he kneeled beside her so they could be at eye level. “Are you giving up? Or are you going to fight this pain? Will you succumb to it and let weakness in, or will you use it to get stronger? To build yourself back up?”

  Sherri stared at him hard. “I really hate you right now.”

  “Good.”

  He bristled until she broke into a smile. “You’re the only one I would let talk to me like that.”

  He answered her grin and reached out to cup her cheek. “I’m tough on you because I know you can take it. You’re no crybaby.”

  Her smile faltered, and she reached up to touch his hand. “I’m not quite in any condition to fight just yet.”

  He smiled more. “That’s okay. I’ll get you there.”

  * * *

  LATER, SHE WOKE to find Dez asleep in a chair next to her hospital bed, holding her hand. She watched him. So strong. And so determined to make her whole again. She worried that the whole he envisioned was different from her new reality.

  She’d lost parts of herself in the surgery. She’d always been known for her big chest. Been admired for it. And now, glancing down at the soft mounds underneath the gauze, she would never get that back.

  It was a small thing, really, but at that moment it felt important.

  The door opened and Sherri dropped Dez’s hand as the night nurse swept into the room. The nurse kept his gaze on Sherri. “Pain any better? Keri said you were having a hard time getting ahead of it when you first got here.”

  “It’s not as intense, but it’s still there.”

  “Unfortunately, it’s going to be like that for a while.” He checked the bedside table. “My name is Justin, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Is there anything I can get you? Something to eat or drink? An extra pillow?”

  She glanced down at the beige hose with a red button at the end. “I’m okay for now, but I use this to summon you?”

  Justin laughed at that. “Summon, huh? You’re going to be one of those patients?”

  “Hardly.”

  Justin wrapped the hose around the bed rail so that it wouldn’t fall or get trapped underneath her. “Yes, you can summon me with that button, but please only use it if you have to. You’re one of twenty patients that I’m caring for tonight.” He adjusted her pillows behind her. “I’ll come back in an hour with your next pain injection.”

  Dez stirred and stretched on the chair. She switched her attention from Justin to Dez. “Hey, you should go home. It’s been a long day.”

  “You heard the man. You’re one of twenty patients. I’ve got arms and legs you can use to get whatever you want.”

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “I want to go home. Can you do that?”

  “Nice try.” He stood and stretched some more before taking a short walk around the room, pausing to bend every few steps. “Have you gotten out of that bed at all? Maybe we could get you up and walking down the hallway for a bit.”

  The thought of trying to use her body made her nauseated. She shook her head. “No. Later.”

  April’s voice preceded her. “Actually, your partner makes a good point. The sooner you get mobile, the sooner you can get out of here.” April swept into the room and immediately adjusted the height of the hospital bed so that it was lower to the floor. “Let’s give it a try.”

  Sherri scowled at her. Who did she think she was? She might be a doctor, but she wasn’t assigned to Sherri. “You come to visit, or to torture me? I just got out of surgery.”

  “Perfect time to get up and at ’em.” She glanced over at Dez. “Agent Hottie, you going to stand there, or help me get Sherri to her feet?”

  Dez hesitated, but then walked promptly to the side of the bed. April moved the IV stand so that it stood closer to Sherri. She checked the tubes, then held out a hand to Sherri. “I can give you a boost, but it will hurt less if you do this yourself.”

  Sherri made a face at April. The woman didn’t seem to be joking about her getting out of the hospital bed. “I didn’t ask you to come here.”

  “No, you asked for my support. Well, this is it.” She encouraged Sherri to stand. “Listen, I wish I’d gotten up sooner after my surgery. I know what I’m talking about.”

  She couldn’t get out of this, could she? Sherri scooted to the side of the bed, then moaned as she pulled herself to a sitting position. It felt as if lightning bolts had shot through her armpits. Taking a few deep breaths, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, then placed her feet on the floor. A countdown from ten, then she pushed off the bed. April grasped one arm as Dez took the other, steadying her.

  “You’re doing good so far.” April nodded vigorously. “Let’s just make it to the door the first time.”

  Sherri put one hand on the IV stand and took a step. It hurt to breathe as if she was stuck in a vise. Another step. She swallowed at the bile at the back of her throat. “I feel like a baby learning how to walk.”

  “It’s not as bad as all that. It’s not like you had knee surgery.” April stood back so that Sherri could pass by her as she edged toward the door. “You’re almost there.”

  Sherri calculated the amount of space between her and the door. Six feet, maybe seven. “I can do this.”

  “Yes, you can,” Dez said behind her. “We never doubted it.”

