Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  The kid said it as if it meant little to him and even threw in a shrug. Dez knew, however, how much the kid really wanted him to show at the ceremony. “I’ll be there.” He glanced at Luke. “So what comes after graduation?”

  The boy gave another shrug. “Mom’s on my case about getting a job that pays more than minimum wage. A buddy of mine has a lead on a job with a company that supplies engine parts for the Big Three, but...” He looked down at his hands and sighed. “Is that what my life is going to become? Working in a factory eight, ten hours a day and bringing home a paycheck?” The kid said it as if it were a death sentence.

  Dez punched his fist into his mitt and bent the stiff leather fingers. “It’s one option. But what do you want?”

  “I don’t want to be stuck in a dead end for the rest of my life.” Luke focused in on him. “I’ve been thinking about what you said about joining the marines. You were able to learn things, go places you might not otherwise, and then you got a college degree on top of that. Could I do that, too?”

  Dez raised an eyebrow at this. “You’re thinking of the Corps?”

  Luke ducked his head. “Army, actually. My math teacher, Mr. Hicks, said I’ve got a mind for cryptography. Then I could study math and science in college and see where it leads.” He gave a lopsided grin. “That sounds awfully good to me.”

  Sounded like a solid plan to Dez. The kid had potential, and he hated to see it wasted. “What does your mom say about that plan?”

  “She’s happy I’m graduating because it means I can work more and give her more money. But when do I get to choose what I want?”

  “I’m not saying you’re in a tough spot, but she’s afraid of losing you.” Before Luke could object, he continued. “Not your paycheck. You. The military isn’t an easy life, but it made me the man I am and for that I’ll always be grateful.”

  “I want the same chances. Why can’t she see that?”

  She probably did, but she also saw her only son drifting away from her into a harsh world. “Because she’s worried that you’ll get sent to war. And I’ll be honest, there’s always the chance that that could happen.”

  Luke peered at him. “But you made it through.”

  “By the skin of my teeth. Death came close too many times.” He put a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Are there some things I wish I could unsee? Sure. Things I did that I wish could have gone differently? Absolutely. But it was worth every minute. Want me to talk to your mom? See if I can help a brother out?”

  Luke nodded vigorously. “That would be great. Me and her only fight when I bring it up.”

  “She’s your mom, so she’s allowed to worry about you, your future.”

  “Like you’re allowed to worry about your girlfriend.”

  Dez turned to Luke, who waggled his eyebrows and smiled, showing all his teeth. Dez ruffled the kid’s hair. “You don’t know when to quit.”

  “Sure I do. But not about this. You love her. Admit it.”

  “Doesn’t matter what I feel, kid.” He groaned and pushed off the bench. “Come on. Let’s go talk to your mom about the benefits of the military.”

  * * *

  SHERRI OPENED ONE eye and noticed that it was dark again. She did a crunch and sat up in bed. She snapped on the light on her nightstand. The digital clock read quarter past two. Great. And she was wide awake. She really needed to get this sleeping thing under control.

  She picked up the new book from the nightstand, then turned to adjust her pillows behind her back. Several strands of hair rested on the topmost pillow. She gasped and reached up to touch her scalp. Her hand came away with more strands of hair.

  It was starting.

  She closed her eyes, shook her head. No. Too soon. She needed to ease into this, not start by losing clumps of hair. She left the book on the bed and got up and walked across the hall to the bathroom. She leaned forward over the sink to peer into the mirror. She turned one way, then the other and noticed a lot of hair in her hairbrush. That morning she had hoped it was normal hair loss, not this. That she could somehow skip this part of the process. It didn’t look as if she’d be so lucky.

  She bit her lip to keep from crying. She was a strong, independent woman who didn’t need hair to make her feel beautiful or special. She nodded, studying herself in the mirror. Right.

  Right?

  She snapped off the light and returned to her bedroom, took her cell phone off the charger and dialed his number without thinking of the time. It rang, then went to voice mail. She hung up. What was she supposed to say in a voicemail message? “I’m freaking out because I’m losing my hair?”

