The Mueller Report
Page 3
Okay, danke, and we’ll see you on the small screen! Can’t wait to see what you come up with!
Reince
Person of Interest: Kellyanne Conway
* * *
Kellyanne Conway, seen here telling NBC’s Chuck Todd that the president has never even met Billy Bush.
ROLES: Counselor to the President; Frequent Appearances on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News; Even More Frequent Appearances on PolitiFact’s “Five-Pinocchio Pants-on-Fire Lie of the Week”
FORMER ROLES: Author of the best-selling 2014 book How Republicans Can Win in 2016 Without Bashing Immigrants or Nominating a Serial Adulterer Who Is Frequently Humiliated on The Howard Stern Show
SKILLS: Possesses an encyclopedic knowledge of historical massacres that never happened
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Once made it through an entire segment of Face the Nation without starting a sentence with “What the President was clearly trying to say was . . .”
FUN FACT: UCLA scientists once converted the outrage she produces during a normal television appearance into electricity that powered a small town in Nevada
Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway’s Appearance on The Lead with Jake Tapper
* * *
May 10, 2017
The publicity blitz after Comey’s firing began almost immediately.
* * *
JAKE TAPPER: We’re joined by Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President. Let’s get right into it: Why did the president fire James Comey?
KELLYANNE CONWAY: President Trump did not fire James Comey. James Comey voluntarily quit in order to pursue a career in professional basketball.
TAPPER: I’m sorry? Several of your colleagues say Comey was fired, as does Mr. Comey himself.
CONWAY: Opinions can differ, facts can differ. But one thing is certain: James Comey was practicing three-pointers instead of investigating Hillary Clinton, and he was telling people he had a tryout with the Portland Trail Blazers. He left President Trump with no choice.
TAPPER: Mrs. Conway, I expect the truth from everyone I interview. So I will ask again: Why did President Trump fire James Comey?
CONWAY: Jake, the Constitution grants the president certain powers: the Power to Declare Nap Time; the Power to Convene a Celebrity Golf Tournament with Kato Kaelin and Mikey from Growing Pains—
TAPPER: No one is questioning President Trump’s right to fire people.
CONWAY: Well, good. Because he has the right to fire anyone. He could fire you if he wanted to.
TAPPER: (cross-talk) Now, that’s ridiculous, President Trump could not fire me—
CONWAY: (cross-talk) He could make one phone call and you’d be blogging from Salon.com!
* * *
—End of Relevant Portion of Transcript—
Daily Press Briefing with Press Secretary Sean Spicer
* * *
May 11, 2017
The next day, Press Secretary Sean Spicer delivered a press briefing where he was asked directly why President Trump fired the FBI director. A direct transcription from C-SPAN follows.
* * *
JIM ACOSTA (CNN): Sean, we still don’t have an answer as to why President Trump fired FBI Director Comey.
SPICER: Jim, the president has be-cleared himself on this issue.
JIM ACOSTA: He’s what?
SPICER: The president has be-cleared himself perpeatedly, Jim.
JIM ACOSTA: I don’t recognize two of those words.
SPICER: Again and again the president has be-cleared himself on this fissure, and the American people recognizant of that.
ASHLEY PARKER (WaPo): Was that the end of the sentence? “The American people recognizant of that”?
SPICER: That was the, yes, the president has—look, President Trimp is be-cleared of all wrongdone, in the final esteem of millions of blue-working Americans of who voted.
MICHAEL BENDER (WSJ): Did you say “President Trimp”?
SPICER: I don’t know how I can say it any clearer: Prednisent Blump has terpetually be-cleared himself on the batters disconcerting Jams Clommy. He sequestered Director Clommy for his designation and when Clommy repulsed, he had no choice but to perminate him on the commendation of Dippity Attorney Dangerbull Rob Rosenstone. Does that answer your question?
ACOSTA: Are you feeling okay?
SPICER: I’m terrific. Next question. Jonas Colvin, Breitbart.
COLVIN: Hell yes, two-part question. First: How is the President so amazing? Second: Will he sign my hat?
