Music Notes (Heartbeat #3)

by Renee Lee Fisher

  I backed my body up against the wall alongside the sink and slid down as my legs completely gave way. “NO, NO, no, no….NO!!!” I yelled out and then stared in shock at the gray tile bathroom wall. I just focused on the plain view in front of me. My mind was so traumatized I was unable to focus on anything else. I began to see Rand and I and our life that we had just flash in front of me.

  I was shivering with nervous excitement when I first went to see the concert. I was very panicky, racing around my bedroom trying to select an outfit to wear to the show. Anxious and jumpy was how I felt when I first went to see him perform. I had landed the best seat in the venue. I looked up at the stage and he completely pulled me in.

  My tears are clouding my sight and I wipe them away because I need to see Rand, and I want to continue with these memories.

  I feel him tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear and admiring my new hair cut. I was thrilled and felt a tickle inside that he actually noticed. I was writing about the band but I didn’t know that he was following me and paying attention to what I was doing as well.

  My throat is tight and my chest is jumping. I cannot believe he is gone…I shake my head back and forth and pull my hair through my fingers. I want to throw up right now, but I am frozen in place on the floor. I look forward to the wall and I whimper.

  Rand is singing to me and it’s like no other fans were in attendance. I see him now as he is committing himself to me and I follow his tattoo to see my name permanently on him. I cried the happiest tears that snowy day. I blink back more tears from that beautiful moment and I am taken to a sight of another wonderful one.

  I’m lying in the hospital and Rand appears before me so handsome and dangling an unbelievable, stunning engagement ring. I close my eyes for a moment and when I open them I clearly picture our wedding night. It was so incredible vowing to have him for my entire life. I am still here though, I am still LIVING…life is so unfair. Our babies will never be with him.

  Rand caresses my belly lightly with his fingertips and sings all throughout my pregnancy and the babies stir inside at the sound of his voice. Even when he traveled I felt his love from afar, and he finally made it back in time for the birth of our babies. After they arrived he in no way stopped showing us his never-ending love and affection. The dreary gray tiles are still fixed in my view. I hear the bathroom door open and someone speaking to me. I am numb and it sounds like they are speaking from under water or in a tunnel, I don’t make out any of their words. I only hear their sounds. I drop my head down and feel them pat lightly on my shoulder and then I hear, “I’ll be back with help…” I look up again after they have gone and I remember the flowers.

  Rand has my favorite roses, crème with pink edges and it was fate as I was told by a coworker that he showed up at my work with a huge bouquet. I see a glimpse of him seated on a bench near my office and a trash can next to him full of flowers. I am walking by with Thomas. Rand had been there to meet me I was told.

  I know I will carry that with me moving forward, and vow to never forget and make sure our children know about him. I try to stand but I am so weak. I gather some strength and hold onto the sink and lift my body up. My eyes are swollen and red…I look in the mirror only to see the best vision.

  I am smiling and my eyes are bright and happy. I am glowing as I captured his lips on mine as we were pronounced husband and wife.

  A person now catches me off guard and I am shaken from my thought. Behind me someone takes my elbows and holds my back steady to guide me. She says, “I know your loss, you look like you are in such pain.” I break at this moment and cannot hold in my tears. As we exit the bathroom, I see the doctor coming toward me. I am standing on my legs that are about to give out again on me, but I put one foot slowly in front of the other going toward him.

  “Madison,” he began. I looked at his red, exhausted eyes and was searching for a sign of hope, and not sorrow. “Your husband’s…” he paused and let out a sigh, “in recovery, and you can see him when the anesthesia wears off.” He sounded so exhausted.

  “What, I heard he died???” I was clearly shaking and dazed as I questioned the doctor. I stood there listening to him and I was trying to understand that Rand was still alive, my husband was really ALIVE.

  “Madison it was a long procedure. I apologize for whatever gave you the impression he died. It’s just that we lost a patient just a short time ago. Hard to save everyone, but we try our best. But you will be able to see your husband in a little while.” I don’t know why but I reached up to hug him. Usually the medical staff would come join you in the waiting area to deliver the news, good or bad, and then they carry on. Delivering news to me that Rand was alive and I would see him soon, was totally hug worthy. I broke apart inside and cried like a baby in his arms.

  Nurses joined me in the hallway as this news was being told to me. They were all so excited and relieved to know his surgery was successful. It started to register in my head that those ladies in the bathroom had been terribly incorrect, but as I walked back down the corridor to go see Rand, I got a weird vibe. I thought I saw some people shake their heads, but most looked away, unable to meet my eyes. I wondered if I looked that bad from my breakdown in the ladies room just moments ago along with being sleep deprived from staying here for the past few nights.

  It was Kent that came midway to greet me in the hallway, “Hey you heard the news right?” he asked.

  “Yeah, Rand is going to be okay. He is going to be okay,” I repeated it to give myself mental confirmation.

  “But Madison it also seems that there is a rumor Rand died. It’s being told that he passed on the operating table while in surgery, and this was leaked and it is already hitting the social media.”