  Well, that didn’t sound too bad, but she couldn’t saddle him with her problems.

  Her phone buzzed. Dez. “Did you call?” His voice was gruff, still full of sleep.

  “Sorry, I know it’s late.” She shouldn’t have called. Should have waited. It wasn’t as if this was an emergency that she absolutely needed him for. It was minor. Just hair.

  “What’s wrong? Do you need to go to the hospital?”

  “What? No.” She knew she was being silly. Small and petty to mourn the loss of her hair. “I wanted to talk to somebody.”

  She could hear his sigh come over the phone. “Good. I was afraid something bad had happened.” He yawned loudly. “What’s wrong?”

  Something bad had happened. Would keep happening until she was left bald. She reached up, but was afraid to touch her scalp. “My hair’s starting to fall out.”

  Silence. She wondered if he’d fallen back asleep. Then he sighed. “You knew this day was coming.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t think it would be this traumatic.” She picked up the hair from the top of her pillow. “This feels almost as bad as when I found out I had cancer.”

  “You’re being overly dramatic, Sherri. It’s only hair. You’ll survive this.”

  She tilted her head back to lean against the bed frame. “I know. So why do I feel like bawling my eyes out?”

  “Because you’re going through some major stuff right now. And it’s just one more thing on top of everything else.” He paused. “Do you want me to come over? I’ll let you cry as much as you want on my shoulder.”

  Tempting, very much so. But she shouldn’t depend on him so much. He was a friend and partner. Things like this were reserved for family members. Boyfriends. Husbands. And yet, she knew she could trust him with this. If she asked him to, he would be there in minutes. “No, you sleep. You’re right. I’ll be fine. Sorry I woke you up.”

  “You know you can call me anytime.”

  She did know. And the thought made her lips smile and her heart warm.

  CHAPTER NINE

  SHERRI’S CHOICES FOR an outfit for the wedding had dwindled to something she could either button up or step into. And while that described her work clothes to a tee, there remained nothing that would be appropriate for Lulu’s big day. She called Mama, who agreed they both needed something new for the wedding and would pick her up to go to the mall that afternoon. The thought of walking store to store made her more tired than she already was. But it was a necessary evil.

  It had been four days since her second chemo appointment, and like clockwork, Sherri had noticed more clumps of hair in the tub and her hairbrush. Maybe it was time to shave it all off. She reached up and fingered the silky strands that still remained. She hated to see them go, but she would lose them no matter what she chose. Better to do it on her terms than wait until the inevitable.

  Mama picked her up, and they drove out to a megamall in the suburbs of Detroit. A beautiful sunny June day, but Sherri wore a long-sleeve top and jeans since she felt cold. She’d put on a baseball cap to disguise her thinning hair. Mama pulled into the valet parking, Sherri turned to look at her. She gave a shrug. “Why not? We deserve it.”

&nbs
p; What Sherri knew but Mama didn’t say was that Sherri tired easily and wouldn’t be able to walk from the parking structure to the mall in one go. She didn’t protest, but let the valet open the passenger-side door for her and stepped out as if she had been born to this life. She waited while her mom got the ticket for the car. Mama placed it in her purse, then rubbed her hands together. “Where do we want to start?”

  They had parked on the north side of the mall, so they began their search at the closest department store. As they walked between the cosmetic and perfume counters to get to the dresses, Sherri held her breath. The flowery fumes made her head ache and her stomach nauseous. Once in the middle of the dress racks, she took a deep breath and swallowed to keep her lunch where it belonged. Mama strolled among the racks and stopped at one, choosing a soft blue material. She pulled the dress out and placed it against Sherri. “What do you think of this one?”

  Sherri glanced down and shrugged. “It’s okay.”

