Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  * * *

  LEATHER HIT LEATHER as the softball team warmed up for practice. One line of players threw the ball across to others, then back as Dez scanned his clipboard, deciding who would be playing what position. It was the first practice for the summer league of Border Patrol agents. He’d hoped that Sherri would at least show up to prove to the rest of the team that she was going to be okay. Instead, her absence seemed to be felt by each player. They glanced at every car that pulled into the parking lot, but none were hers. His eyes drifted to the rows of cars beyond the ball field.

  “All right, everyone. Bring it in!” He clapped his hands as they neared. He looked around the huddle. “You all know Sherri is going to be out this season, so I’m looking for a cocaptain to assist me.”

  A hand shot up. Perkins. That surprised him since he didn’t really know the guy that well. “How is she doing?”

  Oh. “She’s recovering from surgery and will be going through chemo soon. So please keep her in your prayers and thoughts.”

  Another hand. “Does she need anything?”

  Good question. How do you help someone who didn’t want it? “You’d have to ask her.” He looked around the group. “Now, who is willing to help me manage this team for the next three months?”

  “I could give a hand.”

  Everyone turned and shouted as Sherri joined them. She gave some hugs to people who approached her. She pulled her baseball hat around so that the bill stuck out in back. “I checked with the head of the league, and I don’t have to play in the field in order to cocaptain as long as we have enough team members without me.”

  As much as he wanted her to be here, what would it be like once she started chemo? What if being around all these people made her sicker? There were possible complications from the treatment. The chemo attacking the cancer cells would also decimate her immune system. She’d be susceptible to the simplest germ. Dez shook his head. “Maybe that’s not the best idea.”

  “Dez, I checked it out. I’ll be able to sit on the bench and still help you.” She put her hands on her hips. “We have plenty of players on the roster.”

  “Let’s run bases and then we’ll have batting practice.” He pointed to Sherri as everyone glanced at each other, then left the two of them. “I really wanted you to be here tonight since you’re feeling well, but what if you take a turn for the worse? I’m going to have to put my foot down. Sorry, but I’m not convinced this is for the best.”

  “Of course it is. I need this.”

  “No, what you need is to take care of yourself.”

  She touched his arm, and he tried to ignore the tingle it brought. “Me sitting on the bench isn’t going to hurt.”

  “Once you start chemo, your immune system will be compromised, and you’re going to surround yourself with a bunch of germy people?” He shook his head again. That wasn’t going to happen. Not on his watch.

  “I also checked with my doctor, who agreed that me being involved with an activity like this would help me rather than do me harm. Dez, you’re overreacting again.”

  He put a hand on her shoulder, and she backed away from him so that his arm fell to his side. “I can’t let you do this.”

  Her eyes flashed with anger. “Let me? Last I checked I still have a choice about what I do with my life. You don’t get a say.”

  “Why do you have to be so stubborn?”

  The words came out louder than he’d intended, and some of the runners paused to look at them. He closed his eyes and scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “Sherri, please be reasonable. I’m trying to protect you.”

  “I don’t need protection.”

  “Obviously you do. You’re about to throw away your health for a few lousy ball games?”

  “This is about more than a game.” She grabbed his wrist with one hand. “I told you before that I need to have some kind of normal. Please. If it gets to be too much, then we can find a replacement.” She put her other hand on his chest. “Dez, please.”

  He couldn’t resist the look in her eyes, the pleading that poured out of them. Having her in his sights, he realized that he couldn’t deny her this small thing. “Fine. But if at any point, it becomes too much for you to handle or you’re too sick, then you’re out.”

  She gave a smile. “Agreed.”

  He let out a sigh and thrust the clipboard at her. “I made a list about who’s playing which position, but I’m sure you’ll have your own ideas.”

  She looked down and grimaced at his handwriting. “You bet I do. You run the practice, and I’ll fix this mess.”

  “It isn’t that bad.”

  She raised one eyebrow at this, then walked to the bench. Dez took the field and called everyone to home base. “Okay, Sherri will be cocaptain as much as she can. Please be careful around her. She’s still fragile.”

  “No, I’m not!” she shouted from the sidelines.

  He ignored her and lowered his voice so that only his teammates could hear him. “She’s also very determined to do this. Okay, Perkins, you’ll lead us off. Grab a bat and you’ll be followed by Sara. Sherri’s got everyone’s positions, so check with her and let’s have a good practice.”

  * * *

  SHERRI YAWNED AND leaned against the wall of the dugout. She closed her eyes for a moment. She felt a hand on her forehead and opened her eyes to find Dez scrutinizing her. “You’re warm.”

  “It’s a hot June day and we’ve been out here for over two hours. Of course I’m warm.”

  Dez stood and started toward the field. “I’m calling practice and you’re going home.”

  She jumped up, shaking her head. She approached him and put a hand on his arm to hold him back. “I closed my eyes for one minute. I’m okay.”

  He called the team in and sent everyone home with reminders about the next practice and the date of their first game. Sherri started to gather the equipment that littered the dugout. She waved at several people who called out goodbyes, then waited for Dez, who retrieved the bases and added them to the bag he was carrying.