  “Oh, Kent what can we do? I don’t want that out there! He just started his solo career. I don’t want the media to create his death.” I know how I felt as I had just grieved for him moments earlier. Standing with Kent I knew I had the most concerned look on my face trying to decide what we should do.

  “Let’s tell the media the truth,” Kent suggested. Then the idea hit me, Kent was right.

  “I could call this popular social blogger and let her know what happened.” I was already searching my phone for her information.

  “Yeah, that would work,” Kent agreed.

  Chapter Twelve – Candles are Lit

  I light a candle for my husband. He’s lying in a hospital bed, but I’m hopeful and positive. I am all alone at this moment surrounded by the flickering candlelight creating a halo-effect around the room. I recall the feeling the pain when my ex-husband Thomas left me and my life felt like it ended. The agony of the past few days is so much worse. It is an all consuming pain that throbs like a living thing with each breath I take. Before I would enter the hospital to be by his side, I was often doubled over, wracked with sorrow and fear. What I feared was losing him forever. The anxiety was so prevailing that it was making me physically sick. There was always ginger ale or seltzer water on hand, so I soon would be feeling back on track and composed enough to see Rand and not break down.

  I would keep this ritual up for as long as I needed to. I run my finger through the flame and touch the wax that forms a shell on my skin. It cools and I peel it off and it exposes my skin. I wish we could just fix what ails us that easily, by clearing it away like the wax. In the days since Rand has been admitted I found myself putting up a shield to protect my heart. Today, I threw up hopefully for the last time. Knowing he is going to survive has relieved so much of my stress. I toss the water from the sink that I palmed in my hands to wake me up, and wash away my anguish before I go to his side.

  * * *

  From my hospital bed, the nurse told me that there is a chapel where all the candles are aglow for me to get well. I reach and pull Madison to me without a sound. She must have slipped in when I was sleeping earlier and I can see she was busy cleaning up the room. All my cards are displayed so orderly, and the floral baskets are lined in a row. She
curls up tighter next to me and tucks her hands up under my hospital gown. “Love, let me sing to you. I have wanted to put this to music, and I will as soon as I’m able. I don’t want to miss the chance to give you this song.” I saw the tears begin to fill her eyes. I begin to sing to her softly the song I’ve titled, Three Loves I’ve Found. Sometimes there are no words for the incredible moments in our lives. Having her here with me and me pouring my heart out to her the best way I can in song, is one of those incredible moments.

  Madison props herself up gently and takes my chin and places a kiss to my cheek. She holds me there for several seconds. She rises and then walks to the window. The nighttime light surrounds her like an angel. I think I have died and gone to heaven. She is now weeping steadily. I want to climb from this bed and wipe her tears away, but I am all hooked up and all I can give her is my apology. “Madison I am so sorry I upset you, I meant to make you feel better.”

  “No Babe, these are not tears of sadness, but of relief. I was so scared of losing you. I don’t know what I would do without you. I am so hopeful now that since some wonderful person was selfless and donated their kidney to you, that we have been blessed with this chance to continue our life together. I will not let you leave me, not now unless it is at home to take out the trash.” She was becoming firm with her words. Then she laughed in relief at her last comment. I too, knew that I had a fight ahead but I would fight like hell to stay here with her for the rest of her lifetime. I had just made it through the first step as the surgery was successful. Now it was on to the doctors who would monitor me to see that everything was functioning inside my body. I could never thank the noble individual that gave me life, sharing theirs with me. This person chose to remain anonymous. I had to respect that in order to accept their kidney.

  * * *

  Even as I watched the color slowly return to Rand’s face, I realized that I never doubted that he was going to fully come out of this and be stronger in the days ahead. I had escaped a bit to catch a cup of coffee in the hospital lunch room, and overheard that it was touch and go for a bit with Max Rand, and that they heard he died on the table. Then someone else said they believed he lived. I didn’t want to interrupt the conversation that was going on amongst the staff, but I wanted to set this right.

  Stories began to appear this morning on a large scale that Max Rand died during his kidney surgery. Fans were showing up at the hospital crying and holding flowers. After my previous conversation with Kent on this subject, I had already reached out to a well know local blogger. I asked her to come to the hospital to meet with me to have her hear the truth and set the media straight. My first surprise was that of Tabby herself. I guess I had certain expectations given her name but the blogger’s voice on the phone was very mature and extremely professional. I knew she was young, but she certainly didn’t sound it. I told Rand I had to talk with the doctor for a little while to get instructions about him. I didn’t want him to hear any of the media buzz, let alone hear that they thought he was dead. He didn’t need to have any stress on him. So here I was, seated in the waiting room with an extra coffee I picked up for her. I heard the elevator doors open, and off the elevator came this young, lovely girl. At first glance I noticed she had long, jet black hair and it was highlighted with a few random electric blue streaks. The blue of her hair popped the blue of her eyes. One arm and hand were completely covered in ink in random patterns and colors. “Not what you expected?” she asked as she put out her plain hand to gesture a shake.

