The Mueller Report
Page 2
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May 2, 2017, 8:30 P.M.
Later that night, President Trump fretted with aides Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, and Jared Kushner about whether Comey had received his message. The president’s wife was also nearby, holding a giant bouquet of flowers that she pointed toward their conversation.
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TRUMP: What do you think? Did that do the trick?
REINCE PRIEBUS: It was a wunderbar speech. Lincoln-esque.
TRUMP: Town Car or Navigator?
STEVE BANNON: Sir, as the Greek philosopher Epicharmus once wrote, “He who inhabits the mindset of the warrior shall crumble if he should not prevail over blind wisdom.”
TRUMP: Steve, I have no idea what you just said, you’re at a black-tie gala wearing a cargo jacket, and you smell like a microwave that’s exclusively used to reheat salmon.
BANNON: You want my opinion? Fire them. Fire all of them.
TRUMP: All of who? Comey’s people?
BANNON: Don’t stop there. Fire every last government employee. The FBI. The CDC. Postal workers delivering their globalist propaganda Babies ‘R’ Us catalogs.
KUSHNER: Oh God, here we go.
BANNON: The “government” is a failed social convention that has distracted man from his true nature: to live naked out in the barren plains and wrestle grizzlies for food. We need to burn it all down with a cleansing—
KUSHNER: “With a cleansing fire that unleashes the true potential of American braun.” We’ve heard this speech before.
TRUMP: Let’s just hope Comey’s on board. I’m gonna hit the shrimp buffet; someone get Steve a bow tie and a gallon of Trump cologne.
Text Messages Re: Donald J. Trump Awards
Much later that night, President Trump received the following text messages from his personal attorney, Michael Cohen.
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Michael Cohen
Hi Don.
How are you?
Donny.
Are u there?
Okay
I’m gonna say it.
I saw that you gave out trophies called the Donald J. Trump Awards for Loyalty and Friendship
I am a bit offended that I did not win one.
. . .
Haha
Just kidding
Do you want to go fishing this weekend?
Let me know.
Btw “operation darken stormy” is complete. Hush agreement signed
No one will ever hear about it
Unless she gets some kind of attention-seeking lawyer
Who finds a way to wriggle out of it
And is on Anderson Cooper 360 like every night for a month
Not gonna happen
Also if I won a DJT for Friendship and Loyalty at a separate ceremony, like how the oscars do technical awards, i understand
Anyway
Thanks.
See you soon!
Haha sorry i’ve had a couple drinks
All right, good ngiht man
Senate Testimony of James Comey
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May 3, 2017, Six Days Until James Comey Gets Fired
The following is a relevant snippet of testimony from James Comey that may have gotten him fired. It was found printed out in Trump attorney Michael Cohen’s apartment with the handwritten message “OVER THE LINE!” followed by Mr. Trump’s signature.
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SENATOR RICHARD BURR: Director, do you have any doubt that the Russians attempted to collude with the Trump campaign?
FBI DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY: None.
BURR: And is it your opinion that we have more to learn about this collusion attempt, Director?
COMEY: It is, Senator.
BURR: And, Director, is it possible that your investigation might uncover other crimes in the Trump family unrelated to collusion?
COMEY: I’m afraid I can’t answer that question in an open setting, Senator.
BURR: Are there specific Trump family members you are investigating?
COMEY: Again, I can’t answer that question in an open setting, Senator.
BURR: Okay, but what if I triple-donkey dared you?
COMEY: Are you triple-donkey daring me, Senator? Or are you asking what would happen if you hypothetically triple-donkey dared me?
BURR: I triple-donkey dare you to answer the question, Director Comey.
COMEY: Triple-donkey dare, no take-backs, no finger-crossies, no loosey-goosies?
BURR: Cross your heart, hope to die, shoot a pistol in your thigh, Mr. Director.
COMEY: Very well. In that case: We would be looking to uncover crimes in the Trump family unrelated to collusion.
BURR: Based on what, Director Comey?
COMEY [gesturing vaguely]: Everything.
BURR: I will yield the remainder of my time to Senator Rubio, who I believe has some more questions about Andrew McCabe’s wife’s purchase of a political bumper sticker in 2002.
Email from Devin Nunes
Meanwhile, Congressman Devin Nunes kept the White House up to date on his own investigation into the 2016 election.
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FROM: Devin.Nunes8@aol.com
TO: JaredKushner@WhiteHouse.gov
SUBJECT: Major Breakthrough in Investigation
* * *
Hey man,
I know today seems rough for the President, but I have some great news about my ongoing 9000-page investigation into Russian collusion.
I’ve chosen a font.
It’s COMIC SANS.
Would an official investigation into Russian collusion use COMIC SANS if it was going to find the President liable for a crime?
