Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  Dez forgot how much of his life he took for granted. Pete’s greasy spoon was far from four-star dining, but for Luke it was as if they had white tablecloths and fancy china. Pete brought over menus, but Dez waved them away. “We’re here for two of your finest cheeseburgers with the works.”

  Pete dutifully wrote it on an order pad. “We fixed our malted machine if you’re interested in a milk shake.”

  Luke glanced up at Dez, who nodded. “Make mine a vanilla.”

  Luke shook his head. “Chocolate. Please.”

  Pete wrote that down, too, and walked away to put in their orders. Dez noticed Luke as he touched the silverware, the bottles of ketchup and mustard, the tiny packets of jelly stacked in a container. A kid in the candy store had nothing on Luke in a diner. Dez put an arm along the back of the seat. “How’s your mom doing?”

  Luke’s grin faded, and he shrugged. “Okay, I guess. She cried when I told her about graduation.” He fiddled with his fork. “She dropped out at ninth grade, you know?”

  Dez nodded. He also knew that Luke’s mom, Donna, had gone back to get her GED after she’d given birth to him. She was a survivor, much like the scrawny kid in front of him. “She’s proud of you. So am I.”

  Another shrug. “It’s no big deal.”

  Dez leaned down to get into the boy’s line of sight. “Don’t fool yourself. This is only the beginning for you, kid. So why don’t we talk about what’s after high school?”

  Luke screwed his face up. “You talking college? Because that’s not happening for me.”

  “Why not?” Luke had the brains for it as well as the drive to succeed.

  “You need serious cash for that, and I don’t have two dimes.” The boy slumped in the booth. “I’ll probably get a job. Help Mom out with the bills.”

  Luke sounded resigned to his fate, but Dez wanted something more for him. And he had a feeling that Luke did, too. “Is that what you really want?”

  “Since when does what I want mean something?”

  Dez couldn’t help it; his anger sprang forward. “Don’t talk like that! There’s no limit to what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it.”

  “Right.”

  If the kid’s eyes rolled any more, they’d fall out and spin around the floor. Dez decided to take another tack. “What about your friends? What are they doing after high school?”

  “You mean those who are actually graduating?” He gestured as if he didn’t care. “Working. Hanging out with their baby mamas.”

  “And you want to be like them?”

  Luke leaned back in the booth and stared out the window, avoiding Dez’s eyes. “I know what you’re trying to do, Dez. But I don’t have a lot of options like you did.”

  That was where he was wrong. “I wasn’t much different from you at your age. Tall and skinny. I had no money. No family except for my foster dad. And no plans beyond surviving that day without getting my butt beat. Options weren’t exactly lying around waiting for me to pick them up off the street.”

  Luke turned back, nodding. “And then you joined the marines.”

  He said it as if he’d heard the story many times before, but Dez needed him to hear it with a new perspective. “Yes. I joined the Corps. And suddenly, doors opened for me.”

  Luke raised his head and looked at him fully in the face. “And they paid for your college?”

  Dez nodded and let it sink in. “What would you like to do, if there were no obstacles? If there was nothing to hold you back?”

  Luke shrugged and looked out the window again. A world of worries rested in the gaze he kept on the parking lot even as Pete brought their shakes. He also put a metal tumbler in front of Luke. “I accidentally made more than what would fit in the glass.”

  Luke thanked Pete, then peeled the wrapper off a straw. He placed it in the shake and sucked down about an inch. He winced and put a hand to his forehead. “Brain freeze.”

  Dez smiled and took smaller sips of his own milk shake. His phone buzzed, and he glanced at the screen. A text from Sherri. He swiped to read the full message.

  Need your help. You free?

  Eating dinner with Luke.

  After?

  Sure. What do you need?

  A new body. Ha-ha. I’ll settle for yours.

  Dez felt a fine line of perspiration form above his lip. She wanted his body?

  Luke tried to read Dez’s screen. “Your girlfriend?”

