Love Notes

by Heather Gunter

  “Are you sure?” I whisper.

  He turns his head away so he’s not looking at me and I receive his clipped conformation, which is all I need to confirm my fear.

  Be it in a whispered hush, but none the less I hear it. “Yes.”

  I know he’s hurting, but surely he doesn't mean this? I turn to catch the eye of his parents and see the same pain mirrored across their faces. I can't help it. I flee the room with tears streaking down my face and a slowly breaking heart.

  Chapter 31-Charlie

  I run out of his room as fast as I can through the hospital, all the while watching people watch me like a crazy person or better yet, like an escaped crazy person.

  I don’t care, I just know I need out of there . I run to the hospital parking lot, where my beloved Lexie is sitting. Knowing my Jeep is my only safe haven. I pull the door open and plop down in the driver's seat, all the while crying. I yank my iPod out of my bag and shove my ear buds in. I sit in the hospital parking lot and listen over and over to the same song. I'm not ready to leave.

  There’s no way I am ready for the tongue lashing I’ll be receiving when I get home. I don’t doubt that my dad will soon be there and that my mom will have told him what transpired between us. Something would need to give. I can’t wait to turn 18 so I can just leave this place. I can’t take it anymore.

  I didn’t doubt how Maverick felt about me but I would be lying if his rejection of me didn’t jack with my already poor self-esteem. Deep down I knew his reaction wasn’t about me, but when you already have a not so good view of yourself, it’s very easy to start doubting things again.

  When I finally glance at my phone to check the time, I see that two hours have already passed. I’m scared as hell about leaving and heading to the dreaded place I call home. It’s like walking into a death trap. You know it’s going to be bad, but it’s the unexpected you have to worry about. I decide to stop delaying the inevitable and head home.

  The minute I pull into the driveway my heart begins beating a million miles a minute. Oh, who am I kidding, it started the minute I left the hospital parking lot to come home.

  I mentally prepare myself for the fight that I know is about to come. I walk ever so slowly inside, because why run, right? It’s going to happen regardless, may as well delay it for as long as I can. The moment I open the front door, I can sense the tension in the air. It's hard to describe really, but I know the shit's about to hit the fan. How much more I can take, I don’t know. Letting it out with my mom was huge and believe it or not, made me feel a little freer. It started to let me see things a little more clearly, regarding how I should be treated.

  I’m immediately verbally assaulted when they hear the door shut. Not going to lie, my dad scares me and it makes me tremble. My mom does what she does best. Tucks her tail, head down, avoiding any and all contact with me and leaves the room.

  I can't believe my earlier outburst has no impact at all. Doesn’t faze her one bit.

  “Where have you been and what the hell are you thinking missing school? For a guy no less.” my dad sneers.

  Now this is where I’m confused. I mean Maverick was in an accident and they kept me overnight in the hospital. My dad never showed up or called to see how I was, but surely it was reason enough to miss school. I recall again, seeing Maverick’s parents and how worried they were about him. This makes me question things. I know I wasn’t hurt, but there is absolutely no concern coming from him. Like, at all.

  He’s pissed about me missing school. I’m a good student and I can afford not to be there for a short time. Something is off but I can’t put my finger on it.

  Why does he not care about me? What have I done? Everything I loathe about myself starts pushing to the forefront of my mind. I’m hating everything about myself right now. I also start to question the reason for Maverick sending me away. I’m not pretty enough and I’m overweight. I’m not good enough. My eyes start to water but I’m so desperate to keep these tears in. I feel like I’m on the verge of doing something. I can’t hold on to all of this for much longer.

  He’s repeating over and over the things that I hear from him all of the time. Not good enough, fat ass, ugly and yes stupid–must not forget stupid.

  I draw in a shaky breath and say, “Well dad, I was at the hospital overnight and today I wanted to make sure that Maverick was okay. I think you will be pleased to know that he sent me away and I don't think he wants to see me anymore.”

  “Ha, I knew it wouldn’t last. I told you that you aren’t good enough for him. Too fat and not near pretty enough. Especially for a guy that’s going places and we both know that you Charlie, will not be going anywhere.”

  I’m numb and raw. I take it. I take it all. I don't have the energy to even stand up for myself. Not tonight. Honestly, I’m more upset about Maverick than I am about this confrontation with my dad. That is the honest to goodness truth.

  To top it all off, I cry. I let my dad see it, because I can’t hold it in anymore. I was hoping that I had cried my last tear in the parking lot of the hospital. Unfortunately, this is not the case at all.

  Finally I hear, “Charlie, just leave and get out of my face. I can’t even stand to look at you.”

  I guess the onslaught is finally over. I turn to leave and dad makes sure to get one last dig in before I leave the room. “Remember, what I say Charlie. You will never be good enough for him and it’s better if you start thinking that way and get over this ridiculous notion that you are. It will hurt a lot less.”