Checkmate, Libs,
Devin Nunes
—Sent via the AOL™ Mail™ app on my Verizon™ Motorola™ Droid™ 3—
President Trump’s Complaint List
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May 5, 2017, Four Days Until James Comey Gets Fired
The next day, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus sent one of his regular emails to the White House staff. The email suggests that President Trump was preparing to fire FBI director Comey due to his Senate testimony.
* * *
FROM: Reince.Priebus@WhiteHouse.gov
TO: AllStaff@WhiteHouse.gov
SUBJECT: President Trump’s Complaint List for Week of 05/05/2017
* * *
Hello Staff,
I hope you are having a Wunderbar day! First of all, I have baked an entire tray of streusselkuchen—a traditional pastry from my home stadt of Wisconsin—and I have placed them in the break room. Make sure to sprinkle on some of the Apfelzucker!
I wanted to let you know that President Trump will not be working this weekend, starting Wednesday at 11AM and running through Monday or Tuesday, depending on the condition of the greens at Trump National–Bedminster.
But the primary reason for this communication is that this week’s COMPLAINT LIST is here! These are President Trump’s biggest gripes, in precise bulleted list format. Let’s all think about how we might improve ourselves the following week, ja?
16. The Oval Office is not currently equipped to deep-fry funnel cakes.
15. The president wants a walkie-talkie. Doesn’t matter who’s on the other end, just as long as he can carry around a walkie-talkie.
14. Yesterday Eric Trump visited the president at the White House. He never should have made it past the front gate. What happened?
13. The Department of Veterans Affairs is nowhere near as sexy as its name indicates.
12. The White House should have “a beautiful elevator, with big tremendous gold buttons, like you would see at a Gimbel’s department store in the ’40s.”
11. Someone keeps deleting Twitter from the president’s phone. If you are going to play a prank on the president by deleting something from the president’s phone, please make it Eric’s contact information.
10. The president is not to be disturbed, for any reason, when he hangs a Domino’s Pizza delivery bag on his door handle
&n
bsp; 9. Sean Spicer’s suits fit like “a garbage bag draped over a corn dog.”
8. We’re beginning to think that up to 35 percent of the protesters in the Women’s March were anti-Trump.
7. Why doesn’t the White House have its own cheerleading squad?
6. Why doesn’t the White House have a monorail?
5. Why doesn’t the White House offer subprime mortgages for first-time home buyers?
4. Why doesn’t the White House have a dungeon?
3. Why hasn’t the White House bowling alley been equipped to offer Cosmic Bowling?
2. Why is “Cosmic” only offered at bowling alleys? We should offer a “Cosmic White House Tour” and “Cosmic Intelligence Briefings.”
1. James Comey has to go.
Google Searches of President Donald J. Trump
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May 6, 2017, Three Days Until James Comey Gets Fired
President Trump began to lay the groundwork for FBI director Comey’s dismissal. The president conducted the following searches on Google from his Oval Office computer.
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Google
|
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“Can i fire someone for being taller than me”
“Can i fire someone because i don’t like seeing his face”
“Obstruction of justice how do we legalize it”
“Can the president trade an employee like a baseball player”
“Would James Comey for Ichiro be a fair trade?”
“How much to hire david blaine”
“David blaine can make person disappear?”
“David blaine disappearing trick does it kill the person?”
“Can the president appoint an fbi SUPERdirector”
“Dog the bounty hunter is he employed?”
“Dog the bounty hunter interested in fbi superdirector?”
“Fbi director why do we even need it”
“Like what would happen if we just didn’t have an fbi director”
“IHOP pancake delivery washington d.c. area”
“Is stephen miller standing right behind me”
Yahoo Answers Post by President Donald J. Trump
After finding little help on Google, President Trump turned to one of his closest White House advisors: Yahoo Answers. He submitted the following question later that day.
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Let’s say Strong Negotiator President Donald J. Trump wanted to fire Ungrateful and Disloyal FBI Director James Comey. How would he do that without getting into legal trouble?
Asked by: PresTrump45454545
Best Answer: You would need to get a memo from AG Sessions or Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein explaining why you need to fire him. That will give you legal cover. —Virgil F.
OTHER ANSWERS
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• The poster has no idea what he is talking about. The president can go ahead and fire Comey. Does not need to provide a reason. “Virgil F.” is probably a 14-year-old boy who has never seen a boob. —Tommy P.
• Um I can assure you I’m not a 14-year-old boy and I have seen plenty of boobs, including your mom’s. Are you Jewish? —Virgil F.
• BUILD THE WALL AND ARREST ANTIFA LEADER BERNIE SANDERS —TrumpTrainMaga Q.
• Ready to earn extra cash?? $$$$ I make $475/day from the comfort of my own home!!!! Visit MasterMoneyCash.biz today and start earning REAL money today! —Ruslan M.