  “No you are lovely Tabby Rae, very refreshing and quite colorful. I try never to presume anything. As an author I have learned never to judge a book by its cover. Actually if I had jumped to conclusions with my husband and listened to the fans that he was a womanizer and a player as they stereotype most musicians, he would have never gotten a chance with me. I’m certainly glad I gave him the benefit of a doubt.” I laughed and so did she in soft bursts of cute little chuckles. This definitely broke the ice between us.

  Tabby Rae said I could just call her Tabby, and she laid out how she thought she was going to run her story based on our first telephone conversation prior to this meeting. She was spot on with the social media craze and all the young fans. She had a plan and she seemed much more mature when she spoke than what you would expect given the image of this young vibrant girl seated before me. We chatted a lot about how Rand and I met, and our love story. We soon began to speak about the crisis with his kidney. As my eyes began to tear, Tabby quickly changed the subject. “I love your children’s names. I read what you named them in a recent announcement.” I smiled and was content that she would put out a good story. Here I was, the writer, and I wasn’t able to compose a single word right now.

  “So Tabby do you have a special man in your life?” I was curious and wanted to continue to make small talk. I am always looking for storylines. It was so refreshing chatting with her instead of listening to all the medical conversations lately.

  “No, I can’t seem to find a nice guy to accept me for who I am. Most see my colors and shy away.” I caught the shimmer of a tiny piercing in one side of her nose and glanced at the piercings on her mouth. As I looked at the one tiny, sparkling jewel it reminded me of that gorgeous young man…Tristan was his name, from Wicked Bites in New York City. He also had a piercing through his lip that had caught my eye. I wasn’t remembering him for me. I was more thinking in the direction of matchmaking. Then I quickly reminded myself that he was all the way in New York, oh well, it was worth a moment of a romantic thought.

  What was such a sad story as most thought Rand had passed away was about to change to joyous. The news that spread from Tabby Rae’s fingers to her cyber world brought about the most rapid turn around. Tabby had been sitting in the corner of the waiting area pounding at her keyboard for hours. As she rose, she smiled, “I guess I am done here for now.” Her face, illuminated by a beautiful white smile surrounded by her personal rainbow of color, was confident. Coming up past her in the hallway were hospital volunteers bringing in colored balloons, flower arrangements, and food trays that were all beautiful expressions from so many adoring fans that heard Rand had not died.

  So many cards were being piled for me to read to Rand later. I was sending the deliveries of the balloons to the pediatrics floor to brighten the children’s faces. The flowers we aligned on the nurse’s stations. We offered the food to everyone, and it was graciously accepted in the waiting room area by many.

  With the media uproar tamped down quickly, Rand’s reported death and now the story of his recovery was yesterday’s news to the fans. I had kept the newspapers from Rand as I wanted him to rest. Today as I entered his room, there were several papers on the floor beside his bed.

  “Love, I got bored so the nice nurse brought me a ton of reading material,” he winked from the top of the newspaper. As I pulled the chair closer, I saw that he was intently reading something.

  “What are you reading there, Babe?” I was curious.

  “Madison,” and then he cleared his throat, “Madison, it can’t be, I am reading this article and he died…”

  “Rand, yes it’s true the public thought you actually died in the operating room, we know you are here and alive so don’t put any more thought into that. Besides I hired a blogger who put out this whole media blitz on your being alive and getting better.”

  “No, you have to see this…” he broke his concentration and turned the paper toward her. Madison’s eyes focused in to the area that Rand bent back for her to read.

  * * *

  “Oh my God,” escaped her lips.

  As I turned back the newspaper to reread the obituary it read, Paul Rand. My father had passed away the same day as my surgery took place. It stated that he had died suddenly. It listed Paul Rand husband of the late Angela Rand and father of the late, beloved daughter Ashley Rand and father of Max Rand and his wife Madison Rand and two grandchildren Maxine and Mick. “No I won’t believe this is just a coincidence.” I reached o
ver to my bandages and spread my fingers across the white fabric over my surgery site. Holding my hand fanned out all I can scream is “NO!!!” and then so many images rush through my head. I close my eyes and see my father before me looking so young, and remember there were some happier times back when I was a child.

  He would let me carry the large bucket filled with all the stuff to help him wash the cars. I could see us getting into a water fight and it was a fun one as we laughed until my mother appeared at the door calling us to dinner. Then, another time I see my father out on the yard and waving at me to come from inside the house and help him rake the autumn leaves. He is now asking me to help him with the giant green plastic bag and before we open the bag to fill it with leaves, somehow we both decided to run through them and play. He said that they would eventually blow to the neighbor’s lawn, so we didn’t really have to clean them all up. He sang to me. He would come into my room in the dark and sing me several bars of the same song over and over.

  I later found out it was a song that his mother and father sang to him. Perhaps that is where I developed my musical talents. There were some good memories before it had all gone bad between us. I obviously locked them away, but now I remembered them so vividly.

  Madison’s graceful touch skims my forehead and sweeps my dirty matted locks out of my eyes. She places a kiss onto my forehead and holds her lips to mine. She then slowly starts to peel back my fingers one by one away from the newspaper. She glances at the In Memory area and she knows; women just know this shit right away. “What can I do now? I am forever grateful knowing he saved me.” I look to her to have the answer.