Love Notes

by Heather Gunter

  I see Tori at school and we speak, but not like it was and actually I don't want to talk. I honestly don't want to speak to anyone. But you got to love her, that girl continues to try. She puts up with me and truth be told, I don't understand why. I’m not worth the time she spends on me. I’ve even seen her resorting to speaking to Will now.

  My mom doesn't speak to me at all. It's as if I don't exist. Truth be told, it's as if she doesn't exist either. It's like she’s given up living entirely. She’s just a shell of a woman going through the motions day by day.

  I avoid my dad at all cost. He seems to like it that way as well. As long as I am out of his hair, he stays out of mine. What a way to exist.

  I’ve thought about calling Maverick so many different times, but then would lay the cell phone back down. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me and if he did I would’ve heard from him by now. The fact that he was so happy to see me in one moment, even telling me that he loves me and then in the next instant, sending me away without looking back. I know that things have completely changed.

  Going back to school I was supposed to act like life is “normal,” But I don’t feel normal. I’m hurting and I’m sure the pain is etched clearly across my face. I try, I really do. I can’t help but question whether his love for me might still be there. How can you let someone go so easily?

  The bitches are bitches again. I suppose with Maverick in the hospital and word getting around that he's not speaking to me, they figure he's done with me. One day I overheard Ashley say how she wasn’t surprised at all and that she knew I wouldn't be able to hold his attention for long anyway. It was only a matter of time. I think, “Whatever.” I’m still trying to just ignore them. Some days are harder than others though. Sometimes when I walk down the hallway there’s nothing but snickers and stares. I sure miss Maverick.

  Will is great and still hangs with me and Tori. He helps lighten the mood some. We studiously avoid talking about Maverick, which is for the best. I think Will still likes Tori, but he’s eased off and is just taking the friends route with her, since that’s all she’s offering. Thank goodness for him though, he definitely makes things more bearable. If he walks with us and he hears anyone whispering, he’ll throw a look their way. He doesn’t think I notice or pay attention, but I do. I always notice.

  Tori and I are still practicing our song for the festival, but with Maverick gone, we've since had to change it. I like to sing what I’m feeling and I’m certainly not feeling what was chosen, so now we've chosen a song called Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson, which is perfect for how I’m feeling at the moment. I'm working on “Catching My Breath,” as the song states. Completely appropriate, if I do say so myself. We’ve just a couple of days left until the show as well as the homecoming dance. Coincidentally, it's the same week that Maverick is also due back at school.

  Chapter 35-Charlie

  Where I used to look forward to going to school, it now takes everything in me, just to get out of bed and make myself look presentable. I try to put on a smile for Tori, just to save face. She's not stupid and I don't doubt for a second that she's knows, but she never pushes me. It's one of the reasons I love her.

  So here I go again, it’s almost like reliving the same day over and over, kind of like the movie Ground Hog Day. Same shit, every day. Same people whispering, ugh.

  As I am pulling into the parking lot, I look over and see a section of the parking lot completely bogged down with people. It’s like a huge swarm of bees. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I do see Tori leaning up against her car waiting for me. As soon as I catch her eye I smile and give her a crazy look right before I pull in beside her. I’m not getting any reaction out of her. Hmm, very strange. I wonder who pissed in her corn flakes this morning. I thought I was the one with the 'tude.

  I hop out and slam the door shut. Trying to put her in a better mood, I walk over to her and feel the need to throw my arm around her shoulders and say in a baby voice, “What’s wrong someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” She’s probably thinking I’m loco, considering my behavior of late. She looks like she needs a little TLC, Lord knows she's been giving it to me lately, so it's the least I can do in return. She’s just staring at me with this look of concern all over her face. “What is it Tori, you’re kinda scaring me?” That's when it hits me. Like a slap in the face. The swarm, the bees. He’s here. My heart is beating like a freight train and I swear she can hear it. “Yep,” she says, “He’s here.”

  All Tori can do is nod. As if sensing her conformation, all of a sudden it's like the parting of the red sea and everyone in the swarm spreads apart. One end goes one way, the other end goes the other. And there, in the middle, I see Maverick leaning against a car with a pair of crutches and one of the “bitches” on either side of him. He turns and looks at me and our eyes catch. We stare at each other, but only for a moment before he looks away. He’s not moving, he’s just standing there.

  I can't help but think, “He looked away…” The ‘bitches’ are smirking and completely enjoying the show. Well I won’t give them what they want. I can’t stand here. I need to go. I see Will in the group surrounding Maverick and he turns and looks at us. I see Will start walking toward us. I feel the urge to throw up, but I sure as hell can’t do that. I would never hear the end of it if I did. I hold it down and keep my head up. I will not let them see a reaction out of me. Tori links her arms through mine just as Will reaches us and helps me walk away.

