Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  Sherri refused. It was one thing if people saw her in person, but to post the photo on the internet for everyone to comment? “No, Mama.”

  “Yes. Everyone needs to see what strength looks like.”

  * * *

  DEZ TOOK A program from the teen girl’s hand, then walked into the auditorium where Luke would soon graduate. He scanned the room, trying to locate Luke’s mother. He figured she must be running late since he didn’t spot her amid the other parents. He took a seat in the center of a middle row and nodded to a couple who passed him to take seats next to him. The wife leaned toward him once she was seated. “You have a child graduating?”

  Dez shrugged out of his suit coat and folded it over his arm since it was warm in the auditorium. “He’s more like a friend. I mentored him this past year.”

  She gave a smile. “What’s his name? Maybe I know him.”

  “Luke Daniels.”

  The woman nodded. “Our daughter is friends with him, yes. I’ve never met Luke, but believe me, I’ve heard plenty about him. Whitney said he’s really changed. Probably due to your influence, then.”

  If Luke had changed, it was because of the kid’s effort to make something better out of his life. All Dez had done was talk when he needed to and listen even more. “We mostly met and discussed homework and having goals.”

  “Well, it worked.” She opened the program and scanned it. “Looks like he’s getting an award in math and science, too.”

  Dez opened the program, and his jaw dropped when he saw Luke’s name as one of about a dozen students receiving awards for excellence, along with their diplomas. “He never told me.”

  “You know teenagers.”

  He didn’t really, but he knew Luke. If the kid had kept the news from Dez it was because he was embarrassed for some reason. He ran a finger over Luke’s name. “That kid is something else.” He stood and checked the room again. “I was hoping to find his mom before the ceremony started. Thought we could sit together.”

  But Donna never came. At least, not that Dez saw. Once the event began, he kept his focus on the stage and applauded until his hands hurt when Luke crossed the stage to receive his diploma.

  After the ceremony Dez shook Whitney’s parents’ hands, then moved to the front of the auditorium where the graduates gathered and searched for their families. He found Luke chatting with a friend, and his face lit up when he saw Dez. They embraced. “You made it!”

  “I promised, didn’t I?” Dez looked around. “But I didn’t see your mom. Where is she?”

  Luke shrugged, and the light in his eyes dimmed slightly. “Didn’t make it. Said she had to work but she was still asleep when I left.”

  Dez bit back a comment. “Well, if you’re free, we can go out for lunch and celebrate. On me. How does a thick, juicy steak sound?”

  Luke nodded and laughed. “All right, all right. That’s what I’m talking about. I’ll have to call Mom’s cell and tell her where I’ll be.”

  “When we get to the restaurant.” He wasn’t going to give Donna the chance to take away anything from this moment. Dez put his arm around Luke’s neck and dragged him away from the other students. “I’m so proud of you. And what’s this about an award for math and science?”

  Luke shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I took a test and scored high is all.”

  “That’s all? That’s more than I accomplished when I was your age.” He’d barely passed any class but phys ed. And he’d never scored high on any tests. The kid really didn’t know how special he was.

  They headed for the lot where Dez had parked. He paid the attendant, and they drove to a steak house that was packed with the after-church crowd. Luke winced. “How long of a wait is this going to be?”

  “Doesn’t matter. It’s not every day you graduate high school.” Dez put their names in with the hostess and they lounged in the entrance. Luke paced and bounced up and down until Dez turned and looked at him. “Is there something you want to tell me? You fidget when you’re keeping a secret. It’s one of your tells.”

  “The real reason Mom didn’t come to the graduation ceremony...she...” He cracked his knuckles. “I joined the army and she’s angry with me. We argued, both said some things.” He glanced over at Dez. “Are you disappointed in me, too?”

  Dez gaped at the kid. “Disappointed? No. Proud as hell, man. I’m impressed. Why didn’t you tell me when you enlisted? I could have gone with you.”

  “I had to do it on my own. To prove to myself that I was a man making my own choice, you know?” He let out a big sigh. “But Mom doesn’t get it.”

  “She’ll come around.”

  “Well, she’s got less than a month. I leave in the middle of July for basic training.” He gave a grin. “I scored off the charts on the ASVAB in several areas and had my choice of several positions, but I chose linguistic cryptology.”

  Dez gave a low whistle. “Code breaking.”

  Luke beamed. “They’re going to teach me languages and codes and all this stuff I had no idea existed. My recruiter, Sergeant Listo, said I was in good shape, but recommended working out to build muscle before I go. You think we could start doing that instead on our nights together?”

  “You bet. I’ll get you a guest pass for my gym and we can go together until you leave.” Dez put his hand on Luke’s shoulder. “You saw something you wanted and you worked toward that goal. You achieved that and now you’ve made a new one. You’re becoming a real man.”

  “Being a man is making and achieving goals?”

  “Part of it. Some of it is also providing for your loved ones. And you’ve been doing that since you could collect bottles and cans to turn in for money.” Dez pulled him into a crushing hug. “Soooo proud of you.”

  Luke protested and pushed away from him. “Don’t get all mushy on me,” he insisted. But the kid was all smiles as he said it.

