Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  Luke held up the money clutched in his hand. “I owe you.”

  “And I plan on collecting, so you keep out of trouble.” He leaned back against the car. “Don’t forget to call your mom tonight when you get there.”

  “I will.” The kid looked like he was going to say something else, but then he started to head for the bus station doors, holding one hand up in farewell.

  Dez watched him until he entered the building, then wiped at the moisture in the corners of his eyes before getting back in his car and heading home.

  * * *

  SHERRI FINISHED THE background check she’d been working on and saved the results on her computer. The crick in her neck had started to annoy her, so she stood up.

  In mid-stretch, she tried to figure out what she was feeling. She didn’t have any pain. No nausea. She felt a little tired, sure, but fatigue had become her constant companion. So what was this?

  She felt...normal. A different normal than she had felt before cancer, but still. Normal. She smiled then covered that with her hand. April had promised that she would get to this point one day, but she’d thought it would be much later. After chemo and radiation. After reconstruction surgery. After all of it. And yet here she was, finding her new normal.

  Dez and Ras entered the office and approached her. “We need some advice, Ace.” Dez passed her some notes, which he’d obviously written since most of it was illegible. He pointed to a name that he’d circled. “We’ve got a list of employees from that company that operates out of the warehouse. We’ve still got a few people we’re checking on, but this guy we’re having a hard time finding out about, which seems suspicious. Harold Weston. Does that name sound familiar?”

  She shook her head. Dez pulled over a chair so that he could sit next to her as they reviewed his notes. She could smell the aftershave he’d put on that morning. He drummed his fingers on her desk. “I’m still confused as to why we have so little intel on this Weston. It just doesn’t follow. Apart from the bare details, there’s nothing. I’m betting there could be a connection between Weston and the drug cartel?”

  She kept looking through his notes, then asked, “Does the connection have to be Weston himself with the cartel? Maybe it’s someone related to Weston who has the in with the drug runners?” She handed back the pages.

  Dez waggled his finger at her. “You might be onto something there.”

  Ras jotted something down and walked to his computer. He typed some information in and scrolled through a few screens. “Two brothers and a sister.”

  “All right. We’ll start there.” Dez nodded at Sherri. “Thanks, Ace.”

  “You bet. That’s what I’m here for.”

  * * *

  DEZ CHECKED HIS mailbox when he got home and noticed that a letter from Luke had arrived. He smiled as he ripped it open and took it inside to read. The kid hated boot camp, but he understood why the drill sergeants used the tactics they did. The kid was too smart for his own good.

  His cell phone buzzed and he glanced at the screen. “Hey, Mateo. You coming to the game tomorrow night?”

  “If I can get away. Listen. Do you have plans tonight? I was hoping you could help me with something.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “His name is Marcus and he needs a mentor maybe even more than Luke did.” It sounded like Mateo had covered the phone, a muffled conversation was happening without Dez being able to make out the words. Then Mateo was back. “I’m downtown right now at the juvenile courts, hoping to get him out on bail before they finish for the night.”

  Dez checked the time. “It’s after five already.”

  “I know. A hearing ran late, but I might be able to get in front of the judge before he goes home. He owes me.”

  Dez wasn’t sure if he wanted to get involved again with another kid. Sure, he’d gotten lucky with Luke, but not every kid was like him. “I don’t know what I’ll be able to do.”

  “Having you stand with us could help his case. He’s not a bad kid.”

  Dez smirked at that. “To you, they never are.”

  “He’s stuck in a rough situation and I want to give him a chance to get out of it. He’s from Mack and Concord.”

  Dez closed his eyes, knowing he’d already agreed to help before Mateo had even mentioned his old neighborhood. He’d been that kid himself once. “I’m leaving now. Which court?”

  Mateo gave him the directions and Dez drove there as quickly as he could. He hadn’t changed his clothes yet, so he was still dressed in suit and tie, appropriate for court. He parked in the municipal parking lot then jogged up to the courthouse. Mateo waved him over when Dez cleared the metal detectors. A kid no older than eleven sat on a bench, staring at the floor. “What did he do?”

  “Flashed a gun in a park where kids were playing.” Mateo shook his head. “He was supposed to shoot someone as part of a gang initiation. But someone called in the incident and Marcus chickened out.”

  Eleven was too young to be worrying about getting into a gang. Heck, eleven was to young to be worrying about anything. “Whose gun?”

  “Unregistered.” Mateo closed his eyes. “And the police officer who responded to the call is convinced he wasn’t going to discharge it, which means Marcus is only being held on illegal possession of a firearm, although that is bad enough.” He gave a big sigh. “The cop knows the kid and the foster family, so he gave me a call.”

  Dez looked over at Marcus. “What does he say?”

  “Hasn’t said a word.”

  Dez nodded, then held up a finger. “Let me talk to him.” He walked down the short hallway and sat on the bench next to Marcus. The kid didn’t even look at him. “You from Mack Avenue, too? I grew up on Helen.” The kid didn’t answer him. “Tough neighborhood. Lots of gangs.” The kid stirred, but still didn’t look at him or say anything.