  Now I know this is where he’s wrong and completely out of his mind, because what I'm feeling right now hurts a hell of a lot more than I ever thought possible.

  I turn and leave, walking solemnly back to my room like a puppy that has been beaten by their owner, tail tucked between its legs. The minute I get in my room, I close the door and lean against it, begging for the energy to get to the bed. Instead my feet take me elsewhere and I find myself standing in front of that same blasted mirror. That mirror will be the death of me. I think this is my own form of personal punishment.

  I take a good look at the ugly ass girl staring right back at me. Yep, there she is. She definitely doesn’t look like Miranda or Ashley. Nope, she’s as plain and ordinary as they come. I can’t stand to look at this person any longer, so I turn and crawl into bed. I grab the covers and yank them over my head. The thought of eating dinner barely registers in my mind. I need to lose weight anyway. Meanwhile, my stomach is growling, but I don't care and I know that it will go away soon enough. I close my eyes and remember every negative thing about myself. The thoughts go round and round in my head, like a song on repeat. I fall asleep thinking the worst thoughts about myself and eventually run out of tears.

  Chapter 32-Maverick

  I know I hurt her and I didn’t mean to, but I just can’t deal right now. I have to figure out what I’m going to do. My whole damn life, football has been a huge part of me. I’ve lived and breathed football since I could walk. It’s who I am and now that has been completely ripped away from me. I have so many things to figure out and I just can’t be with her, not like this. Even if I can still feel that pounding need and ache for her.

  Asking her to leave was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and I realize I may even lose her for good over this.

  My mom and dad look at me with sad eyes. My dad speaks up first. “I know you need some time. We’ll be in the waiting room, if you need us. Just think about this. You are good at many things and have a lot to offer the world besides football. Think before you make some gigantic mistakes that you can’t take back.”

  My mom leans over and kisses my forehead before turning and walking hand in hand with my dad.

  I’m reeling over what my future may hold, when I see Will pop his head in the door way. “Hey man, is this a good time? I just spoke to your parents.”

  I snort in response, I can’t help it. Lucky for me he says, “Well I don’t care if it is or not, because
I’m coming on in, so you can get over yourself. I just saw Charlie leaving, but she didn’t see me. She ran right by me with huge tears running down her face. You want to explain to me what that was all about? I know you’re smarter than that Maverick. I know you didn’t just completely throw her out, right? I mean she’s funny, smart, terrific singer so I hear and hot as hell even though she doesn’t know it. Let’s face it that in itself is a huge turn on.”

  I can’t help the huge sigh that tumbles from my mouth, “Are you done now dude or would you like to continue? While we are discussing Charlie, since when did you notice her and her hotness?”

  I can’t help the pang of jealousy that flies through my body. I know Will has eyes for a certain mouthy red head, but the fact is he still noticed Charlie.

  “Chill out Maverick. I’m a guy and I can’t help but notice. For crying out loud, do you think I’m the only guy that has paid attention to her curves, because I am most definitely am not. Not to mention she’s really sweet and different than the majority of the girls we go to school with.”

  I can’t help it; I’m starting to get severely pissed off. I don’t like anyone talking about her. Don’t get me wrong, I like others seeing her qualities, but not so extensively as Will is nailing it in this five minute conversation.

  “Well, now I see that I have really gotten your attention. Excellent!” Will says, “What the hell are you trying to do? You have this awesome girl who thinks you hung the moon and what do you do? You push her as far away as humanly possible. Why and what for? Dumb ass move bro. Dumb ass move. I would kill to have a girl like Charlie.”

  “Now, are you done?” I ask. Will throws me his trademark smirk and crosses his arms like he means business. “For now.”

  I know he’s the one person who completely gets me. We’ve been friends since kindergarten. He knows me the best, better than Charlie. “Look Will, all I have ever known and breathed is football and to hear that I will never play again, is a big deal. It’s who I am and I don’t know who I am without it. You of all people should understand that.”

  “Here is what I know Maverick, and listen to me good. I know you think that football is all you are, but you're wrong. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel and I’m not trying to. I’m just saying that there is more to you than football and you need to figure it out before you lose her. Because you will if you wait to long. That’s all I’m going to leave you with. However, I understand and realize that you’ve got to figure this out for yourself.”

  I know I have a lot to figure out and I just need time, but for right now, I need to do this myself, alone. “Will, I will think on it. Happy?”

  Will hangs his head down staring at the floor and shuffles his feet back and forth, like there’s something else weighing heavily on his mind. More than likely he’s thinking about Tori and I feel somewhat bad. I also know he’s irritated with me, but he’s going to have to get over it. I just need time. However long it takes, I have to figure this out for myself.

  “Whatever Maverick, I’ll let you feel this way right now, because it’s fresh and just happened and you still haven’t gotten used to the idea. Just do me a favor.” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond. “Don’t take too long to figure it out, because if you do, she probably won’t be here. Look, I’m your best friend and I will support you completely. I just don’t want you to make a mistake that you can’t take back. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say anything?”