  Mama put it back on the rack, and they moved closer to the center where a large rounder advertised a sale. She started to search while Sherri pushed hangers across the rack, but nothing appealed. In the past, she’d hated clothes shopping because she’d been busty, which made tops hang strangely on her frame. Now she didn’t have that excuse, still, she didn’t enjoy the experience.

  Mama picked out a sleeveless dress in an emerald green and laid it against Sherri’s body. “This is a good color on you.”

  Sherri took the dress and returned it to the rack. “No sleeveless. I don’t want anyone to see my scars.”

  “The only one who’d see them would be you. I don’t even notice them.”

  Sherri disagreed. If anything else, she would insist on this. “No sleeveless dresses.”

  Her mom continued looking through the racks as Sherri followed behind her as she had as a young girl and been forced to go to the mall with her parents. She gave a big sigh. “It’s not going to matter what I wear anyway. Everybody’ll be staring at my bald head.”

  Mama halted, dropped the price tag of a dress she’d been looking at and turned to face her. “Your head’s not bald.”

  Sherri lowered the brim of her baseball cap over her forehead. “Not yet. But it’s inevitable. I keep finding more hair falling out than staying in.”

  “Do you think it’s time to shave it?”

  “I don’t know.” She hated to give up before giving the hair that remained a chance. But for how long? “Soon, maybe.”

  Mama pulled out her cell phone. “I’m calling your tia Laurie to see if she can fit you in.”

  “Today? But...” She reached up to the hair that trailed down behind her ear. She knew it was only hair. It would grow back like it had with April. Maybe it would be curly rather than flat and straight that she always had to mousse and blow-dry into waves. A full minute went by before she finally shrugged. “Okay. Let’s just get it over with.”

  Mama spoke to Tia Laurie’s receptionist and gave Sherri a nod. “She can see you at four.”

  Sherri glanced at her watch. It was already two thirty. “That doesn’t give us much time to shop.”

  Mama ended the call and placed the phone back in her purse. “We have two weeks to look for a dress.”

  “We could have weeks before all my hair falls out.”

  “But do you want to wait that long?” Mama turned and pulled out a red dress with cap sleeves. “This has sleeves, and I’ve got a shawl from Abuela that would match.”

  Sherri shook her head and they went to another store and another. As they entered the fourth clothing store, she didn’t care if she went naked to the wedding. Her body needed to sit down for a moment, an hour, the rest of the day. Mama turned and must have noticed because she declared it was time for a break.

  After a slow journey to the food court, Sherri sat at a table as Mama bought a few things and returned with a tray that held two cookies and bottles of water. She couldn’t eat any of it. The thought alone turned her stomach. “I’m not hungry. I just need to rest for a moment.”

  Mama broke a piece off of a cookie and popped it into her mouth. “Still feeling the ickies?”

  “You could say that.”

  Mama opened one of the bottles of water and handed it to Sherri. “You need to stay hydrated.”

  Sherri nodded and took a sip. Four days after chemo and she still had a metallic taste in her mouth, but Mama was right. She needed to drink lots of water, so she guzzled the rest of the bottle. “Thank you.”

  Finished eating, they headed back to the valet station with Mama’s purchases. She’d found a sleeveless wrap dress in coral that set off her skin tone beautifully. Sherri had found nothing, but then, her mood hadn’t put her in the mind to seriously buy anything.

  Mama drove them back to Detroit while Sherri closed her eyes. Mama had to shake her awake when she pulled up to Tia Laurie’s salon, which wasn’t far from their neighborhood.

  The bell above the door announced their arrival and the receptionist smiled too brightly at them. So, she’d been told about Sherri’s cancer, too. “Laurie said she needs about five more minutes before she’s ready for you. Can I get you a coffee or a bottled water?”

  Sherri declined and took a seat on a plastic molded chair that sat against the front window. She grabbed a magazine from the coffee table and flipped through a few pages before looking up when the bell rang again. Dez looked out of place in such a feminine salon, yet he seemed to fit in with his casual air and appreciative eye for beauty. He spotted her and chose the seat next to her. She frowned at him. “What are you doing here?”