  But she had. At the mere mention of getting out of bed, she thought she would never be able to make it. Yet here she was. Standing on the threshold, looking out into the hallway of the hospital wing. She glanced behind her. “Think I can walk to the nurses’ station?”

  April smiled. “Fantastic idea.”

  “While you ladies take a stroll, I’m going to check in with the office and find the restroom.” Dez put a hand on Sherri’s shoulder. “That’s my fighter.”

  April watched him leave, then turned to Sherri. “What is the deal between the two of you? Just work partners?”

  “Best friends.” And maybe something more. How many of her friends had spent the entire day in a waiting room, then slept in a chair beside her be
d in case she needed something? “I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

  They fell silent as Sherri focused on each step. Once they reached the nurses’ station, she gave a wave to Justin, then turned and started the slow journey back to her room. It took only minutes, but felt like hours. Finally, April helped Sherri get back into bed and made sure she wasn’t lying on an IV tube. Sherri tried to use her arms, but found them stiff.

  “The surgeon cut through your chest muscle, so you’ll need some physical therapy to get back your range of motion. Do things like walking your fingers up the wall. Letting your arm dangle and moving it in circles. They’ll go over all that with you before they send you home.” April took the seat that Dez had vacated. She adjusted the pillow behind her back, then turned to Sherri. “So have you looked yet?”

  Sherri glanced down at the gauze and bandages that covered her chest. “No.”

  “It’s not as scary as you think. Right now everything is red and swollen. But that will go away.” April shrugged. “Some women never look, much less touch. But it’s part of your body now. It’s okay.”

  “I checked those websites you told me about. The ones with the pictures of post-mastectomy women, so that I’d be prepared for what I’d see. But now that it’s time, I don’t know if I can.” Sherri pulled the edge of the sheet up to her chin. “Maybe later.”

  Dez entered the room, followed by Sherri’s parents. “Look who I found wandering the halls.”

  April put an arm on Sherri’s shoulder. “I’ll get out of your hair for now. Page said she’d stop by during her break later tonight. Believe it or not, you’re looking good and on your way to recovering. Don’t get discouraged.” She gave her a quick, light hug then waved to Sherri’s family before leaving.

  Sherri didn’t feel so good, though. Her mom set two plastic containers on the bedside table. “We had dinner at that Italian place you like, and Giuseppe made your favorite.”

  The thought of lobster ravioli didn’t make her stomach growl with anticipation like it usually did. Another change to her life or a temporary side effect of coming down from the anesthesia? Sherri wasn’t sure which.

  Mama held out a container and plastic silverware and napkin to Dez. “He knew your favorite, too.”

  Dez rubbed his hands together. “You do know your way to my heart.” He opened the lid and took an appreciative sniff. “Chicken scallopini.”

  Her dad held up a white paper bag. “And extra garlic bread.”

  Her mom passed her the container with her dinner. “You need to eat, Sherri. You haven’t had anything since last night.”

  She winced at the bitter taste in her mouth. “I’m not hungry.”

  “I can feed you like when you were a baby, or you can be a big girl and eat one bite.” Her mom placed a half ravioli on a plastic fork and held it up to Sherri’s mouth. “You won’t heal if you don’t eat right.”

  Sherri opened her mouth and took a small bite. She chewed it slowly, then swallowed. “Fine.” She took the container and the fork and started feeding herself. Mama smiled. Things were now back to normal, at least in Mama’s world.

  * * *

  DEZ TRIED TO get comfortable in the chair next to Sherri’s bed, careful to not make any noise and wake her. The dark circles under her eyes worried him, but he knew they were only temporary. Once she got some rest, she’d be okay.

  The door to the room opened, and the nurse came in to check on Sherri like he had every two hours throughout the night. He checked her vitals and the levels on her IV before pressing on her shoulder. “Medication time.”

  She yawned and accepted the tiny cup of pills. She shot the meds back, then sipped some water. “What time is it?”

  “Two.” Justin checked her bandages and her drains. “Your surgeon will be in about the same time as your next pain meds.” He secured the straps of the compression bra and pulled the sheet over Sherri’s shoulders.

  “So early?”

  “VanGilder likes to get an early start.” Justin took the empty paper cup “I’ll get you more water. Is there anything else you need?” When Sherri indicated there wasn’t, he turned to Dez. “Sir?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Sherri turned to glare at him. “You should go home.”

  Dez shook his head as Justin left the room. “I’m not leaving. I promised your parents I would stay with you.”

  “I’m not a baby.”

  “I want to help you, so don’t make me leave.” Dez reached over and pushed a strand of her brown hair back behind her ear. “There’s not much I can do, but I can do this. I can be here for you.”

  “But you won’t get much sleep in that chair.”