  * * *

  DEZ DREADED THIS softball game against the Detroit Cop Union, their archrivals. Dez gathered the team around him before the first pitch. “Sherri’s feeling sick and won’t be here tonight, so let’s win this one for her.” He put a hand in the center and everyone placed theirs on top. “Victory on three. One, two, three.”

  “Victory!”

  They were first up, so Dez yelled out the batting order and handed the score sheet to Luke. “Thanks for keeping score since she couldn’t make it.”

  “Who couldn’t make it?”

  Dez jerked his head up and spied Sherri in the entrance of the dugout. She wore a baseball cap over her bald head.

  He put his hands on his hips. “Does nothing keep you down? You’re supposed to be home resting.”

  “I feel fine.” She stepped forward.

  He noticed the dark circles under eyes set in a pale face. If that was fine, he’d eat his mitt. She sat next to Luke on the bench, but didn’t take the score sheet from him. Several of the team greeted her, touching her in the process.

  Dez wanted to put a barrier around her to keep any of their germs off her, to protect her from more harm than the cancer already posed. Instead, he went to the chain-link fence that divided the dugout from the ball field.

  She joined him not long after, yelling out encouragement to the batter. Then she turned to him. “Don’t be angry with me. I wanted to be here.”

  He could understand her desire to see the team and be around people, but it could cost her more than it might help her. “It’s too much of a risk. You could catch something and get sicker than you are.”

  “I told you I’m fine.”

  He scowled even more as he faced her. “Tell that to someone who believes that. You don’t look fine.”

  She gave a soft smile. “You really know how to charm a girl.”

  “I’m not trying to charm you. I want you to be safe and
get healthy. Showing up tonight is not doing either one of those things.”

  She looked down at her hands. “I needed to get out of the house.”

  “So go to your mom’s.”

  “How is that any different than coming here? I’m outside in the fresh air and surrounded by friends. That sounds like a good idea to me.”

  He ignored her, turning his focus back to the game. He stood and put his fingers through the chain-link fence that separated them from the infield. The batter got a hit and ran to first base. Safe. Dez clapped and cupped his hands around his mouth. “All right, Sara. That’s showing them.”

  Sherri put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not like I’m asking you to put me in the game. I’m just sitting on the bench.”

  “Then go do it.” He knew that this anger would only put a wedge between them, but he didn’t know how to let it go. He’d die for this woman, he’d trade places with her if he could, but she didn’t get it. Didn’t understand that she needed to do her part if he couldn’t fix it for her. She needed to follow doctor’s orders and do everything necessary to get healthy again. Hanging out at a softball game didn’t fit the bill.

  She made a small noise of protest or disgust, he wasn’t sure which, and sat next to Luke again.

  The game ended with a double play by his team that left the opponent’s tying run on third base. The teams gathered and formed two lines, then walked, slapping hands and muttering, “Good game.”

  Dez stayed around to pick up equipment. Sherri left the dugout and went to second base to get it and return it to him. When she put it in the large duffel bag, she looked up at him. “I wish you could understand what I’m going through. That you could see how important being here tonight was for me.”

  He shoved the other bases into the bag and stared at her hard. “So help me understand.”

  “I know the risks of going out in public when my immune system is shaky at best, but I need to be with people sometimes. I need to feel like I’m still included with everyone and not as if I’m quarantined. And alone. I don’t want to feel like my life is over because I’m dealing with this and can’t do the stuff I used to do.” She wiped the corner of her eye and looked away. “I need to feel normal again.”

  “But what if you get sick?”

  “I’m already sick!” She dropped the volume of her voice. “But I’m not dead. At least not yet.”

  She strode off then, leaving him with Luke. Together they collected the rest of the equipment. Luke whistled. “You really know how to tick her off.”

  Dez watched her retreating figure as she walked through the parking lot. “That’s not what I was trying to do. I want to protect her.”

  “By trying to protect her you made her feel like she didn’t belong here. And that’s what she wanted tonight. To belong. But then, I’m a kid, what do I know?” Luke shrugged and ran to the row of bats leaning against the chain-link fence.

  Dez continued to stare out at the parking lot. He hadn’t been wrong in wanting to keep her safe. All he wanted was for her to be whole again.

  Come to think of it, maybe that was what she wanted, too.

  * * *

  AFTER HER ARGUMENT with Dez, she hadn’t heard from him, even though it’d been a few days. Trying to put aside his absence, she invited April and Page over for a girls’ night. But when the night arrived, only April showed at her apartment. “Page wanted to come, but she’s not doing so good right now.”

  “Problems with her radiation?”

  “She didn’t have enough energy to get dressed when I showed up at her condo. She just wanted quiet.” April grimaced. “The treatment’s really taking a toll on her this time.”

  They made virgin cocktails since Sherri had to abstain from alcohol while she was in chemo. But they drowned big bowls of popcorn with melted butter before taking seats on the sofa and watching a chick flick. April painted her toenails as the first one started. She glanced over at Sherri. “You should come with us to the Hope Center. They’re great at helping you get through this.”

  April had invited her before, but the idea of being with a big group of strangers who were sick like her didn’t appeal. “I’m not sure.”

