The Mueller Report
Page 6
I guess I tried to put Sergei out of my mind, as one does when you drift apart from an old friend. And so, Senators, when you asked whether I’d communicated with any Russians in 2016, I instinctively said no—as a kind of self-defense, I guess, from reopening old wounds.
Senators, I sure am sorry that I committed perjury during my testimony, but hey: At least I didn’t do something truly criminal, like get stopped by the cops with trace amounts of marijuana under my fingernails.
Warmly yours,
Jeff Sessions
Attorney General
Person of Interest: Jared Kushner
* * *
Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner, seen here thinking about evicting a tenant who won’t leave his rent-controlled apartment
ROLES: Senior Advisor to the President; Attaché in Charge of Finding Peace in Israel, Updating White House Technology, Ending Homelessness, Teaching Dogs to Speak English, Inventing the Gene-Splicing Machine from The Fly, Colonizing the Moon, Curing All Disease (Human and Feline), and Bringing a Perfect Utopia and Unending Happiness to Earth
PREVIOUS ROLES: Building owner
SKILLS: TBD
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Followed his father’s footsteps into both real estate and shady business deals
FUN FACT: Guinness World Record Holder for “First Real Estate Investor to Pay More Than a Billion Dollars for a Hot Dog Stand”
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING INTO: Why Kushner failed to disclose a meeting with Putin-linked Russian billionaire Sergei Gorkov, who is sanctioned from doing business in the United States. Did Kushner attempt to solicit an investment from Gorkov?
Frequently Asked Questions About Investing in the Kushner Companies
The following investment prospectus was forwarded to our office by Melania T., who found a copy left in the Trump Tower printer. It dates to December 2016, during the transition, and our investigators believe it shows that Jared Kushner was soliciting an investment from Sergei Gorkov.
* * *
November 25, 2016
Hello, Mr. Gorkov!
I am so excited that you’re considering an investment in the Kushner Companies’ Broadway Revitalization Project!
The Kushner Companies is a thriving investment firm that is strategically focused on building the future, one $8 billion payment to the Chinese government at a time. We manage over 120,000 square miles of office space in the U.S., and over 16,000 bank accounts in the Seychelles.
Our mission is to provide tenants with unparalleled service, amenities, and reassurances that it’s normal for the air-conditioning to be out for several months.
To prepare you for your visit to Kushner Companies HQ, we’ve put together a list of frequently asked questions we get from potential investors—to put you at ease and to convince you that your money will be well spent, from a perspective of both real estate investment and U.S. regulatory repeal.
What are the Kushner Companies’ current major investments?
We’re making bold moves in the real estate sector. We’ve plowed $13 billion into the revitalization of a port-a-potty near the Empire State Building, $4.9 billion into a new combination Blockbuster Video/Radio Shack at the Mall of America, and $1.3 billion for the first ever Panda Express with waiter service in the heart of Beijing.
We’re always looking for new opportunities, guided by our founding principle: “Move fast and overpay for properties that other companies consider toxic.”
Are you profitable?
The Kushner Companies doesn’t worry about silly metrics like “profitability” or “impending bankruptcy” or “how many days we have left until a creditor repossesses our espresso machine.”
Sure, some of our money is tied up in debt. But at heart, Mr. Gorkov, I’m your typical millennial: some millennials have student loans they’re trying to pay back; I’m trying to pay back a $70 billion mortgage on a high-rise in Vladivostok that we zoned in an active volcano.
Are the lights out because you can’t afford your power bill?
Absolutely not. Vampire bats and Japanese shrew moles are some of the most industrious animals on the planet, and they do most of their work in the dark. Why can’t the same be true for employees of the Kushner Companies?
Same question about why there’s no running water.
The Kushner Companies stand for efficiency, and there’s nothing less efficient than paying for water in sinks and toilets that our employees use for maybe 3 percent of the workday. If you need to use the restroom, tell a staff member, and we’ll sneak you into the Dunkin’ Donuts across the street.
I just saw a bunch of accountants staring at their computer screens, crying. Why?
It’s not because they were looking at our balance sheets! They were probably watching the 2017 Disney film Coco.
Seriously?
I mean, they could be watching Steel Magnolias. It’s definitely not because they’re confronting the financial future of this company.
Why is Mr. Kushner sweating so much?
Getting extremely sweaty during a business meeting is a sign of alpha-male confidence, along with shifty eyes, a cracking voice, and constantly muttering, “Oh God, Oh God” as you rock back and forth in the fetal position throughout the workday.
Is it legal for me to be investing in Kushner Companies?
Absolutely! While you may be barred from investing in America by the unfair Obama administration, soon the Trump administration will come in and make things far more pleasant for you—if you throw a little money toward the Kushner Companies, of course.
Are you blackmailing me?
What makes you say that! We are simply suggesting that if you invest in Kushner Companies, you’ll find your sanctions removed, and that if you do not, you will never be allowed to spend so much as one red penny in the entire goddamn Western Hemisphere.
That sounds like a federal crime.
Agree to disagree!