  “Like you’re doing any better in that bed?” Dez gave a soft laugh, then leaned over her to switch off the light above her head. “Let’s try and get some sleep. That is, if you don’t start snoring again.”

  “I don’t snore.”

  He chuckled at that and settled in the chair, pushing out the leg rest so that it would recline at a slight angle. He crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes.

  “Dez?” Her voice was a whisper in the darkness. “Thank you.”

  He smiled and nestled into the chair. “You’re welcome.”

  He wished that he could do more. He would take the cancer himself, if it meant that she would be healed and whole. There was nothing he wanted more. Unless it was to be a part of her life. She’d said she loved him, but she offered nothing to go with the words. And he would want to have more than words. He wanted her, heart and soul.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  THE THIRD DAY after the operation, the surgeon released her from the hospital. The drive home hurt, as every bump in the road jostled her and caused prickles of pain to make her cranky. Then there were the stairs to her apartment. She normally eschewed the elevator in order to get more exercise, but she could only walk up three steps before conceding defeat.

  Mama followed her, carrying various bags holding the flotsam that would be her world for the next week. Once Mama unlocked the apartment door, Sherri paused before entering. Should she go to the sofa, which was closer, or directly to the bedroom where she’d be more comfortable?

  “Are you going to stand out here all night?”

  Sherri turned, slowly, cautiously, to see Dez carrying more bags. “What are you doing here?”

  “I promised your mother that I’d pick up some groceries. I know how you like to keep your fridge.” He winked at her. “Empty.”

  “I have orange juice,” she argued.

  “I stand corrected.” He shifted his weight and adjusted the bags of food. “Now, are we going inside, or what?”

  “I’m trying to decide where to rest.” She took a few steps so that she was actually inside the apartment. “I want to take some pain pills and then a nap.”

  Mama held out her hands to Dez. “You are a good boy.” She kissed his cheeks loudly, then took the bags from him. “If Sherri was smart, she’d snap you up before someone else did.”

  Sherri groaned. “I told you, Mama, we’re friends.”

  Dez nodded. “Best friends.”

  Sherri smiled at him. “The best.” She took a few more steps, then clasped the back of a dining room chair. “I need to lie down.”

  “Sofa or bed?”

  Sherri looked at the sofa, then shrugged. “Bed.”

  Dez swung her up in his arms, and she grimaced as the prickles of pain made themselves known again. But then he carried her to her bedroom as tenderly as he would a newborn. He gently laid her on the bed, then held up a finger. “Be right back.”

  Sherri pulled the comforter aside and dragged it over her, shoes and all. Dez returned a moment later with two white pills and a large glass of water. “Here.”

  She accepted the pil
ls, but her hand shook as she took several gulps of water from the glass. It dribbled down the sides of her mouth and onto her bright orange hoodie. She gave the empty glass back to Dez. “Thank you.”

  “Do you need anything else?”

  She shook her head. “Just sleep.” She snuggled farther under the covers and closed her eyes. She registered lips on her forehead and then the removal of her shoes before she succumbed to the fatigue that had been following on her heels ever since the hospital.

  * * *

  DEZ SPENT THE weekend checking up on Sherri and returned to work on Monday fearing the sight of her empty desk. While he appreciated that she was on the mend, it was going to be a while before she was back in fighting form.

  He entered the office, carefully balancing his cup of coffee. He collapsed into his desk chair and shifted it to avoid seeing Sherri’s vacant desk.

  The captain’s office door opened. “Jackson. Now.”

  Dez rose to his feet and practically snapped to attention. He hightailed it to the captain’s office and stopped short at the sight of his friend sitting in front of Cap’s desk. “Ras?”

  Miles Rasczynski stood up and slapped hands with Dez before bringing him into a chest bump. “Dez, it’s been a long time.”

  “Last I heard you’re with Homeland Security. What happened to the Corps owning you body and soul?” Ras and Dez had been stationed together with the Marine Corps in Afghanistan. They’d seen some action, which had made them as close as brothers.

  Ras lifted his pant leg to reveal a titanium prosthetic. “Left a part of me in Kabul and the Corps retired me. So I figured protecting our borders at home would be just as important.”

  “If you two are finished flapping your jaws, maybe we can sit down and discuss the business at hand.” Cap took a seat behind his desk. Dez and Ras sat, as well. “Rasczynski has been assigned to our office on a temporary basis, so I figured with Lopez out, I’d partner the two of you up.” Cap handed a file folder to Ras. “Here are copies of the reports on the open cases they’ve been working on. And I’m sure that Jackson could use some fresh insights into the drug raid fiasco.” Cap stood and glared down at them. “I expect results, gentlemen, not excuses. Go get me some answers.”