  “It sounds like a bunch of hooey, but sharing what I’m going through with other women has really helped me.” She put the cap back on the nail polish and peered at Sherri. “So how is chemo going?”

  Sherri shrugged. “Fine.”

  April narrowed her eyes. “How is it really going? Truth this time.”

  That was the big question, wasn’t it? “I don’t know. One minute I think I’m going to be okay, then the next I’m freaking out about losing my hair. I just want to feel normal again. How long do I have to feel like there’s an alien inside my body? Some being that’s invaded so that I don’t even recognize it anymore?”

  “It’ll take some time, but you will feel like yourself one day. Promise.” April started to apply another coat of nail polish to her toes.

  “Right now I don’t see how that’s possible.” Sherri rubbed her shoulder, then paused the movie. She turned to face April fully. “Three months? Six? A year? How long?”

  “It depends on the person.” When Sherri sighed, April held up her hand. “Everyone’s journey with this disease is unique. That’s why the Hope Center helped me. I could hear others tell their stories. Some were the same, some not.” She recapped the nail polish. “For me, personally? I didn’t feel normal for the first six months, and even now, I still have days when I feel like you do. The thing is, it’s not about going back to how you felt before the cancer. It’s about learning to live with a new normal. Once you can accept that, things will get better. You won’t keep comparing your before cancer self to after. You’ll just...” April gave a shrug. “Just be.” She laughed. “Page calls all this my mumbo jumbo. I don’t know. Maybe it is. But it’s what gets me get through the day.”

  Sherri considered this and nodded. “What is it like where you are on this journey?”

  “I’m nearing the end and it terrifies me.” She smiled at this. “It doesn’t make any sense, does it? I should be relieved. And don’t get me wrong, I am. But I’m scared that the rest of my life starts now and I have no more answers than before. Just a sense that I need to make it count.”

  “That actually sounds pretty wise to me.”

  April laughed again, but wiped at the tears in her eyes. “We’re supposed to be having a girls’ night, not crying about how much cancer took from us.” She raised her virgin cocktail. “Here’s to finding purpose in the darkest moment.”

  “To feeling normal.”

  * * *

  THE DOORBELL RANG, and Sherri hurried to answer it, expecting to find Dez standing on her doorstep, apology in hand. Instead, her cousin Mateo was leaning on the door frame, carrying a plastic bag. “Hey.”

  She looked behind him, but he was alone. “Did Dez send you?”

  He shook his head and entered the apartment. “No, I wanted to see how you were feeling. Do you need anything?”

  “No. Today is a good day.” And it really had been. She’d had more energy than the day before. Enough to go through her closet and get things organized for her return to work in the next couple of weeks.

  “Great.”

  He kept looking past her, but eventually, glanced up at the top of her bald head. She reached up to rub it. “I had to shave it because it kept falling out.”

  “My mom refused to shave her head. Said it meant she was giving up. Not that you have, but...” He picked at a spot on his sleeve. “Sorry, cuz. Seeing you like this brings up a lot of bad memories for me.”

  “Is that why you stopped by? To remember the bad times?”

  “No.” He finally looked up at her straight on and sighed. “I’ve been avoiding you, and Lulu said that it wasn’t being fair to
you. It’s not your fault you got the same cancer that killed our mom.”

  She remembered how Tia Connie had been sick for so long. Years, it seemed, but Sherri had been a teenager and things like time had a different definition then. “So you’re here because Lulu yelled at you?”

  “She can be really persuasive.” He held up the plastic bag. “I brought you one of those adult coloring books and some crayons. Thought it might be calming or something.”

  She took the bag from him. “Thank you. I’ll have to give it a try.” She motioned to the sofa. “Do you want to sit down?”

  He seemed uncomfortable at the thought of having to be here any longer than he needed to. “I can’t stay. I have to meet a client to go over some testimony.” He took a step toward her, then pulled her into an awkward hug. “Please take care of yourself.”

  “I’m trying.”

  He patted her softly then let go. “Will you be at Lulu’s wedding?” he asked.

  “Planning on it. Assuming I can find something to wear. And you know... If I’m feeling okay.”

  “Right.” He walked to the front door, then turned around abruptly and pulled her into a genuine hug. “Fight this with all you’ve got, okay? I can’t lose anyone else to this horrible disease.” He kissed her cheek.

  She nodded, and he left the apartment. Mateo’s visit had felt off, but then, she knew a lot of it had been his discomfort with her cancer. She did the math and realized that Tia Connie had only been five years older than she was now. Too young to lose so much. Lulu had to be remembering her mom as she prepared to get married. Tia Connie had wanted to live and be there for her baby girl just as Sherri wanted to fight this and see another day.

  She found her knees growing weak and pulled a kitchen stool from the counter to support herself. Tia Connie had wanted to fight, but had lost her life all the same. Would Sherri be like her? Or would she have the odds in her favor and beat this thing?

  Did it come down to luck? To science? Or to faith? If she believed she’d survive, then she would? She rested her elbows on the counter and buried her face in her hands. She didn’t know, couldn’t know, what would happen. Raising her head, she did know that she wouldn’t give up without a fight.