  Dez was the one to shrug this time. “My friend who is a girl, yes. She needs my help with something.”

  “Oh.” Luke played with the straw wrapper. “That mean we gotta leave now?”

  Dez texted back that he would come over after they’d eaten dinner. “And miss our burgers? Sherri understands the needs of a man’s stomach.”

  When Pete brought their meals to the table, Dez ordered another burger and fries to go for Sherri. He might as well feed her on top of whatever help she needed.

  * * *

  SHERRI FROWNED AT the box on a shelf at the top of the coat closet, trying to figure out how to get it down without injuring herself or what was inside. They must have forgotten this one when they’d been rearranging her space.

  A knock on the front door told her the cavalry had arrived. She opened the door and paused at the sight of two men. “You brought company.”

  Dez handed her a plastic container. “And dinner.” He stepped inside, then turned to the young man. “Come on in, she won’t bite.”

  Sherri held out her free hand. “You must be Luke.”

  He shook it with surprising firmness. “And you’re Sherri. Sorry about the cancer.”

  He’d told him? She shot Dez a look but he was scoping out the kitchen. “What did you need me to do?” he asked her.

  She pointed to the box in her coat closet. “I still can’t raise my arms that high. Besides, it definitely weighs more than a gallon of milk.”

  Luke scrunched up his eyebrows. “Why does it matter how much milk weighs?”

  “It’s about five pounds, which is the most I’m allowed to lift right now.”

  Dez grabbed the box from the shelf and carried it to the kitchen counter. He groaned. “Did you pack bricks in there?”

  She gave a sigh, some from relief, more from pleasure. “Thanks. I needed something in here.”

  She lifted the lid, and both Dez and Luke peered at the contents. DVDs, CDs and books filled the box. She lifted out the movie she’d been thinking about earlier and clasped it to her chest. Dez looked questioningly at her. “A cartoon?”

  “It’s a classic film about the imagined life of toys.” She gave a shrug. “It always cheers me up.”

  Luke peered at her, and she had the feeling that the young man had eyes that didn’t miss anything. “I remember that movie. Does it help if you’re feelin’ sad?”

  “It does. A little. I need something simple to entertain and uplift me.”

  “A lot of fancy words in that sentence.” The boy turned to Dez. “So we helped her. Can we go?”

  Dez held up a finger to signal they should wait. “This was all you needed?” he asked her.

  Sherri pointed at the container. “Movie and a dinner. What more could I want?” He watched her, and she tried not to squirm under such close observation. “Unless you want to join me? I could use the company.”

  He glanced at Luke. “I’ve got to get him home before his mom starts worrying, but I can come back.”

  She shook her head and waved his offer off as if everything was fine. When they’d worked together so intimately, she never thought about having to say goodbye to him every day. But now that she was home alone, she craved time with Dez. Not that she could tell him such things. “I’ll be okay. Thanks for the food.” She reached up and kissed him on the cheek,
then to Luke she held out her hand. “Nice to finally meet you.”

  He gave her a polite smile. “You, too. Good luck with the cancer.”

  “Thanks.” She showed them out.

  * * *

  LUKE SHOOK HIS head at Dez, admonishing him, as he fastened his seat belt. “I thought you said you two were just friends? How are you not hitting that?”

  Dez kept his eyes on the parking lot behind him as he backed out of the space. “First of all, don’t talk like that about women. And second, what are you talking about?”

  “She called you over just to get a movie from a box? Please.”

  Dez turned and looked at the boy, but he couldn’t understand the words. “I told you we’re friends.”

  “Mmm-hmm. Listen, I’m no genius, but that girl wanted you bad. And you blew her off like she meant nothing.”

  His relationship with Sherri was built on honesty. She would have insisted he stay if she’d really wanted him to. And he never would have dismissed her as if it meant nothing. “I didn’t blow her off.”