• Bernie Sanders would have defeated Hillary Clinton if not for the meddling of Debbie Wasserman-Schultz in the DNC Primary. A recent blog post by Glenn Greenwald proves that we should
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—End of relevant portion of website—
Rosenstein and Sessions Discuss the James Comey Firing Memo
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May 8, 2017, One Day Until James Comey Gets Fired
On May 8, President Trump decided to fire James Comey. The following conversation between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein occurred in a nondescript hallway at an unspecified time of day. The conversation was recorded and forwarded to our office by Melania T.
* * *
SESSIONS: I’ve just met with the president. He’s decided to fire James Comey and he’d like you to write a memo explaining why.
ROSENSTEIN: Okay. Why are we firing Comey?
SESSIONS: That’s what the president is asking you to explain.
ROSENSTEIN: So what’s the explanation?
SESSIONS: The explanation is the president wants to fire James Comey.
ROSENSTEIN: So why doesn’t he just fire Comey?
SESSIONS: Because he needs a memo explaining why.
ROSENSTEIN: And why does he need a memo?
SESSIONS: He needs the memo to fire Comey.
ROSENSTEIN: But why is he firing Comey?
SESSIONS: That’s what he wants you to put in the memo.
ROSENSTEIN: Wants me to put what in the memo?
SESSIONS: The reason why he’s firing Comey.
ROSENSTEIN: Which is what?
SESSIONS: That’s for you to put in the memo.
ROSENSTEIN: I don’t understand.
SESSIONS: Just write in the memo why we must fire James Comey.
ROSENSTEIN: Okay.
SESSIONS: Because the president wants to fire Comey.
ROSENSTEIN: Okay.
SESSIONS: Because without an explanation for why the president is firing Comey, the president can’t fire Comey.
ROSENSTEIN: Okay.
SESSIONS: Okay.
ROSENSTEIN: Okay.
SESSIONS: Okay.
ROSENSTEIN: Do you ever get the sense that there is no explanation for any event in this White House, that we are governed only by chaos, and that our every action originates from some absurd entropy that no just God would possibly countenance?
SESSIONS: No.
ROSENSTEIN: Okay.
SESSIONS: Okay.
ROSENSTEIN: I’m going to write the memo now.
They do not move.
A Memo from Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein Explaining Why James Comey Is Being Fired
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May 9, 2017
On this day James Comey was fired. Rod Rosenstein wrote the memo laying out the reasons for his dismissal, reprinted below.
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President Donald J. Trump
The White House
Washington, DC, 20500
Dear President Trump,
Webster’s defines “unqualified” as “not officially recognized as a practitioner of a particular profession or activity through having satisfied the relevant conditions or requirements.”
I think we can all agree that this succinct and clear definition applies to our current FBI director, James Comey. He has proven himself to be not only unqualified, but unsuitable, unsuited, ill-suited, ill-prepared, unlicensed, and a (colloquial) quack.
I could go into the many reasons why we have reached this determination, but I do not wish to bore you, Mr. President. I’m sure we’re all thinking about a million different specific events that make James Comey unqualified. That unfortunate occurrence in 2014; his unacceptable behavior at that function (I think it was in Utah?) in 2015; and, of course, his total lapse of judgment as it pertains to the controversy with the guy with the mustache in 2016.
Suffice to say that there are events, ugly events, which definitely exist, that we are all aware of.
For these reasons, I recommend that you remove Mr. Comey from his post and identify new leadership for the FBI. America needs a director who is qualified, suitable, suited, prepared, licensed, and, most importantly, not quack.
I hope this is enough?
Sincerely,
Rod Rosenstein
Deputy Attorney General
Email from Chief of Staff Reince Priebus to the White House Communications Team
* * *
May 9, 2017
Following Director Comey’s firing, the White House initiated a communications strategy inten
ded to deflect attention away from the FBI’s Russia investigation. An email from Chief of Staff Priebus to the White House communications team makes this clear.
* * *
FROM: Reince.Priebus@WhiteHouse.gov
TO: AllComms@WhiteHouse.gov
SUBJECT: Trump Spin Team: Assemble!
* * *
Hello my talking heads!
I spoke with President Trump and he would like us to engage in a media blitzkrieg to get in front of this impending Comey Scheissesturm.
He wants you to get out onto as many television programs as possible and defend him against these nonsense allegations that he fired James Comey to obstruct the Russia probe. He wants us to be like Chris Pratt when a Guardians of the Galaxy movie comes out: totally omnipresent and completely unavoidable.
Your only guideline: if you are asked why the president fired James Comey, do not mention the Russia investigation. I will leave it up to you all to agree on an alibi; so long as Russia is not mentioned, we are fine with it.