  The judge’s chamber door opened and Mateo sprinted over. He stopped to glance at Dez, Dez nodded and Mateo closed the chamber door behind him.

  “Mr. Lopez is a good man, Marcus. A good lawyer. He’s trying to help you out.” He paused. “But you’ve got to give him something.”

  Marcus snapped up his head to glare at Dez. “I’m no snitch.”

  “He’s not asking you to rat out the guys who put you up to this, but you need to tell your side of the story to the judge.” Marcus didn’t say anything else and Dez doubted he could help this kid if he didn’t want to help himself. “Mr. Lopez will be coming out soon to get you in front of the judge. We expect you to show respect and answer his questions truthfully.”

  Marcus’s eyes looked too old and wary as he stared at Dez, as if he’d seen too much at such a young age. “We?”

  “Us foster kids from Mack Ave. have to stick up for each other, right? I’ll go in there with you if you want.”

  The kid’s expression knocked him back. Dez could remember that same skepticism and disillusionment being on his own face at that age. Marcus scowled and returned his gaze to the floor. The chamber door opened and Mateo motioned for them to join him inside. Dez put his hand on the kid’s shoulder. “This is it, Marcus. Good luck in there.”

  The kid stood and took a few steps before turning back to face Dez. “Aren’t you coming with me?”

  * * *

  APRIL CALLED SHERRI and again invited her to the Hope Center for a support group meeting. “It’s been a benefit to me, especially since I don’t have any family in the area. I couldn’t have gone through what I did alone.”

  Sherri wasn’t convinced. The idea of talking about what was happening to her in front of a group of strangers didn’t exactly sound like a good time. “What do they do again?”

  “Most people discuss the effects of the cancer. Treatments. Even their hopes and fears.”

  Still didn’t sound like something Sherri
would volunteer to be a part of. However, two nights later Sherri arrived at the address that Page had told her to write down. So, this was it.

  The Hope Center took up one of the storefronts in a strip mall on the north end of Detroit near Eight Mile. It looked out of place next to the cell phone and liquor stores. She parked, then got out of her car, hitting the fob to make sure the doors were locked. She walked up to the center and peered in the window. April saw her and waved. She walked over and motioned her inside.

  When Sherri entered, April approached her and gave her a hug. “I wasn’t sure if you’d make it.”

  “I said I would. And I keep my promises even when I’m not sure about something like this.”

  April escorted her over to the coordinator, who handed her a sticker for a name tag. Sherri raised one eyebrow at this.

  Page rolled her eyes. “They like to be able to call us by our names, but they’ve seen me enough around here they don’t need me to wear a name tag anymore.”

  Sherri wrote her name on the sticker, then removed the backing and stuck the tag to her chest. “It could be worse.”

  Page leaned in to whisper to her. “Never say those words here. You can always find worse.”

  Page took a seat in one of the metal folding chairs. Sherri sat next to her and April brought them each a glass of lemonade. Page told April no, thanks, but Sherri accepted her cup and took a sip. It was overly sweet. She tried not to make a face.

  The coordinator introduced herself, then had everyone go around the room saying his or her name and stage of cancer. When it came to Sherri’s turn, she kept her eyes on her hands that she’d folded in her lap. “I’m Sherri. Stage two.”

  Page was next. “You know I’m Page. Breast cancer twice. And now my husband has served me with divorce papers. So...yay me.”

  “Chad did what?” April gaped at her. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  Page gave a one-shoulder shrug. “I just did.”

  “I thought we were friends. You couldn’t tell me before this?” April turned back to the group. “I’m April. Stage three and I’m about to have my reconstruction surgery.” She glowered at Page. “And can I say that I’m not happy that my so-called best friend has been keeping things from me?”

  Page wouldn’t look at April. Sherri couldn’t help but notice. “I didn’t want to bring you down, April. You’re doing so well.”

  “But I could help you through this.”

  Page grimaced at April, her eyes sad. “How? He wants out of our marriage and can I blame him? I haven’t exactly been a load of laughs lately. What can you do to help? You can’t change it.” Page folded her arms over her chest and turned to the coordinator. “Lynn, tell her that she’s overreacting.”

  The coordinator colored slightly and fidgeted in her chair. “Page, we’ve talked about how we are all entitled to our own feelings. If April feels angry, then you have to accept that.”

  “Then she has to accept that I didn’t want to burden her with my divorce.”

  April opened her mouth to say something, but the coordinator cut them both off by having them stand in the center of the circle. They stood back-to-back. “Now each of you give one word about what you need from the other. April?”

  “Honesty.”

  Page started to turn, but Lynn forced her to remain with her back to April. “I didn’t lie about anything.”

  Lynn held up one finger. “She is letting you know what she needs from you. Hear it. Accept it.”

  Page put her hands on her hips. “I’ll accept it and I’ll be honest. Even when doing so could hurt her or make her sad.”

  Lynn gave a nod and kept her gaze on Page. “And what do you need from April?”

  Page shook her head. “This is ridiculous.”

  “Just let her know what you need from her,” Lynn repeated.