  I don’t even remember the walk to the bathroom. I just know we get there and then Tori is asking if I’m okay, before I go in. Next thing I know I’m staring at my reflection in the mirror. Of course, crazy stupid thoughts are running through my mind. I’m ugly and fat and why would he want to be with me when he could be with either Ashley or Miranda? I am nothing, that's what my dad says and goodness knows my mom must believe it. She’s never spoken up, so she must. I’m completely putting myself down, when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I didn’t even hear Tori come in. I’m too consumed in my own pity and trying desperately not to cry.

  “You had better quit the shit that I know you're doing right now.” Tori says.

  I attempt the stupid look as if to ask what's she's talking about, but she knows me all too well. “Don’t play stupid with me. I can see that pity party just playing in your head. You wear your expressions very well. First off, you know damn well that Maverick is just having his own issues he needs to deal with and it has nothing to do with you, even though he’s too proud and stupid to fix it right now. He thinks pushing you away will be better for you. We all know that’s not true, he just needs to work that out. The only thing I can gather, is that he sees himself as less than perfect for himself and for you. I have an idea that he is well aware of what he’s done, but that he just doesn't know how to fix it.”

  I can’t help but turn to her and give her a “You're crazy look.”

  “You are out of your mind Tori.” As I am saying this, she’s shaking her head. Nope I know this to be true and I’m the smart one, remember.”

  With a small chuckle I say, “Yep, you're crazy I knew it Tori.”

  “Hey, I know there are things going on that you don't want to talk about. I see it every day. You’ve lost weight, you rarely laugh and you try to act normal. She uses her two fingers to do bunny ears. I can't take offense, because she's right. I know it and she knows it. I’ve tried to hide it. Even the first time we met, she knew I was desperate for a friend. I don't want her to think I am ungrateful and don't appreciate her, because I do. I’m just not prepared to share some parts of my life. Not yet.

  “Thanks Tori for being here and being you. I will be out in a few. I just need a little time to collect myself before I face that,” as I swing my arm to the door indicating the outside world.

  “You got it babe and I will stand guard by the door for you, while you do.”

  She walks out the door and once again I’m by myself with my thoughts running rampant through my hea
d. For whatever reason, the memory of him asking me out on our first date, not the time he came for dinner, but our first official date, comes to mind.

  It was the following Monday at school after meeting his parents. He leaned into me and had asked me to go out with him on a “real” date for the next Saturday. All I could do was nod my head yes. I also remember very clearly him saying, “Also Charlie ,on Friday night, I want you cheering me on. I need to see “my” girl in the stands watching me play. Do you mind doing this for me?” I remember wanting to tease him, because he had looked so earnest and hell bent on wanting me there. It made me happy and feel special.

  “Well Mav, we are going to have a problem with that. You see, I really hate football and I don’t think I could handle watching a whole game.” I thought his mouth was going to hit the ground. “What?” I couldn’t even continue the charade, the look on his face was completely priceless. I couldn’t keep myself from laughing. Next thing I knew, I was being swung around with strong arms wrapped around me. I was laughing so hard and he was calling me a big booger. I kept thinking, of all the things to call me, he calls me a big booger and that made me laugh even harder.

  He finally put me down and we were both breathless from laughing so hard. I felt dizzy from being swung around and I remember having to grab back onto his shoulders for support. The laughing ceased immediately, then it was suddenly serious. Lord, I loved being in his arms. Safest place in the whole wide world.

  Have you ever felt the need to convey all of your feelings and wants into a single kiss? I whispered, “Yes Mav, I will be there at every single game, even the away ones.” He just smiled at me. I didn’t do what he thought I was going to do. Instead I whispered, “Come here.” He completely misread my intentions. He moved his lips down, but it wasn’t his lips I wanted. Oh, well actually I did want his lips, but not just yet. I was going to drag this out for just a little bit longer. I kissed his forehead and then his temples. I kissed every place on his face all except his lips. I got close, but never full on the lips. I gave every place on his face my full attention. Maverick quietly said to me, “You missed a spot Charlie.”

  “I’m pretty sure I didn’t,” I replied.

  “No Charlie, you did and I’m not waiting anymore for you to give it the attention that it so desperately deserves.” He wagged his eyebrows at me and I couldn’t help it, I giggled and while I was giggling like a moron he attacked my mouth. Well that shut me up real quickly. Before I knew it, I was giving his lips the much needed attention, he said they needed. Kissing Maverick is like being home. I knew he was “it” for me and this is where I always wanted to be.

  I shake my head to clear the memory away and take a deep breath. I walk out of the bathroom knowing History class is going to be here before I know it. I need to get over this and deal and know that I can’t hide in a bathroom forever.

  Chapter 36-Maverick

  I was finally allowed to come back to school. Thank the Lord above. I was doing a lot better with therapy, probably because I was ready to be out of there. I worked extra hard and let me tell you it was hard as shit. I don’t recommend getting any kind of knee injury, cause let me tell you, it hurts like a bitch.