* * *
—End of Relevant Portion of Transcript—
A List of Personnel Who Have Left the White House and the Reasons for Their Departures
PERSON: Rex Tillerson
ROLE: Secretary of State
REASON FOR LEAVING: Insisted on playing 1940s cowboy country music on the White House Sonos
* * *
PERSON: Steve Bannon
ROLE: Counselor to the President
REASON FOR LEAVING: Landed the titular role in the 2019 live-action film The Mucinex Man Attacks Tokyo
* * *
PERSON: Hope Hicks
ROLE: Communications Director
REASON FOR LEAVING: Wanted to explore opportunities to serve a megalomaniac in a toxic environment in the private sector
* * *
PERSON: Gary Cohn
ROLE: Chief Economic Advisor
REASON FOR LEAVING: Realized he could make 18,000 percent more money working for Goldman Sachs
* * *
PERSON: David Shulkin
ROLE: Secretary of Veterans Affairs
REASON FOR LEAVING: Pushed back on the President’s idea to open the country’s first combination VA hospital/dog-racing track
* * *
PERSON: Omarosa Manigault-Newman
ROLE: Aide to the President
REASON FOR LEAVING: Okay, first of all, you can’t fire her, because SHE QUITS
* * *
PERSON: Tom Price
ROLE: Secretary of Health and Human Services
REASON FOR LEAVING: Chartered a $98,000 private jet to pick up Chick-fil-A drive-thru
* * *
PERSON: H. R. McMaster
ROLE: National Security Advisor
REASON FOR LEAVING: Reunion tour with his college punk band H. R. McMaster & the Master Blasters from Planet Disaster
* * *
PERSON: Sebastian Gorka
ROLE: Deputy Assistant to the President
REASON FOR LEAVING: After discovering Gorka’s troubling links to anti-Semitic groups and radical anti-Muslim views, the White House did nothing and Gorka left for a totally unrelated reason
* * *
PERSON: Anthony Scaramucci
ROLE: Communications Director
REASON FOR LEAVING: Thrown out by White House bouncers after getting too lit on the dance floor
* * *
PERSON: Sean Spicer
ROLE: Press Secretary
REASON FOR LEAVING: After running the most successful communications operation in American history, Spicer resigned as the most respected and brilliant press secretary this country has ever seen
* * *
PERSON: Vivek Murthy
ROLE: Surgeon General
REASON FOR LEAVING: Refused to reclassify the Pizza Hut P’Zone as a vegetable
* * *
PERSON: Reince Priebus
ROLE: White House Chief of Staff
REASON FOR LEAVING: Turned out to be a German radio DJ who applied for the job as a prank
An Email from Alex Jones, Under Consideration for Press Secretary
* * *
May 11, 2017
Apparently unsatisfied by Sean Spicer’s performance, President Trump began his search for a replacement. One candidate, the InfoWars founder and supplement salesman Alex Jones, submitted the following application for the job.
* * *
FROM: Alex.Jones@infowars.com
TO: Trump@Trump.com
SUBJECT: Comey
Advice
* * *
Hello Mr. President,
Alex Jones from InfoWars here. Thank you again for considering me for press secretary. I watched Spicer’s shtick today; you could sense his beta energy emanating through the television set. He’s like a human chemtrail of weakness and cuckoldry.
You’re in a crisis here, Mr. President. Not as bad as the crisis of Democrats dumping estrogen into our public schools’ water supply, but a crisis nonetheless.
I’ve put together a few talking points that I would use when dealing with the press—whether I was speaking to fake MSM publications like the New York Times or to genuine news sources like www.SwampPundit.bitcoin. This should give you a pretty good idea of how I would conduct myself as press secretary:
Talking Points Re: The James Comey Firing
• The President absolutely has the right to fire anyone.
• James Comey was being criticized by Democrats and Republicans alike.
• What’s more, James Comey is a central figure in a Satanic sex cult that operates out of a Dave & Busters in Rockland County, Maryland.
• We strongly believe, based on evidence coming from the Internet, that James Comey hatched from an egg.
• If you look closely at photos of James Comey you will see that he has a forked tongue.
• Suspiciously, James Comey refused to give an InfoWars reporting team samples of either his blood or his urine when we showed up at his grandson’s soccer game and shouted at him through a megaphone.
• James Comey has to buy specialized khakis from Dockers to hide his prehensile tail.
• We cannot risk the Executive Branch being overrun by Reptilian Humanoids who may be intent on impregnating us with their alien seed.
• It has been theorized that in the Reptilian Humanoid species, as in seahorses, it is the males who become pregnant.
• If you are a red-blooded American man who does not want to labor through 24 months of painful and slimy reptile pregnancy, you must support the President in his dismissal of James Comey.
You can take or leave these talking points, Mr. President. But I guarantee that if you run with these bad boys, no one will be talking about Russia or obstruction of justice anymore.
Alex Jones
Evidence File #3916-A
* * *
A Letter from the Portland Trail Blazers Confirming That FBI Director James Comey Did Not Have a Tryout Scheduled
September 4, 2017
Hello SPECIAL PROSECUTOR ROBERT MUELLER,
Thank you for your press request regarding A TEAM TRYOUT FOR FORMER FBI DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY. We can confirm that Mr. Comey did not have a tryout with the team, nor had he ever contacted the Trail Blazers regarding an open roster spot as a three-point specialist.
We hope this helps, and Gooooooooo Blazers!
Sincerely,
The Press Office of the Portland Trail Blazers
Trump Cabinet Members’ Comments on James Comey’s Dismissal
Our team of investigators interviewed several Trump cabinet members to get more insight on why Trump believed he had to fire James Comey.
* * *
MIKE PENCE (VP): I remember where I was when the president decided he wanted to fire James Comey. I was doing what I usually do: standing in a room with forty-eight other men who look and dress identical to me.
REX TILLERSON (STATE): I was sitting in the back of my pickup truck eating a rack of barbecue ribs. The Chief of Staff told us to get back to the White House for a meeting. I immediately asked if I could DJ the meeting, because I had discovered some new tunes from Billy “the Yodeling Cowboy” Haines. The Chief of Staff said this was a “No Music” meeting, so I knew it was serious.