  With that last sentence he walks out the door.

  Chapter 33-Maverick

  I’ve been stuck in this damn hospital for several weeks and I hate it. I’m having a hard time walking and the therapy is kicking my ass. I know there are days where I sit here and feel totally sorry for myself, and everyday my thoughts drift to Charlie.

  Her all around sweetness and her beautiful smile. Her hot as sin ass. Maybe I should keep my thoughts clean. I have no right whatsoever to be thinking about her, after the way I acted. She hasn’t even tried to contact me. I don’t blame her though. I wouldn’t have either. I pushed her away. I felt like I needed to. I just couldn’t deal. Maybe it wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, I just needed time. I should have handled it better. I pushed away the person that means more to me than anyone. I have this haunted feeling that I may have broken her. I know how fragile her self-esteem is, but I did it anyway. It kills me to think that I could’ve done that to her. I'm sure that there’s a lot more going on at home for her, than what she had ever told me.

  The sad part is, it never dawned on me to think about it until I was stuck in this bed and she was already gone. The thought of her being gone forever kills me beyond words.

  Being in this state has caused me to push several people away. Not just Charlie. I’ve been cold and distant with my parents along with Will and my other friends. My mom made a huge point of actually calling me an idiot of all names. I have never heard her call me anything like that before.

  I guess that should tell me something, I suppose. I’m laying here in this bed with my back turned towards the door perfecting the art of feeling sorry for myself. As I lay here wallowing, I hear a familiar voice nearing my room.

  “Aw, there’s the ass hat.”

  “This isn’t going to be fun.”

  I can’t help but think to myself. Who am I kidding? I deserve every ounce of crap I’m about to be given. I deserve it and truth be told I’m very surprised she hasn't been here sooner.

  “Tori, so nice of you to come and join me in this hell hole.”

  “Aw, quit feeling sorry for yourself Maverick. I honestly don’t want to hear it. I told you when you first started seeing Charlie not to break her heart and what the hell did you do? You did exactly just that. I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen whether you like it or not.”

  “As if I even have a choice in the matter Tori, I know I deserve it. Just let me have it.”

  Oddly enough Tori seems surprised at my comments. She must not have realized how much I’m hurting inside. How broken I feel. Not counting the knee issues and the bumps and bruises and I just don’t feel right inside. I don’t feel whole. I wake up every damn day thinking of Charlie and imagining how much pain I’ve caused her. So I know I deserve this chat Tori has decided to bestow upon me. I won’t interrupt.

  Tori takes a deep breath and I can tell she’s going to rain down on me.

  “I kept hoping that you would finally wise up and just call her. Tell her that you made a mistake, but you didn’t. You haven’t. I know you’ve got some asinine reasons but come on already. Are you stupid? She hasn’t been the same since you sent her away. She finally started seeing herself in a better light. Please don’t tell me that you don’t know what I’m talking about either, because I know you do. You were a huge reason for her feeling better about herself and you've gone and undone everything. I know that’s a lot to put on your shoulders and that she has to figure some of this stuff out for herself. She has to learn to see for herself how incredibly wonderful and freaking ass awesome she is. But I don't think she can do it without you Maverick. When she first moved here, there was a sadness about her that drew me to her and I just knew that she needed me. The thing is, I needed her just as much. She has no clue how much. She and I don’t even talk like we used to. She’s very quiet and guarded. I hurt for her. You and I both know there’s more going on at home than she has ever let on. I don’t even go over there that often and I can tell. It’s like a show is being put on while there is “company.” She always seems on edge, any time I’ve been there. So I’m asking you this Maverick. If you care, if you truly care, please, please do whatever you need to do and get over this pity party shit already, because you’re hurting more than just yourself. You’re hurting everyone around you. Even Will, who normally lets nothing bother him has been affected, so I know you’ve also pushed him away as well. Please stop. Just stop.”

  And with that Tori turns and walks right on out the door.

  I lay
there for the rest of the afternoon considering everything Tori said. I didn’t think it’s possible to feel more like a dick. But I do. I feel horrible. Everything Tori has said is true.

  I had, had a front row seat to the pain that she had endured by her dad that night. I remember how Charlie had acted afterwards. I could tell then that something wasn’t right. She was way too complacent about it, which I couldn’t understand. In fact her only response was embarrassment, like it was a normal occurrence for her. The more I thought about everything, the more pissed off I got. Mostly with myself and for not seeing what was directly in front of me the whole time. I knew I needed to make this right, I just wasn’t sure how or if I could.

  Chapter 34-Charlie

  There’s not enough adjectives to explain how I feel. I’m shattered and lost.

  What happened between Maverick and me was bad enough. However, the confrontation with my dad has nearly broken me. I don't want to eat. I'm afraid of gaining any weight. I just want to put the music on and drown myself into it and never get up. That's all I do in my spare time. Go to school and come home. Do my homework, throw the ear buds in and go to bed.