  “She played it like she was okay with you leaving. But trust me she wants you to come back.”

  Dez shook his head, amazed that the teen had noticed so much in so little time. “How do you know this?”

  The boy gave a half shrug. “I’ve watched my mom with guys. She thinks I’m too young to notice stuff, but I’ve got eyes. I know how she plays the game.”

  “Sherri isn’t playing anything.”

  “Maybe I’m wrong, then.”

  “We’re just friends.” He said the words, but something in his gut told him that wasn’t quite true.

  He dropped Luke off at his apartment, then started the drive back to his own place. He was a mile from home when he took a hard left turn and drove back toward Sherri’s apartment. He stopped at the store and bought ice cream, then parked in the lot. When he got to her door, he raised his hand to knock, but paused. Was Luke right about Sherri wanting more from him than friendship? Could he really have what he most wanted? Only one way to find out.

  She answered the door and smiled when she saw him. “You came back.”

  She genuinely looked as if she was happy to see him. Words got stuck in his throat, and he stared at her openmouthed before thrusting the ice cream into her hands. “Yes. I did.”

  Oh, that was smooth. He followed her inside and into the kitchen, where she pulled out spoons and handed one to him. “You don’t have to keep buying me ice cream.”

  He flipped the spoon between his fingers. “I couldn’t think of anything else.”

  He took a spoonful of ice cream when she held out the open carton to him. He pondered Luke’s words again as he looked at her, wanting to ask her, afraid of her answer. She brushed past him to return to the living room sofa and the television where the movie had been paused. She patted the spot beside her. If that wasn’t an invitation, he’d eat the cardboard container rather than the ice cream.

  He sat next to her, and she turned the movie back on. She snuggled into the sofa and pulled a thin cotton blanket over her shoulders. He helped her adjust the blanket around her. “Are you cold?”

  “Ever since the surgery, I seem to get chilly a lot. I’ve taken to having a blanket next to the sofa just for these moments.”

  Dez opened his arms and pulled her to his side. “Here. I’ll warm you up.”

  She opened her mouth, and he hoped it wasn’t to protest. But she gave in and settled beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. They ate from the ice cream container and watched the movie. They didn’t require any words. Being together like this was enough.

  For now.

  As the film ended, Sherri sighed. “Thanks for being such a good friend. I didn’t know how to tell you how much I needed you here tonight.”

  A good friend. Right.

  Dez swallowed the disappointment. “I’ve always told you I’m here for you. Even when you say you don’t need me.”

  She looked up at him, and he noticed that she had a smear of chocolate on one side of her mouth. He reached out with his pinkie and wiped it away. Sherri’s tongue came out between her lips and followed the trail his finger had made. He stared at her mouth, shook his head and cleared his throat. “Sorry. You had some ice cream just there.”

  “Oh.”

  The moment expanded as they looked at each other. He wanted to kiss her then, but she seemed scared. She hurriedly got up from the sofa and retreated to the kitchen. She came back with a paper in her hands and gave it to him. “Can I ask another favor?”

  She could ask for the moon if she wanted to, and he would find a way to get it for her. “You ask a lot.”

  She chuckled, and he longed to kiss the smile on her face. “And this is a big ask.”

  “Whatever you need.”

  She pointed to the paper. “Be my date to my cousin’s wedding next month.”

  “Date?” He read the invitation over, hoping that his heart would start again. Could she be asking what he thought she was? Had she finally seen him as a man and not just a friend? Or would she insist that nothing had changed between them when he couldn’t deny that everything had?

  She elbowed him in the chest, and he rubbed the spot though it hadn’t hurt. “You know what I mean.”

  Unfortunately, he did know. He felt as if they were on a roller coaster where in one minute he thought she wanted more, then in the next she insisted on being just friends. He tried to keep the regret from his voice. “I’d be happy to go with you.”

  She reached up and touched her scalp. “Even if I’m bald by then?”