RYAN ZINKE (INTERIOR): President Trump was hoppin’ mad. When he walked in the room, he banged his knee against a filing cabinet, so he fired the filing cabinet. A White House page came in and wheeled the thing out. I heard they put it in one of the empty cells at Guantanamo.
SCOTT PRUITT (EPA): Keeping James Comey on the payroll was an unconscionable waste of taxpayer dollars.
KELLYANNE CONWAY (COUNSELOR TO THE PRESIDENT): James Comey had an indoor basketball court constructed within the FBI building, and he spent public funds to hire Scottie Pippen as a personal trainer.
TOM PRICE (HHS): We tried to cheer up President Trump. I personally bought him a taxpayer-funded charter jet to Hilton Head, down there in South Carolina? But he said he was in no mood to fly. I didn’t want to let a good charter plane go to waste so I ended up using the jet like thirty-seven times over the next month.
RICK PERRY (ENERGY): The president said he had an announcement to make. For some reason I thought he was going to say that he was getting bar mitzvahed. So I shouted, as loud as I possibly could, “MAZEL TOV!” Everyone was staring at me so I got up and left the meeting.
STEVEN MNUCHIN (TREASURY): I was out of town on an official government trip to Turks & Caicos. I am sorry I missed the meeting but Louise and I were doing important government research vis-à-vis strawberry margaritas at a swim-up pool bar.
IVANKA TRUMP (??? TO THE PRESIDENT): I don’t remember much about that meeting, but I do remember that I was wearing a lavender cotton tunic ($79.99) and our striped wide-leg cropped pant ($89.99). Hey, is it possible to get a hyperlink to our web store in your report?
NIKKI HALEY (AMBASSADOR TO THE UN): A bunch of us tried to talk the president out of firing Comey. We figured Comey was better than his replacement—who we all assumed was Hulk Hogan, since he was sitting next to the president in a tank top that said “I’m the Next FBI Director, Brother.”
HULK HOGAN (SIX-TIME WWF WORLD CHAMPION): That was a total coincidence; I had bought that shirt years ago at a Ron Jon Surf Shop in Daytona Beach. Hell, I was just surprised that I got security clearance to sit in on an all-staff meeting with the president.
JOHN WESTERHOFF (HEAD OF WHITE HOUSE SECURITY): We do not know how Hulk Hogan was able to sit in on this meeting. An investigation is under way.
JOHN KELLY (HOMELAND SECURITY): I tried to save Comey. I told the president that the FBI did not have the authority to bring charges due to the Fourteenth Bill of Amendment Government Act of 1973. I thought that would work; lying usually works.
JAMES MATTIS (DEFENSE): Hell, even now, when Trump gets upset about your probe, we lie and tell him you aren’t real. I’ll say, “Mr. President, Robert Mueller is a figure from an ancient Nordic folk tale who lures naughty children into his magical fjord and then bakes them into cocktail meatballs.” And then we can get back to health-care reform.
WILBUR ROSS (COMMERCE): I was asleep during the meeting. I think I might fall asleep right now. What time is it? Hey, if I start snoring, don’t steal my wallet?
ELAINE CHAO (TRANSPORTATION): I don’t think the president knows who I am. Every time he sees me he congratulates me for winning a different collegiate sports title. “Hey there, you must be on the UNC lacrosse team. Great work!” “Villanova men’s basketball. NICE!”
BETSY DEVOS (EDUCATION): Why did the president fire James Comey? That might be one of those questions we never learn the answer to, like “How many continents are there?” or “Was Napoleon real?”
KELLYANNE CONWAY: At the end of the day, the president is the president because he is the president. And James Comey was fired because he entered the NBA Draft.
MIKE PENCE: This President will always make the decision that will benefit the American people and that will speed forth the Judgment Day where God returns to earth to punish the wicked in a glorious rapture of hellfire and doom.
STEVE BANNON (WHITE HOUSE CHIEF STRATEGIST): Mike Pence said what?
REX TILLERSON: Hey, has anyone seen Ben Carson? He hasn’t shown up for work in like three weeks.
Evidence File 3812-M
* * *
Text Messages from Ben Carson Regarding the Firing of James Comey
Ben Carson, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, was the only cabinet member not to atten
d the meeting, as his assistant said that he was “on one of his nightly walks through the aisles of a Rite Aid.”
While I did not question Mr. Carson about James Comey, the following text message conversation was forwarded to our office. The texts were sent between Secretary Carson and a man whom he believed was President Trump but was, in fact, a Lyft driver named Gary who had driven Mr. Carson the night before.
* * *
Ben
Hello, Mr. President. I want to assure you during this Comey drama that you have my full and total support
He was not up to the task, Sir
Gary
This is not the President
This is Gary, from Lyft
White Toyota Corolla
Ben
Mr. president, this is Ben Carson
Your Secretary of Housing and Urkel Development
Urkel Development
Urkel