Mr. Gorkov, we so look forward to your investment in our Broadway Project, and to seeing your name fly off the list of the sanctioned. We accept cash, Swiss money transfer, a gym bag full of jewels, or over-market rent payments on multiple floors of condo buildings—whichever you prefer and can get to us before the first of next month.
Let’s do business!
Jared Kushner
AIM Messages Between Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump
* * *
November 28, 2016
After the meeting, Jared Kushner talked to his wife, Ivanka Trump, about the Gorkov proposal on their preferred communication app, AOL Instant Messenger.
* * *
KushKing007: Gorkov likes the Broadway proposal
PrincessIvanka: Woah! That’s awesome babe <3!
PrincessIvanka: You used encrypted comms right
KushKing007: definitely babe
KushKing007: i googled “super secure chat very private”
KushKing007: the first result was this website AshleyMadison.com
KushKing007: gorkov and i both created accounts so we can message each other discreetly
PrincessIvanka: AshleyMadison.com? The dating site for married people trying to commit adultery?
KushKing007: ivanka my queen
KushKing007: i’m not trying to cheat on you
KushKing007: i’m trying to cheat on American banking laws
PrincessIvanka: what
PrincessIvanka: the
PrincessIvanka: hell
PrincessIvanka: Jared
KushKing007: okay, chill out
KushKing007: if you’re concerned about security
KushKing007: i can ask my techie friend from harvard for advice
Phone Call Between Harvard Classmates Jared Kushner and Mark Zuckerberg
That night, Jared Kushner called his Harvard classmate Mark Zuckerberg. Kushner ’03 and Zuckerberg ’06 were both members of the Skin & Bones Club, Harvard’s “premier Secret Society for Frail and Bony Gentlemen.” A transcript follows.
* * *
&n
bsp; KUSHNER: Hi Mark. On Harvard!
Zuckerberg: On Harvard! Hi Jared.
KUSHNER: You got my note?
Zuckerberg: Absolutely. So, I checked out the logs for AshleyMadison.com. Seems like A LOT of Donald Trump staff members are using this website!
Kushner [laughing]: Yeah it’s • X X X X X X X X ’s home page. Is it secure?
Zuckerberg: Not at all. Dude, you gotta set up a backchannel!
KUSHNER: A backchannel?
Zuckerberg: Yeah, a backchannel! I use one to talk to my London team about progress on our Panopticon.
KUSHNER: Sounds good. Hey—how were you able to see which Trump campaign aides were using AshleyMadison? Why would Facebook have access to that information?
Zuckerberg: Wow, look at the time, gotta run! Great talk, Jared. On Harvard!
KUSHNER: On Harvard!
Zuckerberg: On Harvard!
KUSHNER: On Harvard!
Zuckerberg: On Harvard!
KUSHNER: On Harv—
* * *
—End of relevant portion of transcript. As is Harvard tradition, the two alumni continued to say “On Harvard!” to each other until one of their phone batteries died.—
Jared Kushner Seeks Out Advice for a Backchannel
* * *
The Next Day
After discussing the idea for a backchannel with Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak, Mr. Kushner navigated to BackchannelFreaks.net, a “Message Board for Backchannel Recommendations and General Discussion about Backchannels.”
We have verified that the first post in this thread was written by Jared Kushner.
* * *
Hey, first post! Does anyone have recommendations for a good backchannel for diplomatic/financial stuff? Don’t need anything fancy . . . Just a newbie looking to set up his first backchannel! Thanks everyone!
* * *
Please READ THE GUIDELINES BEFORE YOU POST. This section is for Backchannel Industry News & Upcoming Backchannel Conventions ONLY. If you can’t READ GUIDELINES how do you expect to set up a secretive backchannel??
* * *
Ahhh c’mon Barry . . . he got a little confused . . . isn’t this forum about spreading the joy of backchannels??? ;)
KushItRealGood: For beginners I recommend the Samsung Galaxy Backchannel 4 or the Motorola BCKCHNL. Have fun and congrats on ur first backchannel!!
* * *
THIS SECTION OF THE FORUM IS FOR INDUSTRY NEWS AND UPCOMING CONVENTIONS ONLY. YOU ARE BOTH HEREBY BANNED FROM BACKCHANNELFREAKS.NET. GOODBYE NERDS
* * *
Lol epic comeback, Good Sir. You have won the Internets today.
* * *
Um what the actual hell? This is how hitler would run a message board. I’m going to 9to5backchannel
* * *
Oh, so caring about forum protocol makes me a nazi? Come to my house and say that, I’m 8 percent body fat and own a samurai sword they used in kill bill
* * *
—End of relevant portion of material—
Interview with President Donald J. Trump
During our interview, we asked President Trump about his campaign team’s close ties to Russian nationals.
* * *
Q: Why were so many members of your campaign in contact with allies of the Russian government?
TRUMP: I think it would be better to be friends with Russia! Friendship is so important, it really is. We sent, and this is true, an Edible Arrangements basket to every head of state, even the disgusting countries. Do you realize how expensive it is to ship a fruit bouquet to Iceland? But we were happy to do it, and we received such gratitude, even from Angela Merkel—who loves honeydew melon, by the way, a terrible fruit.