  I was terrified at the thought of coming back to school, but I couldn't avoid it forever. I needed to set some things right. I needed with every fiber in my body, to get Charlie back. The moment I returned to school, it was like mass chaos. I was instantly surrounded. I know everyone was happy to see me and don't get me wrong, I was appreciative of the support, it was just very over whelming.

  The moment I exited the vehicle, I was accosted by Ashley and Miranda. And wouldn't you know, the minute Charlie and I caught sight of one another, that she would see the two of them sidled up against me? The moment our eyes met, I was lost. Every feeling I had ever had for her, came rushing into me like a bolt of lightning. I started mentally kicking the shit out of myself.

  What was I thinking pushing her away? Yes, I lost a possible scholarship for football. But damn it, if this girl isn't more important than any scholarship I could possible get. I really looked at her and then I had to look away, before I lost it. What the hell have I done?

  Charlie’s lost weight and she looks so absolutely sad. I did that to her. I did. Nobody else can be blamed–just me. I screwed up big time and at that moment, I vow that I’m going to do everything possible to get her back. I’m going to prove to her just how wonderful she is. I have to get her back, I just hope I’m not too late.

  Chapter 37-Charlie

  When I walk out of the bathroom, my friends are waiting for me. Will is leaning up against the wall staring, not so subtlety at Tori. They seem to be in a heated conversation and I feel like I have walked in on something private. “Anything I should know about?” I ask.

  Simultaneously they respond with, “No.” I glance from one to the other and say, “Okay,” in a drawn out way. I’m not even going to begin to think about what this might be about, or what is going on. However, I will get to the bottom of it. Just not at this very second. Plus, neither of them looks like they’re in the mood for talking at the moment.

  We walk down the hall silently and separate off to our respective classes.

  The day seems to be flying by, which of course never ever happens when you want it to. I know it’s only like this because my class with Maverick is coming up. I’m dreading the moment I have to walk in there and see him. I have about fifteen minutes until my class with Maverick will start and have to face him. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything, and my nerves are all riled up. I start thinking about the very first time we ever went out on a date as a couple.

  I recall being so nervous even though I didn’t know why. I mean, we were a couple already. I remember calling Tori and asking once again, for her awesome fashion sense. Of course she teased the hell out of me at my expense. I remember hearing the front door bell ring and running like mad to get to the door before anyone else, thank goodness I had succeeded. I opened the door and Maverick completely took my breath away. He was all kinds of hot and a freaking bag of chips and he was all mine. I knew when he looked at me that my clothing choice had done what was intended. His eyes looked like they were going to bug right out of his head. Tori had talked me into wearing a skirt. I so don’t wear skirts, mainly because I 'm not tall. I felt like I had stubby legs. She informed me that it didn’t matter and that I still had great legs. So I took a chance. I went with a shorter skirt and found a sequined tank top to wear with it. I brought along a swing sweater just in case it got chilly outside. So maybe the tank was a little snug and showed off all of my curves and was not something I would normally wear without always wearing the sweater. But I took a risk. His reaction made it completely worth it. He grabbed my hand as I shut the door and yanked me to him. Not hard, but just enough to get his point across. “You look gorgeous Charlie. You know I’m going to have to beat the guys off of you with a stick tonight, right? Maybe we should stay home?” I lightly smacked him on the arm, “Oh woman, you can really pack a punch, Okay, okay, we'll go out. I need to show you off anyway. The guys will be so jealous.” I had just rolled my eyes and thought he was completely out of his mind and kinda crazy.

  We hadn’t done anything really super spectacular, but yet, we did. If that makes sense. It didn’t matter where we went, as long as we were together.

  We went to a nice Italian restaurant . As soon as the waitress showed up, she grew one of those “insta” smiles that you see when a girl sees a good looking guy. She was tall and blonde, just like most of this town’s girl population is. I’m not going to lie. I felt a quick twinge of jealousy when she threw her one thousand watt smile at Maverick. However , he never even glanced her way. Not one glance. And her smile quickly dissipated. He looked at me and continued eye contact with me, as he was telling her what he wanted to drink. Who knew ordering a cherry Coke could sound so hot coming out of a guy’s mouth? Not just any guy though, my guy.

  He just kept staring at me. F
inally, he spoke the minute Miss Blonde walked away. He reached over the table and grabbed my hand, rubbing his thumb along the pulse point of my wrist. Lord, he sky rocketed my heart when he did that . I glanced down at the tabletop, not used to the attention or the compliment. “Look at me Charlie. Please?” he’d said.

  I know my cheeks were on fire. They’d felt like I was standing near a large flame. I glanced at him and could see the sincerity in his face. Especially, in his eyes. “I’m still getting used to your compliments, but I’m learning how you see me. You’ll need to be patient with me, this won’t happen overnight.”

  “I understand that. I also know you have had years of listening to someone close to you, tell you things that aren’t true about yourself. I just want you to see yourself the way that I do. I do realize, this’ll take time. I’ll also be here, to continue telling you, until you believe it yourself. Having said that, he’d leaned over and whispered, “Actually Charlie, you look good enough to eat.”