  Page leaned back against April. “Space. Is that honest enough?”

  A murmur among the other participants rose and fell as the two women in the center turned and looked at each other. April put her arms around Page. “Thank you.”

  “I just told you that I need you to back off.” But Page accepted the hug. At least until she pushed April away from her.

  “But you’re being honest with me instead of going along with what I want. That’s what I need from you.”

  “Well, you can be a lot to take sometimes with all your positive thinking and Miss Merry Sunshine attitude.”

  April smiled widely. “Yes, I can.”

  Page peered at her. “There are times when I need to be alone.”

  “I can accept that.”

  “And you’re not upset?”

  “I’m more upset when you don’t communicate with me about what you’re really feeling.” She put an arm around Page’s shoulders. “Can you accept that?”

  Page nodded and the two women hugged again.

  Sherri watched all this with surprise. So honest and open in front of all these people. She wasn’t going to have to do the same kind of thing on her first visit, was she? She clutched the pamphlet she’d been given and fanned herself with it, more to have something to do than watching the display of emotion in the center of the circle. This was definitely out of her wheelhouse.

  Lynn turned to the rest of the group. “Who would like to continue our sharing time?”

  Luckily, someone else talked about how they were having doubts about how best to handle sharing the news of her cancer. Sherri settled back into her chair.

  Page, who had returned to her seat, whispered, “They won’t make you say anything tonight, but April will tell you that it helps to share.”

  April encouraged from her seat, “It really does.”

  Sherri smirked at her. These two couldn’t be any more different, yet she appreciated them both being a part of her journey.

  After the meeting the three women stood next to April’s car. “What did you think of tonight? And be honest,” April asked.

  Sherri shrugged. “This isn’t really my thing. At least I didn’t think so before I came. But I feel better about myself so maybe that’s good. I don’t feel so isolated. There’re others like me out there struggling with the same issues. And, in a weird way, that’s a comfort.”

  April nodded and grinned. “I’m glad, too. Maybe we’ll see you at next month’s meeting.” She unlocked her car door with her fob. “So my surgery is going to be next month and I’d love it if you could both be there. Because someday, it will be your turn to be at the end of this and have a new body, too.”

  Page looked down at her flat chest. “I don’t know if I’m going the reconstruction route. I’ve never had much to start with, and right now my goal is to just get through this.”

  “You could change your mind when you see how fabulous I’m going to look.” April struck a pose, which made Page scoff, but Sherri noticed the smile playing around her mouth.

  “You seem so upbeat after all this, April. Why aren’t you angry like the rest of us?” Sherri asked her.

  April adjusted the strap of her purse higher onto her shoulder. “I could be bitter, but what’s that going to do? Mostly I feel lucky. I’ve stared death in the face and made him blink. I’m ready to celebrate my new life with a new body and attitude.” She pulled out her journal. “While I was sick, I wrote down everything I wanted to do once I was healthy again. And I’m going to start working on each thing and cross them off one by one.”

  Sherri was eager to see what the journal contained. “What kinds of things are on that list?”

  Page rolled her eyes. “Oh, don’t get her started.”

  April opened the journal and pointed to a line. “Go see a musical on Broadway.” She smiled, then hugged the book to her chest. “I’ve always wanted to go and now I will.”

  Sherri didn’t want t
o admit that she was jealous of April’s optimistic outlook. “I haven’t even thought about what it will be like when my treatment is over. I’m still trying to make it to tomorrow.”

  April turned a page and then another. “So just name one thing you would want once you’re healthy again. Where do you see your life after cancer?”

  An image of Dez filled her brain and she gasped. Page’s eyes widened at this. “Wow, it must be good. What did you see?”

  “Not what. Who.” Sherri’s hands shook as she fumbled for her keys inside her purse. “I have to go.”

  “You running away from this?” Page asked.

  No. This time she wasn’t running away. In fact, maybe she should try moving toward it. But she couldn’t have Dez. They’d finally gotten back on track with their friendship, so why would her brain even be thinking about this? She blamed it on all the sharing that had happened in the support group. “I’ll talk to you guys later. Thanks for inviting me.”

  “You don’t have to be scared about what you want,” April said.

  “I’m not scared.” But her heart fluttered and her body shuddered from the thought of Dez. “Good night.”

  “I’ve got to get to work, anyway. Yay, night shift.” Page waved to them both and walked to her car.

  April squeezed Sherri’s hand. “I hope you get what you want.”

  They said their goodbyes again and Sherri got into her car, but didn’t put the key in the ignition. Instead, she sat in the parking lot while she contemplated where to go. She should go home, but the idea of being alone in her apartment didn’t appeal.

  Eventually, she pulled out of the parking lot and drove aimlessly, debating whether she should stop at her parents’ place to see how they were. Strangely, she found herself looking up at Dez’s house. How had she gotten here? She remembered making the turns to arrive at this destination, but couldn’t recall why.

  She stared at the closed front door for ten minutes until finally she switched off the ignition. She took a deep breath, then opened the car door and stepped outside. She watched for signs of Dez. Maybe he wasn’t home? Maybe he had gone out?