  He hefted the heavy bag over his shoulder and motioned with his head to the parking lot. Sherri fell into step behind him, carrying the clipboard and a small bag of softballs. She’d needed to prove that she was still the same strong warrior he’d always known. Cancer wasn’t going to change her. But would he listen?

  When they reached their cars, Dez unloaded the equipment bag into the back of his truck and took the bag of balls from her. He unlocked the door and stood there, the sun setting behind him, lining his features in golden shadows. She opened her mouth to tell him what she’d been thinking, but she changed her mind when her gaze met his.

  He coughed and cleared his throat. “I guess I’ll see you before your first chemo appointment in a few days.”

  She left him and started to walk toward her car. Hearing him call her name, she stopped and he narrowed the gap between them. “I don’t know if this is the best idea for you, but if your doctor gave his approval, then I’m on board. I guess. But I mean it. If it gets to be too much, then you’re out. Got it?”

  “I needed this tonight, Dez. I needed to be around people who are living their lives like they always do. Because I don’t have that right now.” She glanced away, upset that her eyes burned with tears that she refused to show or let fall.

  She had to be strong. If only to prove to herself and not just Dez that she was still tough. “I don’t like anything about my life right now and it felt good to escape that for a couple of hours.”

  “You can’t escape your own life, Ace. You need to face it and fight.”

  Isn’t that what she was doing by trying to hang on to some normalcy? To tell the cancer that it might take her breasts, but it wouldn’t change her? That she was still Sherri, cocaptain of the softball team and strong warrior? But she took a brea
th and smiled at his admonition. “You always have to have the last word. Even when we’re talking about my life.”

  He put both hands on her shoulders. “I’m overprotective. I get that. But it’s because I care so much. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

  She gazed into his eyes and swallowed. The pain staring back at her looked much like how she felt. She didn’t know how she could survive losing him, either. “I’ll be careful. I promise.”

  “I’m holding you to that.” He pulled her in for a hug and rested his head on top of hers. “Take care of yourself, Ace.”

  “You got it, Captain.”

  He kissed the top of her head, turned and strode to his truck.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  SHERRI DRESSED AS if she was really going to work: cream-colored silk sleeveless blouse and navy skirt with heels. She decided to forgo makeup and let her hair hang down her back.

  She made coffee and filled the travel mug—part of her usual morning routine—and headed out the door, purse over her shoulder, gun holstered to her side.

  When she arrived at the office, the captain didn’t seem surprised to see her. Actually, her appearance seemed to put a touch of wariness in his expression as if he’d been expecting this fight. She strode into his office and shut the door behind her. “We need to talk.”

  He looked her over and shook his head. “No.”

  “You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.”

  Cap stared at her, one eyebrow raised. “You’re not coming back on duty unless you’re sitting at a desk. You’ve only been out three weeks, and you still have three more to go.”

  Sherri pouted and slumped into the chair before his massive oak desk. She watched him as he examined something on his computer screen. She gathered her courage, leaned forward and tapped one finger on the desk. “You need me out there.”

  “No,” Cap said, never taking his eyes off the screen. “I need you healthy and alive. And you’ll do what I tell you to do. And do you know why? Because I’m the boss. Not you.”

  “You know, I’ve always assumed I’d have your job one day.” She figured that another five years of exemplary service, and she would be in line for a promotion. But if cancer took her out for a few months, would that affect her career in the long-term? Would she lose another piece of herself to this disease?

  “There’s no reason you still can’t,” he said. The captain stood and came around the desk and sat on the edge. “This is just a temporary setback, Lopez. I have you on the schedule starting in a few weeks once your surgeon approves it, and not a day before. You’ll be on desk duty until further notice.”

  She made a face at this. “I’m better than desk duty.”

  “That may be, but you’re not cleared to be out in the field right now.” He returned to sit behind his desk. “Dez says that he’s been feeding you his notes, trying to get your perspective.”

  She hoped she hadn’t gotten Dez in trouble by asking him to keep her in the loop. “Is that an issue?”

  “Why would it be? We need to find out who betrayed us and almost got you killed before it happens again. You’re my best agent, and I do need you on that case. Even if it’s from behind a desk.”

  She gave him a weak smile and tapped her foot rapidly on the carpet. “It’s not fair.”

  “Life’s not fair, Lopez.” The captain went back to looking at his computer screen. He asked, “Now, is there more to this social call, or can I get on with my work?”

  Sherri rose and crossed her arms over her chest, ignoring the twinge of pain caused by her scars. “I will be back.”

  He looked up at her. “I’m counting on it.”

  She left his office and stopped at Dez’s desk, but it was empty, as was hers. He must be out on a call with his partner. She grabbed a Post-it note and wrote a quick couple of words, then placed it in the center of his computer screen. At her desk, she ran a hand along the cold, empty surface. Promising she’d be back soon, she hurried from the station and drove toward the hospital to meet April and Page for lunch.