  He gave a wave to her mother, then turned to her. “I promised I’d be here, didn’t I? Your mom called and said it was time.”

  He stared at her baseball cap and reached out to remove it. She clamped it farther on her head with both hands. “Not yet.”

  “In a few minutes you’re going to have to take it off anyway.” He touched the tip of her nose with his index finger. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “I’m being ridiculous. I mean, it’s just hair. But it’s one more thing I have to give up in this fight.” She hated that her eyes burned. All she wanted was to put her head against Dez’s shoulder and draw strength from him.

  Tia Laurie came out from the back, followed by Mama. “Sherrita, are you ready for this?”

  Sherri nodded, but longed to leave the salon and go back to the car. She’d rather endure hours of shopping than this.

  Dez took her hand and helped her to her feet. He didn’t let go, but led her to one of the hydraulic chairs as if she were a queen. Tia Laurie brought out a blue plastic cape and swished it over her so that it landed softly around her shoulders. She turned the chair around so that Sherri faced the mirror. “Do you want to take a picture first?”

  Sherri shook her head and pulled off the baseball cap. She’d rather not have a memory of her hair so thin, patches of scalp showing through what remained. Tia Laurie sprayed her hair with water before combing it away from her face. She cut off long tresses, which fell and littered the floor by Sherri’s feet. Once the hair that remained on her head was about two inches long, she turned the chair around so that Sherri couldn’t see the mirror and pulled out the electric hair clippers. The snap as she turned them on made Sherri want to jump out of her skin. And the first feel of the metal blade against her scalp made her wince. A lone tear fell from her right eye and trailed down her cheek, but she didn’t wipe it away. Instead, she stared straight ahead at Dez, who watched her and offered her a smile. She couldn’t smile back.

  Then all too soon it was over. Tia Laurie turned the chair back around and Sherri saw her bald pate. She stared at her reflection until Dez whistled. “I’m telling you, bald is sexy, Ace.” Sherri laughed then let the tears flow. She covered her face and felt Dez’s hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay. Just let it all
out.”

  She took a deep breath, stood and approached the mirror. She touched her image. Could that really be her? Her cheeks had thinned, making her appear gaunt. And now with a bald head, she looked like what she was: a cancer patient. Tia Laurie looked worried about her reaction. She gave a wavering smile. “Thank you, Tia. I appreciate that you took me with such short notice. It helped.”

  “I wish I was cutting your hair under happier circumstances, but I’m honored to have done this for you.” She reached around Sherri’s neck and pulled off the cape.

  Mama took a seat in the hydraulic chair that Sherri had vacated. “Okay. Now my turn.”

  Sherri gaped at her mother, who calmly put her purse in her lap as if she hadn’t just said the impossible. “What are you doing, Mama?”

  “Shave my head, too, Laurie.” She looked up at Sherri. “You and Dez can’t be the only ones who are sexy around here.”

  Sherri put her arms around Mama. “You don’t have to do this. What will Daddy say?”

  She gave Sherri’s cheek a pat and nodded. “I told you I’d do anything to help you through this. And your father knows it’s just hair. Right, mija? We’re strong enough to know that our beauty doesn’t come from the outside.”

  “But Mama...”

  Tia Laurie cleared her throat, and she wiped at the corner of one of her eyes. “Her mind’s made up.”

  Sherri stood back and watched as Tia Laurie repeated the cutting and shaving process on Mama. When she finished, Mama held out her cell phone to Tia Laurie. “Will you take a picture of the three of us?”

  Dez stepped back and held up his hands. “I don’t need to be in any picture. Everyone knows I’m bald and sexy already.”

  Mama tugged at him to stand between her and Sherri. She gave a bright smile. “Say cheese, everybody.”

  Dez put his arms around both women and tightened his grip on Sherri. Tia Laurie took the picture, then held it out for them to see. Mama clapped her hands. “It’s perfect. Now show me how to post it on Facebook.”