Q: What was your reaction when you heard that Jared Kushner—
TRUMP: Wait a minute—I have a question for you, Mueller. I have an incredible brain, a top-rated brain, valedictorian at Penn, never once failed to complete the maze on the back of a Denny’s menu.
Q: What is your question, President Trump?
TRUMP: Did my lawyers approve this interview? Did you get permission to interview me from my Very Strong Legal Team?
Introductory Emails from All Nineteen of President Trump’s Lawyers in the Russia Investigation (Thus Far)
The following represents the entirety of our communication with President Trump’s legal representation in the Russia probe.
* * *
1.
Dear Mr. Mueller and Associates,
This letter is in regards to your investigation into President Donald J. Trump and his associates.
My name is John Dowd, and I am a lawyer representing President Trump. As the head of the President’s Legal Team, I want to let you know that we are in this for the long haul, defending Mr. Trump to the bitter end, because—actually, I just glanced at the President’s Twitter and now I’m resigning.
Yours,
John Dowd
2.
Mr. Mueller,
As John was writing before he quit in horror, President Trump’s legal team (now led by me, Robert Jansen) wants to issue a stern warning.
While I am representing Mr. Trump—and I still do, so long as he does not make any incriminating appearances on Fox & Friends—we will not accept intimidation; we will not accept bullying tactics; and we will not oh my God he’s on Fox & Friends calling Putin “the Butch Cassidy to my Sundance.”
I bid you adieu, and wish my replacement luck.
3.
Ted Williamson here, taking over for Robert Jansen and John Dowd as head of the President’s Legal Team. Much like Robert and John, I am determined to fight for this President.
Also much like Robert and John, I will be stepping down, effective at the end of this sentence, as I just read that Mr. Trump believes he “cannot be jailed, because he is too powerful for prison.”
Thanks, Bob. See you at Princeton Reunions this year?
4.
Mr. Mueller, as the President’s new attorney (this is Preston Kass, hello) I want to reiterate the bold message of my predecessors, and also join them, effective immediately, on the Wikipedia entry page for “Former lawyers for President Donald J. Trump.” (I mean, seriously, are you looking at this guy’s Twitter?)
Preston Kass
5.
Mr. Mueller, this is the President’s new lawyer, James Markham, and I just wanted to say hello before I resigned. Are you hiring?
James Markham LLC
6.
Mr. Mueller,
I’m about to resign after six minutes on the job, but my tax accountant pointed out that I should send you an email so that I can write off this new MacBook Air as a work expense.
How are you? What’s the weather like? Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer. Now I’m going to type some other words. Forklift. Magma. Thimble. Porcupine. Jumpsuit.
Okay! That’s my letter. Signing off as Donald Trump’s attorney,
Mickey Hayes
7.
Mr. Mueller,
This is the Guinness Book of World Records, writing to let you know that you have been mentioned in a New Record: Benjamin Brantley is now the World Record Holder for Shortest Amount of Time Representing a Head of State for his role as the President’s Attorney in the Robert Mueller Investigation.
Mr. Braddock represented President Trump for 1.7 seconds before thinking better of it and resigning. A certificate of achievement is enclosed. Congratulations!
8.
Mr. Mueller,
This is President Trump’s new counsel, Richard Sampson. You might recognize my name from the TV advertisements that air between the hours of 3 a.m. and 4:15 a.m. on Fox News, along with SellUsYourGold.com and Dog Mop, the mop for dogs.
Have you or a loved one been diagnosed with Mesothelioma? I am assuming you have, as Mesothelioma Law is my specialty/only area of law I know anything about.
So, either you have Mesothelioma, or you might have given Mesothelioma to the President.
Either way, please let me know
who is suing whom vis-à-vis Mesothelioma so we can get the ball rolling on what I can only assume is a Mesothelioma-related lawsuit.
Thank you, Richard Sampson “The Clarence Darrow of Mesothelioma Lawsuits”
9.
Mr. Mueller,
This is Calista Flockhart, from the television show Ally McBeal. My agent said there was $750,000 in it for me if I sent you a letter claiming to be the President’s lawyer and, to be honest, I’ve always wanted a house in the Virgin Islands. I only have to send one sentence and they’ll wire me the money, tax-free. Isn’t that wild!
And so I say to you (as Ally McBeal): Mr. Mueller, get ready for the court battle of a lifetime.
Thanks so much and let me know if you’re ever in St. Croix!
Best, Ally McBeal (Calista)
10.
Mr. Mueller,
This is John Barron, Attorney-at-Law, a high-powered and totally real Big-League lawyer who is being retained by High Approval Ratings President Donald Trump.
This is to put you on Notice that you are dealing with a TRUTHFUL and VIRILE client and that your best course of action is to drop any remaining lawsuit (PHONY!) and declare Trump TOTALLY INNOCENT AND VIGOROUS.
WITCH HUNT!
I am happy to discuss any matter either via letter or by telephone but not in person as I have a rare disease where I cannot go outside. Also there are no photos of me and I don’t have a birth certificate proving I exist.