  He tried to think of something to say, but there seemed to be more going on than what he could put into words. He reached out and touched her hair. “I told you. We’ll be a matching set.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  SHERRI PULLED THE bright orange hoodie on, then zipped it up the front. It was her favorite, and she needed things she loved, especially today, her first day of chemotherapy. She put on a pair of jean shorts and slipped into flip-flops before grabbing the tote bag with items that April had suggested. She double-checked everything. Puzzle book. People magazine. iPod filled with her favorite songs and earbuds. She’d grab two bottles of water from the fridge on her way out.

  The doorbell rang, and she left her bedroom and walked down the hall. She put the tote bag on one of the kitchen stools and checked her watch. Mama was early. She opened the door and stared at Dez filling the door frame. “I made arrangements with the captain to go with you to your first appointment today.”

  “You didn’t have to do that.” But she was glad he had. Having him there would help calm her and bolster her spirits.

  “I know, but that’s what friends do.”

  Right. Friends. There was a time last week in Dez’s car when she’d been sure he’d been feeling something more, and then again, when they’d watched that movie, but he hadn’t said a word, so she hadn’t, either. She ran a hand through her hair and pulled it to fall over one shoulder. “Mama will be here in a few.”

  “Did you eat breakfast?”

  She shook her head. The thought of food made her belly jump and roll as if she stood on the deck of a ship in rough waters. “Too nervous. I’ll probably regret it later.” She went to the fridge and pulled out the bottles of water and put them in her tote bag. “I just don’t know what to expect.”

  “Didn’t your cancer friends have any advice?”

  She raised an eyebrow at this. “Cancer friends?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  She thought back to the dinner conversation with Page and April. “My reaction to chemo could be different than theirs,” she reminded herself and explained to him.

  She played with the handles of the tote bag until Dez reached over and put his hands on hers. She
looked up at him, and he brought her into a hug. “It’s going to be okay,” he said. “I have faith in you.”

  Sherri brought her arms around him and let him hold her. Closing her eyes to savor this feeling, she felt as if his strength was transferring from his body to hers. They stayed entwined until a knock at the door broke them apart.

  Sherri let Mama in, who didn’t seem surprised to see Dez there. He leaned down to kiss Mama’s cheek. “I’ll have to take my own car, since I’ll have to leave for work right from the hospital after Sherri’s appointment.”

  Mama nodded, walked to Sherri and put a hand on her cheek. “Ready, mija?”

  No, not at all. But she followed them out of her apartment. She didn’t remember if she locked the apartment door, though she was sure she had. Just like she didn’t remember walking down the stairs and getting into Mama’s car, but they had arrived at the hospital and gone down the hall to the chemotherapy ward.

  Sherri signed in on the clipboard by the nurses’ station, then joined Mama and Dez in the waiting room. She flipped through one of the magazines while she waited for her name to be called, but she couldn’t focus on any of the articles. Her mind raced with possibilities. Catastrophes. Fears and worries. What if she breezed through this? She might be one of those patients who handled chemo really well. Or she could be like Page and have horrible reactions to the poisons they pumped into her body. She’d lose all her hair. Lose too much weight.

  What if she died?

  A door opened, and a nurse in pastel yellow scrubs called Sherri’s name. She rose; so, too, did Mama and Dez, and they trailed the nurse to a cubicle with a lounger attached to an IV stand. Sherri glanced at the IV bags already hanging on the stand and winced. She hated needles, though this experience had made her less fearful of them. She’d already been poked enough times to feel like a pincushion.

  Sherri sat in the chair, and the nurse took her vitals. “I’m going to give you several injections before we start the first IV.”

  She nodded and looked away, wincing as she felt the needle pierce her skin. Then the nurse was hooking up the IV to the port near her clavicle that the doctor had inserted earlier that week in order to protect her veins from collapsing during the course of treatment. And then the first bag started emptying into her body. She tried to distract herself with another magazine.