  The Chinese restaurant next to the hospital was packed, but Sherri was able to snag a table before her friends showed. Page walked in first, and Sherri stood and waved her over. The ob/gyn nurse in pastel pink scrubs huffed as she took a seat and slipped off her pink zebra print surgical cap to reveal her bald head. “Someday, this job will kill me.”

  April arrived and put her hand on Page’s shoulder. “You have hormonal mothers. I have knife-wielding patients off their bipolar meds.”

  Page looked up at April. “Are we really going to compare jobs?”

  April screwed up her face in thought, then broke into a smile. “No, because I’d win hands down. Every time.”

  Page groaned and opened the menu, muttering under her breath about the egos of some doctors. Sherri opened her own menu to hide her smile at the way these friends teased each other. She knew what she was going to order, so she put her menu down and sipped her ice water.

  April seemed to be studying her. “You’re looking really good.”

  “That’s because I haven’t started chemo yet,” Sherri replied and fiddled with her silverware. She didn’t know why it was so hard to talk about this, but suddenly the topic of her cancer seemed taboo. Almost as if it embarrassed her.

  April reached over and touched her hand. “Come on, it’s okay, whatever it is you’re feeling.”

  Sherri gave a half-hearted shrug. “Talking won’t change anything.”

  April shook her head, her short curls moving in motion. “Of course it doesn’t change anything, but it might make you feel better. When I first got diagnosed, I visited the Hope Center to get information, but I stayed on because of the camaraderie between the women who had been there before me. They helped me by opening up about their own experiences and allowing me to share about mine. I left feeling a little more confident, less scared about what lies ahead.”

  All Sherri felt was fear. Confidence had disappeared with her diagnosis; she searched daily to find the strength to move on. “And what does lie ahead?”

  “A lot of vomit.” Page looked up from her menu with an expression that gave her words gravity. “No hair. Runny nose. Weird rashes, although that will probably come later with the radiation.”

  April swatted at her friend. “So much for making her less scared, Page.”

  “She needs to know the truth.” Page turned back to Sherri. “But the truth is, it won’t be like you’re imagining. You’ve got all these worst-case scenarios in your head right now. But I’m telling you that reality will be much different.”

  “Better?” Sherri certainly hoped so, since what she imagined was pretty awful.

  Page shrugged. “Not better. Just different. This is my second time through this cancer, and I can honestly say that each time was unique. You don’t know what to expect, so don’t. Go with whatever happens.”

  That didn’t sound very reassuring, unfortunately. The waiter arrived to take their orders, so the conversation shifted. While Page spoke to the server, April reached across the table and touched Sherri’s hand again. The small kindness wasn’t lost on Sherri. “Page hasn’t had it easy, so she’s a little harsh.”

  “Little?” Page made a noise with her mouth that expressed her disgust. “I don’t do anything halfway.”

  April smiled. “Okay, a lot harsh. But she knows what she’s talking about.” When the waiter left, she brought out a bright pink gift bag from beneath the table and handed it to Sherri. “This is from the two of us. Like a goody bag to help you with chemo.”

  Sherri peered inside the bag and gasped. She pulled out a soft yellow blanket and rubbed her cheek against it. “I love it.”

  “In case the chemo room is cold.”

  Page gave a snort. “And it will be. Guaranteed. No matter ho
w many times you ask them to raise the temperature.”

  Sherri also found socks, lip balm, peppermint hard candies, lotion and a selection of magazines and crossword puzzles in the goody bag. “This is great. Thank you both.”

  April gave a satisfied smile. “There are more things we can recommend, but these items are the fun ones to pick out.”

  From the bottom of the bag, Sherri pulled out a cloth journal with a pink ribbon drawn on the front. “To write that book I’ve always meant to?”

  “To help you find the words about what you’re going through.” When Page groaned, April frowned at her. “I know you think it’s all part of my mumbo jumbo, Page, but it really helped me get through my treatment.” She yanked a similar journal from her purse. “It was hard to put what I was feeling onto these pages when I started out, but it began to comfort me as I wrote things down. As if I wasn’t alone and I’d have something of me to leave behind if the worst happened.” She ran a hand over its cover. “I learned a lot about myself. And if cancer has a positive side, then that was mine.” Sherri could see a glistening in April’s eyes. “Maybe it will help you, too.”

  “Thank you.” Sherri put all of the items back in the gift bag, knowing she’d never received such a treasure. One that was sure to keep giving in the weeks and months to come.

  * * *

  DEZ DRIBBLED THE basketball, then passed it to Luke. The boy pivoted and made a perfect three-point shot at the basket. He held up his hands in victory. “That’s two, old man. You owe me dinner.”

  Dez lifted one eyebrow. “We’ve moved from ice cream to dinner?”

  “I schooled you on this court, so I’m thinking that I deserve a burger and fries.”

  Luke watched him, his eyes daring him to refuse him. Dez rubbed his sweaty head with his shirt then put it back on. “Sounds like a plan.”

  Dez drove them to a place near his own neighborhood where they knew him by name since he ate there so often. He signaled to the owner, Pete, for two ice waters and chose a corner booth and slid in. Luke sat across from him and glanced around the half-empty diner. “This is a nice place.”